CollegeHumor: Kissing Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736745 Kiss Rape! Sun, 22 Jul 2007 22:03:54 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736745 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Mmm, baby, how you doing? I seen you lookin' fine all night, girl. Yeah, you, in your faded purple tube top and ca. 1998 hip-hugger jeans. Bet you haven’t been able to fit into those since 10th grade, huh, baby? That’s hot, girl. You’re hot. Aw, look at you blush. So bashful. So demure. You’re the kind of girl I could take home to my great-great grandmother, if she were still alive. But she isn’t. Too bad. She was a very talented botanist. 

Yeah, I seen the way you were looking at me, girl. All the way over here, from across the group of kids playing flip cup. I seen the way you were eyeing my sensuous lips. You like them lips, huh, baby? What’s that? You’re out of Bacardi Limon and Diet Caffeine-free Coke? Let me get you another one, girl. No, please. Allow me. Make sure it’s caffeine-free? You don’t want to be awake all night? Alright, girl. I can dig that.

So, honey, what’s your major? Poli-sci with a minor in womens’ studies, huh? You don’t see a lot of that here at Bard. You’re an individual. I can tell by your unshaved armpits. No, babydoll, I think the hair is sexy. It lets me know what color your other hair probably is. …On your scalp, I mean. Your natural hair color.

Hey, dudes, check it. She’s passed out on the couch. Help me take her upstairs to my bed, where she’ll be more comfortable. No, assholes, I don’t want to do anything to her. I just want to make sure she sleeps comfortably. I would hate for a luscious lady such as she to awaken in the A.M. with a cramp in her lovely neck. Okay, fine. You can watch. But don’t videotape it.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-22 22:03:54 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728983 My Train of Thought Before, During, and After A First Kiss Fri, 27 Apr 2007 17:23:14 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728983 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Get yourself together! You’re Cruise, you’re Pitt… no, you’re Swayze. You’re “Ghost”-era Swayze, and she is your pre-Ashton Demi. Like them, what you need right now is the Hand-on-Hand. A gentle Hand-on-Hand will be your romantic traffic light. If she accepts, it’s green, and you go. If she accepts tentatively, it’s yellow, and you go. What would Swayze say if he were here? He’d say “The red bulb is broken, baby,” and then he would play a guitar solo on a moving motorcycle. Let’s do this.

You’re Hand-on-Hand, but oh man, your palms, your palms! She probably thinks you just crawled through a vat of diced honeydew. No, that’s ridiculous, why would she possibly assume that you were hello, she’s moving her thumb back and forth! This is monumental. This is the moon landing, this is the fall of the Berlin Wall, this is a Hall & Oates reunion tour. Now, focus. Distract her by pointing to an “owl” so you can get out your Certs and eat one, fast. You don’t need a lot of Certs – just one singular Cert will do.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-27 17:23:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 204 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />