CollegeHumor: The Morning After 24 Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731644 The Morning After: 24 -- Finale Tue, 22 May 2007 02:07:14 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731644 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

It’s 4:00 am in post-quasiapocalyptic Los Angeles, meaning nobody’s up except for people with shitty jobs, stoners looking for Del Taco, and the cast of 24.  The situation is grim: Cheng’s getting his component fixed, the Russians are pissed, Josh is about to get shipped to China and probably get molested by Papa Bauer, and I have no idea what’s happened on Heroes since January.  Only three things give me hope: Milo is still dead, Nadia’s sticking with the tight black sweater, and Jack Bauer is on the motherfucking case. 

Jack starts the episode in CTU custody, but it’s the kind of custody where they let you call the White House and anyone else you want, so he calls everyone to explain that the plan to give up Josh to Dad Bauer for the component is fucked up.  Karen agrees and with some surprising finesse, gets CTU access and calls Buchanan for his help.  Buchanan is busy watching the FBI pack up his house, so he’s down with whatever. 
Buchanan springs Jack, and they’re off to fuck up the exchange.  Doyle, who apparently is not interested in Morris’ opinion on the situation, is hanging out with Josh at the beach.  When he’s informed that he’ll have to face Jack and Buchanan alone, his response is a hilariously unconvincing, “I’ll be fine.”  Do we drink when Doyle says, “Dammit!”?  Yes, yes we do.

At CTU, Marylin is freaking out, Nadia is somehow getting hotter as the day goes on, Chloe falls down a flight of stairs and finds out she’s pregnant, and Milo’s brother Stuart comes by to pick up his body.  I guess he didn’t want all of it, since he didn’t have a mop.

On the beach, Dad’s goons show up by boat, and hand Doyle what is supposed to be the component – and the thing blows up in his face!  Why didn’t they just shoot Doyle?  Who knows.  Jack and Buchanan arrive, but can’t shoot without risking Josh, and he’s spirited away.  Doyle is blind in one or both eyes, leaving the possibility in Day 7 of Doyle rocking an eye patch, which could either look very cool or totally ridiculous. 

Anyway, Josh gets taken to an offshore oil platform, which as we learned in Diamonds are Forever, is a great place for a final shootout.  Knowing that they’re low on time since Powers has promised the Russians he’ll blow the rig up with an airstrike (an odd choice which will leave him with no way of proving that the chip has been recovered), Buchanan and Jack take over with style, commandeering a chopper and heading out to the rig where Dad, Cheng, and their remaining henchmen are hanging out waiting for a Chinese sub.  The Chinese are smart enough to try to use cover as the chopper approaches, but are stupid enough to hide behind barrels that explode (what, they forgot to pirate Doom?), so a few shots from Jack are enough to blow most of these fuckers to hell and roast the left half of Cheng’s face.  Jack goes below to find Josh and kill everyone else. 
He’s a little late – Josh, who does not like movies about gladiators, is about to get thrown onto the raft thing again to meet the sub, but he takes a wrench and cracks Dad’s head open and takes his gun.  Dad is incorrect in his theory that Josh will not shoot him, and he is continually reminded of how wrong he was by the gaping hole in his chest for the rest of the show.  Jack talks Josh down, verbally abuses Dad, and with a Matrixy jump onto the chopper’s rope ladder, escapes the exploding rig with Buchanan, Josh, and New Crispy-style Cheng.  War is averted, Powers drops all charges against Karen and Buchanan, etc.

In a quality denouement, Jack jumps off the ladder before shore and runs off into the hills.  Cut to the Heller residence, where Jack sneaks up on Heller, whose body appears to be swelling at the same rate his old Yoda-head is shrinking.  Jack asks a tough but fair question about why the fuck Heller didn’t get him out of China, and I don’t think he ever got an adequate answer.  Jack’s idea is to take Audrey away and start over, and there isn’t much Heller can do except convince Jack that he can’t really give her a good life at this point.  Jack visits Audrey’s bedside, and surprisingly (1) does not get smacked on the head with a lamp by Heller and (2) tells Audrey he loves her and has to let her go.  Jack leaves the house by the wrong exit, winding up on the back porch looking out at the ocean.  Instead of leaping to his death or something, he stands there, fading to black and a silent countdown.  I assume he’s going to just walk the earth, like Kane in Kung Fu.

