CollegeHumor: Celebrities Articles This Month

9 Celebrity Package Names

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It's a well-known fact that guys like to name their junk. Balls, shaft, the whole package. Celebrities are no different. Through extensive personal research, I managed to compile this list of celebs and the nicknames that they have for their bits and pieces.

NOTE: In case it's not clear, balls are listed first. Of course.

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons:
Itchy, Scratchy, Bleeding Gums Murphy

Robert DeNiro, actor:
The Untouchables, Raging Bull

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2118279"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/a/collegehumor.d8ae6edc140afcc0462f9f3abd2a3461.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-16 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2118279">Jon Wolf</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:287"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 26 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

My Letter to Michael Cera

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 23:33:38 -0500

Dear Michael,

What's up? Things are good here - just school work and such. So you probably don't know who I am (unless you happened to know me through like three friends or something, which would be really CRAZY since I didn't think you knew me but you did - that would be SO funny, which would be cool since I know you like comedy HAHA...up top! *high fives*), but I just saw Superbad for the like gajillionth time and I feel like we would be really good friends. :-D

I bet I know what you're thinking!!! This kid's name sounds familiar! That's probably because I poked you on facebook 10-12 times last Tuesday. I attached a photo to jog your memory (Jog - get it? Just like your character in Juno HAHA. I knew you'd get it. You seem really nice in that movie.). I just wanted to let you know that you didn't poke me back. I figured you probably thought I wassome crazy FREAK fan or something, so I'm glad that I can clarify that I certainly am NOT! Whew!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1508577"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/e/collegehumor.65f5b63e8d0b68e52c47ccced5e05350.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-04 23:33:38 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1508577">Dan Amerman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:147"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 201 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Lightning Does Not Strike Four Times

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 18:08:26 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-26 18:08:26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 24 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 13:17:57 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> And, we're off!

Jamie-Lynn Spears has been busy boning other dudes while she's been knocked up, and is even allegedly using her pregnancy as a birth control. Think she learned that trick from her big sister? [WWTDD]

Britney is apparently attempting to get Governor Schwarzenegger to help her gain legal control of her estate (her dad is currently the boss). Maybe they should just compare crappy career moves instead. So what if she doesn't have her kids - she didn't make Kindergarten Cop! [IDLYITW]

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:300"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/f/collegehumor.6f6731616c295187aa4d0fffdfb6fdff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-15 13:17:57 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:300">Kate Spencer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1163"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 18 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:05:24 -0500

New mom Christina Aguilera was spotted out on the town this week for the first time since her son was born. The reason? Her boobs needed to vote - one picked Clinton and one Obama. Can you guess which? [HollywoodTuna]

Amy Winehouse was denied a visa to come to the US for the Grammys - because America's got enough crackheads to worry about without shipping in a couple of British imports. You know who I'm talkin' about... [CelebSlam]

BRITNEY(!!!) bailed on the treatment she was receiving in the UCLA pysch ward to follow her passion - wailing in a British accent while driving around at 100 MPH in her $55,000 Mercedes. Oh, and also - flashing her equally as insane poontang. [WWTDD]

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:300"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/f/collegehumor.6f6731616c295187aa4d0fffdfb6fdff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-07 22:05:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:300">Kate Spencer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1163"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 15 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Awkward Sex Talks

Mon, 07 May 2007 18:33:09 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Talking about sex with your parents is uncomfortable enough, but just imagine how bad it could be if your mom or dad is a professional. Luckily, Collegehumor uncovered the secret audio tapes of certain high profile “birds and the bees” discussions. I have transcribed them here for your reading pleasure:

FREUD & MARTIN

Sigmund Freud: Well Martin, you see…when every young boy matures he begins having these feelings that he cannot control.

Martin: Right.

Sigmund Freud: You see, these are all very natural feelings and you should not be ashamed of them. Do you understand?

Martin: I think so.

Sigmund Freud: Good. Now when you fantasize about your mother in bed, how does that make you feel?

Martin: Wait…what?!

Sigmund Freud: You know, when you’re…I mean when you beat the meat and you’re thinking about your mother…

Martin:

OK, hold on dad. That’s f***ed up. I don’t think about mom in that way.

Sigmund Freud: It’s alright son. Everyone does it. I’m not mad. I just need you to open up about your feelings. You know your grandmother used to be a pretty attractive woman herself many years ago…

Martin: Dad, I told you I’m not talking to you when you’re on coke.

Sigmund Freud: Where are you going?
[sound of door slamming]

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-07 18:33:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 26 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Too Cool For School

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 10:07:37 -0500

Nothing says cool like getting booted from school.� And since celebrities are very, very cool the transative property states that a bunch of them must have gotten ejected from our fine learning institutions.� Wouldn't you know it, the property doesn't lie!� Mental Floss and I are about to drop some knowledge about...

Celebrity Expulsions

Owen Wilson got suspended from his Texas high school for stealing the answer book off his geometry teacher’s desk. Apparently, no lesson was learned, though, and the bad boy celeb went on to pursue a life of (academic) crime. According to Wes Anderson, the Rushmore director once wrote an A+ English paper for his college roommate in exchange for the biggest room in their house. Upon discovering the ruse, the professor shattered Wilson's nose with a brutal thunder-punch.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-01 10:07:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ten Things I Learned From the Grammy's

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 15:40:09 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. The Grammy's are boring.

2. Tony Bennett is still alive.

3. CBS has no shame promoting their own shows (David Spade presenting a Grammy? Really?) For the record, we would never do that.

4. Red spandex pant suits are BACK.

5. If you want to win Song of the Year, all you have to do is insult the president, make a public apology, and then say 'SIKE!' through a heartfelt ballad.

6. The only part of 'Roxanne' anybody knows is the chorus.

7. Smokey Robinson, I'm 96% sure, has been possessed by the devil.

8. If Al Gore had done half the stuff he's doing now during the actual presidential race, he would have won.

9. The Grammy's might, JUST MIGHT, have been sponsored by Chevy.

10. Cee Lo from Gnarls Barkley could fit my entire head in his mouth.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:293"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/d/collegehumor.2500d10d3b58683f1224355d5ee015c3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-12 15:40:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:293">Sarah Schneider</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1120"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 17 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Five Famous People You Wouldn't Think Are Funny But Actually Are

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 11:30:17 -0400

1. John Mayer – Mayer isn't one of those snooty, full of himself celebs like that newcomer loser James Blunt. Actually, if you check out his blog (read this letter he wrote to the Smucker Peanut Butter Company) or go to a show you'll see he's pretty down to Earth and dare I say... funny too? He appeared in a Chappelle's Show sketch a while back and on his VH1 show John Mayer Has a TV Show he went to one of his own concerts before the show, dressed in a bear costume, and heckled his own audience as to why they would see a John Mayer concert. He also checked into the Comedy Cellar the other week for a quick stand-up. After watching those vids you've got to admit it, he's a pretty funny dude.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/5/collegehumor.410f4f84538571c78218e93585c6a5bb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877">CH Staff</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />