Thank you very much for your letters. The Discovery Channel welcomes all types of feedback from its dedicated fans and seriously considers all recommendations. However, at this time we are unfortunately not able to honour your numerous requests and will not be expanding our famous Shark Week.

While the prospects of "Shark Month" and "Shark Semester" are enticing, we still feel that well-rounded and informative programming is more conducive to our mission. Your subsequent request of a "Shark Fortnight" was an improvement, but we're still confident that one week out of the year devoted entirely to sharks is enough.

My name is Christopher Rifkin, chairman of Jamaica's Tourism Board. We'd first like to congratulate you on your recent successes, as well as thank you for raising awareness worldwide of the beautiful paradise that is Jamaica! However, we must make one small request as it pertains to the song "Take You There", as we feel you did not live up to the agreement we had put in place when you were commissioned to "write a song about a wonderful Jamaican vacation" (note: we even gave you a rhyme to use, we were very disappointed when that was left out of the final version).

We are more than happy with your characterization of Jamaica as the home to white sand beaches where you're encouraged to live without a care and spend your days "sipping Piña Coladas", as it were. The part of your song that we take most umbrage with is the second half of the chorus- "take you to the slums/where killers get hung". Firstly, it's not even grammatically accurate- how embarrassing! As if that's not reason enough to change it, we at the Tourism Board, feel as though it's just plain mean! So we have taken the opportunity to write a few alternate lines we would encourage you to simply switch with the current, more disparaging remarks about this wonderful tropical paradise:

• We can lay in the sun, where families have fun!
  
• We can beat on a drum, and love everyone!
  
• We can visit the beautiful island of Jamaica, and have a really great time!

Dear Michael,

What's up? Things are good here - just school work and such. So you probably don't know who I am (unless you happened to know me through like three friends or something, which would be really CRAZY since I didn't think you knew me but you did - that would be SO funny, which would be cool since I know you like comedy HAHA...up top! *high fives*), but I just saw Superbad for the like gajillionth time and I feel like we would be really good friends. :-D

I bet I know what you're thinking!!! This kid's name sounds familiar! That's probably because I poked you on facebook 10-12 times last Tuesday. I attached a photo to jog your memory (Jog - get it? Just like your character in Juno HAHA. I knew you'd get it. You seem really nice in that movie.). I just wanted to let you know that you didn't poke me back. I figured you probably thought I wassome crazy FREAK fan or something, so I'm glad that I can clarify that I certainly am NOT! Whew!

Skin,

How goes our plan? Has the groundwork been laid? May I proceed with the plot? I await your word to begin the process.

- Sun

June 22nd, 2007

Sun,

Try as I might I have not been able to produce the mood in our target which is crucial to the success of this undertaking. I remain white, clammy and almost translucent, but he has yet to notice or care about my state. I will keep you abreast of my progress but it may be prudent to table our plan till a later date. Yours in conspiracy,

- Skin

June 25th, 2007

Skin,

I tire of playing this cat and mouse game with our target. To maintain this level of heat is taxing and I fear I will burn out before the mark is drawn into the trap. I have contacted Weather and he has agreed to blow in clouds and rain for the next week. Stay strong and fortuitous, for when the clouds pass we will spring our trap!

- Sun

June 27th, 2007

Sun,

Rejoice! While at work the other day, our target found himself the victim of a vicious joke. “You are so white!” one of his darker co-workers exclaimed at the site of my color. He then defended my color, saying that being in your presence made him hot and uncomfortable. Would Weather be able to produce some sort of magic by which the target would feel cool but still be exposed? Please advise.

- Skin

Letters between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr were recently discovered.

I have been silent for too long. I thought Dad would eventually tell you, but I see now that he is engulfed by his addiction and will never admit it to you. So I must. Mom, Dad likes Steven Segal movies. I just do not understand it. You two watch such great movies together. Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, Remember the Titans, even Speed- you both seemed to enjoy them so much. His taste in movies seems so pure, wholesome- but beneath his Ebert-esque discernment lies an insatiable thirst for more. More action, ponytails, roundhouse kicks, environmental terrorists, and thirty second stare-downs. When you and the girls went to this year’s Mother/Daughter Retreat of Love and Celibacy, Dad went to Blockbuster. He thought I was asleep, but I sneaked down to the living room and found that he had rented On Deadly Ground AND Fire Down Below. He had watched both! Back to back! Sick bastard! I felt dizzy, nauseous but somehow made it back to my room. I locked my door and slid to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably- how could he do this to you, Mom? This is the man that took me to see Saving Private Ryan, told me to avoid any movie with Tom Selleck in a standalone leading role, for God’s sake he was by my side as I struggled to grasp the intricacies of The Godfather! How can he enjoy Segal’s overacting and irrational fight choreography? The man is visibly overweight! How can Dad believe that he has the stamina to fight four eco-villains at once?