CollegeHumor: Religion Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776683 Evolution vs. Creationism Simplified Mon, 15 Jun 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776683 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

EVOLUTION, as understood by a Creationist:

A few hundred years ago, deep in the jungle, a girl monkey goes into labor.

Monkey Boyfriend: You can do it, sweetie.

With a loud monkey noise, she gives birth.

Monkey Doctor: It's a new species!

Monkey Boyfriend: We'll call it humans. 

An elderly fish enters, pats the chimpanzee on the back.

Fish: I'm proud of you, son.

Monkey Boyfriend: Thanks, dad.

(SIDE NOTE: The monkeys are not married.)

Years later, the human boy is cornered by some predators.

Human boy: Crap. Better evolution-ize.

The boy evolves some laser eyes, or possibly wings. He easily defeats all the predators. 
 
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/e/collegehumor.19dc6c6166e28b864a1f0ece84a80bf0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-15 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106">Ben Joseph</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 437 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788598 How God Really Feels About Gay Sex Wed, 29 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788598 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
The Garden of Eden, day ten or so.

God: Adam, there's something we need to talk about.

Adam: Sure, what's up?

God: It's about sex.

Adam: Oh sex! I meant to thank you for that. Great invention. Use it all the time. In your top five, for sure.

God: I'm actually not talking about sex with Eve - I'm talking about sex with someone like yourself.

Adam: Ah, that? Sorry, sometimes I'm alone, or Eve's not in themood, and I have to make do. In fact, since you removed that rib, I canalmost reach it with my mo-

God: No! No, I'm not talking about that. I meant about sex with another one of my creations, who I also made as a male.

Adam: Who? The snake? The angel with the flaming sword? Because youalready told me the animals were a no fly zone, and I'm not even surethe winged dude is into that kind of thing.

God: Look, one day, you and Eve will procreate, creatingnations of both women and men. It may come to pass that a man, like yourself, may lie with another man, and I just wanted to let you know that-
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/e/collegehumor.19dc6c6166e28b864a1f0ece84a80bf0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-29 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106">Ben Joseph</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 53 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788389 The First Evangelist Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788389 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Cave man or man of God? Depending on which one you ask, the other one doesn't exist.
Gog:  Good morning, Flock!  Have you heard the good news?

Flock:  What good news?

Gog:  About how we all came into existence.

Flock:  What do you mean?  I thought we all fell out of our mothers' crotch flaps.

Gog:  Well, that's true, but what about the first of us?

Flock:  I never thought about it, could they have fallen out of a monkey's crotch flap?

Gog:  No, Flock, don't be an idiot.  Let me tell you about the first two people ever.

Flock:  Maybe some other time, I really need to get back to smashing this rock with my club ---

Gog:  "The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and into his nostrils breathed life, and he became a living being."

Flock:  You expect me to believe a man was made out of dust and not from a crotch flap?  What was his woman made from, a mastodon turd?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-22 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777811 Guide to Campus Church Groups Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777811 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2047881"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/b/collegehumor.4537c43749687f37fcbda9fbb1a7c541.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-17 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:2047881">James Embry</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:150"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 23 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751016 Christian Convenience Store Sat, 11 Apr 2009 16:27:55 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751016 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:856057"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/8/collegehumor.cb1e61e2d15f28deb56dc3e8c078646e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-11 16:27:55 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:856057">Derek Walborn</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2079 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764534 5 Celebrity Buddhists That Will Never Reach Nirvana Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764534 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Buddhism is definitely not the trendiest of Hollywood religions. Scientology has evil alien overlords, Kabbalah has trendy red-string bracelets and Buddhism has a renouncement of material things and peace and love for all living creatures. It doesn't seem to fit.

So you would assume that the celebrities that are followers of Buddha would actually be less inclined to be batshit insane. You would be wrong.

For you heathens out there here's a quick primer on Nirvana. It is a place(or feeling) of total enlightenment. For Buddhists it means that they won't have to undergo reincarnation anymore and instead become one with the universe.

#5 Richard Gere

Golden globe winner and famous for making Julia Roberts famous, Richard Gere is also a well known Buddhist. He regularly campaigns for a free Tibet and respect for all religions.

So, why won't he be reaching Nirvana?

Well first off there's a minor fact that Richard Gere got a divorce from a piece of heaven on earth, Cindy Crawford.

And not Cindy Crawford when she's 40 (and still extremely hot). He split from Cindy Crawford when she was 29 and doing Pepsi commercials that caused more kids' early puberty than any growth hormone has ever done.

But the karmic interview board will probably let that one slide since Gere did end up marrying a bond girl.

The real tragedy is the rumors that plagued Gere during the 80's and 90's about a certain incident that never actually happened.

Gere and a male "friend" were engaged in some friendly anal penetration. But it got boring and they decided to spice things up by adding an empty toilet paper role and a gerbil. The gerbil gets "stuck" in a dark, warm and scary place on (or rather, in) either Richard's or his friend's ass. 

The other partner gets a lighter to try and coax the rodent out and ends up lighting some ass gas which sends out a gerbil bullet that gives the guy with the lighter a concussion and facial burns while the other participant has his ass in flames.

While the rumor is completely, 100% untrue, it still creeps up in conversation (and comedy articles) to this day.

And I imagine that even the all seeing eye of the universe would be leery of letting Richard into the ecstasy of Nirvana right now. 

Likely to be reincarnated as: A gerbil.  We all pay for our sins, real or rumored.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1344815"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/6/collegehumor.e4e7fc813448bffc7486fe36c8b7867a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-05 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1344815">Jonathan Kimak</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 41 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763421 If The Bible Had Comments Wed, 15 Oct 2008 13:53:59 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763421 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-15 13:53:59 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 236 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:247200 The Ten Commandments of College Mon, 05 Apr 2004 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:247200 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Student was searching for divine inspiration. Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God. Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is. And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.

I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.

II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.

III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild...in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping...in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.

IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school's logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2004-04-05 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1378 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758668 Modern Bible Mon, 07 Jul 2008 23:18:40 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758668 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Jesus and the Leper, Mark 1:40-47
...40 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, if though wilt, thou canst make me clean.  41 And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and saith unto him, I will; dost thou have insurance? 42 And the leper saith unto him, Yes. I have Empire Blue Cross.  43 And Jesus asked of the leper, Dost thou have the PPO or the HMO? 44 And the leper saith unto him, I have the HMO. 45 And Jesus saith unto him, I am sorry, my child, but heal you I cannot, for I only accept Empire Blue Cross' PPO plan.  46 And the leper wept, but Jesus saith unto him, Perhaps another messiah will be along who accepts your plan.  47 And he sent the leper away from him. 

Jesus Enters Jerusalem, Matthew 21:10-21
10 When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, "Who is this?" 11The crowds answered, "This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee." 12 And the soldier at the gate saith unto him, Halt, for thy needeth the proper scrolls to enter into the city. 13 And Jesus felt along his robe and professed, Good soldier, I cannot believe this but I fear I have misplaced my scroll at this time.  But, I assure you I am the Nazarene for whom the crowd cries.  14 The soldier saith unto him, I believe you but I am under orders to collect scrolls from all who enter this city. 15 Jesus protested but the soldier could not be persuaded to stand down. 16 And the soldier saith unto Jesus, You should never leave your village without your scroll. 17 And Jesus saith back unto him, I swear upon my Father, I did not. 18 And then Jesus asked how long until a new scroll could be prepared for him. 19 And the soldier saith unto him, Six to eight weeks, as the cock crows. 20 Then Jesus shook his head and saith unto himself, Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. 21 And he rode back into the desert from whence he came, shaking his head still. 
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-07 23:18:40 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 191 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723112 Mormon, Mo' Problems Wed, 14 Mar 2007 18:01:24 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723112 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>  
1. Avoid eye contact at all costs. Look down and walk as close as you can behind another person. Missionaries, like recently revived coma patients, tend to latch onto the first person they see.

2. Always wear headphones. If they’re not attached to anything, sing along to your imaginary song while you walk. If they ask what you're listening to, say something like "Mormon Mo' Problems" by Mormon Moe and the Moanin' Mormons.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:112935"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.e777cf00f75aeb5d26df0a731c192974.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:112935">Rambo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:396"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 22 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />