CollegeHumor: Cars Articles This Month

Conversations With My 92' Volvo

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:00:00 -0500

Me: Hey buddy, ya ready to go for a little drive?

The Volve: We'll see...

Me: What do you mean we'll see? I need to get to the packy before it closes.

The Volve: I meant we'll see... I don't know if I feel like going anywhere right now, it's cold and I've only got a half a tank in me.

Me: Well, I really don't think that this is up to you, but how about I let you warm up for a couple of minutes? And maybe I will even bring you to get some gas on our way home?

The Volve: You can try and let me warm up, but I'm warning you, I'm gonna screech like a banshee for the majority of the ride.

Me: What? Why would you do something like that?

The Volve: HEY! You know I need new belts. You've been neglecting me for months, you haven't even driven me since the summer!

Me: You know I've been at school dude. Why don't we go for a drive and catch up a little? Listen to some DMB, like old times. What do ya say?

The Volve: Fine, that does sound pretty nice. Lets go!

Me: That's more like it!

As we pull out of the drive way The Volve begins screeching wildly, while simultaneously sputtering and backfiring.

Me: Alright old friend, this is ok, We can just turn up the DMB and get through this together.

The Volve: Oh yea, The C.D. player is broken.

Me: Good God I hate you.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:493948"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/3/collegehumor.19d70fd74a852509482f9623148a3377.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-08 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:493948">Mike G.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:151"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 91 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Tribute to Speeding Buddies.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:22:53 -0400

Speeding in a car down the highway is probably the most fun you could ever have. I love doing it. I speed in neighborhoods, schools, parking lots and hospital ambulance driveways... basically, wherever I can. I love showing off the power of my 1997 Ford Taurus. (I'm pretty sure that means 1,997 horsepower!)

So anyway, I'm doing my usual commute of about 20 miles on I-5 in Washington, scooting along at 10-15 over the speed limit. I'm feeling good. I crack my passenger window ever so slightly just to get a tiny listen of that sweet, sweet whiffing noise as I pass the idiot middle laners.

I pass this one car, a sweet 90's Toyota Tercel, white with custom rust marks and scratches. I fail to get a good look at the driver as I go by, and I feel sad about that, because I usually like to get a glimpse of people's shame . But I snap out of it and continue flying along. I casually pick my rearview mirror up from the passenger seat and lift it up to eye level so I can see out the back window. (I prefer a manual rearview mirror. OLD SCHOOL!) There is that Tercel again, inching its way back up to my rear bumper. I'm thinking, "IT'S ON!"

But no, it was clearly not on. The Tercel was keeping its distance, and it was now going the exact same speed as me.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1646351"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/0/collegehumor.d17e71994500f797c4a8f630fca72bb8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-06-10 22:22:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1646351">Jase</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 223 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

If KITT the Car from "Knight Rider" Was More Like My '95 Dodge Neon

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 16:28:04 -0400

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MICHAEL: KITT, do you realize this top-secret recording proves General Juarez is behind yesterday's ruby heist? This time, we'll make sure he's behind bars for good!

KITT: Excellent work, Michael. Shall we listen to it?

Michael pushes the recording into KITT's cassette player. KITT plays the recording way too fast before spitting bunches of its magnetic tape back out.

MICHAEL: KITT! What have you done?

KITT: I'm sorry Michael. Perhaps you'd like to listen to my radio instead. The AM is still functional... in certain areas.

* * *

Michael and KITT pursue a van in a high-speed chase.

MICHAEL: We're gaining on Lord Topaz, KITT. Let's put the pedal to the metal. (smirking) I hope Topaz can fit all that stolen art in his prison cell!

KITT: Michael, my external thermostat indicates the temperature will fall below 60 degrees by sundown. May I activate my heater?

MICHAEL: (focusing on the road) What? Yeah, fine. Whatever.

KITT turns its heater on. The windshield immediately fogs up. Michael swerves the car left and right as he tries desperately to wipe the fog away.

MICHAEL: Jesus Christ, KITT! I can't see a thing. Hurry—open a window.

The driver's side window opens a fraction of an inch and stops.

KITT: Michael, would you happen to have a screwdriver, or just something to, you know, pry with?

MICHAEL: KITT, we're gonna crash! Turn on the AC.

KITT: The what?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-25 16:28:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 46 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Perfect Girl vs. The Perfect Car

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 11:02:28 -0500

Last time out, I found similarities between the perfect girl and the perfect public bathroom. Now I realize that was a gross and juvenile comparison. Here is a much more appropriate, less disgusting comparison, the perfect girl vs. the perfect car. Both should have:

Frequent waxings
Low mileage
Great headlights
Clean, pleasant-smelling interiors
Low maintenance needs
High trade-in value
Low emissions
Wide rims, clean tailpipes
Room to comfortably fit five
Great performance when wet

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:290"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/6/collegehumor.822971a76dd3dcda7eb46b26fa7a05b9.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-29 11:02:28 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:290">Chris Richman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:344"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 51 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Top 25 Car Names That Are Funny When The Word "Anal" Is Placed In Front Of Them

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 21:46:02 -0400

25. Frontier
24. Ascender
23. Excursion
22. Diablo
21. Defender
20. Vibe
19. Commander
18. Aviator
17. Trooper
16. Avalanche
15. Odyssey
14. Avenger
13. Prowler
12. Raider
11. Breeze
10. Trailduster
� 9. Quest
� 8. Legend
� 7. Amigo
� 6. Rodeo
� 5. Rampage
� 4. Scoupe
� 3. Town and Country
� 2. Probe
� 1. Ram ��

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:30914"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/f/collegehumor.0f9bf381e661fe854ddca73fcf3ca71b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:30914">Chris</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:687"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 122 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />