Worried Wife:  My husband didn't used to be this way...he'd just check Facebook a couple of times a day like a normal person. Then, he started logging in a dozen times a day. I didn't know why, until he walked away to go to the bathroom and he left his profile up - he had been on Farmville all this time. I couldn't believe that he was putting this stupid virtual farm before his family!

Psychologist: Farmville is a very dangerous, addicting game. One day, you're planting a few plots of wheat, maybe milking a cow or two - the next, you're expanding your farm, buying tractors, and harvesting 24/7. I'm hoping it's not too late to save your husband. But you have to be careful when approaching him - the game may leave him very moody and slightly trembling.

Psychologist enters the house. Man on computer looks up for a split second, then goes back to harvesting strawberries.

Psychologist: Sir, could you step away from the computer for a minute? Your family wants to talk to you.

I have received reports indicating that you have violated at least seven summer housing policies. Your alleged behavior infringes upon the Summer Housing Code of Conduct (2008 ed.), which prohibits:

   "4. Sloth, including (but not limited to) the failure to maintain adequate hygiene, wash one's own garments, and/or wake up before 1:00 pm. Neglecting to do dishes, mow the lawn, take out the garbage, and/or other tasks that help us to function as a happy family with a cleaner, lovelier home than the McFaddens."

   "7. Quarreling, which includes all instances of purposely directing verbal, physical, or emotional detriment towards your brother and sister. The stealing of remotes, the community computer, and/or the last bowl of Reeses Puffs is strictly prohibited."

   "253. The ingestion of any foreign substance (tobacco, alcohol, and so forth) is forbidden both inside and outside of the home. Furthermore, it's bad for your health. Just look at Uncle Steve. You don't want to turn out like him, do you?"

Martin: Right.

Sigmund Freud: You see, these are all very natural feelings and you should not be ashamed of them. Do you understand?

Martin: I think so.

Sigmund Freud: Good. Now when you fantasize about your mother in bed, how does that make you feel?

Martin: Wait…what?!

Sigmund Freud: You know, when you’re…I mean when you beat the meat and you’re thinking about your mother…

OK, hold on dad. That’s f***ed up. I don’t think about mom in that way.

Sigmund Freud: It’s alright son. Everyone does it. I’m not mad. I just need you to open up about your feelings. You know your grandmother used to be a pretty attractive woman herself many years ago…

Martin: Dad, I told you I’m not talking to you when you’re on coke.

Sigmund Freud: Where are you going?
[sound of door slamming]