CollegeHumor: Monologues Articles This Month

CollegeHumor: Monologues Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772049 The Honest Older Guy on Your Spring Break Trip Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772049 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Because popping a fifth collar would be overkill.

Hey, baby! How are you? Good, good, I don't care, good. I only asked because it's easier to see you naked if I seem interested in your thoughts, which are probably about how I have a six pack. Did you notice my six pack?

Where do you go to school? Oh my god! I totally visited there except I didn't! But you don't know that. Hey, what's that bar right by campus that you will say the name of and I'll pretend I knew the name of? Yeah, that one! Do they still have that hot bartender? And they serve that one really cool drink? Don't we seem like friends now? We could totally be friends, if you knew anything true about me and I wasn't a terrible person. Did I show you my six pack?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:225"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/6/collegehumor.ad937b4f074bca543727e036e28b33e7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-13 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:225">Steve Hofstetter</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:53"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 93 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772026 Please Let Me Watch Your Kids Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772026 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Please let me watch your kids. I need the work. I have no more money. My...my wife left me. She took everything. T.V., stereo, Nordic track, all the food... I've got nothing. I am begging you. Please let me watch your kids.

Oh God... I have nothing left. I'll be great. I'll tuck 'em in and read 'em stories. We'll have so much fun. We'll be crying from all the fun. We'll be crying and laughing and nothing else will matter anymore. Please. I was a business man. I had a house, a family... I just need this. I need to watch your kids. You can pay me anything. I'll work for free. Just to be in a warm house. That's all I need.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1949166"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/c/collegehumor.cef330f8355672fd6f457fbcacdfac2b.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-16 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1949166">Daniel Magy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1126"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764540 Gawd, Everyone In This Computer Lab Is A Loser Thu, 06 Nov 2008 18:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764540 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

ughhhhh

Dude, this is the lamest computer lab in the history of computer labs. I can't believe I'm actually in the same room as these losers.

I mean, check out Mr. "Grade-A douche" to the right to me. Is this guy serious? I bet if I poured steaming hot coffee on his keyboard, then on his face, nobody would care. Actually, they might care about the keyboard. You know what? I won't pour coffee on the keyboard, but definitely table the face idea for later.

And look at "Little Miss Paper-Writer" a few computers down. 5 bucks says she gets an F. And if not... look at Smartypants McGee, getting good grades, like it's hard.

Hey, nice clothes, "Guy walking to the printer." Great polo shirt. You off to a polo match or something? Probably not. I'm wearing my polo shirt so much better than you right now, it's not even funny. Call me sometime, I'll give you lessons on how to rock a polo. Wait, don't ever call me, I don't talk to fags. Actually, those jeans aren't bad.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/8/collegehumor.06098b8bb7a6234c386249d817f7bddb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-06 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072">Conor McKeon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:529"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 32 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760794 Holy Cow, Am I In Deep With The Missus Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:04:37 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760794 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Wow, I am just in a whole world of hurt right now on the homestead.

Yes, I definitely faked my own death to score a big promotion- insensitive at worst, I would say. I certainly didn't hear any complaining when the new range and KitchenAid dishwasher got delivered, that's for sure. True, I also selected my son as my "most def fave" family member when threatened by the former District Attorney. Does any of this mean I deserve a few nights on the couch? I would say no.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1726288"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/6/collegehumor.ea21988bcb991b3303fa1cf6a93e5e54.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-19 10:04:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1726288">Commissioner Gordon</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 15 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760592 I am Going to Count to Three Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:40:12 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760592 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> You have 'til the count of three to come down from that coffee table, mister. What happens at three is a mystery to you. I could spank you, I suppose. Three swift smacks to the bottom, you run crying to your room, and ten minutes later you've forgotten everything that happened. Feel lucky if you are spanked. You won't get spanked, though. Perhaps something telekinetic happens at three. Do you know that word, telekinetic? It means that Santa might find out you've been bad and you'll receive inferior toys for Christmas. Orphanage toys. You know, board games that involve spelling, things carved out of wood, yo-yo's. No Nintendo Wii after three, one might say.

Now consider this: What if someone you love is directly affected by your actions? Imagine standing on the coffee table, then, without warning, Snuffleupagus decides to sit on Big Bird's head. His cranium collapses and confetti flies everywhere, because puppets have confetti instead of brains. Wouldn't that be a shame? Kevy Wevy is too stubborn to come down from the table and, well, bye bye birdie. Gordon will be crying, Grover will be crying, Telly will be crying. Guy Smiley will choke back tears while delivering the report on their preposterous puppet news show. All will be sad. Will people want to be your friend when you go back to school on Monday? Hardly. Where will your little mutinous spirit be when you have to play with the leg brace kid at recess?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/5/collegehumor.c167be55ac734f21a9c0bb059430c7f3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-14 14:40:12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869">Steve E.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:437"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758776 The Hole in This Capri Sun Is Exasperatingly Complex to Penetrate Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:49:05 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758776 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

by Morgan Freeman

Oh. Hello there, sonny. Would you mind quickly assisting me with a glaring issue of mine? Much obliged. You would never believe how eager I currently am to have run into an individual such as yourself: an individual who may just happen to be able to be of some assistance to this particular dilemma of mine. It seems, my boy, that the hole in this Capri Sun is exasperatingly complex to penetrate.

You see... I have dealt more than several hours with attempts to release this refreshing liquid into my body. But as you can so clearly observe, this fruit drink has infuriatingly halted itself to no end.

In fact, the roof of my mouth, in its extreme state of desiccation, is dreadfully crying out for just the slimmest drop of quenching tropical fruit juice. Due to the faulty perforated hole that is normally to be pierced by the individually wrapped straw, all 6.75 fluid ounces of my liquid replenishment will remain in its default container.

Just ever so slightly out of reach.

Does every great quenching snack have its obstacles? Surely. If this here beverage weren't so delightful, it would not be worth the trouble that it is. All wise men know these 70 calories of strawberry kiwi flavor do not come without a little work, a bit of exertion.

Could I cheat and thrust the straw through the bottom of the container? I suppose that technically I could. That would mean two things: I took the ways of a weak man to solve my problem. Also, I wouldn't be able to set the drink down until I have completely finished it.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:311"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/2/collegehumor.9457d5b2b882a218aa7f8ff222c62b4b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-09 12:49:05 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:311">Jake Klocksien</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:265"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 110 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758699 Camp Counselor Buddy Jones Gives a Pep Talk Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:16:20 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758699 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Gather 'round, kiddos! We've got a choice for afternoon activity. Softball with Pete or Arts and Crafts with Bianca. If you want softball, raise your hand. Hands down. Arts and Crafts, raise your hand. Anyone? Well, okay, don't cheer yet. That was a preliminary vote to see where everyone stands on the issue.

Now, we've got all of Rest Hour to make this decision. As your counselor, your friend and your mentor, I urge you to reconsider. Softball is fine for the brutes over in Cabin 9, but Arts and Crafts is a far more suitable, even noble, pastime for young men such as yourselves. Especially under Bianca's tutelage! She's so talented, and considerate...Gentle. Pretty. Like a delicate daffodil swaying in the breeze.

You know, if you guys would have a little more respect for Arts and Crafts, people might take us more seriously as a cabin. Remember that first day of camp when you were working on macaroni necklaces? I leaned over to Bianca and whispered seductively in her ear that I'd like to give her a pearl necklace. Playful yet sensual. The perfect opening line. But she turned her head away from the table so she wouldn't have to look at your pathetic excuses for macaroni-based artwork! Yes, yours too, Evan. Don't think because you ate most of your macaroni pieces that you're off the hook. What, were those 4 hot dogs you had at lunch not enough for you, little piggy? Huh?

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-08 13:16:20 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 30 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751091 Back From Break Tue, 11 Mar 2008 17:14:15 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751091 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

What? Mexico? Nah, bro, everyone goes there. Florida? Please! I was going there when I was like 8, that place is totally dead now. Oh, I just, y'know, kicked it right here in Jersey, man. No, I went home. Yeah, Rutherford. WHAT? NO WAY, MAN, BREAK RULED!

I lived with these two friends of mine that I've lived with before, I just crashed at their place. It was really cool because they paid for everything and didn't even ask me to throw in for food or anything! Totally boss. Yeah, they had a pool, too, but theirs is covered up right now. For... repairs... cause we did so much partying in it last summer, BOY! YEAH!

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8131"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/b/collegehumor.1227666bde5ffee443178ceb5e3a762f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-11 17:14:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8131">Sean Curry</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:219"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 57 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750032 Son, we found your pot and we're very disappointed. Also, we need the number for your dealer. Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:12:12 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750032 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Jim? Jim! James Winningham get in here right now! Oh I'll tell you what the big deal is young man. Sit down.

Earlier today, your mother was cleaning in your room and she found...well, just show him, Emily. Yep. You know what that is? Of course you do, because it's marijuana. Oh yeah, you're definitely in trouble. Call that girlfriend of yours, Ilana, and tell her you can't make it to her makeout party tonight, because you are grounded. We are going to get on your ass, young man. I want your schedules for classes, homework, tests, and sports because you'll be doing nothing but studying and chores until this summer. And we're going to need your dealer's number as well.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1283081"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/7/collegehumor.a5ea83407b0a56bc5c341d9735518650.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-19 15:12:12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1283081">JohnnyNutty</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1748696 Richie Rich Grows Up Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:46:21 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1748696 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Hello Mom and Dad,

It's me, your "Poor Little Rich Boy." Well, I'm not so little any more. But I am still rich. I'm 30 years old sitting on a 10-figure trust fund just itching to be spent. And guess what: I do what I want, when I want. Just like I always said I would.

No parents. No rules. No consequences. $50 billion buys a lot of freedom, Dad. The kind of freedom I never knew in that Nazi regime you called a mansion. I've been living off a diet of cookie dough and Ring Pops for the last two months, and I've never felt more alive.

Sure, 80 percent of my teeth have rotted to the nerve, but who cares? It's not like I'm going to the dentist ever again. Or the doctor. In fact, I've bought the First Presbyterian Hospital and next week I'm blowing that needle-filled hell hole to the ground.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-24 18:46:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 172 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1745412 20 Years 3 Months Thu, 29 Nov 2007 16:51:16 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1745412 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

What do you mean you won't let me in? Are you being serious? Is this a joke? Where's the hidden camera? Of course I'm 21, why else would I try to get into this bar showing my real I.D.?

Well no, I don't think YOU understand. 9 months until I'm 21 and I can come back? I don't think we're on the same page here, brother. It's okay, I had a black friend in high school. Do you really think I'd try and pull a fast one on you? I know you look like half a retard but I'm pretty sure you can do your job.

The thing is I was in the womb for 9 months, so technically, I am 21. And I don't think even you could argue with this reasoning. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? So you're for abortions? Against? Ok, then you're pro-life, not pro-choice, you had them mixed up I think.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/9/collegehumor.45397a4c6c8241522ef776b95348cf0f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-29 16:51:16 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326">Jeff Rosenberg</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 49 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741070 The Honest Intro to Psychology Professor Sat, 22 Sep 2007 14:33:07 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741070 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

I’m glad you were able to make it to my office hours. It’s been a few weeks since classes started, and I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I’m just not impressed by your knowledge base. I expect you to know everything in this course before you do any reading, despite you never having studied psychology before. I know everything about it, why can’t you? As I sit there at home in my 50+ chat room, the thought of how little you know disturbs me. Almost as much as the thought that I spend my nights in a 50+ chat room. Oh, I’m so alone.

You’re really sliding. That first day of classes, you did so well. When I read the syllabus aloud and you followed along, I really thought, “this kid is going to be something.” And you wrote down your name and contact information on an index card just like I asked! I even told my friend Oliver all about how bright you are. Oliver didn’t say much, but he listened and nodded his head in agreement. Oliver is my cat.

How can you not already know about classical conditioning? Haven’t you ever seen Clockwork Orange? I’ve watched it often. I can’t watch it anymore because it scares Oliver. But it’s a good movie. You should see it sometime.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:225"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/6/collegehumor.ad937b4f074bca543727e036e28b33e7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-09-22 14:33:07 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:225">Steve Hofstetter</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:53"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 34 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737256 Warning Signs Sun, 29 Jul 2007 16:46:26 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737256 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

OK, let’s see here, Mr. Billings, right? Great. Well, I took a look over your application and I have to say it looks fantastic. As you know, we have pretty strict hiring standards here at Brist County Bank and Trust and I’m happy to say your credentials more than qualify you to be a teller here. So, do you have any questions?

Air conditioning? Why yes, yes of course we have air conditioning. Central air, in fact. Where does it come from? I believe it is cooled outside in a big unit and then pumped through vents in the ceiling to the banks many rooms. Yes, I agree, it was a good investment. Anything else?

The vents themselves? I believe they are made of aluminum or some similar metal. I got a quick glimpse of the system when they were installing it a few years back and it looked like some sort of metal. How wide are the vents? I honestly couldn’t give you an exact width. Would it fit a man? I suppose so, if he had narrow shoulders, but I couldn’t see any reason it would have to.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-29 16:46:26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 51 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737062 The World's Worst Father Informs His Children He and Their Mother are Splitting Up Thu, 26 Jul 2007 17:44:43 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737062 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Hey kids, wake up. We need to have a talk. Huh? I don’t know, about 2 AM, I think. Listen, I have to tell you all something. It's about your mother and I. But before I do, I want you to know that no matter what happens, we’re going to love all of you a little more or less, depending on how we’re feeling day-to-day. Our emotions toward you have been kind of hazy these last few weeks. But right now you all seem like pretty solid peeps in my book.

So you’ve probably noticed your mother and I fighting a lot lately. All the time, actually. Yes, Emily, even when we’re not yelling, we’re still fighting. In fact, the non-yelling fights are worst. So cold. So hopeless. Oh so hopeless. More hateful than anything you’ll ever know, though they did usually take place in front of you, in your bedrooms. Or your classrooms—I don't know why we did that.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-26 17:44:43 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 29 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736875 Closure: The Magical Summer Fling Goodbye Tue, 24 Jul 2007 12:15:54 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736875 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

“Mandy, these two months at camp felt like a fantasy – our instant bond, the passion we felt for each other… your warm skin against mine for the first time, here on this dock by the lake. To be here with you, the sun setting in an orange glow, staring into your hazel eyes… We’ll know that while we can’t be together, we shared a beautiful spark and affected each other’s lives forever. Now we’ll return to our separate lives, the bittersweet taste of finality on our once-entwined tongues. Goodbye, Mandy… Goodbye.”

“Mandy, is that you? That’s so weird, to see you on the street like this. Oh, you have an internship around here. Yeah, I was just heading over to that Wendy’s. I honestly didn’t think we’d – you know, so many nights I’ve gazed at the sky, wondering if we were looking at the same star. And now, after this bittersweet chance encounter, we’ll return to our separate lives forever – thanking fate for letting us taste each other’s presence one last time. Goodbye, Mandy… Goodbye. Oh, you’re going to Wendy’s? No, I’ll go somewhere else. I want to remember us in this moment, here on the street in the rain… just like this… forever.”

“Could you press “4th floor,” please? Wait… Mandy? Whoa. You’re staying at this hotel too? Yeah, I’m here with… Mom, Dad, this is the girl I told you about.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-24 12:15:54 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 29 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1740948 Gym Time Baby Thu, 20 Sep 2007 19:26:54 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1740948 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Yea that’s right, its gym time baby. You know how I know its gym time? Cause I can feel the fucking pump! I can feel my veins expanding with every scoop of Nitro Shock Shotgun Blast. I can feel my body’s muscles infusing with all 3 lbs of raw meat I just pounded. I can feel my sheer man mass ripping my extra tight under armor duel vent warrior gear. I’ve got remixed Ramstein house music blasting on my midnight black ipod. I’ve ripped the bottom of my sweat pants off to let my diesel calves breathe. Yea I can feel the pump.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8840"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/0/collegehumor.4d0c740b1838c2f7df95bd003008868b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8840">Gary</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:283"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 18 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747184 Dude, don't even bother, cause I got the star! Tue, 25 Dec 2007 15:58:11 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747184 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

You might as well quit right now buddy, cause quess what? I got the illustrious gold star, yeah that's right, call your mom and tell her that you are coming home early cause I am taking your ass out of commission for the rest of the night. But I am saving this son of a bitch for a specific time, that's right, I want to see your ass sweat with anticipation as to when I am gonna use it, its gonna be like a stripper at a bachelor party, you don't know when it's gonna come but when it does, it's gonna surprise you, but instead of giving you this righteous boner it will in fact make you wish you weren't born a man.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1308104"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/d/collegehumor.3d657dde0fe98b35ebae2bfdba7b360c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1308104">Josh Krebs</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 46 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749405 A Man Calls Domino's, Wondering The Whereabouts of His Pizza Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:40:21 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749405 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

by Morgan Freeman

Hello? How do you do. I don't mean to cause a great deal of trouble here but it has now been over one hour since I ordered my sausage, pepperoni, and onion pizza from your establishment. It is currently thirty minutes past the estimated delivery time, and I, my boy, am hungry.

When a man makes a promise, or in this case-- a thirty-minute delivery guarantee, he is expected to keep it.

You see sonny, I wish I were able to tell you that I was able to fight the good fight in this situation. I wish I were able to tell you that, I really do. But real life is no fairytale world. People... they get hungry.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:311"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/2/collegehumor.9457d5b2b882a218aa7f8ff222c62b4b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:311">Jake Klocksien</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:265"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 172 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />