CollegeHumor: Life Imitates Art Articles This Month

CollegeHumor: Life Imitates Art Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730380 Re-Enacting "Garfield" With My Cat, Episode 2 Thu, 10 May 2007 13:47:33 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730380 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> see it here) in an effort to discover if there was some hidden comedy gold that I was missing. There was not. Now I am many things, but I am not a quitter. Take this strip, for instance:

Today, I will be interpreting the above strip with the help of my cat, Luke.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-10 13:47:33 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 278 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725664 The Man From Nantucket Has Had It Up To Here Tue, 03 Apr 2007 16:39:17 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725664 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> life we’re talking about. And I’ve had enough with the rumors. No. You know what, this is more than that. This is SLANDER.

Okay, yes. Yes, I have monstrous genitalia. And yes, it is so long that if I wanted to – IF I wanted to – I could place it in my mouth. But it is a GROSS misinterpretation of the facts to imply that I do this on a regular basis, not to mention the absurd assumption that if my ear had the characteristics of the female sex organ, I would want to “f*ck it.” Can you imagine the speech I had to listen to when my mother first got wind of this? She talked my ear off. No, not the one I want to f-… Just shut up for a second and let me vent.

Another thing: I have a medical condition, and as such I have custom-made undergarments that provide extra support to my gargantuan, engorged testicles. I do NOT – nor have I ever – carried my balls in a bucket. That would be ridiculous. Think about it. From a purely logistical standpoint, it makes little to no sense.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-03 16:39:17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721631 Your Textbooks Rewritten As Erotic Novels Fri, 02 Mar 2007 16:53:41 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721631 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

AMERICAN HISTORY: In 1864, General Sherman marched to the sea, his rifle throbbing and erect. His man-sweat smelling of gunpowder and lust, he penetrated the South… deeper… deeper still. “Scorch my earth,” moaned the South. Sherman’s loins quivered as he killed field after field of luscious, moist livestock, his body shaking with the unspeakable pleasure of destroying the civilian infrastructure.

STATISTICS: That night, Brandon went down on Juliette N times. He let N_H be the number of times she climaxed, realizing that he could, for any N, consider the ratio N_H/N. As N grew larger and larger, faster and faster, Brandon was able to "define" the probability Pr(H) as Juliette’s sexual “limit.” As N approached infinity in the equation Pr(H) = limN --> ∞ (N_H/N), Juliette's loins melted into his like the wax of a century-lost love candle.

BIOLOGY: Slowly, Charles began to engage in the wild, passionate dance of digestion. He placed the burger in his mouth, masticating, masticating, faster now, his teeth tearing and crushing, his stomach churning with waves of pleasure. Various chemicals (acid, bile, enzymes and water) caressed the complex molecules, their firm yet tender touch reducing them to simple structures blind with desire. His nutrients moaned, submissive slaves to osmosis. Finally, in a volcanic release that shook his naked body, Charles defecated.

PHILOSOPHY: Nietzsche thrusted deeper and deeper between the supple legs of Simone de Beauvoir, yelling “Who’s your ubermensch?” Simone lost herself in the heavenly unison of their eager bodies, moaning “Oh, God… oh, God!” as, despite her post-feminist ideology, she made herself flesh under the dominance of the Other’s gaze. “God is DEAD!” screamed Nietzsche, his fingernails digging into her existentialist buttocks as they reached the disillusioning and wholly temporary ecstasy of orgasm. Nietzsche rolled over and lit up a cigarette. “Thus poked Zarathustra,” he said.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-02 16:53:41 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 106 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1717171 Maybe "Garfield" Will Be Funny If I Re-Enact It With My Cat Tue, 30 Jan 2007 11:54:09 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1717171 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

...Nope!

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-30 11:54:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707979 The "Romeo & Juliet" Balcony Scene, Re-Enacted By Contemporary College Students Fri, 08 Dec 2006 14:12:29 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707979 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> (Romeo approaches Juliet’s sorority house balcony and gazes upward.)

Romeo: What’s with all the light breaking through that window, hasn’t this broad heard of blinds? Man, take a look at those legs. I wish I was an Ugg boot upon that foot, so I could be near those legs.

Juliet: What up?

Romeo: Whoa, hey. I was just –

Juliet: Why are you on my lawn?

Romeo: Listen, you’re definitely one of the hottest girls in Flugel’s psych class, or whatever. I’m Romeo.

Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, what kind of a name is Romeo? Why don’t you change it to something less awkward, like “Blake.” I know a couple of cool “Blake”s.

Romeo: (aside) What’s with this bitch?

Juliet: What’s in a name, anyway? You can call Justin Timberlake’s latest album “Potato Salad” if you want – it’ll still get a party bumpin’.

Romeo: I don’t understand why you’d want to call his album “Potato Salad.”

Juliet: That’s not the point, Blake.

Romeo: My name is still Romeo.

Juliet: Exactly.

Romeo: You know what, I’m just gonna go watch SportsCenter.

Juliet: No wait, hold up. How do I know you?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-12-08 14:12:29 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 87 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />