CollegeHumor: God Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789328 Heaven's Short List Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789328 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Peter talking to a man at the pearly gates.  A long line of people behind them.

Peter:  "I'm sorry sir, you're not on the list.  You'll have to step aside."

Man:  "No, there has to be some kind of mistake."

Peter:  "Oh, well then..."  Quickly flips through the list.  "Nope, still not. Step aside please.  Next in line."

Next man starts moving forward.  First man stops him.

Man:  "Hey, hold on."

Peter sighs.

Peter:  "What?"

Man:  "What about the time I picked up trash on the highway?"

Peter:  "What about it?"

Man:  "What do you mean 'What about it?'  I think that should count for something."

Peter:  "Well it might if you weren't court ordered."
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1704313"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/3/collegehumor.74cc9b4225941c17b9e96a03ec4a0e52.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-13 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1704313">Julian Ramirez</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 40 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788598 How God Really Feels About Gay Sex Wed, 29 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788598 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
The Garden of Eden, day ten or so.

God: Adam, there's something we need to talk about.

Adam: Sure, what's up?

God: It's about sex.

Adam: Oh sex! I meant to thank you for that. Great invention. Use it all the time. In your top five, for sure.

God: I'm actually not talking about sex with Eve - I'm talking about sex with someone like yourself.

Adam: Ah, that? Sorry, sometimes I'm alone, or Eve's not in themood, and I have to make do. In fact, since you removed that rib, I canalmost reach it with my mo-

God: No! No, I'm not talking about that. I meant about sex with another one of my creations, who I also made as a male.

Adam: Who? The snake? The angel with the flaming sword? Because youalready told me the animals were a no fly zone, and I'm not even surethe winged dude is into that kind of thing.

God: Look, one day, you and Eve will procreate, creatingnations of both women and men. It may come to pass that a man, like yourself, may lie with another man, and I just wanted to let you know that-
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/e/collegehumor.19dc6c6166e28b864a1f0ece84a80bf0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-29 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106">Ben Joseph</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 53 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758021 God Acts Like My Roommate Wed, 25 Jun 2008 20:55:24 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758021 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
God: Adam, might I speak with thou for a moment?
Adam: Yes my Lord?
God: It seems that fruit is missing from my tree.
Adam: Indeed my Lord! Eve tasted from the tree earlier this morning!
God: ...What did thou say?
Adam: My blessed Eve, she ate from the tree.
God: Oh...OK. Adam, have thou not learned of My rules for living together in My Garden of Eden?
Adam: But what do You mean my Lord?! How have I forsaken You?
God: My child, it was not so much thou as it was thy woman. I am starting to believe that creating her may not have been the wisest of choices. 
Adam: But my Lord! Eve assured me that it would be fine to eat from the tree! !slice
God: Have I not clearly labeled what is Mine and what is yours? Did I not time and time again insist that she respect my belongings? Doest thou see me taking things from her? Doest thou?!  Plus, it seems as though she never leaves!
Adam: My Lord forgive her, she know not what she do!
God: Oh you pitiful man! Eve knows exactly what she does! Thy "blessed" Eve continues to displease me, Adam. Thou shalt teach thy woman some respect, or else I shalt burden her with the pains of labor!
Adam: No, Lord! Please forgive us!
God: I do not know how I can forgive thou, Adam. thou hast broken my golden rule.
Adam: I know my Lord. I am so sorry for not treating thou the way I would like to be treated!
God: No, Adam.  "Gods before broads."  I shall mail you your share of the security deposit whence I move out. 

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1256268"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.baby.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-06-25 20:55:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1256268">Daniel Mantler</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1144"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 91 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743572 Notes on Creation from a Super-Villain Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:47:53 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743572 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/e/collegehumor.19dc6c6166e28b864a1f0ece84a80bf0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-10-31 10:47:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106">Ben Joseph</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 351 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743517 Jesus: Lazy Sunday Tue, 30 Oct 2007 14:14:42 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743517 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Jesus: Hey Dad. Can we talk?
God: Yeah, what's up kid?
Jesus: So I was talking to some of my buddies a couple days ago and I told them that you were my dad and they all laughed at me. I was wondering if there was something you could do.
God: Oh...well I have a lot on my plate right now. Lot's of stuff to do. Work, work, work.
Jesus: I understand.
God: Blitz! BLITZ! Get rid of the ball!
Jesus: Huh?
God: Nothing. Never mind. If you're asking me to kill your friends. Consider it done.
Jesus: No, that didn't work last year and I doubt it will work now. I just want some people to believe that what I am telling them is the truth.
God: Honestly, what's the big deal? If they don't believe, who cares? More heaven for us, right? You got to protect the sidelines, you idiot!
Jesus: Dad, are you busy?
God: No, it's fine, I just got a couple of guys over to watch the game. What were you saying?
Jesus: I don't know, I guess to be completely honest, I would really like it if you would come down tonight so I could introduce you to some of my friends.
God: But it's Sunday. The day of rest...
Jesus: Dad, I really could use your help.
God: Alright, fine. I'll come down later tonight, happy?
Jesus: Sober?
God: Soberish.
Jesus: Forget it.
God: Hear me out. How about on Monday morning I write something in the clouds like, "Jesus is telling the truth!" in big, bold letters. 12,102 font across the beautiful, blue sky.
Jesus: No, absolutely not. Just forget I ever asked. Oh yeah, Mom wanted me to tell you that she's not speaking to you any more until you take away Joseph's blindness.
God: What a pussy. I bet he cried to her about it. Fine. Tell her that I'll take it away first thing tomorrow. Anyways, if you're really against the sky writings, then my vote is back to killing your friends.
Jesus: Dad are you even listening to me? I'm going to go...
God: Blatant pass interference! Alright, see ya kid.

-------------------------------------
Previous Episodes:
Jesus: Joint Custody
Jesus: Daddy's Drunk Dial
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2146253"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.baby.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-10-30 14:14:42 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2146253">Mikey J</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 72 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718205 Got One Of My Finals Back Tue, 06 Feb 2007 17:33:43 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718205 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-06 17:33:43 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 181 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738984 Michael Jackson's Soul Leaves for Earth Tue, 21 Aug 2007 03:02:50 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738984 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

GOD: You're all set to go, My Son. You are My Greatest Creation, blessed by the sacrifice of Jesus and made in My own image. I've given You the great gift of music. Use it well.

MICHAEL: Aw, well, don't you just think like, you know…? My nose is like... it's totally big.

GOD: Excuse Me?

MICHAEL: Ahh I can't go out there like this. I'm black as night.

GOD: I'm black. What are you trying to say?

MICHAEL: Oh, heh. Nah, nah, it ain't like that. I'm just sayin', come on God. I'm ugly. Look at my sister, she's gorgeous. Don't make me "that guy."

GOD: Michael, I love You more than anything in the world. I love You so much that I sent My only Son down to earth to suffer and die for You. And might I add that neurological molecular biology didn't just come to Me in a dream. You are My greatest creation. Now go.

MICHAEL: Ahh don't be like that. Look at all them handsome people out there. Maybe just a few shades lighter?

GOD: GO!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />