CollegeHumor: The Bible Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788598 How God Really Feels About Gay Sex Wed, 29 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788598 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
The Garden of Eden, day ten or so.

God: Adam, there's something we need to talk about.

Adam: Sure, what's up?

God: It's about sex.

Adam: Oh sex! I meant to thank you for that. Great invention. Use it all the time. In your top five, for sure.

God: I'm actually not talking about sex with Eve - I'm talking about sex with someone like yourself.

Adam: Ah, that? Sorry, sometimes I'm alone, or Eve's not in themood, and I have to make do. In fact, since you removed that rib, I canalmost reach it with my mo-

God: No! No, I'm not talking about that. I meant about sex with another one of my creations, who I also made as a male.

Adam: Who? The snake? The angel with the flaming sword? Because youalready told me the animals were a no fly zone, and I'm not even surethe winged dude is into that kind of thing.

God: Look, one day, you and Eve will procreate, creatingnations of both women and men. It may come to pass that a man, like yourself, may lie with another man, and I just wanted to let you know that-
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/e/collegehumor.19dc6c6166e28b864a1f0ece84a80bf0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-29 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106">Ben Joseph</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 53 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788389 The First Evangelist Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788389 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Cave man or man of God? Depending on which one you ask, the other one doesn't exist.
Gog:  Good morning, Flock!  Have you heard the good news?

Flock:  What good news?

Gog:  About how we all came into existence.

Flock:  What do you mean?  I thought we all fell out of our mothers' crotch flaps.

Gog:  Well, that's true, but what about the first of us?

Flock:  I never thought about it, could they have fallen out of a monkey's crotch flap?

Gog:  No, Flock, don't be an idiot.  Let me tell you about the first two people ever.

Flock:  Maybe some other time, I really need to get back to smashing this rock with my club ---

Gog:  "The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and into his nostrils breathed life, and he became a living being."

Flock:  You expect me to believe a man was made out of dust and not from a crotch flap?  What was his woman made from, a mastodon turd?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-22 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776078 The 'One Hit Wonder' Ten Commandments Fri, 22 May 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776078 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/8/collegehumor.06098b8bb7a6234c386249d817f7bddb.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-22 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1657072">Conor McKeon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:529"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 46 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764710 The Facebook of Genesis Tue, 11 Nov 2008 18:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764710 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/8/collegehumor.6eb639fd06721655a3e45cf8154fb0a4.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-11 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1549923">Andrew B.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1098 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763966 Leap Frog Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763966 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1687126"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.368a9ee9d08f62ea65b757bfd5f83680.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-30 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1687126">Fatawesome</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 63 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763617 The First Sex Talk Sun, 19 Oct 2008 18:11:31 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763617 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
"This may get awkward for your kids."

God nervously paces back and forth in front of Adam and Eve.

God: We need to talk. You've both have been alive for a full three weeks now, and you may have started to notice certain, um, urges when you're around each other.

The two stare blankly.

God: Let me start over. You know the birds and the bees?

Adam: I named them both. So?

God: You're right, that metaphor doesn't help or even make sense. To try another tack - there are only two of you. What if we wanted more?

Adam: I guess you could take another of my ribs, but that really hurt and now I whistle when I breathe.

God: Right! Well, if you love each other very much and decide to spend the rest of your lives with each other-

Eve: As opposed to whom?

God: Here, the angels gave me these diagrams. Maybe they help?
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/e/collegehumor.19dc6c6166e28b864a1f0ece84a80bf0.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-19 18:11:31 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:34106">Ben Joseph</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 340 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763421 If The Bible Had Comments Wed, 15 Oct 2008 13:53:59 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763421 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-15 13:53:59 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 236 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758668 Modern Bible Mon, 07 Jul 2008 23:18:40 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758668 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Jesus and the Leper, Mark 1:40-47
...40 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, if though wilt, thou canst make me clean.  41 And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and saith unto him, I will; dost thou have insurance? 42 And the leper saith unto him, Yes. I have Empire Blue Cross.  43 And Jesus asked of the leper, Dost thou have the PPO or the HMO? 44 And the leper saith unto him, I have the HMO. 45 And Jesus saith unto him, I am sorry, my child, but heal you I cannot, for I only accept Empire Blue Cross' PPO plan.  46 And the leper wept, but Jesus saith unto him, Perhaps another messiah will be along who accepts your plan.  47 And he sent the leper away from him. 

Jesus Enters Jerusalem, Matthew 21:10-21
10 When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, "Who is this?" 11The crowds answered, "This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee." 12 And the soldier at the gate saith unto him, Halt, for thy needeth the proper scrolls to enter into the city. 13 And Jesus felt along his robe and professed, Good soldier, I cannot believe this but I fear I have misplaced my scroll at this time.  But, I assure you I am the Nazarene for whom the crowd cries.  14 The soldier saith unto him, I believe you but I am under orders to collect scrolls from all who enter this city. 15 Jesus protested but the soldier could not be persuaded to stand down. 16 And the soldier saith unto Jesus, You should never leave your village without your scroll. 17 And Jesus saith back unto him, I swear upon my Father, I did not. 18 And then Jesus asked how long until a new scroll could be prepared for him. 19 And the soldier saith unto him, Six to eight weeks, as the cock crows. 20 Then Jesus shook his head and saith unto himself, Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. 21 And he rode back into the desert from whence he came, shaking his head still. 
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-07 23:18:40 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 191 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />