CollegeHumor: Drunk Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792307 How to Get the Hottie at the Party Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792307 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Follow these tips ladies and you'll definitely get your man, at least until the hangover wears off.

Laugh at all his jokes
Ha ha great Dane Cook impression!

Keep drinking. Especially, YOU (girls that weigh 90 lbs.)
Sure, I'll have another Budlight Lime

The phrase, "That's SO interesting" never gets old.
Wow you can drink a 12 pack in 15 minutes?! That's SO interesting.

The phrase, "You're SO funny" can never get old.
You were still drunk AFTER the funeral? hahah that's SO funny.

Echo his similar interests.
Yeah I remember that scene in Old School. Will Ferrell is the best!
Yeah there is nothing better than Dave Matthews live.

Remark often on how you have no gag reflex.
Ya know, I could've been a sword swallower in a past life.

More obvious.
I don't have a gag reflex.

Better.

Always sneak the subject of your lacy panties into any and all conversation.
Really?
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2123472"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/8/collegehumor.fd7450526a75cc5e8dad2df829511c87.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-05 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2123472">Anita Flores</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 27 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747577 Gourmet Drunk Food Thu, 03 Jan 2008 13:42:39 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747577 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Two students, Benetar and Joniston, stumble out of a party drunk as fudge and begin half walking/half falling home.


- Guess what time it is.

- Four?

- TIME FOR SOME ROUGHAGE, BROTHA!

- Oh man, so hungry. I could go for something to soak this sh*t up.

- Yes. Oh wow, you know what I want? Like... so bad?

- Yes. Oh my God, Yes.

- Pear braised pork tenderloin--

- And fingerling sweet potato puree! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO F*CKING SAY THAT!

(They hug)

- Come on I gotta find that sh*t somewhere.

- Slow down dude.

- Oh man, I could totally house like a... like a... like a... coconut-cilantro garden salad with raspberry vinagarette or something?

- Dude, I would down a leafy green with any fruit reduction right now, I don't f*cking care I am so DONE, let's just go!

- Jesus... you have to be sh*tting me, it looks like they're closed.

- God dammit.

- Why are there no 24/7 Il-Trattoria de Vermicelli in this f*cking city!?! This is f*cking retarded!

(They press their faces against the glass entrance doors)

- Sh*t those sun dried tomato baguettes look so FRESH!! UGHHHH! (almost crying) I want one with olive oil so bad...

- Is Pomme Brulée Chez Mère Agathe open? Use your iPhone dude, look it up, I would bust a nut for escargots avec boeuf bourguignon fourrés dans un sanglier bouillabaisse!

- Oui, mon frère, avec des côtes au gros sel, olives vertes et limaçons! Ô mon dieu! Simplement pensant a cette bouffe me fait nostalgique de mes voyages a Saint-Germain. La Bouffe, les hommes, le vin... Ca me fait dur à le penser!

- Ho! Ho! Ô merde! Mon iPhone est mort.

- Let's just go to KFC.

- Huh?

- The Kiwi Fig Chutney-torium.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-03 13:42:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 160 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1740092 A Five-Step Guide to Blacking Out Sat, 08 Sep 2007 20:14:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1740092 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1) Drink. A LOT. Pregame with 8 or 9 shots of vodka/gin/rum/151 before you head out for the night. Once you arrive, be sure to sign up for a game of pong. If you suck at pong, sign up several times, using aliases. Be sure to fill your cups up all the way - you don't want people thinking you're a wuss. After the pong, head over to the flip cup table and play that for about a half-h

2)

3)

4)

5) Wake up. For maximal effect, this step should take place in a corn field or prison cell, naked.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1021902"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.2db53d48c6234727bba1571f6fc0ac6d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-09-08 20:14:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1021902">Tommy Wilder</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:511"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 49 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1732603 Sober Me has a Sit Down Talk with Drunk Me Thu, 31 May 2007 21:39:15 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1732603 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> (Drunk me stumbles into an upstairs bedroom where sober me is waiting)
DM: Hey, you’re not Kasey.

SM: It’s Katie actually, but yea, I asked her to tell you to meet her upstairs because I couldn’t get you up here otherwise. Listen, we need to talk.

DM: Talk, man? There is a freakin sweet party downstairs. Don’t say anything but I think I am supposed to be meeting up with that Kelly chick later, she totally wants to (DM performs a couple hip thrusts) You KNOW!!! (DM goes for the high five but is left hanging; he looks incredibly hurt)

SM: No, Katie is not interested, it’s only me. Look man, every time you go out in public you end up doing a couple of things that make me look bad. It’s like everything positive I do you reciprocate with a negative.

DM: Whater you talkin ‘bout man?

SM: Like with Katie. We had a nice night going out to dinner and a movie last Wednesday but then on Friday you called her a bitch for taking your keys and almost ruined everything.

DM: Yea, but you apologized for that. Tell the bitch to chill yo, like, I was drunk.

SM: Exactly! I apologized. And don’t tell her to chill because you were drunk. You are always drunk!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-31 21:39:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 62 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723323 Everybody's Drunk! Fri, 16 Mar 2007 14:13:08 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723323 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Microsoft Paper Clip Man:
Hey. HEY!! Looks like you're writing a list! Hahahhaha. Want help with your LIST? What kinda list is it? Hey. What kinda list? Are you gonna write a list about how many gays you had sex with? I bet that's the list. Hey. Hey. Need help writing a letter? I bet you do. I bet you wanna write a letter about, to your boyfriend. It'll be like "Dear Boyfriend, I wanna hug you and kiss you on the tongue. Blah blah blah." Hey let's get in a fight! Stop! Don't close me! I need to get into a fight! Point to somebody, I'll punch them. I don't f*cking care. I'll punch them in the neck.


GPS Navigational System:
Hard left... coming up... In 100 feet. Movie theater up ahead... Just... Make a right in 20 feet... Great... Since you're here,  there's this super good pizzeria coming up. Come on just get it! Ughhh pizza tastes sooo goddamn good when you're drunk. Come on! Look! I can see inside! There's no line!! It'll take two seconds, come on! The movie doesn't start for twenty minutes. Please! I'll shut up if you get me pizza, I swear! Fine I'm not gonna tell you how to get there until you get a slice of pepperoni and mushroom and put it under my hood! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a!  Pizz-... YAY!!!!! You're such a good guy. This guy's a good guy. Ugh. Pizza. So good.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-16 14:13:08 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 55 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1719589 What You Are Basically Telling Your Body Fri, 16 Feb 2007 12:38:09 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1719589 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

First Shot: Hey baby here's a little poison gift. Come on, I'm just joking. Loosen up, man. It's Saturday! Aw, don't even worry, because after last night, I'm gonna take it easy. You probably wont even feel anything.


Second Shot: That first one was practice, seriously. Two shots will NOT hurt you at all. I bet you won't even feel it. Promise. Hey. Hey! Look at me. I promise, okay? Kay good.


Third Shot: Sorry, that was my bad. They were chanting, things got a little outta hand. I was kinda forced into that. You're not mad are you?


Fourth Shot: Oh, shut up. I went to the gym twice this week and I've been walking to school and back, if anything YOU owe ME one. So, please.


Fifth Shot: I'm not listening! Honestly, I'm not even listening to you.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-16 12:38:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 204 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720690 How To: Unsuccessfully Sneak Beer Into The Dorms Fri, 23 Feb 2007 12:08:24 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720690 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> We have all snuck illegal beverages into our dorm rooms before, but only the elite few can actually get caught in the act. Here is how it happens.

Step 1: Get Drunk

The easiest way to screw up even the most menial of tasks is to be wasted.  Make sure you buy enough booze so that you can be drunk, and have enough left over to sneak in. Two thirty packs of keystone will do.  Actually, better make it three.

Step 2: Forget your backpack.

If only you hadn't left the man purse your mom got you for Easter in your dorm room, you could hide the beer in there.  But, you don't want to make two trips up the exhausting elevator and arousing suspicion.  It's OK, the lobby attendant is probably just as drunk as you are at 3 P.M.

Step 3: Pee in the elevator.

It's going to be another minute and a half before you can get you the bathroom.  That other guy in the elevator won't mind. Go ahead and urinate on the emergency phone.  Yelling "take that you red bastard" is not required, but is a plus.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101598"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/1/collegehumor.07863c4f969222921a57d391b604c2fa.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101598">Smitty</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:149"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721676 Effects of Alcohol on Speech Fri, 02 Mar 2007 23:52:02 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721676 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

  • Indubitably
  • Innovative
  • Preliminary
  • Proliferation
  • Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

  • Specificity
  • British Constitution
  • Passive-Aggressive Disorder
  • Loquacious Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

  • Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
  • Nope, no more shots for me.
  • Sorry, but you're really not my type.
  • Good evening officer, isn't it a lovely night out?
  • Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:517918"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/2/collegehumor.b14e96712273454cb8f3c4d2af298cca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:517918">Johnny Charles</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1139"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723728 A Public Apology to David Wain Tue, 20 Mar 2007 12:15:40 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723728 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It’s been a little over four years since that fateful night, and I’ve never had the courage to come forward with my story.  I’ve been shocked, upset, and utterly embarrassed.  But now, I feel it’s time to use this forum to officially issue a public apology to David Wain.

What follows is my story – one of excitement, one of intrigue, and inevitably, one that he probably doesn’t even remember.  But I wouldn’t feel right unless I finally set the story straight.

It all began with my youthful exuberance.  I was a big fan of The State, going as far as making my AOL screen name “ChknSandwichCarl”.  In between pornography sessions (the web felt so alive back then), I came upon (not literally) the “Official” web site for The State.  It had an e-mail address on it to send fan mail or whatever, so I dropped the typical ignorant line that a nineteen year old would send to one of his comedic inspirations:

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1719719 Strangely Similar Sat, 17 Feb 2007 14:38:01 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1719719 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>


I was watching the Price is Right and realized, there are a lot of similarities to being drunk and being on the price is right:

  • They scream randomly and obnoxiously if you mention their name or where they are from.
  • They make really stupid decisions that, as an observer you know are stupid, but in the same situation you know you'd do the same  things.
  • They hug and profess their love to anyone who is giving them something free.
  • It's not as fun without the games.

  • They kiss people they wouldn't normally kiss.

  • They're not allowed to drive the cars.

  • They don't have a great concept of how expensive things are.

  • They oggle attractive women.

  • Their friends cheer them on.

  • They get excited over really, really trivial things.  Like dinette sets.

  • Bob Barker is there egging you on.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:123030"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/d/collegehumor.9ac078a3be1c795b869e72edf9635f0f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:123030">DavidWage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 48 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />