CollegeHumor: Conversations Articles This Month

CollegeHumor: Conversations Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794692 Black Friday Veteran Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794692 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Kid: Hey Grandpa.

Grandpa: (silence)

Kid: Grandpa?

Grandpa (looks at the kid): Oh, hey kiddo.

Kid: Whats wrong Grandpa?

Grandpa (turning from the kid and back to the fire): Do you know what tomorrow is?

Kid: Friday?

Grandpa: Tomorrow is Black Friday...

Kid: What's Black Friday?

Grandpa(quickly looks at the kid): What's Black Friday!? Only the most horrid and despicable day of the year! Fathers pitted against sons, husbands pitted against wives, brothers forced to fight tooth and nail against each other! So much bloodshed!

Kid: That sounds terrible! What were they fighting over?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2142371"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/7/collegehumor.ad58518cc1b6f9a7dcead3f7385b6f7a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-24 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2142371">Nat Tingley</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794819 The Second Thanksgiving Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794819 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

"I thought we asked you to bring the cranberry sauce."

Every American knows the story of the First Thanksgiving, when the Wampanoag Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvation and the two peoples celebrated with a feast. Lesser known is the "Second Thanksgiving." Like most Holidays, there was a lot of aggression..

GOVERNOR BRADFORD: (raising a glass) ...And so I'd like to propose a toast to another feast of Thanksgiving, and to our good neighbors, the Wampanoag.

CHIEF MASSASOIT: We are happy to see you have prospered these last 12 months. In fact, we've noticed there are more of you this year. A lot more.

GOVERNOR: Indeed, new boats from the Old World are landing every day.

CHIEF: So then you're all here to stay? Or...?

GOVERNOR: Of course! Come now, what foods have your people brought?

CHIEF: Nothing. You guys built a city where we used to grow our crops, remember?

GOVERNOR: (under his breath) I thought we weren't going to get into this at dinner.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-23 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 113 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793340 Meat Loaf Reveals What He Won't Do For Love Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793340 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Meat Loaf: You like it when The Loaf kisses your neck?

Girl: Ohhhh yeah, baby. Just like th- Wait!

Meat Loaf: What's wrong?

Girl: You can't just get right to it like that.

Meat Loaf: Why not?

Girl: We need...you know. Foreplay.

Meat Loaf: Oh. Wow. Yeah. Not really my thing.

Girl: I thought you said you'd do anything for love?

Meat Loaf: Right. But I won't do that.

Girl: That's what you were talking about? I always thought it was something more profound...

Meat Loaf: Nope. I just don't like going down on chicks.

Girl: So you'd go to "hell and back" before you'd perform oral sex on me?

Meat Loaf: Haha, now you're just trying to make me sound bad.

Girl: I just don't think it's fair.

Meat Loaf: Look, The Loaf doesn't need foreplay to get chicks wet.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-11 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 88 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793841 The Mega Man Bosses Have Had Enough Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793841 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Cutsman: Sir, me and the other robots have been talking.

Dr. Wily: You aren't developing feelings are you? I don't have time for any Pinocchio sh*t.

Cutsman: No, no! It's just...we think you're going about this "destroy Mega Man" thing the wrong way.

Dr. Wily: How so?

Cutsman: Well, seeing as Mega Man can absord powers, maybe you should make us all the same type so he can't exploit our weaknesses.

Dr. Wily: Each of you is a unique manifestation of my evil genius.

Cutsman: You don't see anything wrong with making a "Cutsman" and a guy with rock powers?

Dr. Wily: Nope.

Cutsman: Have you ever played "Rock, Paper, Scissors?" It's like that, except with Mega Man using rock powers to kill me.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-09 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 48 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794006 Luke Skywalker Gets Adopted Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794006 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Uncle Owen: So...you think this is the best idea?

Obi-Wan: Of course, you're Luke's only living relative. Where else is he supposed to go?

Uncle Owen: I was thinking anywhere else. This is absolutely the first place that anyone would look for him.

Obi-Wan: Who's gonna be looking for him?

Uncle Owen: Hmmm...maybe ANAKIN?! My psycho half-brother who is now Emporer Palpatine's apprentice. Remember him?

Obi-Wan: Uncle Owen, I chopped off his legs and watched him get all burned up. It's not like anyone has the technology to heal him.

Uncle Owen: What?! They absolutely do. We can travel at light speed through outer space, we sure as hell can heal some burn victim who has magic powers. I've got a bad feeling about this...

Obi-Wan: I wouldn't worry. It's not like he'd be able to find you.

Uncle Owen: Oh yeah, I'm sure the Emporer's right hand man would never think to check his home planet, his only living relative, or the only other person in the galaxy named "Skywalker." Can't we call him something else? How about Luke Smith?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/8/collegehumor.6eb639fd06721655a3e45cf8154fb0a4.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-09 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923">Andrew B.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 83 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793286 Wingman Mom Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793286 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Guy: So, where are you from originally?

Girl: Well I was born in Rhode Island, then I moved here in '98 when-

Mom: Oh! '98! That takes me back. You know, the first time Greg's stepfather and I made love was after we went to see Shakespeare In Love.

Guy: Mom! You're meant to be talking to the ugly one. Get in the game!

Girl: ... So, how about you? Where are you from?

Mom: Greg... Greeeeg.

Guy: What?

Mom: Why are we in a booth? Do you realize that by being in a booth, three quarters of your vision is impaired? How can we find you a wife-

Guy: Girl.

Mom: Girl, if you can't see anything. You have to think about these things to score to your full potential.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2121802"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/5/collegehumor.218f593a64bda80e5dd9f085f32e7c93.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-03 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2121802">Tom Philip</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 18 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793688 Razor Blade Apples Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793688 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Interior - The Spooky Old House Up the Block - Halloween Night

The old witch Mrs. Wilkins talks to her evil cat familiar, Hugo.

Mrs. Wilkins: Tonight's the night, Hugo. Tonight, when the moon is large and the spirits fly from their tombs, I shall take my revenge on the children of this town with razor blade-laced apples to spoil their goodie bags!

Hugo: Meow.

Doorbell rings. Mrs. Wilkins opens her front door, clutching a bowl of goodies.

Tommy and Lucy: Trick or Treat!

Mrs. Wilkins: Hello, little children. Would you like some candy? A Snickers bar? Some Nerds? Or perhaps an innocent, succulent APPLE!

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Snickers bar!

Lucy: Yay! Nerds!

Mrs. Wilkins: Yeah, um... so no one wants the apple? Hmm? Anyone?

Lucy: No thanks! Bye, Mrs. Wilkins!

Mrs. Wilkins: No, wait! Hang on. I really think you kids should take this apple.

Tommy: Why?

Mrs. Wilkins: Why? Why? Because it's Halloween, that's why. This is a treat. You're trick-or-treaters. When I was a kid, I would have given anything for a juicy red apple like this. You could even say... I'd die for it.

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Apples are gross.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1747720"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.688014cc4e3f51335e8cf30b65685d54.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-29 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1747720">Owen Parsons</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 93 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792647 The Legend of the Legend of Zelda Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792647 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Legend...wait for it...ofzelda!

Link: Huzzah! I've conquered innumerable foes, overcome impossible odds, trekked far and wide, come to the brink of death, defeated the unstoppable Ganon, and saved the fair princess!

Zelda: Yes, and for years to come, people will speak of the Legend of Zelda!

Link: Yes, the Legend of...what?

Zelda: Zelda - the legendary princess who was kidnapped and braved being trapped for a while until some elf guy saved her!

Link: I...I think you have this backwards. I'm the one who did all of the exciting stuff that would be considered legendary. It'll be the legend of Link that everyone talks about.

Zelda: Ugh, Link? That's not even a real name. Nope, that legend's all about Zelda.

Link: But...you didn't do anything.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/8/collegehumor.6eb639fd06721655a3e45cf8154fb0a4.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-16 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923">Andrew B.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 335 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792503 King Koopa Becomes Bowser Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792503 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Koopa Troopa, Goomba, Shy Guy and Bob-omb sit in a pub.

Hey guys!

Troopa: How much longer they got you walking between those two pipes?

Goomba: Two more weeks on the job, then I'm retired. I can't wait to see my kids again.

King Koopa enters.

King Koopa: Hey guys!

Everyone: Hey, King Koopa!

King Koopa: Ha, yeah, about that actually. You guys can just call me Bowser now.

Everyone looks confused.

Goomba: Bowser? What's Bowser?

King Koopa: It's my new nickname. You know, I'm a big turtle dinosaur, and everyone bows before me. I am the Bow-saur! Or Bowser, cause that's easier to say.

Goomba: That's retarded.

King Koopa crushes Goomba.

Troopa: Oh my god! Well, I definitely think it's cool!

King Koopa: Thanks! I knew I could count on you guys. So it's settled, I'm Bowser from now on.

Shy Guy: I don't know. What was wrong with just being King Koopa?

King Koopa: Uh, well... it's just that "King Koopa" was my father's name. And his father's, and his father's before that. That's kind of how monarchy works, you know? I figured it was time for a change.

Bob-omb: So this has nothing to do with the fact that someone spray-painted "King Poopa" all over your castle last week?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1747720"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.688014cc4e3f51335e8cf30b65685d54.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-06 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1747720">Owen Parsons</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 479 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792307 How to Get the Hottie at the Party Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792307 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Follow these tips ladies and you'll definitely get your man, at least until the hangover wears off.

Laugh at all his jokes
Ha ha great Dane Cook impression!

Keep drinking. Especially, YOU (girls that weigh 90 lbs.)
Sure, I'll have another Budlight Lime

The phrase, "That's SO interesting" never gets old.
Wow you can drink a 12 pack in 15 minutes?! That's SO interesting.

The phrase, "You're SO funny" can never get old.
You were still drunk AFTER the funeral? hahah that's SO funny.

Echo his similar interests.
Yeah I remember that scene in Old School. Will Ferrell is the best!
Yeah there is nothing better than Dave Matthews live.

Remark often on how you have no gag reflex.
Ya know, I could've been a sword swallower in a past life.

More obvious.
I don't have a gag reflex.

Better.

Always sneak the subject of your lacy panties into any and all conversation.
Really?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2123472"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/8/collegehumor.fd7450526a75cc5e8dad2df829511c87.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-05 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2123472">Anita Flores</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 27 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792226 The Problem With Red Lightsabers Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792226 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Anakin: All I'm saying is that if we were allowed to marry women, Yoda would stop making awkward passes at us.

Obi-Wan: Can't argue with you there.

Anakin: And another thing-

Obi-Wan: Whoa, whoa. Is that a new saber in your holster?

Anakin: ...What? Haha, no way man. Same old one I've always had.

Obi-Wan: Nope. The handle's totally different. Let me see! Let me see!

*Anakin resists, but Obi-Wan wrestles it away from him.*

Obi-Wan: This looks so badass. How do you turn it on?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-01 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 337 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791835 1337 Boyfriend Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791835 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

His dream girl.

David: Taunt dude! You're supposed to be the tank!

Zach: Just back up, you're drawing agro.

David: I can't, I'm-

Cheryl: *opening the door* David...?

David: Oh sh*t!

Cheryl: Discarded pizza rolls, empty Mountain Dew bottles...What's going on here?

David: We were...I was...fixing Zach's computer!

Cheryl: Liar! *starts bawling* You're having a LAN party aren't you!?

David: You weren't supposed to see this! You aren't supposed to be home for another three hours!

Zach: I should leave.

David: No, you know what? I'm done hiding.

Cheryl: *crying* You told me you were watching football.

David: Zach and I are in love! With Warcraft.

Cheryl: What's next, David? Painting Warhammer figures? Magic The Gathering? You're a child.

Zach: Magic is a complex game of strategy! It's not for kids!

Cheryl: You stay out of this! You...you...virgin loser!

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-23 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 267 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791463 250 Years Before 'The Goonies' Wed, 16 Sep 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791463 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

A pirate ship lies trapped inside a giant cave off the coast of Astoria, Oregon.
One-Eyed Willie and his first mate Derek sit at a table covered with treasure. They're surrounded by several dead pirates.

Willie: So how be the booby trap situation?

Derek: Well, everything's all set up like you wanted so no one should ever be able to get in here.

Willie: Great.

Derek: There's a couple things though...

Willie: Aye?

Derek: Well, it's just that we've been in here for like six years, right?

Willie: Yar.

Derek: Right. And we've managed to survive that entire time...in a cave...with minimal resources.

Willie: What be yer point?

Derek: Okay, well, my point is that we've been a pretty resourceful group,right? We dug tunnels, made a deadfall, carved that stone into a giant skull... We set up a goddamn waterslide...

Willie: So?

Derek: Dude, Jack built a fucking pipe organ out of human bones! Not to mention we've rigged up the entire cave to collapse in on itself if someone touches the treasure.

Willie: 'Tis pretty amazing, aye?

Derek: Yeah, 'tis. But I'm saying if we were able to do all that, shouldn't we be able to get out of here?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1613026"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/2/collegehumor.2a01e008b43d2d0cb0d31372ba129cb7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-16 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1613026">Rene</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790789 LOST Company Softball Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790789 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

"THEY TAGGED OUT MY SON!"

Jack: We're down by 5, but that doesn't mean we're out of this.

Kate: Jack...you're taking this a little too seriously. Why don't you let me bat for you?

Jack: You're not batting for me, Kate. I dropped that pop fly in the 3rd, I can fix this.

Locke: How about Boone? I've got a feeling he can-

Jack: A feeling, John? A feeling? Boone's gotten out nearly every at bat.

Locke: Boone's sacrifice RBI is what the game demanded.

Sayid: Perhaps I should have a word with the umpire. I find his large strike-zone unpleasant.

Kate: We definitely don't need to torture someone over this.

Sawyer: Hell, Freckles. Why not let Hadji remind the official that the tie goes to the runner?

Jack: I'm team captain, I'm making the call.

Locke: Now, hold on a sec-

*Jack grabs Locke by the collar and makes a crazy Jack face*

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-01 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 59 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789847 A Conversation Between a Capri Sun and a Straw Mon, 17 Aug 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789847 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Straw: Come on babe, give it up.

Capri Sun: I don't think I'm ready...

Straw: You never let me in. If you loved me, you'd want me to be the first.

Capri Sun: I do, I do!

Straw: Then let me break the seal.

Capri Sun: I can't! I guess it's just the way I was made.

Straw: Ugh, this was so much easier with Hi-C...

Capri Sun: You wanna go there? Then how about we talk about Junior Juice!

Straw: Look, she told me she was 18.

Capri Sun: Bullsh*t, she's tiny. I honestly don't understand how she could satisfy anyone.

Straw: I'm sorry, OK? It didn't mean anything to me. You're different than other juiceboxes.

Capri Sun: Then why can't you respect my decision to save myself?

Straw: LOOK BITCH, I WANT AT YOUR SWEET JUICES!

Capri Sun: Straw, NO!

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-17 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 57 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788709 The Truman Show Alternate Ending Thu, 30 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788709 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Truman: Was nothing real?

Director: You were real.

Truman: Did you guys have cameras everywhere?

Director: Yes.

Truman: Even by my computer in the basement?

Director: Everywhere.

Truman: So everyone...everyone's seen me masturbate?

Director: Those were some of our highest rated episodes, Truman.

Truman: And my wife? She's just an actress?

Director: Correct.

Truman: I had sex with her. Does that make her a prostitute?

Director: Kinda.

Truman: That time when I was 8...

Director: Episode #2868: Truman Grabs Poo Out of the Toilet to See What it Feels Like.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-30 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 403 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788188 Bro Doctor Tue, 21 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788188 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Doctor: Sweet, bro. Your throat and ears are chill. You wanna go ahead and hop off the table, or some sh*t?

Patient: Uhh...sure.

Doctor: Tits. Alright, now I'm gonna need you to drop your pants. No homo.

Patient: *Removes pants*

Doctor: Just a quick F-Y-I; not gay, just gotta grab your sack to check for hernia.

Patient: Right.

Doctor: Aw, gross dude!

Patient: Doctor, if you could be a little more profess-

Doctor: HAHA! Yo, it's hairy as sh*t. Like if you stuck gum on a gorilla.

Patient: I'm feeling very uncomfort-

Doctor: YO, YOU'RE GETTING A BONER. WHAT THE F*CK DUDE!? WHAT ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-21 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 411 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788064 Stimulated by Pizza, Pizza, Pizza Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788064 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I spent the summer studying abroad in Italy, and upon my return I hoped to skip two levels of Italian class. The following is a transcript from the Italian oral placement exam that I took this September. The conversation was conducted in Italian and has been translated into English verbatim.

TEACHER: Welcome! You must be Ethan. Please come on in and take a seat. You can leave the door open. Now, I'm just going to ask you some questions. Try to pretend that we're having a normal conversation and that this isn't an oral exam, and you should be totally fine.

ETHAN: Yes, yes. I am Ethan.

TEACHER: So, let's get started. Are you excited for school this year?

ETHAN: Yes, yes. Very. I am very stimulated for a year very rapid.

TEACHER: Do you know what classes you are interested in taking yet?

ETHAN: Yes, yes. No. I read the book; I do not know all my classes still. I know the classes this upcoming weekend.

TEACHER: (making a note) I see. Very well. Why don't you tell me about your summer in Italy? Where were you staying?

ETHAN: Yes, yes. My Italian summer was a very fun and beautiful place. Italy is beautiful. I am very stimulated to take more classes of Italian after I am in Florence for the fun summer.

TEACHER: (making a note) After I was in Florence the whole summer.

ETHAN: Yes, yes. After I was in Italy the whole summer. I apologize truly. I studied all this upcoming weekend yet I am still nervioso.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2077101"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/7/collegehumor.4abc61fb85cd589688d797877a8c8429.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-20 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2077101">Ethan Kuperberg</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 148 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787493 The making of Strawberried Peanut Butter M&Ms Thu, 09 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787493 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Red: Green,we have to talk. I think I'm...strawberried.

Green: But, I don't understand. You're chocolate.

R: I know I'm chocolate, I've just been having all these feelings. These...sweet, fruity feelings.

G: It's just a promotion, Red. It's confusing, I know-remember when you went dark chocolate for Star Wars? It'll pass.

R: This isn't like dark chocolate. Don't you see? I've never been meant for chocolate.

G: What's really wrong here...am I not good enough for you? Sure I could lose a little milkfat, but I've been using propyl gallate to maintain freshness!

R: It's not you sweetheart, it's just who I am. And it took Yipes to show me that.

G: The Fruit Stripe zebra? How could you! And after I let you melt in my-

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1159530"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/b/collegehumor.5d056bc5a546eb98eddf43db65a79785.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-09 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1159530">Jesse E</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1778376 My Childhood Toys at War Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1778376 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

*Stretch Armstrong is being held captive in the lair of the evil Skeletor. His limbs are tied to toy cars.*

Skeletor: Tell me the location of the GI Joe secret headquarters!

Stretch Armstrong: *spits in Skeletor's face*

Skeletor: You want to make this difficult? Very well. Foot soldiers, warm up the Hot Wheels.

Stretch: Hah! You think you can stretch me to death? That's kind of my thing, man.

Skeletor: There are limits to your powers, Mr. Armstrong.

Foot Soldier: The cars are ready, sir!

Skeletor: Commence stretching.

Stretch: Hah! It's no use, Skeletor!

Skeletor: Further.

Stretch: *starting to strain* Agh...it won't work. It can't!

Skeletor: Further.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-25 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 22 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />