CollegeHumor: Old People Articles This Month

14 Open Statements To Anyone Between The Ages Of Old and Dead

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 13:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. Stop giving your coat, hat, and a nickel to the first person of color you see when you enter an establishment.

2. The war ended 40 years ago and you have a plastic hip. Stop shrieking and diving behind the couch every time I bring my half Asian girlfriend over.

3. Surrounding the happiest place on earth with your impending doom is not cool.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2094382"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/2/collegehumor.91d3f0a2e74da7b4ba56c96266506e4d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-12 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2094382">Steve Mank</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 28 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Talking to Your Grandma About the Conversion from Analog to Digital Broadcasting

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 18:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Simply roll your mouse over the text to reveal what your grandma hears!

The government is switching all television broadcasting to digital instead of analog.

The government is going to break your TV.

But you already have digital cable.

You have a television and the government is breaking televisions.

I installed your new TV over the summer and I'm sure it will continue to work perfectly.

I know everything about televisions and you should call me whenever you have a question about them.

People with analog connections can get a coupon for a converter box.

Coupon.

But you don't need it.

Coupon.

Your TV is fine.

Coupon.

You should stop worrying.

You should call and have this exact conversation with me again tomorrow.

Ok?

Actually, please call me every time you see that coupon commercial.

Cool.

I love you.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/4/collegehumor.8879997c887ae4b37f766c44f2de531f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-28 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989">Susanna Wolff</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:53"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 308 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Seven Types of Grandma

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 16:37:51 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The Textbook: Kind eyes, a precise five-centimeter half-ro extended off her shriveled skull, godlike pie-making skills, and a card-carrying Wheel Watchers member, the Textbook is the grandma we've all heard of yet never actually encountered. I'll admit, some grandmas come close, but they usually have a catch, like a gambling addiction or a club foot. Still, take what you can get, as any grandmother with a proclivity for baking who isn't girdle-deep in tears for her deceased husband is something to be cherished.

The No-Vacancy: Keep a "Caution: wet floor" sign around this grandma, because she drools more than Sarah Palin during an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle. If a No-Vacancy can walk, which they usually can't, it's only to the nearest window to talk to clouds. A No-Vacancy is completely checked out, will mutter in a way that makes Dikembe Mutombo seem articulate, and has all the composure of Michael Jackson in a moon bounce. If your grandma is a No-Vacancy, it's alright to be disappointed. Just remember: she never counts what's in her purse.

Primeval Barbie: Usually found thumbing through sports bras in Macy's, the Primeval Barbie is the grandma who clings to youth like a dingleberry that just won't come loose. Primeval Barbie has her cosmetic surgeon on speed dial, and thinks of herself as an intergenerational liaison, an idea that is flagrantly malformed and senseless. If you can't poop without supplements, you shouldn't be allowed to have a normal conversation with your granddaughter. End of discussion.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/5/collegehumor.c167be55ac734f21a9c0bb059430c7f3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-09-27 16:37:51 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869">Steve E.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:437"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 46 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Real Facebook ads for old people

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:22:05 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> A while ago I noticed that Facebook ads had started to be tailored to me by my age. For example one ad had the headline "22 year-old gamer?". While I am a 22 year old gamer, I was getting sick of the constant ads for "BBW Girls" and gay sex so I decided to change my birthday from 1986 to 1906. The change yielded the expected results...

Note: This is not a joke, these are actual Facebook ads that came up on my profile.

That's pretty normal, older people should be worried about their retirement money, but then they started getting a little better...

There is no way that guy is over 55. Then I discovered something great...

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/b/collegehumor.6373d99cdef768d5a492fa8b017600f7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-06-30 17:22:05 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:565851">Goroman</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1127"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 41 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

How My Friends and I Appear to My Grandpa

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:59:25 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Steve: Hey Lucas, ready for yet another night of insolent vagrancy?

Give us a smile, Pop-Pop!

Lucas: Yeah, I can't wait to stay out past ten o'clock doing all those bad things we like to do, like wearing scary clothes and making loud noises in restaurants. Do you know what I'm not ready to do?

Steve: What?

Lucas: Honorably serve my country by enlisting in the US Army, thus establishing a good reputation for our generation.

Steve: Yeah, I'd much rather lie around playing computer.

Lucas: Computer is my church.

Trey: *Incomprehensible babble*

Lucas: Look, it's our colored friend, Trey, the one who got into an Ivy League university through some crazy mistake.

Steve: He's still better than our stingy Dutch friend, who'll probably euthanize Pop-Pop while he is sleeping.

Lucas: Those Dutch are the worst.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/5/collegehumor.c167be55ac734f21a9c0bb059430c7f3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869">Steve E.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:437"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 475 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Senior Citizen Video Games

Sun, 11 May 2008 19:27:24 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Due to recent record profits in the video game market, many video game companies have decided to try and profit from the single largest demographic: Baby boomers. Fortunately, I was able to get a hand on some of those video games. Here's a first look:

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:69220"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/7/collegehumor.5f66039cd3fe9a7b21ccefd7a7196d3b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-11 19:27:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:69220">Thomas Murray</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:273"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 122 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Oswald Henderson: A Life

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 22:12:35 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1411151"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/5/collegehumor.3147036331468e76a7699e2534891f10.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-10 22:12:35 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1411151">Jacob Simon</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 59 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Birthday Card Ideas For My 100-Year-Old Grandmother

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:51:38 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/7/collegehumor.1a8d4bdd12eb35c73182c827b94ab675.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-27 00:51:38 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 325 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

If My Grandpa Ran The Department of Transportation

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 13:42:53 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-11 13:42:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 226 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ninety-One Upper

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:37:39 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Imagine a world where the elderly one-upped each other.

Normal: I walked around the block for my morning cardio exercise.
One-upper: You think that's cool, I just joined a gym that I go to every Wednesday to walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes. Sometimes if I'm feeling extra limber I'll break out the 2.5 pound dumbbells.

Normal: I took a very relaxing bath last night.
One-Upper: Big Deal! I took a shower. Standing up! That means without sitting on my stool or holding the safety bar.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/9/collegehumor.45397a4c6c8241522ef776b95348cf0f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-17 15:37:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326">Jeff Rosenberg</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 61 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

If Your Generation Is So Great, Why Can't You Stop Dying?

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 16:20:43 -0500

Ever since the 1998 release of Tom Brokaw’s book “The Greatest Generation” old people have been going around like they are the cock of the walk. Talking about how they fought in World War II and how they survived the Great Depression. Well you know what? I’m tired of that poppycock. It’s high time that we take our rightful place as the Greatest Generation.

Here is my point. If their generation is so great, why can’t they stop dying so much? Seriously, our generation is thriving, we're setting up to lead America in this upcoming century. Look at the numbers, many more of their generation are dying daily, and those who are alive are in nursing homes, crapping their pants and drooling all over the place. If I wanted my country to be represented by self-defecating droolers, I would vote for those Baby Geniuses from those films- which I understand to be more or less documentaries.

I can guarantee you this: if we challenged the current “greatest generation” to a see who can live longer contest, I get the distinct feeling that we would dominate on nearly every level. We could also win in the events of “who has more teeth”, “Who can use the internet” and “Who is less startled by sudden movements.”

So if our generation can drive the speed limit, walk unaided, eat solid food, and not- you know- die, then why can't we be the greatest generation? I will personally cage fight any member of that generation in a no-holds-barred battle royale to determine which one of us is truly the "greatest." So my brothers and sisters, join the fight today- the fight to take the title of "greatest generation" from the wrinkled hands and toothless mouths of those decrepit glory hogs. The time is nigh!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:395698"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/0/collegehumor.345f3e528b92d9289bfadbe09e86e317.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:395698">TV's Brad Coulombe</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 43 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Increasingly Obvious Attempts to Draw Attention to the Old Lady in My American Literature Class

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 23:09:53 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In Our Time is now regarded as one of the seminal American expatriate works of the era, at the time of its release it was met with mixed critical review. It’s unfortunate that none of us has the capability to truly grasp the evolved public reception to the novel due to our lack of years.” [Cast knowing glance towards old lady]
�
“Sir, with all due respect, why are we students cooped up inside an auditorium on such a beautiful spring day? We’ve got the rest of our lives ahead of us to study literature. Well, at least some of us do.”

“Public inhibitions with regard to alcohol have changed dramatically since the Jazz Age and the Roaring Twenties, an era exemplified by F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. These days it’s near impossible to buy liquor unless you know someone who’s 21 or 80.”

“Psst… does anyone have a pen I could borrow? No? What about arthritis?”

“Two-part question: First, how does Twain’s use of character-specific colloquial dialogue contribute to the dynamism in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn? Second, why is there is an old lady in the front row of our class?”

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:754468"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/b/collegehumor.7bbc4664f52ecd42f879c8ab0a5d38e4.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:754468">Paul Krumholz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1750"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 39 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />