Tom Cockplenty growing by the second at the AVN's

It's not the Golden Globes or the People's Choice Awards - it's the AVN Adult Video Awards in Las Vegas.

The AVN's are like the Oscars of porn. With nearly 100 categories including best group-sex scene and best big-bust series, the AVN's is an event where the stars of today shine - and the stars of tomorrow are born.

This is the reason I'm sitting on a plane traveling from Minneapolis to Las Vegas.

I've decided that it's time for me to realize one of my life-long dreams and become the next great male porn star.

With only 24 hours to launch myself into superstardom, I know that I'll need to get an early start. It's Friday night and I check myself into the hotel, have a few drinks and head off to bed to rest up for rise to greatness.

In short, we would like to ask you to please remove yourself from all future pornographic videos. For your convenience, we will specifically state in this letter what we'd like you to stop doing immediately.

We would appreciate it if you would refrain from talking throughout the duration of the film. Your husky, raspy voice is unwelcome, and actually quite creepy.

Furthermore, it's quite difficult to maintain an erection when we hear your continuous, unsolicted commenting inregards to how "hot and wet" the girl is. We are accutely aware that the girl is "hot" and have come to the conclusion that she will eventually be "wet", since we are in fact tuning in to watch this pornographic video. Needless to say, you're simply stating the obvious. The exclusion of your ongoing commentary would be greatly appreciated.

You're also not funny. At all. Please avoid trying to make jokes, you couldn't make it as a comedian, that's why you're videotaping people having sex. We've come for the porn, plain and simple.

1. I realize you like hardcore pornography.  Who doesn't?  However, not having the internet at home is no excuse for watching it in a public setting, like a library, or a school computer lab for example.  I recommend you buy a magazine or rent a movie and enjoy in the privacy of your own home.
2. Headphones aren't good enough. Just because you're the only one who can hear it doesn't make it invisible. Honestly, there's 14 people sitting behind you.
3. No, looking at just photos of people f*cking isn't acceptable either.  DVDA on your screen makes it hard for me to concentrate on my Psych paper, no matter what the medium.