CollegeHumor: Moments Before Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759082 ... My First Shot Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:13:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759082 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I did it. I finally did it. I graduated summa cum laude from one of the most sought after collegiate institutions in the country. I've finished at the top of my class and have rightfully earned my place among the finanicial titans at Morgan Stanley starting August 1st. I did it. I really really did it! !slice

While everyone was dilly-dallying, drinking their 40 ounces of malt liquor and playing whatever RPG game these kids play these days, I was busting my butt studying in the library until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't spend countless nights intoxicating my mind and body like so many of my inferior peers. No sir. I was the President of the Young Republicans Society and Treasurer of my class every semester for 4 years, not to mention the manager of the Men's Swim Team for two consecutive seasons. Few can boast such accomplishments in a mere 4 years.

I didn't waste my time going to the gym working out insignificant muscles. I didn't burn hours socializing on nights and weekends nor did I waste time by seeking a significant other to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with. So what if I didn't "find love" or "make lifelong friends" and "have the time of my life".

So here I sit at the crossroads of my life with the future at my fingertips. I've worked hard to get where I am today so the Young Republicans Society, in their infinite wisdom, was generous enough to commemorate me with this finely aged bottle of Virginia Lightning Corn Whiskey, which I will now toast to myself in a celebratory manner within the confines of my dorm room.

To success!

**Drinks shot**
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/9/collegehumor.45397a4c6c8241522ef776b95348cf0f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-15 15:13:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326">Jeff Rosenberg</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 42 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1757946 ... Best Birthday Wishes Tue, 24 Jun 2008 15:18:06 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1757946 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Cheryl: I can't thank you all enough for coming out to our lil' Rebecca's second birthday, especially after all the turmoil and chaos of Gary and I separating. *Tearing up* I know, I know today is a day for celebration so let's start th --

Gary enters and SLAMS the door shut behind him, sweating profusely with the musk of a man who's had a few too many after-work shots with the boys.

Gary: (slurring) Where's MY little girl?

Cheryl: Jesus Gary, not now! You can't just barge into my house anymore.

Gary: Your house? That's funny! YOUR house? MY HOUSE saddlebags! And Becca's MY girl too so I have every right to be here for her birthday.

Cheryl: Let's just try and be civil for once. Please.

Gary: Is this chump in the black and white camo your new boy toy? Your new pet holding my goddamn daughter as she wears the pink outfit I bought for her! How many times did you ride him on my La-Z-Boy, Cheryl? How many times?!?

Cheryl: You're drunk Gary. Seek help.

Gary: Just answer me one question. Does he f*ck you as softly as I do?

Cheryl: That's your brother Richard, he's here for the birthday party Gary.

Gary: Jesus you really are a dirty slut. Well I have a present for YOU Cheryl.
*Motions towards door* Come in Candi, the party's just getting started.

*Candi enters causing everyone to shift uncomfortably in their seats*

Cheryl: She looks like a prostitute.
 
Gary: Wrong again Cheryl! She's a hooker. Now who wants to do a shot? I'm going to do a shot. Shots?

*Richard goes to stand up*

Cheryl: Sit down Richard. We're about to sing Happy Birthday to Becca. We'd all appreciate it if the both of you just left.

Gary: Then two shots for my baby girl on her birthday it is! Turn around Candi.

*Gary grabs her from behind, bends her over and pours a nip of vodka onto the small of her back*
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/9/collegehumor.45397a4c6c8241522ef776b95348cf0f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-06-24 15:18:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326">Jeff Rosenberg</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 51 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755674 Moments Before: ... Hard Core Trucking Thu, 22 May 2008 15:49:59 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755674 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ben and Sandree and making out in a truck. Necking turns into heavy petting, clothes are coming off. They are ready to intercourse one another.

Ben: God I wanna sleep with you for a year.

Sandree: Mmm... You smell like trout.

Ben: Baby, wait. I want our first time to be special.

Sandree: Shh...

Ben: Don't "Shh" me. I'm serious. Look at us. We're in a truck in the middle of nowhere. This isn't how I imagined it.

Sandree: But look outside, it's so snowy! You love snow don't you?

Ben: Obviously. Look at me.

Sandree: Okay. So let's steam up car and melt the ice off of the windshield... like in Titanic.

Ben: I don't watch movies. Why did we have to drive out to nowhere to make animal love to each other?

Sandree: Shut up and rape me.

Ben: No. Stop. Come on. I'm serious.

(A red truck drives up and parks next to the car)
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-22 15:49:59 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 150 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754588 Moments Before: ...German Cheers Mon, 05 May 2008 13:41:41 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754588 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Guy: 14 hours of travel later... here we are... Germany.

Girl: The country of love...

Waiter: HIER IST SEINE FLASCHEN!!!

Girl: OH MY GOD!!!

Guy: Let me check my book. Okay, according to this, he's whispering "Here are your beers."

Girl: Oh. Thank You!!!

Guy: Now we are supposed to clink our glasses together as hard as humanly possible and yell, "PROUST!"

Girl: Oh. Haha, Okay, be careful though, I can't get any beer on my black turtleneck.

They clink their mugs together

Girl: WATCH OUT! A droplette of beer almost landed near me!

Guy: Harder.

Girl: No.

They clink mugs again.

Girl: Okay, I definitely felt some beer land on my black turtleneck!

Guy: Harder. Now.

Girl: NO! This is my only black turtleneck. Our luggage was lost, remember?

Guy: When in Rome!

Girl: We were just IN Rome. We left because you hated it, remember?!

Guy: JETZT!!!!

They bang their mugs again. Beer spills over a little.

Girl: I WANNA GO HOME!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-05 13:41:41 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 96 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753683 ...Magical Prom Night Wed, 23 Apr 2008 13:14:41 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753683 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Tonight is the night I prove everybody wrong. Little Walter Wivlak's all grown up.

"Hey Walter," they yelled, "What's the matter homo, can't get a date to the prom?"HA! Time to prove you wrong Mr. Parsons. Mr. World's meanest math teacher ever!

I worked my ass off for this night... raising money the old fashioned way -- playing World of Warcraft until I earned a Stealhawk Crossbow then selling that for $600 on a fantasy message board. Spent that money on a Russian lesbian mail-order prom-date/wife.

I even spent $140 of MY OWN MOM'S MONEY buying her a blue lace bikini/skirt get up so that she can attract maximum attention to her hot bod and ultimately me.

When she asked for another $280 to bring her sister over to the states, I thought she was just taking advantage of me. But after a few written guarantees that it was indeed her sister and not just her lesbian girlfriend, and a quick eBay sale (Good bye bed!) things were as right as rain again. Hell I'll sleep on the floor for the rest of my life to have this girl all to myself for just one night.

Just one night...

Walter arrives, grabs the flowers and starts running.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-23 13:14:41 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 437 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753076 Moments Before... First Family Photo Mon, 14 Apr 2008 11:00:26 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753076 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> "Moments Before..." is a column that examines the exact events that lead up to a specific CollegeHumor picture. None of the dialogue below is conjecture -- they are all based on facts and interviews. For maximum hilarity reveal the picture by clicking on the link after reading the article.

Photographer: All right, shall we get started? Let's see two big smiles!

Man: Wait!

Photographer: Of course. I'm sorry. When you're ready.

Woman: You should take off your shirt, baby.

Photographer: He should?

Man: I ­mean, I didn't get this tattoo of a squashed bug on my shoulder so that it would be hidden during our photos.

Photographer: Right. Sorry. Ready now?

Man: Not even close. Baby, take off your shirt too.

Woman: You think so?

Photographer: Probably n--

Man: I've never been so sure about anything, ever.

Woman: I love you so hard.

Photographer: All right. You're both topless now.

Man: Pretty awesome, right?

Photographer: ...and she's pregnant. She's definitely pregnant.

Woman: Yes.

Photographer: So, sir, let me get this straight. You came into Wal-Mart to take a topless photo of you both, and your... wife is it?

Man: What DON'T you get?
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-14 11:00:26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 418 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />