CollegeHumor: Narratives Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1732915 College Advice from the Coolest Kid in High School Mon, 04 Jun 2007 14:22:39 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1732915 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Whatup, little dude? Say what?! You made it to college? Man, I remember when you were a pimple-faced freshman straight out of junior high. It's one of the few things I do remember from back in school, if you know what I mean. You know that overwhelming odor of marijuana emanating from the second-floor boy's bathroom? Well, let's just say you have yours truly and six semesters of the Shire's finest pipe weed to thank for that aroma. That restroom was my home away from home. And for a few weeks after I threatened mom's boyfriend with a steak knife, it was my home. What, you think that sweet IROC-Z Camaro drawing carved itself into that stall door? If you do I'll have to start calling you Barbarino from Welcome Back, Kotter, 'cause you're "so confused!"

Man, I wish I had a teach' like Mr. Kotter back then. Not like that son of a bitch I had for phys-ed junior year, Coach McDougal. One day I just couldn't take his BS anymore and gave that fascist a grade-A haymaker to the jaw. Why? Maybe because Denise had broken up with me behind the Arby's the night before. Maybe because I'd just seen The Breakfast Club and had enough of, you know, like, the totalitarian regime of the educational system and junk. Or maybe it was those mysterious pills Jimmy Brenner from metal shop gave me--the ones that upped my testosterone and signifigently impaired my judgement. I guess we'll never know.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-04 14:22:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 15 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726145 You're Never Going To Find These Eggs Fri, 06 Apr 2007 12:50:44 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726145 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Ok, ok, the kitchen. You're getting warmer, I guess. PSYCHE. Why would I tell you if you were getting warmer? You think I want you to find these eggs? Keep looking, morons.

Going outside now, eh? Finally making some good decisions. Maybe I don't have to be ashamed of you after all. Don't insult me Ben, you think I'd hide the eggs right by the steps to the porch? You'll have to crawl a lot further underneath the deck to find any eggs at all. Samantha might be on to something! But, Sam, hey- Sam, you're going to have to climb that tree MUCH higher if you want to find anything. Don't be a baby, reach for that branch. You have to commit to the climb, Sam. One more branch up...you've almost found the first egg...NOT! HAHAHA, whoops! Looks like there aren't any eggs in the tree either! Maybe you'll find a bird egg?! Idiot.

You know what, maybe we should go inside, this is pointless. Know why? Because you will NEVER find these eggs. I started planning for this in June of last year. I haven't slept in 4 days because I've been hiding and rehiding eggs. Even if you think you find the eggs, you won't have. Because I've planted dummy eggs all over the yard.

By the time you find these f*cking eggs they'll be full grown chickens! Yeah, that's right, Samantha, I didn't even boil them! If you don't find them soon all the baby chickens will die and it will be all your fault. Why are you crying? That kind of attitude never found any eggs. Man up, Samantha.

No, Ben, don't be a smartass. This isn't why your mother left. You want to know why I do this, Samantha? For the same reason I've faked my own gruesome death every Halloween for the past 4 years, for the same reason I broke both my legs and fractured my skull coming down the chimney as Santa last Christmas. I do this because I love you guys. And I'm giving you a true Holiday to remember. I love you two very much. Now go out there and find. Those. F*cking. Eggs. NOW.
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/1/collegehumor.2618616bb5cffc06c7d7b8216893ee97.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-06 12:50:44 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298">Jake Hurwitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:55"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 119 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733421 The Namesake Of Murphy's Law Attempts To Perform Surgery For The First Time Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:44:27 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733421 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Here you go, Murphy. The Big Show. 12 years of medical school have come to this.  Sure, there have been mishaps in the past, but this man is counting on you to bring him home safely.  It’s your time to shine, so slap on your gloves and get going.  Shoot!  Did I just get a paper cut from latex?? Forget it. Focus.

You've rehearsed this before.  Make the primary incision. Not with your fingernail. Ask the nurse for a scalpel. What does she mean we’re out of scalpels? There’s a scalpel shortage? In a hospital? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.  Fine. Fine. Pull yourself together, dammit. Remember your training. You’ll just have to improvise. The nurse has a Swiss Army Knife. It’ll have to do.  Eww, there’s bits of cheese on it.  How am I supposed to work with this?  No matter.  Just visualize. New heart for Mr. Johnson.  New heart for Mr. Johnson. New heart for----OK, who the hell is playing Andrew W.K. in the OR??  Seriously, this is ridiculous.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:798286"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/7/collegehumor.55d0d0228dc9a883fbdc78074d36351f.gif"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:798286">Salomone</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:492"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 21 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734874 She'll Come Back to Me Now That I Bought This RV Tue, 26 Jun 2007 10:21:05 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734874 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
‘Afternoon, Andersons! Yep, yep, you’re looking at ‘er! The 2006 Coachmen Epic. All thirty-six feet of ‘er. Pretty shiny, huh? Come on over and check it out! Boy, I’m excited! Oh, watch your step there, Angela. Here, let me put down the boarding ladder. There you go, climb on up. You too, Chuck! Come on aboard! Well, here it is! She’s a beaut, isn’t she? What do you think? A bit much? Not for my family. Spared no expense here, believe me. Had to refinance the house but it’s gonna be worth it once Laura and the kids see it. When’s that? Well, this weekend when she drops them off, I guess. No, Chuck, we’re separated. There’s a difference, ok?

Boy, imagine the look on the kids’ faces when they see their daddy just bought them and their mom the ultimate funmobile! I really think Laura will like it. I’m excited to show her. So, walk on back, check out the kitchen! Look at that thing! We got a gas stove, an oven, a microwave, and a toaster oven. That’s more than we have in the kitchen in the house! Hm? Did I say “we?�? Well, you know what I mean. Me and Laura and the kids. Yes, Chuck, I know they don’t live here anymore. But be a pal, will ya? Come on.
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:169669"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/d/collegehumor.94bcea8f4e7f70807e9844dd69468b5c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:169669">jake barnes</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:73"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726386 Friedrich Engels Tries To Get Laid Sun, 08 Apr 2007 18:47:51 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726386 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hey, what’s up? My name’s Freddy. Care if I sit down here for a second? Alright, cool. Oh man, it’s so nice to be able to go out and relax. I’ve just been so busy recently, you know, writing the Communist Manif… wait, what’d you say? Who sings this song? Umm I’m not really sure. I think it’s La Bouche or something like that. Yeah, it is a good song. “Be my lover wanna be my lovaaah” Hey, where are you going? To dance? Yeah, I'd love to... oh, with your friends. Uhh sure, go ahead. I’ll just uhh sit here and relax because uhh I’m so worn out from writing the Communist Manifesto because I wrote it and I’m tired from writing it, the Communist Manifesto!
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:399131"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/e/collegehumor.32e782c4f13f913e361075be533e1bb3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:399131">Vincent J Pussybody</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:398"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726783 A Classics Major Gets Laid...Maybe Wed, 11 Apr 2007 02:50:37 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726783 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Come hither, yonder wench and allow me tell you the tale of horny Aphrodite – the goddess who never wanted for attention!  Hers is a tale of tawdry torment, of bounteous lust, of skin-slapping without end!  ‘Tis the tale of the night fox, indeed it is!  Ha, ha, ha.  Oh, yes!  Oh yes, indeed! 

Are you ready to bow down to the Scepter of Agamemnon, my love?  You must be, for your eyes sing songs to my heart’s delight and your lips are full and red!  Ours shall be a boning that sweeps away time and space – more akin to the chaos of the void than the harmony of the Cosmos, yes?

Methinks my mighty oak be ready for the damp glen of your nether regions.

Come now, my love, for the time is nigh!  We shall be off and soaked as a salt-sprayed ship bound for the Aegean!  And when we arrive, I shall enter your gates as innocently as a Trojan horse, only to release armed Greeks into your burning citadel….

Ready your sopping galley, for my seamen are set to board! 

Oh hey – wait.  Do you have money for cab fare?...‘cause my Visa’s sorta maxed out after all those shots.  Yeah?  Great. 

Then let us leap as fleet-footed Mercury, for I’m about to pass out!

View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 20 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729987 The Student Who Cares Too Much About Others Being Late to Class Mon, 07 May 2007 13:55:38 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729987 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Man, this Econ class sure is difficult. It's pretty annoying coming to class early every single time just to ask the professor questions about everything we've already gone over a few times. But it'll be worth it when I get my A. Thank God the semester is almost over. Wait a second, the door is opening. It's that goddamn kid that always comes in 40 minutes late! Jesus Christ, there's only 10 minutes left of class. Why would he come that late to class? He's already missed pretty much the entire lecture. WTF?

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:849223"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/9/collegehumor.532eaf9168d297a8e16abf49902abb5b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:849223">Tim O'Donnell</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 21 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />