CollegeHumor: Cops Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792129 Good Cop, Freaking Awesome Cop Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792129 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> A police station interrogation room.  JOHNNY, a greasy criminal, sits at a table.  DETECTIVE SHEPARD, a spunky young policewoman with everything to prove, is questioning him.

SHEPARD: So, you gonna confess, Johnny?  Or am I gonna have to bring in my partner?  And just so you know, I'm the good cop.

JOHNNY: Bring it on, Shepard, you've got nothing on me.

DETECTIVE BUCKLEY walks in, determined and badass.

SHEPARD: By the way, I got you some coffee, Johnny. Coffee here is terrible, thought you'd like some Starbucks.  I wasn't sure if you took sugar.

She throws down some sugar packets.  Suddenly, Buckley pushes Shepard aside and growls.

BUCKLEY: WHY YOU GIVING THIS GUY COFFEE?!  Here, Johnny.  I have some extra Sunny D on me.

Buckley is wearing a utility belt covered with Sunny D bottles.  He takes one off and hands it to Johnny.

JOHNNY: Hey, thanks!  I haven't had Sunny D in forever!

BUCKLEY: No problem.  I always have some.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2012657"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/0/collegehumor.8685a9df0903eaf5bf04dc307da0f6b8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-05 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2012657">Julia Nathan</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 39 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724970 The Negotiator Thu, 29 Mar 2007 18:20:34 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724970 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Too often in today's society, brotherhood and charity take a back seat to greed and personal interest.  CEO's embezzle money from their employees, people are murdered for their belongings, and worst of all, nobody seems to care.  But there is one man who still stands for the principles of charity, selflessness and all the other things that once made this society so great: The Negotiator.

The Negotiator is the guy you meet On those unfortunate nights when one of your buddies has a little too much to drink and winds up staring at you from the back seat of a police car. The Negotiator swoops in to save the day.  Drunk himself, The Negotiator stumbles up to the arresting officer volunteering to sort the whole mess out.  You may know him, you may know of him or he may be a complete stranger, but nevertheless, he's there for you when the cuffs come out.

"Officer... officer," he cries pushing his way through the crowd, "You gotta let that dude go, dude.  He didn't do anything, dude, I saw the whole thing."  At first the police will politely ask him to stand back and let them do their jobs, but The Negotiator is there to help, dammit. And nothing is going to stop him.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-29 18:20:34 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 15 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737978 Ten Worst Things to Say to a Cop after Getting Pulled Over: Tue, 07 Aug 2007 16:49:36 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737978 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

1) “Oh, I thought about being a cop. Then I decided to graduate from Middle School.”

2) “I'm making a citizens arrest. You're under arrest for being a fat retard.”

3)“Yea, I was going fast so I could get to your house to f*ck your wife.”

4)“Dude, how’d you catch me? I mean, I am driving a cloud.”

5)“I was going fast enough for you to put down your donut and pull me over.”

6)“Whatever officer, just don’t look in the trunk.”

7)“No speaka de Ingles.”

8)“Sorry if I was all over the road, I’m still buzzing a bit.”

9)“I make more money than you.”

10) “I smell bacon!”
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:96927"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/3/collegehumor.6e11e4230dfc2439b97957033849e60a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:96927">Patrick Monroe</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1153"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 57 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750443 The College Christ Cometh Thu, 28 Feb 2008 10:54:17 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750443 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> He has arrived. Long have you been unjustly harassed by the men and women of that totalitarian establishment commonly referred to as "the law". Long have you been kept from doing that which brings you pleasure and happiness. Long has Johnny Law stood in the way of your right to get bombed.

Kneel before the orbs of justice, PIG!
BUT BROTHERS AND SISTERS, OUR DAY IS HERE! Rise up with the College Christ of ASU, and say with him, "F*ck you, pig!" Feel his pain, for it is your pain! Throw your ping pong balls of righteous rebellion! The establishment can no longer keep us sober!

Abraham Lincoln. Gandhi. Malcolm X. Great men, all. They fought for the freedom of their fellow man, for his right to live as he so pleased. And finally, their fourth coming is here. He has many government contacts, and a lawyer who went to Harvard. The pigs are woefully mistaken to challenge him. HA! The College Christ laughs at them! Next time you are unlawfully detained for wrecking your liver, join your brother in our common cry, "How much did you get laid in highschool, huh? None? Me, a lot," and watch the porksmile slide off that pig's face!

Underage drinkers across the nation, live in fear no more. Your salvation is at hand.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8131"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/b/collegehumor.1227666bde5ffee443178ceb5e3a762f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8131">Sean Curry</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:219"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 17 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />