Eating alone is one of the saddest things a person can do.  It's pathetic, really; siting by yourself, gorging on easy mac in your underwear, passively watching an old South Park you've seen twenty times.  Hence our need to acquire friends to join us on culinary adventures.  And when one of these adventures leads us to a place where money must be exchanged for food, one friend becomes particularly invaluable.

[upload:1281400:small:left:Your Savior]On the surface he looks like your other friends: mildly overweight, funny but not hilarious, somewhat shaggy hair and an inexplicable interest in trains, maybe.  But underneath that unassuming shell beats the heart of a hero, a martyr even.  You see, he, my friends, is the Bill Martyr and his sacrifice is all of your gain.

Only when the server drops off the check will he spring into action.  As you all try in vain to calculate what is owed, craning your neck to see how much that Bloomin' Onion set you back, the Bill Martyr sits quietly.  Even as five and tens are tossed carelessly into a pot, he waits.  And then his all-encompassing hatred of math boils over and he sacrifices himself to the greater good of the table.

"Let's just put it on my card." he says quietly.  The action stops.