Bloody Fun
Where: England
When: 17th Century
Way back in Jolly Olde England, drinking and drunkenness was heavily linked to swearing your political allegiance. Much in the way, you’d hug your friends totally wasted and say, “I f*cking love you, man,” “Roaring Royalists” used to one-up their friends in declaring allegiance to the king by putting their asses on the line. Literally. After singing drunken ballads to His Highness and the church, festivities would often escalate to playing a “game” where everyone who was loyal enough would slice off a piece of their rump, and then toast their own blood (instead of wine) to the monarchy. As you can imagine, the game went horribly wrong on a fairly regular basis, seeing how drunks wielding knives and performing elective surgery on themselves isn’t the smartest idea.� The ultimate bar scar.

We all know Slick Willy got his D wet, but what about the thousands of other presidents this country has had?� Turns out a bunch of them liked to have sex with people other than their wives, too.� Who knew?!

A-Hammy - Though he never was president, Hamilton's adventures deserve a mention here because, honestly, that dude was stone pimpin' long before our culture decided to drop the 'g' from the 'ing' suffix to give it more street cred.� While he was Secretary of the Treasury, Hamilton decided to "console" a sad woman named Maria Reynolds.� Though she was married, Hamilton continued to "console" her with his special brand of 7 1/2-inch-sympathy for a long time.� Eventually, her husband got sick of all the good Hamilton was doing and decided to do something about it.� No, he didn't shoot Hamilton (that would be a little later) instead he blackmailed him for $1,000.� I know what you're thinking: "Big deal, I spent that much at Senor Frogs last week."� True, you did and it was worth it, but back then $1,000 was a third of his salary.� On the bright side, the blackmailer and the blackmailee worked out a deal where Hamilton could continue to "console" Ms. Reyonlds for additional payments.� What a deal!

Match the athlete to their substance!

1200 (B.C.): Cannabis has been around for a while, but the 1200’s marks the first time it’s mentioned in religious Hindu texts. Dubbed one of five sacred plants, it’s consumed in religious ceremonies worshipping the god Shiva. Shiva, of course, is the God of Just Chilling.

1600’s (A.D.): Farmers are encouraged to grow hemp in burgeoning American colonies for rope, sails and clothing. Hemp is even accepted as legal tender in Pennsylvania, Maryland and Virginia.  George Washington supposedly grew the sticky weed  at his plantation, which would explain all the camo netting and growing lamps I saw when I visited Mount Vernon last year. 

Egyptian birth control was really sh*tty.  Since no one had the pill in ancient Egypt, women packed crocodile dung into their “all seeing eye.” If for some reason that didn’t work, and a woman suspected that she was pregnant there were numerous fail-safe Egyptian home pregnancy tests. For instance, she could insert an onion into her vagina—and if her breath smelled onion-y? Well, looks like someone's boyfriend will be picking up extra shifts at the slave whipping site!

The Romans on the other hand, had their own tricks. Initially they used silfium, an herbal contraceptive that became so popular in Rome it became extinct. When that dried up, they were left with the only intelligent alternative: squatting and sneezing post-sexum, the sight of which must have been as funny, if not funnier, as someone stuffing crocodile poop into her vagina.