CollegeHumor: Target Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734999 Awesome Bedding for an Awesome Dude Wed, 27 Jun 2007 17:05:43 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734999 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> This is it. This is the perfect bedding to get for my dorm room. It's classy. It's comfortable. It's black. It's satin. It's satin. It's satin. Did I just say that three times? God I'm excited. Everyone thinks they're so creative for getting denim or t-shirt material bedding, but they're all just fools. That stuff is still just a variation of cotton-based synthetics. It's a known fact that every cotton-based synthetic wishes it were a bad-ass piece of jet black satin. I can't believe I found this in the clearance bin at Target. Sweet, when I get this bedding on my mattress I'm going to be classy enough to start pronouncing it Tar-Jay, like I'm French or something. And then girls are going to think I'm French. I can't remember if being French is popular, but with sheets like this, who gives a f*ck.
   
Oh yeah, this bedding is going to be a babe magnet. Because it's black like a magnet. And satin. Like a magnet. When babes come and see my room for the first time they'll ask for the tour, and on the tour, when I'm showing all them honeys my bed, I'll say, "This is where the magic happens." I heard Shaq say that one time on Cribs. So smooth. Like satin. That's what I'll be. And then the magic will happen. I just know it. Who can deny the sexy powers of luxury bedding? No one, that's who. Yeah. I'm so clever. No wonder my mom finally let me go and do my own dorm room shopping.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/4/collegehumor.8879997c887ae4b37f766c44f2de531f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-27 17:05:43 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:945989">Susanna Wolff</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:53"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 24 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734510 The Mother from "Hush Little Baby" Makes Some Returns At Target Thu, 21 Jun 2007 16:25:56 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734510 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hi. I hate to be a bother, but yesterday I purchased this large-billed mockingbird, and it wasn’t quite what I expected. No, it doesn’t sing at all. So, if it’s not too much of a hassle, I guess I’ll make an even exchange for the next best thing – this 4-karat diamond ring. Oh, yes, I can pay the additional $52,400. He’s a very picky baby.

So I bought this diamond ring yesterday afternoon, and gave it to my baby. It’s none of your business “why.” The point is that when I woke up this morning, it was brass. How does that even happen? I didn’t pay $52,400 for my diamond to go reverse Rumpelstiltskin. You know what? Just give me a looking glass. My baby is not going to be happy about this.

Okay, hi. The looking glass broke. I think what did it was my baby’s high-pitched agonized scream when he realized he was getting a mirror instead of that 4-karat diamond. Do babies even like anything other than mockingbirds and diamonds? Get me a Billy Goat from the Goat aisle. No, I don’t need any gruff with that. Jesus Christ.

I have a question. What use does my baby have for a Billy Goat that won’t pull? Obviously you have not met my baby. My baby has a large collection of heavy metal objects, and he needs them continuously relocated. You think he can do it himself? He’s a Goddamn baby! So I’d like to exchange the goat for this cart and bull. My baby has goods to be transported, and he doesn’t have all day.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-21 16:25:56 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 76 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />