CollegeHumor: Jesus Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788389 The First Evangelist Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788389 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Cave man or man of God? Depending on which one you ask, the other one doesn't exist.
Gog:  Good morning, Flock!  Have you heard the good news?

Flock:  What good news?

Gog:  About how we all came into existence.

Flock:  What do you mean?  I thought we all fell out of our mothers' crotch flaps.

Gog:  Well, that's true, but what about the first of us?

Flock:  I never thought about it, could they have fallen out of a monkey's crotch flap?

Gog:  No, Flock, don't be an idiot.  Let me tell you about the first two people ever.

Flock:  Maybe some other time, I really need to get back to smashing this rock with my club ---

Gog:  "The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and into his nostrils breathed life, and he became a living being."

Flock:  You expect me to believe a man was made out of dust and not from a crotch flap?  What was his woman made from, a mastodon turd?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-22 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773781 Happy Easter! Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773781 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/5/collegehumor.410f4f84538571c78218e93585c6a5bb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-10 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877">CH Staff</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769952 The Second Coming of Christ Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769952 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Jesus: Boy, it feels good to be back after all these years! I didn't think Dad would ever let me return after what happened last time, but hey, at least I can learn from my mistakes. Time to start spreading the good news! Excuse me, sir.
Businessman: Huh? Oh, hey, listen, I'm sorry, but I don't have any change on me.
Jesus: What? No, that's not it. I'm here to-
Businessman's Wife: Oh, at least give him something dear.
Businessman: Honey, he's just going to spend it on drugs.
Businessman's Wife: Come on...
Businessman: Alright, alright, fine. Here's a dollar, and for the love of God, just buy yourself some food.
(The two walk away quickly.)
Jesus: Hey, can you not use my dad's name in vain like that? Hello? Man, what was that all about? Oh well, I've turned the other cheek before. I guess I'll just try someone else. You there!
Homeless Man: Eh?
Jesus: You need not fear me, my brother. I am Jesus Christ, and I have returned to bring love and peace to all mankind! Will you join me in spreading the good news?
Homeless Man: Whoa man, you gotta back off.
Jesus: Well, actually, I'm only part man.
Homeless Man: This is my block, ok? I've been pulling the religious angle here for years, and I don't blame you for doing the same because, hey, it works. You start talking about Jesus and how he helped the poor and all that, people feel bad, they give you some cash. But you gotta do it somewhere else, alright? This is my territory.
Jesus: But...no, you don't understand, I really am Jesus Christ!
Homeless Man: Heh, yeah, me too. Only when the religious angle isn't working though. Then I switch to crazy. Now come on, get outta here.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1596776"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/3/collegehumor.d37a7ef9cdc4df6326f3e0333c14e777.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-06 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1596776">Eddie Small</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:300"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 33 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751496 Jesus Gets Arrested Wed, 19 Mar 2008 10:28:07 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751496 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:128053"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/e/collegehumor.e6ecc1ea45a24925c0772a0ee94f48a6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-19 10:28:07 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:128053">Doug Kellner</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:553"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 86 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743517 Jesus: Lazy Sunday Tue, 30 Oct 2007 14:14:42 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743517 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Jesus: Hey Dad. Can we talk?
God: Yeah, what's up kid?
Jesus: So I was talking to some of my buddies a couple days ago and I told them that you were my dad and they all laughed at me. I was wondering if there was something you could do.
God: Oh...well I have a lot on my plate right now. Lot's of stuff to do. Work, work, work.
Jesus: I understand.
God: Blitz! BLITZ! Get rid of the ball!
Jesus: Huh?
God: Nothing. Never mind. If you're asking me to kill your friends. Consider it done.
Jesus: No, that didn't work last year and I doubt it will work now. I just want some people to believe that what I am telling them is the truth.
God: Honestly, what's the big deal? If they don't believe, who cares? More heaven for us, right? You got to protect the sidelines, you idiot!
Jesus: Dad, are you busy?
God: No, it's fine, I just got a couple of guys over to watch the game. What were you saying?
Jesus: I don't know, I guess to be completely honest, I would really like it if you would come down tonight so I could introduce you to some of my friends.
God: But it's Sunday. The day of rest...
Jesus: Dad, I really could use your help.
God: Alright, fine. I'll come down later tonight, happy?
Jesus: Sober?
God: Soberish.
Jesus: Forget it.
God: Hear me out. How about on Monday morning I write something in the clouds like, "Jesus is telling the truth!" in big, bold letters. 12,102 font across the beautiful, blue sky.
Jesus: No, absolutely not. Just forget I ever asked. Oh yeah, Mom wanted me to tell you that she's not speaking to you any more until you take away Joseph's blindness.
God: What a pussy. I bet he cried to her about it. Fine. Tell her that I'll take it away first thing tomorrow. Anyways, if you're really against the sky writings, then my vote is back to killing your friends.
Jesus: Dad are you even listening to me? I'm going to go...
God: Blatant pass interference! Alright, see ya kid.

-------------------------------------
Previous Episodes:
Jesus: Joint Custody
Jesus: Daddy's Drunk Dial
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2146253"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.baby.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-10-30 14:14:42 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2146253">Mikey J</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 72 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741286 Jesus: Joint Custody Wed, 26 Sep 2007 00:58:26 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741286 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

*knocks*

Mary: Someone's at the door
Joseph: Don't worry babe, I got it.

*opens door*

Joseph: Oh, hey God.
God: What's up Joe, how you been?
Joseph: Good, busy, really busy. You?
God: You know how it is, just managing the after-life and trying to keep the world from crumbling. Can't complain.
Joseph: Yeah.
God: Well, is my boy around?
Joseph: I think so, I'd check the backyard.
God: Joe, I'm God, the boy's inside.
Joseph: Oh, weird, you're right. Jesus, your dad who left you here after impregnating mommy is her to take you for the weekend...

*As Joseph turns around to look at Jesus running to the door, God raises his smiting finger but is deterred by a look from Mary*

Joseph: Now Jesus, be careful and rememb...
Jesus: ...Bye dad, bye mom, love you!

*the two fly off in the sky, Joseph closes the door*
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2146253"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.baby.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-09-26 00:58:26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2146253">Mikey J</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 80 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725657 I. Am. So. Bored. Tue, 03 Apr 2007 15:58:35 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725657 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Man, they're gonna be so surprised.

[upload:1150617:small:left:The "increcible" view from my tomb]But for real, this cave is a major drag. It's freaking cold, too. I'm the Son of God, you think they'd at least get me a tomb with some southern exposure or something. I'm nipping like crazy in here. Maybe I'll come back a day early? NO. No, I gotta stick to the plan. Tomorrow. AHhhh, they're gonna freak when they see me! I bet Paul sh*ts his pants.

I need a haircut. How many more hours do I have to stay in here? 12?! This sucks.

Ugh, what is that? WHAT IS THAT?! Oh for f*cks sake, now the cave has mice. Awesome. I couldn't be happier. What's next, snakes? Wouldn't that be perfect? Snakes? It smells nasty in here, too. Like - it's not a bad smell, per se, but not a great one either. It's like wet sand or something? Rice, maybe? I can't put my finger on it.

Who was that guy from that place? Who was that? The cemetery guy? Ugh, this is going to bug me all day.

Why did they stab me? I mean, you'd think they would have had enough after they NAILED ME TO A CROSS! It's like, "How many holes have we put in your body today? 3?" Apparently that's not enough for Stabsters McGee. I mean, I love that man because, ya know, I love everyone, but enough is enough. AWW, GROSS, I can put my fingers in the hole. SICK!

I think I'm starting to get a headache. Yeah, I totally am. Crap.

What else, what else... I haven't eaten in a while. I'm thinking I'll try to find some berries or someth...LAZARUS! YES! That was that guy's name. Lazarus. He was the dead guy. Awesome. I'm so happy I remembered that. It was driving me crazy. Oh man, such. A. Relief.

Yo, how much time left? Seriously? 11 hours and 58 minutes? Sh*t.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:705727"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/8/collegehumor.32ba4ddb46e95c62b0985fd8ffa8dc4b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:705727">Jesus Christ</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 96 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737563 Christ's Sake Wed, 01 Aug 2007 16:35:05 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737563 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Very special thanks to this guy for his sweet artistic skills.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:5216"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/4/collegehumor.4b37db78f00a9f945b46597431b16a5a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:5216">Katie</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:73"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 110 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751987 The Family Business Fri, 28 Mar 2008 12:57:09 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751987 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Art by Intern Paul
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />