CollegeHumor: Imagination Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1752859 My Second Grade Conception of College Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:36:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1752859 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Stretch Armstrong: Hello Steve, I'm your new roommate.

Me: Wow...

Stretch Armstrong: I hope you're ready for a year of no homework, no baths, and tons of fun!

Me: (Nods head)

Stretch Armstrong: Say, those are some pretty sweet glasses you got there.

Me: Thanks, they turn into sunglasses when you go out in the sun. Sometimes they take like half an hour to turn back to normal glasses, though.

Stretch Armstrong: Interesting! So I hear you're starting on the baseball team.

Me: Yeah, but there's only one problem-

Stretch Armstrong: Don't worry about it, buddy, the league knows you're too much of a puss to hit off of a real pitcher, so they made a rule that you get to throw the ball up to yourself.

Me: Awesome!

Stretch Armstrong: Woops, one moment. (Stretches his arm out the door and down the hall. Through the window you can see it snaking across the street.He brings his arm back, carrying a bag of Warheads.) I hope you like candy, because all the ovens in the cafeteria broke, and that's all you can eat here.

Me: Even for breakfast?

Stretch Armstrong: Get real, Steve, no one eats breakfast in college! Anyway, I hear that you can name all the presidents AND that you have your class record in Math Blasters.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/5/collegehumor.c167be55ac734f21a9c0bb059430c7f3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-10 16:36:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869">Steve E.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:437"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 382 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738688 The Way I Typically Imagine How Encounters with the Cute Waitress at My Local TGI Friday's Will Go Thu, 16 Aug 2007 17:56:59 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738688 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Appetizer
  • Order blooming onion with French dip.
  • Make hilarious comment to cute waitress about your anticipated bad breath.
  • Smirk sheepishly as cute waitress giggles at the self-deprecating humor of her new customer.

Drinks
  • Order 5 Bud Lights for yourself and friends.
  • Follow up with fantastic, "Now that we've got me out of the way, what will the rest of you be drinking?!" line.
  • Wait for universal laughter from friends; flirtatious, This guy likes to party glance from cute waitress.

Dinner
  • Order Pizza Burger (Deluxe).
  • Wait for cute waitress to finish taking orders; shout "Spank you very much!" in Ace Ventura voice.
  • Graciously accept compliments on your uncanny Jim Carrey impersonation from friends; slip Sam Adams coaster with cute waitress's phone number into pocket. (ALLLL RIGHTY THEN!)

Dessert
  • Order Reese's "Peanut Butter Cup Explosion Sunday" cake
  • When it arrives, smear dessert across face while shouting "Me like cakey! Me like cakey!"
  • Bask in uproarious, side-splitting laughter from friends while cute waitress discreetly rubs your erection through blue jeans.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-16 17:56:59 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 210 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />