Early Rounds
The guys who end up with Adrian Peterson and Drew Brees are as happy as pigs in sh*t, while those who have to talk themselves into Frank Gore in the first round have already begun writing off their season in their heads. All of the studs get snapped up in mostly logical order. However, there are always hilarious exceptions, like Joseph Addai going in the first round. Don't you realize he is injury prone AND splitting carries? It's not 2006 anymore.

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are...

Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby.

Much like the relationship between Colbert and Stewart, rarely does a conversation about Sidney Crosby not include some mention of Alex Ovechkin, and history will undoubtedly judge these 2 in comparison with one another. While some have taken solid stances in favor of one or the other, most agree that the real point is that they are equally exceptional. Recently, they've begun a string of dominance during awards season, in terms of both nominations and victories, and its safe to say they will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Also like Stewart and Colbert, Crosby and Ovechkin find themselves performing on networks that don't provide nearly enough exposure for their vast talents, and all four have become household names despite relatively low ratings. Crosby is the most like Stewart, a cerebral talent who makes everyone around him better despite lack of ideal size, and critics of both claim they are too soft. Ovechkin, like Colbert, is a brash and in-your face persona whom critics say place too much focus on themselves.

"I miss my Ty's... And my ties. And Mai Tais."

Ethan: As someone who picked Michigan State to lose in the second round, I found Monday night's title game very validating. "See? They were never all that good!" What the heck happened there?

Amir: What happened was a team of future NBA players playing better than a team of people who look pretty good in forest green. The game raised many questions though, mainly "How in the world did they beat UConn?"

Ethan: There's something magical about Tom Izzo, I guess. Which makes sense given that when you see him talking to a player, it looks like a garden gnome having a conversation with an adult.

Amir: I just feel bad for freshman Ed Davis. He's gonna come back to school next year without any friends. "...where is everybody?" "They're all millionaires now, Ed. Now go to class."

Ethan: What, you're thinking a bench player from a Carolina team that wins the title can't be a millionaire next year? The Hawks are probably trying to trade up to draft him.

Amir: Leave Marvin Williams alone. He's about to blossom into an All-Star any season now.

Angel McCoughtry has the Lady Cards looking forward. POWER Forward.

Ethan: Did I see it? Don't be ridiculous! I was in the arena watching it live. How about some of those grudge matches, too? Portland-Portland State?! There's no love lost there!

Amir: That's what separates the WNIT from the actual tournament -- real teams, real matchups. What's so fun watching an undefeated UConn team destroy their competition? Really quick about that battle of the Portland's game: Claire Faucher was a beast in the paint. I mean... wow.

Ethan: And this Final Four is just amazing. I mean, look at the names: Illinois State's there for crying out loud. No way Kristi Cirone doesn't make her presence felt under the bright lights. Plus, South Florida's Lady Bulls are there. I know some people say that Lady Bulls are actually just cows, but they'll change their tunes once they see Jessica Lawson ball.

Amir: There is no chalk in this tournament, only cindarellas. And guess what? The slipper still fits.

Ethan: So things get serious tonight. It's win or go home. Who ya got: Kansas @ Illinois State and South Florida @ Boston College?

Amir: It's tough to go against BC just because they're so physical and so long... but South Florida, (their opening round OT thriller not withstanding) has shown me something, so I'm going to go against vegas and pick USF in an upset. The other game is too close to call at this point.

Ethan: Too close to call? The Lady Jayhawks are playing at home, man, and they've got Danielle McCray. You know she was an All-America regional honoree, right? I mean, are you kidding me? Too close to call? I'm starting to wonder if you even watch the women's NIT.

Amir: This just means the selection committee members are getting better at their job. You think they have tourney pools and just pick no upsets?

This is Devendorf celebrating a made free throw.

Amir: I love villains, so he's actually becoming my FAVORITE player. I want a poster of him yelling on the scorers table before his last second shot against U-Conn was overturned.

Ethan: I want for him to play an entire game one-handed while using the other to pop the front of his jersey. After seeing the first weekend of action, who do you like to win the title now?

Amir: Obviously a #1 seed, as there will be no upsets. Isn't Louisville the number one overall? I guess them.

Amir: Then we'll be finally ready for some April Madness!

This is the happiest photo of Mike D'Antoni coaching the Knicks we could find

Amir: Probably the ACC. You know, I caught half of the Maryland-Wake Forest game last week, and even the mediocre teams in that conference can put up a fight! Anything is possible.

Ethan: Maryland's mediocre? That's a Greivis insult to the Terps' skills, sir. I'm with you on the ACC being the best tournament, though, followed by the Big East and the Big 12. (The SEC came in just behind the Patriot League in my rankings) Who do you like in the ACC? I want to say Wake, but UNC looks too tough.

Amir: Yeah I like UNC to win the whole thing, so I'm definitely picking them to win the ACC tourney. Ty Lawson reminds me of a collegiate Jay Williams, sans motorcycle.

Ethan: One last ACC question: is this Duke team ugly even by Duke standards? Singler, Scheyer, Paulus...this is a real pack of mutants.

Amir: I'm not going to get involved in your tobacco road muckraking. I think all basketball teams are equally (un)attractive. I'm just excited to start hearing names like College of Charleston, Belmont, and Weber State again. Spring has sprung!

Ethan: You mean you haven't been following Siena all season?

Amir: Too busy rooting for Coppin State... sorry.

What the hell was that, BC?

Folks, storming the court is an ART FORM. You can't just go out there, throw caution to the wind, and expect to be on the end of your school's segment on SportsCenter! In my never-ending mission to make the world a better place, I've decided to list some handy tips and tricks to make your next court-storming a success.

Rule No. 1: Be a leader, not a follower.

FSU's student section is called The 'Nole Zone, and is close to the court so all the diaper dandies can hear us armchair 2-guards let them know what we think. If you have a similar section in your gym, note that this makes for a great place to be one of the first onto the court! Don't wait for everyone else to get out there. Be a good fan, and lead the charge like Leonidas into the Battle of Thermopylae (the plot of that 300 movie, for you social science majors out there.)

Who said Ray Lewis didn't intimidate on Super Bowl Sunday? This is frightening.

Ethan: Commercial fans were disappointed? Speak for yourself. I was just sitting here wondering what in the hell I was going to do with all this used gold jewelry I've got sitting around.

Amir: And I was wondering if Danica Patrick's morals were for sale. Turns out they are.

Ethan: Can we go ahead and clear this up, though: that was a great game, but not the best Super Bowl ever. Or even the best in the last 12 months.

Amir: Maybe the best fourth quarter ever, but not the best Superbowl. Most underrated moment: James Harrison beating the crap out of Arizona's Aaron Francisco. My God, I was only watching on TV but I was still scared for my life.

Ethan: Watching James Harrison run that TD back was incredible. Is there anything better than watching a huge person try to outrun someone?

Mitch Berger can punt your 401k back into the black. If you bet correctly.

Amir: See this is a classic example of somebody only doing half the research. Graham is a former Aussie rules football player and you know what the temperature is going to be like in Tampa this week? A Melbourne-esque 71. That's the type of humidity Graham needs to feel at home. Take the favorite here boys, trust me.

Length of the National Anthem: Over/Under 2 min and 3 seconds

Ethan: Jennifer Hudson's going to be a dream girl for anyone who takes the over here. After all that's happened to her this year, there's no way she doesn't get a little choked up and add some vocal flair to this anthem. The smart money's on her stretching out that last note in "the land of the free" to at least 13 seconds. This one's a star-spangled lock.

Amir: I hate agreeing with you, so I'll one up you. This one is the lock of the millenium! I'm going to put my kids through college by betting the over here, and not only that, they're going to have a 19 meal-a-week plan. That attention monger is gonna make sure she's getting her face time. You can't buy that publicity -- though at the rate of Superbowl commercials, it'll be worth roughly ten million dollars.

Kurt Warner Super Bowl XXXIV -148.5 (-105) yards vs. Kurt Warner Super Bowl XLIII +148.5 (-125)

Ethan: Gotta go with this year's Kurt Warner over the 2000 Super Bowl Kurt Warner. Why? Because it's the same guy. He's not a day older. Jesus, people, how many times do you have to be told that Kurt Warner OWNS A TIME MACHINE before you finally listen? That graying hair is the most half-assed disguise ever. And now you want to bet AGAINST Warner's abilities to bend the space-time continuum to his own greedy whims? Why not just throw your money away?

Kurt Warner and Eli Manning hanging out during halftime of a Giants game back in 2004.

Ethan: God's probably thinking the same thing most NFL GMs were: if you get Kurt, you're stuck with Brenda, too. Are we headed for a classic Kurt Warner 5-turnover meltdown?

Amir: I thought we call those classic Jake Delhomme 6-turnover meltdowns now.

"You play to win the game! Twice in the last 19 weeks!"

Ethan: Do you think there's any way Texas dodges a bullet here? In all likelihood, Oklahoma pounds Missouri, but Missouri is also a very good team. (Loss to Kansas notwithstanding.)

Amir: Not gonna happen. Oklahoma didn't make it this far just to blow it. Here's my question, if Alabama loses a close one to Florida... are they still the best one loss team? And if so, would we see a rematch?!

Ethan: No rematch, but Alabama's incredibly good. They were so much better than Auburn that the Iron Bowl started to get boring in the second quarter. Plus, "John Parker Wilson" is a name that means you're destined to be the successful QB at Bama. It's like the exact opposite of "Freddie Kitchens." Why is no one giving Bama a chance against Florida?

Amir: Two words: No Idea. Wait, I mean, Tim Tebow. Alabama's strength of schedule is also 94th. Face it, they're the Ball State of the SEC and you know it.

Ethan: It's not Bama's fault. They tried to play a hard schedule; they had no way of knowing that road games at Clemson, Arkansas, Georgia, and LSU wouldn't be so impressive at the end of the year. Do you think that somewhere in the country there's a person, be it a fan, coach, or player, who thinks the BCS is a great idea and fully supports it?

Amir: If their game against Webber International is any indication, and it is not, then no!

Meyer has been preparing for Florida's next game all week by shooting PSA posters

Amir: Jokes on you, 49ers! Why isn't Mike Singletary laughing? If you could choose any two teams to play in the championship game, who would it be? Keep in mind, you can't choose Wake Forest.

Ethan: At this point I prefer not watching Wake...it's sort of painful. I think the best game to watch would be Texas Tech-Florida. Those two offenses are both fun to watch. I do, however, enjoy a good Texas game, just to watch Mack Brown go berserk on the sideline. BoDog's offering 8:1 odds that his head will explode before the seaon's over.

Amir: Take it, and parlay that with the over of any game Tech plays this year. Oddly enough my choice is a game that's happening anyway. Citadel/Florida. Bowl game idea: The Unrespected Undefeated Bowl. This year could be Utah vs. Ball State!

Ethan: Can Boise State play winner?

Amir: "hey just need to sign up ahead of time. It's a very lax bowl game.

Ethan:This is why we need a small-conference playoff system, people! Thank God President Obama's already on the case. If he really wants to fix sports, though, he'll appoint Bud Selig to a cabinet position to get him out of MLB's offices. Come on, Barack: just appoint Selig to something. Doesn't have to be anything important. Secretary of State will do. Diplomats will love making fun of his haircut!

Amir: Sorry, Hilary is the front runner, and she's got a haircut people are already making fun of.

Ethan: Let's pick the big games: Who are you taking in Texas Tech-Oklahoma this weekend? What about BYU-Utah and Michigan State-Penn State?

This is JoePa reacting to election results. He voted for Polk.

Ethan: Well, at least he's got a Rose Bowl bid coming if he wins out. This weekend definitely was the high point of the college football season for me so far because I love a good effigy-burning. Take that, Nick Saban! Does it just add insult to more insults that Alabama actually won?

Amir: It must feel good to be Saban, walk into a stadium of 93,000 people who hate you, and ruin their day. It's like the opposite of a really big pep rally.

Ethan: Texas Tech as a bye week. That means Graham Harrell will probably only throw for 400 yards and 4 TDs, right?

Amir: Are college football quarterbacks this good ever great in the NFL? Doesn't he know he's only setting himself up for a Tim-Couch esque let down?

Rays get thirty assistants to help raise the biggest white flag in World Series history.

Ethan: Just play this bad boy in Independence Hall and call it a day. Pedro Feliz is a great fielder at third, but can he make a play behind Ben Franklin's chair? I wish Fox had never ended their broadcast and Tim McCarver was just still on the air incoherently rambling for two days. "Now, you talk about clutch....God, I'm so hungry...now that's what players call 'a cement mixer,' Joe..."

Amir:So who does this layoff help more: The Phillies, the Rays, or Weather.com?

Ethan: The Rays. Hamels was dealing in that game, and now he's out of it, I'd guess. Plus, the Rays got to spend two days in fabulous Wilmington, Delaware. It's lovely in autumn. You still have to like Philly to win that game, though, if only because they've got 12 outs to burn while the Rays only have nine. Let's ask Tim McCarver what he thinks.

Tim McCarver: Cement mixer!

Ethan: Insightful as always. Do you think Ed Hochuli has a future as an MLB ump if this whole NFL thing falls through?