CollegeHumor: Drugs Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787702 Pros and Cons of Swallowing Pills That Are Handed to You at a Rave Mon, 13 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787702 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It's Ecstasy: This is probably what it is according to most movies where a chick hands a guy a pill in a bar. You take the pill, and you start feeling awesome and if you keep hanging out with this chick you'll probably hook up with her. If she ditches you you'll probably be mugged. Stay hydrated and you'll be all right.

It's a Roofie: Well if you're a hot chick I would recommend never taking a pill from any creepy looking guy, no matter how much they stress that, "It's certainly not a roofie." 9 times out of 10 this guy is lying.
Guys on the other hand, yea you may die from a roofie, but if this chick is hot, I mean, and she's trying to rape you; that would be an awesome story and in my opinion: worth it.

It's Tamiflu: Swine Flu is a big concern lately and who knows? Maybe she's a pharmacist and she walks around raves treating people. Now, this pill is more commonly in a pill shape and has yellow on half of it, while ecstasy more often then not has a picture of something you'd see on a pair of Claire's earrings.

It's Birth Control: Well, for starters, that chick is probably a man; and you either are a woman or look frighteningly so like one. Either way that man/chick is a weirdo, so 9 out of 10 cases of this happening the best thing you can do is to just run far away.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:950169"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/1/collegehumor.7987165490e4937047f60b511ab726d2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-13 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:950169">Adam</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:31"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 35 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1786686 Notes Of The First People Who Ever Took Drugs Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1786686 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127902"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/c/collegehumor.5d9fd1d0587e03f3109216ec2d05ec20.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-07 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:127902">Alex Schmidt</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 48 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774808 Weed Dealer or Mom? Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774808 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Make sure you call me.
Mom
I made cookies!
Weed Dealer
Nothing but the best for you.
Weed Dealer
This here is the good stuff.
Mom, referring to the name-brand soda she just splurged on at the A&P
I'm always around if you need me.
Weed Dealer
This weed is the dankest sh*t.
Best. Mom. EVER.
Are you by yourself?
Weed Dealer, unless you're walking home at 2am, then Mom
Got a nice selection for you today.
Weed Dealer/Mom who just went jean shopping
Make sure you get your money's worth.
Your Mom is a Weed Dealer
It doesn't matter how late it is, just call.
Weed Dealer
That sh*t ain't mine.
Weed Dealer/Terrible Mom
What are you doing later? Wanna hang out?
Mom, if it's your first Thanksgiving back from college. Otherwise, Weed Dealer
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:293"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/d/collegehumor.2500d10d3b58683f1224355d5ee015c3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-28 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:293">Sarah Schneider</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1120"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 308 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774404 Stoner-Vision II Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774404 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Sober   :::   Stoned


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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/5/collegehumor.410f4f84538571c78218e93585c6a5bb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-20 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877">CH Staff</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 620 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762165 An Oderall Wed, 17 Sep 2008 16:27:57 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762165 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 'Tis 9 AM
Eastern Time
A somber Tuesday morn'

A paper due
5 pages long
"How Democracy Was Born"

Mind is blank
An empty space
Devoid of inspiration

Eyelids heavy
Pillow soft
I lack all motivation

Oh pills of orange
In the bottom drawer
Underneath my magazines

I'm wide awake!
A miracle?
No, dextroamphetamines!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/8/collegehumor.06098b8bb7a6234c386249d817f7bddb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-09-17 16:27:57 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072">Conor McKeon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:529"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 60 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759443 Desperate Measures Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:29:35 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759443 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> *knock knock knock*
Brain: Hold on...hold on.  I'm coming, sheesh.  
*Brain opens door*
Body: Hey man...h-hey.  
Brain: Jesus, Body.  What time is it?
Body: It's nine at night, man.  
Brain: This is when I rest, Body, you know that.  What gives?
Body: I just, I just need a little bit of endorphin, man.  J-just a little bit.  
Brain: Ok ok, take it easy. What is he doing right now?
Body: Watching TV, man.  Come on, I just need a little.  
Brain: Listen, I'm not just gonna give you any endorphins without any stimuli. What is he watching?
Body:  60 Minutes.
*Brain goes to close the door* !slice
Body: Ok ok, let's make a deal, man, ok?  Let's make a deal. OK, h-here's the deal.  You give me some endorphins now, and then I promise he'll go to the gym or something once he feels starts feelin it. Cool?
Brain: That's not how it works, Body.  You know that.  
Body: I know, b-but what do you want me to do?!  He just SITS there, watching 60 Minutes. I need those endorphins, man!  
Brain:  What about sex?  I can kick out some endorphins for that.
Body: Chicken and the egg, man.  
Brain: Well look, I don't give this stuff out for free.  Get his act together and come back later.
Body:  L-let's talk about this, man.  Let's talk about what I can do for you.  How about I walk to the library tomorrow, would you like that, man?
Brain:  Goodnight, Body.
Body: Listen, I- I didn't want to do to this...
Brain: Hey...HEY, what are you doing?
*breaks finger*
Brain: You f*cking psycho!  
Body:  GIVE ME THOSE ENDORPHINS!
Brain:  Alright fine, HERE!  Take your beloved endorphins, Jesus.  
Body: Ohhh, yeaaaah.  N-nice, man, nice.  Life is looking better already.
Brain: You know they don't last forever, right?
Body: Just, shh, man.  Let him enjoy this. 60 Minutes just got twice as exciting.
Brain:  Now go to the gym, Body.
Body:  Why would I go to the gym when I already have endorphins?
*Body sprints away as Brain sadly watches him go*
Brain:  Dammit, my finger.  I guess a few little endorphins can't hurt, right?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1471734"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/e/collegehumor.a519c5f31c4a67cd9a32296edc3ff083.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-22 16:29:35 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1471734">Streeter/Sarah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 67 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750032 Son, we found your pot and we're very disappointed. Also, we need the number for your dealer. Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:12:12 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750032 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Jim? Jim! James Winningham get in here right now! Oh I'll tell you what the big deal is young man. Sit down.

Earlier today, your mother was cleaning in your room and she found...well, just show him, Emily. Yep. You know what that is? Of course you do, because it's marijuana. Oh yeah, you're definitely in trouble. Call that girlfriend of yours, Ilana, and tell her you can't make it to her makeout party tonight, because you are grounded. We are going to get on your ass, young man. I want your schedules for classes, homework, tests, and sports because you'll be doing nothing but studying and chores until this summer. And we're going to need your dealer's number as well.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1283081"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/7/collegehumor.a5ea83407b0a56bc5c341d9735518650.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-19 15:12:12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1283081">JohnnyNutty</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733313 Excerpts From A Gen Ed. Law Class Fri, 08 Jun 2007 11:35:12 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733313 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The end of class, day one.

[upload:1483913:small:right:State school law class 101] Professor: (chuckling) And now you'll know, ladies and gentleman, the next time you get pulled over, and the police officer asks if he can search your car that you can tell him, politely of course, not without probable cause sir, I know my fourth amendment rights.

Student: (excited) Wait, so like, if my friend got pulled over and he's got like weed in the trunk and sh*t, he can tell the pigs to go to hell?

Professor: Um, well, in a way, yes.

Student: And like what if I was like selling coke and--

Professor: Why don't you save your question for another time. Have a good weekend everyone.
_____________________

Mid-class, day four

Professor: ...and according to Lochner v. New York, the right to free contract is implicit in the due process clause of the fourteenth amendment. You see, in early 20th century America--

Student: That's kinda like the time I got busted for buying E. See I used to work in this pizza place, right? My boss was this older guy, and he'd sell me some stuff sometimes. So, like, we had a contract, right? It was like a verbal contract that I'd buy E from him every week before I went out. But then one day the f*cking cops came in and busted both of us, but we had a contract so uhhhh... They were in violation of our fourteenth amendment rights, right?

Professor: Not quite. You see, the Lochner decision relates more to contracting in the sense of employment conditions, otherwise we could contract for anything and it would be legal under US law. Murder doesn't become legal if you hire an assassin either.

Student: Hey what if I'm smoking in my room, but, like, I'm just BLASTING this Moe show I downloaded and that hard-*ss RA comes in to tell me to turn down the noise, but then she see's me tokin'. What happens then?

Professor: This doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, now please, no more interruptions.

Student: Wait, but what if ... Well, I have a  housing contract so--

Professor: No more interruptions, moving on.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.aefefba05adec0eb158d18dd8d36a1b2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-08 11:35:12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494">Kevin Corrigan</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:344"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 53 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724016 Performance Enhancing Drugs Thu, 22 Mar 2007 11:47:53 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724016 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Learn Something has been on spring break for the past few weeks.  It was sick.  We drove down to Lauderdale, hit up a few Waffle Houses, met some chicks on the beach and got a sick tattoo of a fish.  Anyway, we're back and in the spirit of excess, this week Mental Floss and I are teaching you about...

Substance Controlled Athletes

Match the athlete to their substance!

A. Dock Ellis 1. Cigarettes
B. Dick Trickle 2. Hookers and Crack
C. Bill Lee 3. Acid
D. Barret Robbins 4. Weed
E. Lawrence Taylor 5. Booze

Answers after the jump
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-22 11:47:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1716845 RoboNarc Sun, 28 Jan 2007 21:05:34 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1716845 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
GREETINGS PEERS. Do you also recall us using marijuana together last night? I will proceed when you answer in the affirmative.

I am unable to recall a time when I have ever been more affected by tetrahydrocannabinols. It was considerate of your friend named JAMES JANSTA to enable our DRUG PURCHASE.

Prime directive #2 requires me to ask if you know where JAMES JANSTA is now? I mean, do you know where James is? I want to obtain more tetrahydrocannabinol rich cannabis.

Well no matter. Let's continue discussing the enjoyable experience of cannabaloid receptor saturation and cease worrying about the probable whereabouts of JAMES JANSTA.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />