CollegeHumor: Olympic Round Up Articles This Month

CollegeHumor: Olympic Round Up Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760925 But Wait, There's More... Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:24:32 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760925 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> While discussing the Olympics at work one day, Susanna expressed her belief that the Olympics and all the athletes involved - our world's most finely-tuned sportsmen - were just a waste of time. Naturally,we decided she should be our official Olympic correspondent. Let's see how she'll belittle the efforts of so many incredible athletes today!

Sometimes all the hubbub about swimming, track, and gymnastics can overshadow the other fine events that the Olympics have to offer. And that makes perfect sense. Because some of the other events are ridiculous.

I'm not even just talking about table tennis and "racewalking." I'm talking about the events from the ancient check-out-this-weird-thing-I-can-do tradition.

Shot putting? Hight jumping? Long jumping? Pole vaulting? Javelin throwing? Hammer throwing? Discus throwing? Any kind of competitive throwing? I don't doubt that these things are hard to do. I just don't know why anyone thinks to do them.

"Hey, Ivan, see that really heavy metal ball? Throw it. No, silly, don't just chuck it with all your might. Hold it up by your neck, then spin a bit, and then fling it. It'll be awesome!"

I have the sneaking suspicion that the brawny men (and women) of eastern Europe have had something to do with keeping these events in the Olympics year after year. If that's the case, I think it's only fair that every nation be able to suggest adding one of their citizens' arbitrary skills to the Olympic line-up. China already snuck in table tennis. The US could suggest eating. Greenland would excel in the field of competitive melting. And India could finally improve its medal count by adding out-sourced computer assistance to the games.

Victory for all! (But still not really for Greenland.)

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I didn't watch the Olympics last night. It's not because I forgot; it's because I just really didn't want to. But when I went to check the Olympic Cliffsnotes a.k.a. the newspaper, I was reminded of a few events I have neglected to mention thus far:

Brazil almost took the gold in Pathetic-Ways-to-Get-People-to-Go-to-Your-Country by putting Richard Gere in their commercials, but at the last second they were sadly defeated by Australia when mayor John Molony realized the most brilliantly embarrassing way to fix your town's over-male population problem: invite ugly chicks. Triumph.

India pulled ahead in the Is-It-Really-Racist-to-Make-Fun-of-Their-Food? race as they took advantage of China's temporarily dogless menu, and trumped it with the government sanctioned suggestion of dining on rats.

Russia took the gold in Global-Super-Power-Multitasking by seizing Georgia's port of Poti after promising to withdraw, threatening nuclear activity, and still finding time for sports. China came in a close second as they managed to lie about almost everything having to do with the Olympic ceremonies, take bibles from missionaries, and, of course, continue every shady government practice that makes China China. The fine US of A won a respectable bronze for its multi-faceted activities that can best be described by the White House's official away message: "Phelps and stuff..."

And last, but probably not for the last time, Poland effortlessly swept up all medals in the contest for Western-Country-Most-Likely-to-Get-Dragged-into-Situations-Just-to-Get-Sh*t-on. A bittersweet victory, but as the old Polish saying goes, "Hey, at least we got something."

Congratulations to all!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/4/collegehumor.8879997c887ae4b37f766c44f2de531f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-19 17:57:28 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989">Susanna Wolff</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:53"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760772 Whoop De Doo Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:27:47 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760772 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> While discussing the Olympics at work one day, Susanna expressed her belief that the Olympics and all the athletes involved - our world's most finely-tuned sportsmen - were just wasting their time.Naturally,we decided she should be our official Olympic correspondent.Let's see how she'll belittle the efforts of so many incredible athletes today!

My God, this Olympics business takes forever.

We've had more than a week of competition and guess what: most of the people competing have lost. Even the silver medalists are still just first place losers. Usually the races are so close that the runners up might still be able to feel good about themselves, but every once in a while a special race comes along that really must crush the spirits of those who didn't come in first.

I am, of course, talking about the seemingly effortless victory of Usain Bolt. Let's review the facts: his name is Bolt, he won by a lot even though his last few strides had to share their energy with a true winner's preemptive celebration, oh, and his shoe was untied.

What's that Olympic saying again? It's not the triumph, but the struggle?

Not for Mr. Bolt.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/4/collegehumor.8879997c887ae4b37f766c44f2de531f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-18 17:27:47 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989">Susanna Wolff</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:53"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760663 Fun for the Whole Family! Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:06:41 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760663 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> While discussing the Olympics at work one day, Susanna expressed her belief that the Olympics and all the athletes involved - our world's most finely-tuned sportsmen - were just wasting their time.Naturally,we decided she should be our official Olympic correspondent.Let's see how she'll belittle the efforts of so many incredible athletes today!

In light of Nastia Liukin's gold medal win, I think I will use today's Olympic Round-Up to examine a specific subset of Olympians: the Olympic parents.

There seem to be two kinds:

The proud, doting, appropriately anxious, but distanced fan parent, a.k.a. the Mrs. Phelps. She sits in the stands. She's tense when he's behind (or, as is more likely, when one of his teammates seems to be behind). She's jubilant when he's ahead. And, win or lose, she gives a hug and a kiss and just seems all-around psyched to be there.

Then there's the other kind, the ex-Olympian who's seeking to make up for his personal losses and All-Around regrets by getting his kid to win a gold medal instead. What do we call that kind of over-bearing, too close, stress-inducing parent? Valeri Liukin.

It's got to be scary enough having an ex-Soviet gymnast as your coach, but if he's also your dad, jeez. Surgeons aren't allowed to operate on their kids. Permanently disappointed athletes probably shouldn't be allowed to coach their kids. It's not because the quality of the training is worse, but because having your dad make you do incredibly dangerous things while you're not wearing pants has got to leave a weird vibe at the dinner table.

I will say one thing though; this picture is going to make an awesome Liukin Family Christmas card.

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At this moment she's trying to remember the name of the blond boy on Step By Step

I have discovered my favorite thing about the Olympics: the announcers.

If you haven't noticed, I love hating stuff and I really hate the announcers. Ergo, the announcers are the best.

They seem normal enough during events like swimming and your other basic race scenarios. They narrate enthusiastically (still feigning interest in all this "record breaking") and mix in little tidbits of information here and there. This all seems like standard announcer stuff. And then something happens that changes normal, appropriately humble announcers into loquacious nut-jobs with microphones and god complexes. The gymnastic events start.

As soon as those leotarded children walk into the gymnasium, some switch is flipped in the announcers' heads that makes them believe that they not only have the right to categorize certain gymnastic routines as "simple," but also that they are, of course, completely omniscient.

They're not just narrating the apparent events of the night. They are narrating the internal monologues and emotional reactions of each gymnast even though they in no way have the power to do that.

Then again, this stuff is happening in China. So they may very well have figured out how to read minds.

If that's the case, I don't want to hear about how bad the American gymnasts feel when they mess up something as simple as keeping their backs straight while flipping between the uneven bars. I want to know what's going on in Pang Jiaying's mind.

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I'm calling shenanigans on all this record-breaking swimming. It seems like everyone who jumps in a pool breaks a record these days. I refuse to believe that mere human evolution can produce such profound effects in 4-year spans. Something is up.

Gymnasts should be given a dugout or some other private area to go to after they really mess up a routine. That Alicia something-or-other who fell (twice) really looked like she could use a rock to crawl behind and weep.

Do you think that one brown-haired American gymnast feels out of the loop?

Did you hear that thing about how the Chinese government takes gymnasts when they're 3 years-old, trains them non-stop, and only let's them see their parents once a year? No wonder we can't beat them. It's like making American kids compete in a sneaker-making contest against sweatshop kids.

There's no way that super tiny Chinese gymnast is 16.

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That was AWESOME.

I'm not talking about Michael Phelps' wins or the unequivocal skill of China's male gymnasts; I'm talking about your response to yesterday's round-up. It was even more intense than I could have dreamed. Beautiful.

Now that I've laid out my controversial belief that the end goal of an Olympic medal does not warrant the extreme effort that goes into it, I might as well tell you how I think the Olympics could be made more entertaining: every event should have a control athlete.

You know how science experiments always have a "control" to show what happens when the scientists do nothing to the specific material, creature, or what-have-you being studied? I think every country should be represented both by their best, most superbly trained athlete, and by some random person they just picked off the street*. Don't just throw Natalie Coughlin in the pool; put the chick who lives down the street from her in there as well. How long does it take some schlub to swim across a pool?

And that synchronized diving was pretty cool, but can you imagine what it would be like if only one member of each team had been training for his or her entire life? It would be like the try-outs for American Idol, but with really dangerous sports. National pride, here we come!

*The only time this will probably have no effect is during the Winter Olympics' curling event. I'm pretty sure no one really knows how to play that.

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Make us proud, America!

It is time again for millions of people to tune in to watch the athletic quest for precious metals and trivial superlatives; the 2008 Summer Olympics have begun. Oh God.

After what felt like 45 hours of opening ceremonies, which included such sights as a drum show-a.k.a. a spectacle of over-population, LeBron James in dweeb clothes, and our main man George W. Bush looking simply riveted, the first night ended and the idea of having to sit through more became almost unbearable. But alas, I persevered and perhaps those Olympic-montage commercials were right: it's not the triumph, but the struggle.

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