CollegeHumor: Politics Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765004 5 Facebook Political Views Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:30:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765004 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Very Conservative

The Very Conservative adheres to a strict diet of Fox News and The Washington Times. She's positive that the world is going to end with a democrat in office and lives solely to tell you about it. Before the election, she was posting 10-page theses about how electing Barack Obama meant surrendering the country to communism. Now that the election is over, she's smugly suggesting that anyone who voted differently than her must be legally retarded. She's quick to declare America's inadequacy in electing a worthy leader, and quick to forget her candidate won the last two elections. She'd be willing to see America completely destroyed under President Obama just to say, "I told you so."

Sample Status Update: Gertrude is rolling her eyes at America. I can't believe anyone would vote for a Marxist, but I guess you can blame the liberal media for painting him as a savior.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-21 16:30:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 157 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764497 First Exit Poll Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:11:09 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764497 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/5/collegehumor.410f4f84538571c78218e93585c6a5bb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-04 14:11:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877">CH Staff</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 54 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764103 My Absentee Ballot Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764103 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.3fc86fae9d1470ed6013e7fafc3e1807.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-03 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1648824">Brian Murphy</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 167 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764146 A Letter To The Democrats, From A Patriots Fan Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764146 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Democrats,

Let me start off by saying congratulations. The people you support with all your heart have worked really, really hard to be in this position, and it feels awesome, doesn't it? I mean, this has been a truly epic run. And it all leads up to the big day, when it's all going to pay off. What a feeling! At this point you're probably wondering why I am writing this letter. It's very simple, actually. The truth is, I know exactly how you're feeling right now, because I experienced these very same emotions roughly 8 months ago.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/8/collegehumor.06098b8bb7a6234c386249d817f7bddb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-03 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072">Conor McKeon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:529"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 26 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764031 A Viewer's Guide To Television Pundits Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:30:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764031 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> With the election days away, more and more Americans are becoming interested in the political process. This is great news for the 24 hour news networks, and more specifically, the pundits who infest them. The landscape of pundits is reflective of the diversity of America, as it ranges from rich white guys who grew up on the East Coast to rich white guys who currently spend half their summers on the East Coast. Below is a primer to help you get to know them better, including their celebrity resemblance, a fun drinking game to play with your friends, which 90s band they most resemble, and a douche-o-meter, measured in O'Reillys, ranging from 1 to 6.

 

Glenn Beck

CNN Headline News, Glenn Beck Conservative

Of all the pundits on television, Glenn Beck is the most outspoken despiser of phony, disingenuous, and opportunistic politicians and celebrities who turn their personal problems and the problems of others into self-indulgent money making business opportunities. And if you don't believe me, then watch his television show, or listen to his radio show, or read one of his books, or purchase a ticket to one of his live shows, where he is sure to delve into his personal story as a former alcoholic who got clean, got married, and then re-discovered religion. Beck's call for an end to political correctness carries a lot of weight, especially since he is a member of the group for whom political correctness has affected the most, the white Christian male population.

Celebrity Resemblance: Barney Rubble, but less human.

Drinking game: Chug a beer every time he complains about the Republican party, then endorses every single one of their candidates.

If He Were A 90s Band, He'd Be: Everclear, then Creed.

Douche-o-meter: 6 O'Reillys

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/8/collegehumor.06098b8bb7a6234c386249d817f7bddb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-30 17:30:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072">Conor McKeon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:529"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 143 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763710 A Guide to the Presidential Candidates, By My 13 Year-Old Cousin Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:36:28 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763710 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
JOHN MCCAIN (THE OLD ONE) - Okay, so this guy keeps talking about how he's "Maverick," just like Mel Gibson in that one movie (can't remember what it was called). Was the movie based on him? Probably, the dude is like a million and could have easily been alive and playing poker in the Old West. So he likes to play poker just like Phil Hellmuth, who is a total douche. I for one don't want a total douche to be president. Plus we already had a cowboy president, and look how that turned out (I can't remember. I think it went badly though.) And, even though it's not his fault, he can't raise his arms above his head. So, if the Russian president came over and they were playing Halo 3 and the Russian president got a triple kill and he put his hand up for a high five, McCain would have to sigh and shake his head "No way, Jose" and leave him hanging. Then the Russian president would get really upset and probably nuke us. That would suck.
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/8/collegehumor.6eb639fd06721655a3e45cf8154fb0a4.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-21 13:36:28 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923">Andrew B.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 23 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763509 Ready, AIM News Fri, 17 Oct 2008 14:58:19 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763509 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/5/collegehumor.410f4f84538571c78218e93585c6a5bb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-17 14:58:19 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877">CH Staff</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 61 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762681 The Final Presidential Debate Tue, 30 Sep 2008 12:15:35 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762681 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
The Dow has dropped another 9000 points, meaning anyone who owns stock now owes the companies. Problem solved!
Moderator: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here in a makeshift hut near the radiation-soaked remains of Washington, D.C. for the final 2008 Presidential Debate. I am joined by Senator Obama and Senator McCain. Welcome. Opening statements, gentlemen?

McCain: My opponent, Senator Obama, is still supporting "hope." As is clear, there is no hope left. He is completely out of touch.

Obama: With all due respect, Senator, there is some untapped hope left. I found a stale grain of rice a few days ago, and it has kept my family nourished for days.

McCain: Senator Obama is an elitist. While he was feasting on a grain of rice, what were the rest of us eating? That's right: each other. I had to eat Karl Rove this morning, and he was alive throughout most of it. Yet Senator Obama has voted against cannibalism no less than three times!

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/8/collegehumor.6eb639fd06721655a3e45cf8154fb0a4.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-09-30 12:15:35 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923">Andrew B.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 27 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1752446 Famous Presidential Quotes, Translated Fri, 04 Apr 2008 12:04:10 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1752446 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> George W. Bush
Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.
F*ck you, Switzerland.

Abraham Lincoln
Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
All men are equally superior to women.

George Washington
I cannot tell a lie.
How do you know I'm not lying to you right now?
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1021902"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.2db53d48c6234727bba1571f6fc0ac6d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-04 12:04:10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1021902">Tommy Wilder</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:511"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 169 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1745287 I Have an Idea That Will Solve Everything Wed, 28 Nov 2007 18:03:08 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1745287 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> With the presidential elections looming just a horse pregnancy away, the candidates are ignoring the real problems and instead focusing on the same old divisive issues, from gun control to which Back to the Future film is the best (“3, and f*ck all of you.” –Mitt Romney, 9/21/07).

It’s clear that having to consider multiple issues at once causes voter brain freeze (a fact that led Friedrich Nietzsche to famously deem politics “the Slurpee of the masses,” adding “and Blue Raspberry is always broken”). One candidate can’t satisfy everybody, and that’s why I’m proposing that we elect four presidents: The President of Abortions, The President of Guns, The President of Gays, and The President of Everything Else.

The President of Abortions will wield full power over America’s fetuses. When he says “Jump,” they’ll say “But we’re fetuses.” His responsibility will be to either uphold or overturn Roe v. Wade in his first week in office, then spend a 1,453-day “lame duck” period acting righteous about his choice at meetings and dinner parties.
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-28 18:03:08 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 123 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720396 This Just In: JFK Is Still Dead! Wed, 21 Feb 2007 16:03:24 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720396 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
[upload:920219:small:left:New footage shows JFK still didn't know what hit 'em!]Essentially, Jeffries sat on never-before-seen archival footage of one of the most important moments in American history, and didn’t think to reveal it until his son-in-law (Wayne Graham) persuaded him to hand it over. Can you imagine that conversation? I would think, it would go, a little something, like THIS:

Jeffries: So... Elizabeth tells me you’re in law school.

Graham: Yes.

Jeffries: That’s very good. When I was your age I had no such professional aspirations.

Graham: What was your passion, sir?

Jeffries: I would video tape events.

Graham: Really? Anything of note?

Jeffries:  Nope.

Graham: Nothing... I would have heard of?
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-21 16:03:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 28 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1716909 Overheard at the DNC: Jan '07 Mon, 29 Jan 2007 10:04:11 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1716909 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> "OK, so here’s the deal. This ’08 election is gonna be a slam dunk. The Republicans have proven they can’t lead the country; Bush has the lowest approval rating since Nixon during Watergate. As long as we play it safe, there is no possible way we can lose this thing. So, any ideas?"

"Oooh, how about we run a woman for President?"

"I like where you’re going with that. Sounds like a safe bet."

"What about a black guy?"

"Even better."

"But what if he doesn’t have a lot of foreign policy experience?"

"No problem. We’ll just find a black guy whose name rhymes with both 'Iraq' and 'Osama.' That way, when the average American voter hears it, the first thing they’ll think is “foreign policy experience.”

"White House here we come!"
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:224"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.92022fc4e06fb5ae48c7a7b69d3179e1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-29 10:04:11 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:224">Ricky Van Veen</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1120"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 60 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725084 A Political Debate With My Stoner Roommate Fri, 30 Mar 2007 12:55:02 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725084 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Affirmative Action

Hey.  Hey, Doug.  Wake up.
Huh?  Wha?
Wake up.  We're going to have a political debate.
We are?
Yup.
...Why?
Because.  Come on, get up.
...
Doug
...
DOUG.  C'mon, I'll get you something off the Wendy's dollar menu.
JBC?
Yeah, sure
...arrite, what's up?
We're having a political debate.
We are?
Yeah.
Well, I think it should be legalized.  A 1998 study showed that when compared with alcoh-
No, no, not about that, Doug.
Wait... what?

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8131"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/b/collegehumor.1227666bde5ffee443178ceb5e3a762f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8131">Sean Curry</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:219"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738529 How the Far Left Imagines a Conservative Family and Vice Versa Tue, 14 Aug 2007 19:03:31 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738529 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> How the Far Left Imagines a Conservative Family

Husband: Mmmm, honey, these oil burgers are great! Did you add something to the recipe?

Wife: Um, not really, I put a little Sudanese baby blood in the rub, but other than that, they’re the same.

Husband: I should have known! I love Sudanese baby blood. It's delicious.

Son: Mom, can I fill my Super Soaker with hairspray and squirt the sun after dinner?

Wife: I don't know, can you?

Son: MAY I fill my Super Soaker with hairspray and squirt the sun?

Wife: Oh, I suppose. If you see that pesky, majestic Bald Eagle, make sure you squirt him. That bitch.

Husband: Hey sweetie, did you iron my Klan hood?

Wife: Yes, it’s hanging on your gun rack, next to your King James Bible and your pile of empty domestic beer cans. Nascar, incest.

(The son rubs oil and redwood leaves all over his bare testicles)

Husband: SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

Son: Sorry Dad, I just love depleting resources so much, and I thought that maybe I could share that passion with my future kids (smiles sheepishly)

Husband: Ha, it’s okay. Come on, let’s go obsess over college sports and masturbate to pictures of Ronald Reagan.

Wife: I love my boys
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/5/collegehumor.c167be55ac734f21a9c0bb059430c7f3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1101869">Steve E.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:437"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 161 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />