CollegeHumor: How To Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774639 My Solution to Texting-Related Car Crashes Tue, 28 Apr 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774639 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> All it will take is one simple technology I designed for cell phones:

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-28 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 32 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773502 I Wish That I Had Jessie's Girl Thu, 09 Apr 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773502 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 5 Easy Steps to Getting Your Best Friend's Gal

It's happened to everyone. Whether it's true love or simply boredom, you've found yourself lusting after the forbidden fruit of friendships, your buddy's girlfriend. Despite the fact that she's clearly out of his league (and better suited for, well, yours) there's nothing you can do about it, right? Wrong. Now in 5 easily swallowed chunks, how to get what you want and
It's not sabotage if you do it with a smile.
look great doing it. Besides, some douchebag was eventually going to steal her, anyway. Why shouldn't that bag of douche be you?

Step 1: Operation Self-Destruct
Chances are that, given she's a woman, Princess feels like she's not getting the one-on-one attention she deserves. This is great for you. Not only will it taint her perception of the relationship, but will likely lead her to passive-aggressively destroy it from the inside out. No matter how much your friend likes her, he'll eventually begin to resent her neediness, making you look like a regular knight in shining armor. You can help this process along by encouraging your buddy out of the house and away from a potentially healthy relationship.

Step 2: Repeat after me. Subtlety, subtlety, subtlety.
Remember that old board game 'Don't Wake Daddy'? Well this is kind of like that- either can land you a midnight delight if you play your cards right or send you back to bed frustrated and lonely. You can't just take what you want; it has to come to you.

Most girls really just want someone who can give them understanding, attention, and affection. You obviously won't provide any of these things, but convincing her otherwise is simply a matter of employing some minor behavioral changes:

  • Look her directly in the eye when you speak to her. This shows her that you are a genuine, trustworthy, and attentive guy (Ha).
  • Smile when she says something interesting (she does that occasionally, right?) and try to address her directly in conversation.
  • Make a sincere effort to get to know her. Hell, you might even discover there's a reason things aren't working out between this vapid shell and her boy-toy.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1686565"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/a/collegehumor.b8779836487f830fdf97747a60b6d0a8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-09 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1686565">Genevieve</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:264"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 29 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772299 How to Get Any Girl to Sleep with You Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772299 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
1. Tell her you like sandwiches
This is a pretty easy and agreeable ice breaker...
best served barefoot
Mainly because you'll be hard pressed to find someone in opposition to the pro-sandwich position. Plus, girls have the animalistic instinct to want to be in the kitchen cooking things, with  nothing but cool hard tiles beneath their feet. Sandwiches are so easy to make, so your (future) lady friend will feel secure knowing you're just a low maintenence guy who wouldn't ask for much in the kitchen. She gets to fulfill her God-given right to cook for men and you get a free Turkey Club.

2. Tell her you like babies
Girls LOVE babies. Cute, cuddly, and totally hitting the maternal instinct. Have you ever seen girls around babies? All over 'em. And what's better than seeing a baby? Having one, of course. Here's a little known fact-- You know that day in health class where they separated the boys and the girls to talk about sex? While you were learning what condoms were, girls were learning how to poke holes in them.  Trust me, there's nothing a college girl wants more than to take her young, hot bod and shove a baby in it. So go on, tell her you like babies and you'll be one step closer to makin' em.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1745270"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/5/collegehumor.d6d633329d67c3bcecc4e765cb8b517f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-24 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1745270">Marina Cockenberg</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 297 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751914 3 Ways NOT to Get a Girl on Facebook Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:48:34 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751914 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Over the past few months, Susanna Wolff has done a great job getting undeserving guys everywhere a little action with her great columns on how to get girls. While I can't offer any of the same wisdom, I can share with you guys 3 ways NOT to get a girl on Facebook. Observe:
1. The Faux-Facebook Event For Your "Lost Phone."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:480268"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/4/collegehumor.1ac1a12951625e3c5f453414ec0865a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-27 12:48:34 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:480268">Kevin Slane</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:166"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 224 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1727049 Being a Classroom Douchebag Thu, 12 Apr 2007 17:47:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1727049 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Add to the discussion only to show how smart you are. Bonus points for starting your inane rambling just as class is ending, so that it is plain to everyone that you are trying to make up for your lack of attention and participation, and that you don’t care at all about taking up other people’s time. Your commentary should be only vaguely relevant to the discussion, making it clear that while you know what the discussion has been about, you haven’t been listening to anyone. If possible, intentionally obfuscate your point because you’re sure that in doing so, people will just assume that you’re too smart for them.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:744132"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/6/collegehumor.db383cdefa5e439ef49ddda6fb0f80e0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:744132">Tristan Axelrod</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:164"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 37 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728584 Seven Steps to a Threesome Tue, 24 Apr 2007 21:10:39 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728584 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1 - Buy cheap antique-like vase from thrift store.

2 - Tell girlfriend that your grandmother gave it to you and make up an elaborate and meaningful history relevant to your entire family.

3 - Wait for girlfriend to get blackout drunk.  (And end up sleeping at your place)

4 - Break vase.

5 - When girlfriend wakes up, be sitting at your desk trying to glue the vase back together.

6 - Tell girlfriend that she broke the vase while she was drunk.

7 - Wait for girlfriend to say "OMG, how can I make it up to you?"

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563820"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.baby.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563820">Wiltonburg</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:103"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 149 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729084 A Guide To Musical Appreciation Sat, 28 Apr 2007 19:37:42 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729084 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Congratulations, you’re a musician.  You’re already well on your way to sleeping with the swooning masses.  That is, unless you play an instrument other than guitar, bass, drums, or keyboard (and even then…) In this case, you’ll probably remain Tommy McNosex.  Nobody wants to do the third chair clarinetist, not even if you can play an entire Bach concerto by memory. (ESPECIALLY not if you can play a Bach concerto by memory.)  This is why I’m offering some handy tips to ensure that you don’t go home with only your cleaning rag. 

•    If it has keys, valves, holes, or is shiny and phallic, stay away from it – no one has ever said, “John, your technique in the 2/4 to 6/8 transition was impeccable – take me now.”  You will never hear this.  Partly because nobody talks like this, but mostly because you will never hear anything since no one will actually be at your performance.  This is because they feel uncomfortable that your instrument resembles a sex appliance.

•    If you’re a solo singer/guitarist, sing quietly – Remember; the loudness of an acoustic song is directly proportional to its suckiness.  Singing quietly also infuses your song with all sorts of emotional depth.  At least, that’s what the blond in the second row will be thinking.  It actually just conceals the fact that your voice conjures up images of dying kittens.  Also, it presents the illusion of range when you raise your voice to a normal level at that oh-so-climactic, angst-ridden point.  Remember, every effective song must have a minimum of one of these moments.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:798286"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/7/collegehumor.55d0d0228dc9a883fbdc78074d36351f.gif"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:798286">Salomone</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:492"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739203 Do Your Own Laundry In 5 Easy Steps! Fri, 24 Aug 2007 00:47:33 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739203 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. Pack washing machine as tightly as possible. Include anything you would like clean. Clothing is a great starting point. It will provide cushioning for your more delicate items. The laundry machine can also safely and effectively clean dishes, wallets and even iPods.

[upload:2104718:small:right: About 1/4 of a load]2. Add soap, close the door, put in your quarters and hit start. It’s that easy. To get your items as clean as possible, you’ll want to choose the hottest and most violent cycles. Does your washer have a car-crash cycle with both volcanic and cold water wash? That’ll do. The turbulence will smash the grass stains right out of your jeans, while the fiery waters will turn your boring whites into new and exciting colors.

Soap choice is also important. Any laundry detergent will do, but if you really want to give your clothes that new-car shine then dish soap is the way to go.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.aefefba05adec0eb158d18dd8d36a1b2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494">Kevin Corrigan</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:344"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />