CollegeHumor: Complaints Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735857 Names That I Don't Trust Tue, 10 Jul 2007 11:54:39 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735857 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> They always say, “don’t judge a book by its cover”.  If the expression was “don’t judge a person by their name”, I’d be in trouble.  I just don’t trust people who fall under the following name-categories:

The girl who goes by her middle-name instead of her first-name

Why do you have to lie like that?  When I ask you your name, I’m expecting an honest answer. I’ve been under the impression that the name of the girl I’ve been making out with all night is Ashley.  Now you tell me that your first-name is actually Gertrude?  This changes everything. You’ve misled me with your false identity.  What else are you hiding?  Oh, I get it! Only your parents call you Gertrude…and everyone else calls you Ashley!  The same way only I think you’re 21…and everyone else knows that you are 16.   

The guy that refuses to go by the more common, shorter version of his name

Yeah I’m talking to you, Christopher.  Don’t want to be considered as “just another Chris”?  That’s fine if you also don’t want to be considered popular and cool.  Why the extra syllables, Christopher?  That’s just rude to everyone else. We are busy people –we  don’t need to be wasting our time sounding out your entire name to the bitter end.  The only person who shouldn’t shorten his name by a syllable is Harrison Johnson.  You, on the other hand, have no excuse.  Have fun hanging out with Matthew, Jonathan, Michael, and Gertrude.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-10 11:54:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 119 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734510 The Mother from "Hush Little Baby" Makes Some Returns At Target Thu, 21 Jun 2007 16:25:56 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734510 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hi. I hate to be a bother, but yesterday I purchased this large-billed mockingbird, and it wasn’t quite what I expected. No, it doesn’t sing at all. So, if it’s not too much of a hassle, I guess I’ll make an even exchange for the next best thing – this 4-karat diamond ring. Oh, yes, I can pay the additional $52,400. He’s a very picky baby.

So I bought this diamond ring yesterday afternoon, and gave it to my baby. It’s none of your business “why.” The point is that when I woke up this morning, it was brass. How does that even happen? I didn’t pay $52,400 for my diamond to go reverse Rumpelstiltskin. You know what? Just give me a looking glass. My baby is not going to be happy about this.

Okay, hi. The looking glass broke. I think what did it was my baby’s high-pitched agonized scream when he realized he was getting a mirror instead of that 4-karat diamond. Do babies even like anything other than mockingbirds and diamonds? Get me a Billy Goat from the Goat aisle. No, I don’t need any gruff with that. Jesus Christ.

I have a question. What use does my baby have for a Billy Goat that won’t pull? Obviously you have not met my baby. My baby has a large collection of heavy metal objects, and he needs them continuously relocated. You think he can do it himself? He’s a Goddamn baby! So I’d like to exchange the goat for this cart and bull. My baby has goods to be transported, and he doesn’t have all day.
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-21 16:25:56 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 76 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730691 Complaints From The Guy Who Misses The Big Picture Sun, 13 May 2007 21:26:33 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730691 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
  • Every single time I'm done boning my girlfriend, she makes me take a shower.  It's so f*cking annoying!
  • I swear, if I have to make one more trip to the bank to deposit a check, I'm going to straight up murder someone.
  • Why did you guys get so much beer?  There's no WAY all of this can fit into my fridge.
  • These front-row seats are way too close to the stage.  I can barely see the video monitors.
  • I have the biggest hangover right now; the drinks were just so inexpensive at the bar last night.
  • Why did my flight have to land 40 minutes early?  Now I have to call my buddy to tell him to pick me up right now.
  • I am so exhausted right now.  I really need to stop staying up until 4 in the morning having sex.
  • These gold bars that I found laying on the street are just so damn heavy!
    • View Article
    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/9/collegehumor.632ae6ce2194da1d069b53d991c38c72.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-13 21:26:33 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 50 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721758 A Formal Complaint to Mario Bros. Plumbing Sat, 03 Mar 2007 21:48:16 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721758 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Sir or Madam,

    I wish to file a complaint against two of your plumbers who, in my opinion, exhibited gross professional negligence and blatant disrespect while in my apartment to repair a clogged toilet. Though the employees refused to give their full names, I recall one being a short, pudgy man in red overalls, and the other tall and lanky in green overalls. Both had thick moustaches, and the short one, possibly a recuperating stroke victim, repeatedly shouted the name of your company in a high-pitched Italian accent.

    I led the two gentlemen into the bathroom, explained the problem, told them I would be in the living room if they had any questions, and left them to their work. When I returned around half an hour later, however, I discovered the short one sitting cross-legged on the tile floor popping psychotropic mushrooms from a Ziploc bag, and the tall one—apparently tripping already—attempting to squeeze himself down my toilet and incoherently rambling something about getting to the "Mushroom Kingdom"—a place he appeared to already be in.

    I went to the kitchen and began to call their supervisor. As I dialed, I heard a loud crash from my bedroom. I hung up the phone and ran over to discover the two had found their way in from the bathroom, and that the tall one had thrown my change jar to the ground and was scooping the coins up for, as he explained, "an extra life." Meanwhile, the short one was biting the heads off my girlfriend Christy's orchids. When I ran over to stop him, he warned me he now possessed the ability to shoot orbs of fire from his mouth.

    At this point, I was more concerned over the two men's health, as well as the safety of my apartment. When I suggested calling an ambulance they began to panic. The tall one, under the delusion he could demolish brick walls with the top of his skull, ran headfirst into my bedroom wall, knocking himself unconscious. Then the short one jumped in the air, grabbed the lighting fixture above, ripped it from the ceiling and, screaming about his newfound "invincibility," leaped through my second-story window. Miraculously, he survived this fall, and continued to run down Union Ave. grasping my bedroom light and trying to squash every pigeon on the sidewalk he passed.

    View Article
    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-03 21:48:16 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 353 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728648 King Leonidas Is A Terrible Roommate Wed, 25 Apr 2007 12:46:42 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728648 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> To the Office of Residential Life and Housing,
    First off, I am completely aware that I marked down on that form in the beginning of the year that I’d be fine with a transfer roommate. However, due to mitigating circumstances I am strongly urging you to consider allowing me to retract my statement. In regards to my current roommate, I feel like I need to ask, did you give me this guy to punish me? My roommate, Leonidas, is- in the nicest words I can think to describe him- a douchebag.

    Allow me to start at the beginning. When he first showed up, he wasn’t wearing a shirt or pants. It was March, twenty degrees outside. He was dressed in a loin cloth and cape and he reeked of putrid sweat. Later, as we were walking to the dining hall, I said something about the glare from the sun, and he yells, yells “THEN WE WILL WALK IN THE SHADE!” It caught me off guard to say the least. I tried not to think to much of it, but then the next day I asked if we should order a pizza. His reply? “TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!” The yelling is excessive to say the very least. He also may be delusional, on more than one occasion his exclamations have lead me to believe that he thinks our dorm is in Sparta. I tried to tell him we were in Connecticut, but to no avail.

    Furthermore, when Leonidas is “dropping the Persians off at the bottomless pit,” if you will, he refuses to flush. When I finally confronted him he made an awful war cry. I walked him to the bathroom to point out what I meant, that's when he screamed in my face, “EARTH AND WATER! YOU’LL FIND PLENTY OF BOTH IN THERE!”
               
    So, I’m applying for a dorm transfer. I’d rather put up with Theron than live like this anymore.

    Sincerely yours,
    Frustrated Roommate
    View Article
    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:50388"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/6/collegehumor.d42e582f8d0c754055feaeb612c56de4.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:50388">Liz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:831"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 70 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />