CollegeHumor: Orientation Articles This Month

Back-to-School: A Video Primer

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 16:49:15 -0400

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 47 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Chimp Guevara

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:05:35 -0400

College is a time to experiment. For some people that means straight up dyking out at a frat party (NICE!). For others it could mean temporarily buying into crazy ideas, or learning to juggle. Whether you grew from a monkey or just want to hook up with a hot girl who did, our Viva La Evolucion poster has got you covered. They're also perfect for juggling if you buy three.

Buy, Buy Miss American poster...

...drove my chevy to the brand new Collegehumor Store, but the Collegehumor store was a Web site.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.aefefba05adec0eb158d18dd8d36a1b2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494">Kevin Corrigan</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:344"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Caption Contest: Orientation Edition

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 10:44:10 -0400

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RULES: Submit your one best caption as a comment. No replies. No retries. Keep reading to vote on last week's best...

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/4/collegehumor.8879997c887ae4b37f766c44f2de531f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-29 10:44:10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989">Susanna Wolff</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:53"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 18 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

College Math

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:30:50 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> way better than high school, there will still be some problems you can't avoid. Sorry. But we've got a few tried-and-true mathematical solutions to help you out.

When can I dump my orientation friends?
Most college kids handle making friends during orientation like they would a turn on Supermarket Sweep, grabbing as many as possible in a short amount of time. Thanks to this smash-and-grab mentality, you may find yourself with a crew of friends you don't really like. Don't worry, orientation friends can be swiftly tossed aside once you meet real friends in the weeks to come. Consult the following equation to figure out how long it will be until you can ignore The Greg-inator and pretend that conversation about shotgun v. handgun never happened:

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/5/collegehumor.410f4f84538571c78218e93585c6a5bb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877">CH Staff</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Periodic Poster of Vulgarity

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 14:12:01 -0400

(Click picture to buy, or you can click here, here, or here, NOT here, maybe here)

This poster and some of the following items are available in the brand new Collegehumor Store: t-shirts, hot air balloons, bear pheremones, more posters, candelabras, goose eggs, fiddles, magic beans, 8-way beer bongs, live tuna, rare paintings, battle axes, live salmon, mine carts, dead halibut, thyme, exercise bikes, the moon, unicycles.

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Starting Fresh, Making Friendz and Getting Your D Moist

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:33:31 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I know this sounds cliche, but college really is a new beginning, a clean slate to start fresh despite your not so desirable high school past. This rings especially true if you were a loser in high school. Not sure if you were a loser? Do any of these apply to you: In Band (not to be confused with in a band, totally different), choir, drama, math team, computer club, astronomy club, any club that required you to collect and store bugs in your room, or male badminton? If so, I've got the perfect news for you - you're going to college, so now is the time to make up an entirely new personality. Here are some possible personas that you should seriously consider adopting.

Tough Guy - Were you a dweeb in high school who was constantly pushed around? Well here's the one for you. The key to this one is that anyone can be tough, no matter what size you are. Actually in some cases, the smaller the better. This is a nice one if you're a little guy and are sick of getting picked on. Go to your first party, walk in, find the biggest douche there and punch him square in the face. Now don't get scared, but the next thing you do will hurt tremendously, but it'll be worth it and hurt a lot less than him gouging your eyes out. Take a lit cigarette from someone standing near you and put it out on your arm, while staring in the guy's face, without flinching. Once your done everyone will cheer uncontrollably and the head cheerleader will give you a blowjob in front of everyone. I swear.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/9/collegehumor.45397a4c6c8241522ef776b95348cf0f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-27 15:33:31 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326">Jeff Rosenberg</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 146 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Death Star Schematics Poster

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:05:16 -0400

You never know, someday you might want to build a death star. Maybe you'll make it in space near Alderaan, or maybe you'll make it in your lounge out of furniture. The bottom line is that you're going to need blueprints.

The problem with blueprints is that they're delicate and need to be kept in tubes. Waving around a cardboard tube isn't going to intimidate any rebels. You need to put it on your wall. That's why we've made this delightful, rebel-scaring death star schematic poster.

Bonus: We've included some helpful words at the bottom so you can avoid the same pitfalls as the Empire.

It might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie, baby, buy buy buy this poster

You can find this and even more college "paraphanalia," if you know what I mean, in the brand new Collegehumor Store. By the way, if you didn't know what I meant when I said "paraphanalia," I meant posters, T-shirts and an 8-way beer bong.

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Guide to Nonverbal Communication

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:53:11 -0400

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Means, "I know and respect you. Unfortunately, I am also aware that you steal DVDs at parties."

Means, "Hello, we had class together where we spoke a few times. We probably should be friends, but I don't have the time."

Means, "I have no idea who you are, but you seem to know me."

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The First RA

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:56:54 -0400

"I'm not just your lord, I'm also your friend."

University of France, France 1051
Greetings fellow students of Academia. I would like to take this opportunity to introduceth mine self. My name is Edmund Wellington the third and I will be your resident assistant for this year, your first year at university and the first year of university, ever.

As there art no precedents, this year shalleth be a learning experience for us all. Let us learn together. Thou art all responsible and mature. I'm not going to impose any rules. I trusteth that I need not tell you to behave like adults. I shall make mine presence one of a dear friend. Mine door is never barred.

Morrow
It is with great regret and sorrow that I must inform you that our fellow student and dear friend Archibald Leoneses has passed away only one day into the semestereth. He was full of mead and attempted to catapult himself into the ladies dormitorium. He landed in a pile of thickets no further than the servants' quarters. He died at the infirmatorium this morning after his blood became so sour it could not be cured with leeches. Even if you did not know him by name, I'm sure you were all familiar with the delightful Spaniard boy.

There will be a memorial service this evening where we shall all drink from the cask in his honor.

Now, it is quite clear that catapults are no things to be trifled with after a long night at the tavern. Alcohol and contraptions simply do not mix. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you all that catapults are now explicitly off-limits to UFF students. Spaniards have also been banned.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.aefefba05adec0eb158d18dd8d36a1b2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-26 13:56:54 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494">Kevin Corrigan</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:344"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 84 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Bob Marley Poster Placeholder

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:21:30 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Posters say something. No, not literally. Most of them don't, at least. Posters reflect something about the person you are.

For example, a poster of John Belushi wearing a shirt that says "College" will let your peers know that you like to laugh. A Bob Marley poster let's people know that you're chill and definitely not a narc. The problem with Bob Marley posters, though, is that you're forced to stare at Bob Marley's big ugly face all day.

We've solved that problem.

Throw your hand in the air, and click here to buy it like you just don't care

You can find this and many other fine dorm decorations at the brand new, official Collegehumor Store.

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Top or Bottom Bunk: The Most Important Decision of Your First Three Minutes of College

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:32:59 -0400

1. The Big Foot: When climbing up or down from your bunk, take special care to step on your roommate's head, hand, foot, etc. It's not a big foul, but it's irritating and will establish you as careless and clumsy. Also, knocking anything off a nightstand he may have is encouraged.

2. The Curious Neighbor: Nothing says "I might stab you" like watching someone sleep. The top bunk is perfect for a little over-the-edge spying. However, unlike most undercover operatives, you want to be spotted. When he asks why you are staring at him, just say, "You look so peaceful...so innocent." Note: Popping your head down when he is with a girl and asking a stupid question such as "When are you waking up tomorrow?" never hurts.

3. The Waterfall: How bad do you want that bottom bunk? Really bad? Good, you're ready for the final step. After a night of drinking, climb into bed and pee yourself. Don't worry, lots of kids do this in college, so your reputation won't be so hurt. The next day, when your roommate discovers himself soaked in your waste, explain the awful paradox you're in: you love to drink, yet you pee yourself every time you do! It's important to apologize profusely for the "accident" so your roommate doesn't catch on to your plan. After one or two soakings, you'll be sitting pretty on that bottom bunk.

From our book, the CollegeHumor Guide to College.

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Late Registration

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:58:30 -0400

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James Curtis, PhD.
Dept. of Humanities

Dear Prof. Curtis,

It has come to my attention that your English 212 course, "Mark Twain and the American Spirit," has been filled for the Fall 2008 semester. Unfortunately, I require your class in order to graduate before the Spring, and (through NO fault of my own) failed to register in time. Would it be possible to fit me in at this point? As a father of 3 soon-to-be high school graduates, I'm sure you can understand the seriousness of this situation.

I understand the necessity of strict deadlines in a busy college system. However, failure to graduate by May would force me to enroll in a summer course and move into an off-campus apartment, such as old Ms. Garrett's basement room on 330 Hibiscus Lane. While this room would of course be less than the mortgage you pay on your house on that very same street, you can respect the financial strain high rents would place on a part-time student -- even one without three lovely daughters to raise. And protect.

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The Sexile (Poster) Contract

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:40:24 -0400

Like my divorce lawyer told me when I was 13 years old, don't believe anything anyone tells you until they put it in writing. I didn't believe him, so he drew up a contract and signed it, stating that a person hereby cannot take anything spoken to be truth unless the speaker has transcribed those words and signed the document in the presence of a notary public. Then he bought me ice cream.

The bottom line is that you can't trust anyone. Especially not your roommate. You two may have come to an agreement about sexile, but how do you know he'll honor it when you stumble in with a hottie at 2 am while he's 6 hours into a 48 hour Dragonball Z marathon (your roommate is a huge dork in this scenario, btw). You can't know, and that's why you need a contract.

The brand new Collegehumor Store's official� Sexile (Poster) Contract is just like any other contract, but way bigger. That means it's even more legally binding.

Click here to buy the sh*t out of it like it ain't no thang

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Guide to Being Cool in College

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:33:13 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. Hair: Do you put effort into making your hair seem cool? Don't. All cool kids put zero effort into their hair. When it's messy, you do nothing. When it gets long, you never under any circumstances PAY for a haircut! There is nothing more uncool than paying somebody to cut your hair. You can either do it yourself, or occasionally push the hair out of your face with your fist. Using fingers shows effort and that's simply uncool. Some people put a lot of effort into making their hair look unkempt; however, that effort shows and oftentimes you're left looking considerably less cool. Oh, and shave every third Tuesday, but not with a blade, with a stick.

2. Clothes: Hey, when did you buy that outfit you're wearing? Did your answer start with a "two thousand"? Because if so, you're not cool. The clothes you wear today should be the ones you wore in seventh grade. The smaller, the more worn down, the better. Is your shirt so thin you can see your nipples through it? Great. Now you're getting somewhere, nerd. The shirt you wore to sixth-grade PE is a great start. How about a sports team that doesn't exist anymore? Anything Quebec Nordiques or Vancouver Grizzlies=instant cool.

3. Demeanor: Do not speak loudly. No cool person speaks loudly. Say few, small words, but every once in a while drop a really big one just to show you've got the capability, but you're just too cool to use it. Example:

GIRL: Hey.
YOU: Sup.
GIRL: I've never noticed you before. I like your shirt--PE, huh? It's cute.
YOU: Sup.
GIRL: I like your hair--is that effort I see?
YOU: You know it ain't, bitch. Sesquipedalian.
GIRL: *SWOOOOON*

Shakespeare once wrote, "To thine own self be true." However, you should focus on Shakespeare's more subtle philosophical points about dressing up as people and acting like characters. Cooler characters.

From our book, the CollegeHumor Guide to College.

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Welcome to Orientation 2008

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:48:51 -0400

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We're talking about you, freshmen.

You are about to embark on the most glorious, embarrassing, fattening, fun, expensive, and useless time of your life. But first, you need to get through orientation week. So sit back and keep refreshing the page between exhilarating ice-breaker games, riveting RA meetings, and all the other awkwardly life-altering experiences that await!

This week is for you, n00bs.

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