In the final analysis, it looks at first glance like Jack was putting himself ahead of the country for the first time, but it’s really not the case.  This country was built on guns, tits, and not taking crap from foreigners (it’s right there in the Constitution, check it out sometime, comrade). 
It was not built on scheming with the fucking Russians who are too drunk to keep track of their own suitcase nukes and a Chinese guy with an overdeveloped sense of vengeance to hand some kid in a sweater over to a sociopathic pederast.  By interfering with this bullshit plan, Jack was simply getting America’s priorities back into whack.  Jack loves America.  Part of that love means disobeying orders from the idiots in charge, which is ironically the most American thing anyone can do.  I already can’t wait for Day 7.

Best shot of the episode: When Josh gets to the rig, Dad gives a weird look out at the beach for no reason, sort of holding his head like he just sensed something.  Jack looks back with a weird look, too.  It was exactly like the mind-shit that Darth Vader was pulling on Luke in Empire.

Moment of Gravitas: Jack to Heller, on his plan:  “I’ll disappear.  I’m pretty good at that.  If you send someone after us, I’ll kill them.  I’m pretty good at that, too.”  Heller’s Depends were probably full by this point.

Final Proposed Kimeo: Once the dust settles, Mandy exits the Whiskey, visibly pissed that she had no role in the day’s events.  Kim, dressed like she’s just joined the X-Men, pulls up in the 1970 Dodge Challenger that Fillion had in Drive (you cancel Drive, but you’re cool with Foxworthy quizzing people on that fifth grader shit?  fuck you, Fox) and pushes the passenger door open.  Mandy lights and drags a cigarette, and asks, “What time is it?”  Kim’s response: “It’s go time.”  Mandy gets in, and the two head off into the dawn to do god knows what.


Awesome Picture I Didn’t Find Until It Was Too Late: Fayed, in Mortal Kombat mode.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-22 02:07:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731644">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730839 The Morning After: 24 (5/14) Tue, 15 May 2007 02:32:58 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730839 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

The ep opens with a pretty badass sequence of events at CTU.  You knew the Chinese dudes really hadn’t thought this thing through, considering that they kept walking through shitwater on the way over when they could have avoided it all by walking on the side things, so their demise comes as no shock.  Liu bitch-slaps Nadia and the hostages are verbally abused while Josh gets spirited away to appease Phillip Bauer. 
Jack and Nadia organize a prison break, with Jack breaking Liu’s neck and Nadia somehow keeping a guy from shooting her in the face with an M16 until Doyle busts in and shoots the dude.  It was really pretty badass on Nadia’s part.  Think it, if you were sitting on the couch with Nadia, you could probably throw her over the back with one hand, but here she is, handling Chinese mercenary guy?  Cool, yet hot. 

In the meantime, Cheng gets his little mitts on Josh and chats up Papa Bauer, who remains creepy. 
When Phillip tells Josh the whole plan is to go to China, Josh has some thinking to do.  On the one hand, he’s set up to be a rich white kid in China, and that can’t be bad from the booty angle.  On the flip side, Papa tells Josh to “keep an open mind”, so he’s got to expect his pee-pee to get wrongfully touched at some point.  Josh makes a break for it in a rooftop chase scene, Cheng is pissed, and Jack gets Cheng in his sights for a moment – but there’s just enough of a pause for Josh to lose his grip on a pipe and for Cheng to magically disappear like he’s the sixth Deadly Venom or something.  Jack rescues Josh (similar to Kim for his ability to get imperiled, dissimilar for obvious reasons) for a brief while.

Washington is still bullshit.  Lennox is exposed to the bad porn that is Lisa Miller vs. Mark Bishop, and is visibly annoyed.  Bishop notes that Lisa is extra cold in the sack, so Lisa smacks him in the face with a wine glass.  After strangling Lisa, Bishop gets taken down by the feds, and he plays ball with the ruse. Unfortunately, the Russians are savvy, and don’t buy Powers’ chicanery, demanding proof that the component is recovered, or else they’ll blow some shit up.  Instead of threatening the Russians with the Lisa sex-tape,
Powers calls in the chiefs to explain to him that our supposed central Asian base is probably toast.  Suvarov gives Powers two hours to come up with the component or it’s adios to Tashkent-com.  Meanwhile, Lisa could be brain-damaged due to lack of oxygen to the brain during her recent strangling, which may lead to symptoms such as never changing facial expressions or being unresponsive during sex.  In other words, she’ll be the same.

Anyway, since the Chinese lost Josh, they don’t have shit on Papa Bauer, so he calls Powers to broker the deal, the component for Josh and a ticket out.  Powers is down with it, and Josh is nabbed by Doyle as Jack is restrained.  Division fuckheads take over CTU, but everyone tells Nadia that she’s hot and shouldn’t take shit from anyone.  I agree.

Off-Season Romance Update:  Marylin is clearly setting herself up to be Jack’s off-season disastrous romance, but is this a good call?  Sure, it always seems like a good idea to get back together with an ex after being taken hostage by slicky-boy Asian mercenaries, but has she really thought it through?  If Marylin had used some of her downtime at CTU to check out Jack’s file (Appendix D - The Ladies), she would quickly savvy to the concept that hooking up with this guy is a losing proposition.  The only survivor so far was the spicy desert-cougar from the start of Day 5, and even she’s got to be looking over her gently-freckled shoulder by now.  Marylin should be surfing J-Date before making any final call. 

Major character deathwatch: Mostly, it seems like a no-brainer from the
preview, so check YouTube for spoilers here.  However, I don’t think Chloe is going down, it’s too obvious.  Or is it?  Let us know whom you think is going down at craftinvegas@gmail.com!  Or don’t, that’s fine. 

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-15 02:32:58 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730839">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730077 The Morning After: 24 (5/7) Tue, 08 May 2007 02:01:18 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730077 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

The Chinese shit has hit the fan.  Doyle’s investigation of the Bloomfield copperworks comes up empty, as Cheng has met up with Liu Diamond Phillips and some other extras from Tokyo Drift at yet another abandoned location a few feet from CTU.  Cheng’s plan, for these guys to raid CTU, probably kill some people, and get something, is audacious but not entirely stupid.  CTU has already lost about a thousand dudes so far today, and the rest of them are off following obviously false leads.  So, they bust in through the sewer and take everyone hostage.  Liu’s first demand is to know who’s in charge.  In a last ditch effort to sleep with Nadia, Milo says it’s him.  This was apparently the wrong move, as he is immediately dead, shot to the five-head, and he spends the rest of the show laying on the floor.  Suddenly 24 is Die Hard, with Chinese instead of Germans, and Jack instead of Bruce Willis.  Jack works his way around CTU killing Cheng’s goons (they should have put some of this FPS-style, but still it will definitely do), and temporarily rescues Marylin and a suddenly-emo Josh, who apparently is the target of the whole operation.  More on this in a moment.

But first, can you believe the balls on these Chinese bastards?  And seriously, how pissed off can Cheng Zhi really be about the death of the Chinese consul in Day 4? 
It’s not like you’re exactly running short of Chinese dudes to replace the guy.  Wouldn’t you expect that kidnaping/torturing Jack, brainfucking Audrey, and starting a war between America and Russia would be enough?  Not for Cheng, my friend.  He’s basically a Chinese Keyser Soze at this point. 

Washington is, as usual, a festering mess of sex you don’t want to see and other filler.  Lisa goes back to sex up Mark Bishop and create the subterfuge that the Russian component has been destroyed, but is unconvincing, even by her icy, thick-calved, bottom shelf Nicollette Sheridan lizard-woman standards.  She looks to be about a 38A.

Back at CTU, just as Jack shoves Josh into an air duct, he and Marylin are captured and taken to Liu, who threatens to kill Marylin if Josh doesn’t get out of the fucking ducts, because crawling through a bunch of dusty-ass ducts is going to totally mess up Liu’s slick-Asian Fast/Furious vibe. 
Josh caves (Jack would have done the same) to save mom, and he’s captured as well.  Everyone’s brain explodes at once as Cheng reveals that it’s not Josh that’s some sort of computer genius to fix the chip . . . but Jack’s dad is!  Papa Bauer has sold out to the Chinese, and he’s got a guy fixing the chip in exchange for Josh.  It’s almost unnecessary to make a joke about this guy wanting to molest Josh, isn’t it?

Actual Kimeo!  At last!  I don't care if it's just a commercial for something else.  She’s hot, she’s imperiled . . . she’s Kim!  Elisha Cuthbert stars in the upcoming “Captivity”, a film in which Kim is chesty and locked in a big glass room that is rapidly filling with sand.  And you’re probably down with it, you sick bastards.

Ethnic stereotype update: Seems like a bit of a stretch that the Chinese can’t find a guy with the “expertise” to make the Russian chip work.  Have they tried every Chinese guy I’ve ever met?  Also, I found the assault on CTU to lack the Chinese’s trademark subtlety, it’s more something I’d expect from Fayed or maybe the Vikings.

Do you have a recommendation for CTU improving their internal security?  Like maybe putting someone on the roof with a five-iron to make sure no terrorists plots occur within 200 yards of the joint?  We want to hear from you.  Ish.  At craftinvegas@gmail.com!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-08 02:01:18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729312 The Morning After: 24 (4/30) Tue, 01 May 2007 02:03:56 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729312 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

This episode was so good that even Washington was interesting.  Powers takes a call from Russian President Suvarov, who subtly informs him that (1) he knows that the Chinese have the component thing, (2) that we have a military base in Central Asia (what? where?), and (3) that if we don’t fix number (1), he’s going to fucking destroy number (2).  Powers has the right answer, that none of this would have happened if the Russians kept tabs on Boris the Blade, who a few hours ago almost blew up California, but no dice, it’s almost WW3 all over again.  There’s no way the Russians should have known about the Chinese or the component, so Lennox suspects a spy, and pretty much instantly discovers it’s some lobbyist named Mark who gave Lisa Miller a spicy eight-minute bone in the first part of the show!  More great work by the CIA, by the way, who apparently knew this guy was working for the Russians a couple years ago but let it slide.  Go back to leaning on your shovels, assholes.  Later on, Lisa returns to the White House for some very creepy breathing by Powers, now in full-on Senator Roark mode, who calls her on her sexual treason and threatens to throw the icy bitch in an old refrigerator if she doesn’t work with Lennox to un-fuck this whole debacle. 

Cheng Zhi is driving around in the wilderness of Los Angeles County, holding his little component in his hand and talking on the phone.  His computer guy finds out the thing is damaged (Cheng, come on, it’s basically a computer chip which you’ve been holding in your hand while driving in a Humvee over rough terrain – what the hell did you expect?), and it’s useless without someone who can bypass
the security code, prompting everyone watching to suddenly be very concerned as to Morris’ whereabouts.  For the love of god, Morris, please get drunk and knock yourself out until this blows over.  Cheng (whom everyone calls “Chang” now) is pissed about the  computer chip, and, from the preview, it looks like the Chinese are very, very serious about finding someone to fix the thing.

The main story at CTU is the rise of Nadia, and it’s about damn time.  Filling out the pants of authority with peppy aplomb, Nadia doesn’t care if the fucking system is overloaded, she doesn’t give a crap about Morris’ personal problems with Chloe, she thinks Karen’s firing of Buchanan was bullshit, and oh, Milo?  When Mike gets here, send him to meet me in medical, bitch.  Nadia’s only mistake is not to immediately trust Jack, who has been brought back to CTU with Audrey and wants to talk to her.  Nadia, come on, the first rule of running CTU is that Jack is always right (rule two, as always, is that you do not talk about Fight Club).  Jack’s locked up while Nadia lets the “doctors” from Division check out Audrey (the prognosis? she’s a mess).  Before Division can force Audrey conscious and probably kill her, Mike springs Jack and Jack rescues Audrey. 
I can’t imagine any of CTU’s internal security guys really want to be the first one to find Jack, so he has time to coax some consciousness out of Audrey, who gives up “Bloomfield” as a Cheng-clue.  After a couple of seconds, they find out that Bloomfield is a copper plant, and Audrey’s covered in copper dust, so there ya go.  Nadia shuts down the Division guys and gets kudos from Doyle.  I’m liking CTU with Nadia wearing the pants, except that she’s literally wearing the pants. 

Moment of Gravitas: At the close of the show, Secretary Heller shows up to take Audrey home, but not before dropping by to visit Jack.  After telling Jack to stay away from Audrey forever, Heller puts his forehead on ultra-wrinkle and sneers, “You’re cursed, Jack.  Everyone you touch one way or another ends up dead.”  With gravitas like that, you don’t even have a response... Such as, you know, why are you in a suit at 2:00 am?  Or, where the fuck were you when Audrey was getting her brain fried by Cheng? 

Chloe’s minute: Acceding to my demands for More Nadia, 24 had no choice but to reduce Chloe’s role to about a minute per hour.  This week, Morris makes her cry for telling him how he fucked up by arming nuclear weapons for terrorists last week.  Apparently, for Morris, it’s over.  Weren’t they divorced already?  Well, it’s double-over!  Unless the divorce was during one of Morris’ blackouts, technically, but that’s a stretch.  This paragraph was longer than Chloe’s entire script.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-01 02:03:56 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729312">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728490 Morning After: 24 (4/23, sucka) Tue, 24 Apr 2007 02:25:57 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728490 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Going into this episode, I was pretty sure that Jack would begin the process of wasting a shitload of Chinese dudes.  Yeah, he’s going to face some difficulties, but these fuckers are going down.  He was going to kill everyone for the two years of torture bullshit anyway, and the Audrey-napping put it over the top, right?  But then again, I also was pretty sure that Mirko Cro-Cop would not get his ass totally kicked by a Brazilian dude on Saturday, so who knows what the fuck is going on at this point.  I’m basically trying to expect the unexpected.  Did 24 deliver?  Yes, just like Chinese food is delivered.  This is not a racial slur, Chinese food actually is delivered regularly.  However, if someone feels like a racial slur is involved here, I would totally go on an apology tour, but instead of hanging with Al Sharpton in Queens, I’d be drinking in Hong Kong with Hsu Chi or something.  I’ll even wear an Imus wig if it will help this happen.  You don’t think I’m serious about this?  Then you don’t know me, foo.

Jack’s whole thing is to go after the Chinese guys and get Audrey back, though
I’m quite sure these assholes were going down whether they had her or not.  He’s got it covered, all with a block of C4 to blow the whole joint up, but now that Jack’s “gone rogue”, Doyle is on site to fuck it all up.  Audrey gets out of Cheng’s pimp limo (this limo should have been red with a big commie-sickle symbol on the hood, fuck I’d roll in that wag), Jack basically leaves a suicide-phone message with Bill, and all hell breaks loose.  CTU’s C-Team (the first few fifty teams having been killed, bringing the death toll for the day from 12,000 to 13,000 or so) shoots up a few Chinese, countered by a suspiciously-bearded Chinese guy blowing up a CTU chopper, but Cheng escapes really easily using the three-SUV trick from Playing God, which coincidentally also involved Chinese dudes.  They must have had a bootleg of it in advance.  Anyway, Jack gets arrested by Doyle, Cheng is gone, and Audrey is all kinds of fucked-up brain damaged.  Marylin’s stock is on the up.

Washington remains boring.  Powers bullies Lennox into being his bitch, and a black dude from the Department of Justice is demanding that either Karen Hayes or Bill Buchanan take the fall for having Fayed in custody last year and letting his crazy ass go.  Why is Karen so shocked about this?  If you’re delivering pizzas, for example, and your job includes not having the joint burn the fuck down, and the joint burns down, you’re god damn fired.  The good news is that at least for now, Nadia is in charge of CTU, so hopefully she’ll get back into a skirt and rock that sucka all over the premises.  Anyway, the black dude from DoJ better look out, this show kills more black dudes than the Texas judicial system.

The remainder of the show was spent with Powers Boothe
demanding anal from his robotic assistant Lisa.  She’s down, but who cares?  Old-people porn has never sold, it never will.   Even old people don’t want to see old people doin’ it, it might as well be in the Constitution. 

Nadia’s minute: Things are looking up for Nadia, as Bill’s firing has put her in charge.  But the best part of the show was the continuing emasculation of Milo.  As Doyle “investigates” the spot where Jack ditched satellite tracking, he determines from about 10 feet of tracks that Jack is heading north on the 305.  Milo stupidly asks, “How did he know that?”, to which Nadia quips, “Because he figured it out.”  Milo basically should have just slammed his balls in a car door at this point for all the good they’re doing him. Christ, if his renewed efforts to hit on Chloe fall flat (likely), what’s he going to do?  Karen Hayes’ white-raisin ass?  Fuck you, Milo.  Later on, Nadia confirms that Doyle’s conclusions are correct.  She’s basically standing in a puddle at this point.

BONUS MORNING AFTER: DRIVE!  Basically it’s Cannonball Run, but with the guy from Firefly in the Burt Reynolds gig.  The white ho from Hustle & Flow is also in it.  This week, everyone gets/figures out a clue (same thing last week) and drives reckless across Georgia. Then again, since half the south is currently blowing a .18 or better, is this really newsworthy?  Whatever.  It’s actually a pretty cool show, though Mercia Monroe does not appear topless.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-24 02:25:57 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1727597 The Morning After: 24 (4/16) Tue, 17 Apr 2007 01:59:14 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1727597 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Well, unless the Cubans kidnap Jack’s dog or something in the next couple of hours, the rest of the day will be Jack vs. the Chinese.  As we found out last week, the Chinese have Audrey, and they want to trade her straight up for a piece of circuitry from one of the suitcase nukes that would allow the Chinese to screw with Russia by having access to all their military systems (as everyone on the show notes, the Russians would be none too pleased about this).  Chloe tries to help Jack, but gets busted by Morris and has to fess up to Buchanan, who foils Jack’s halfass plan to steal the thing.  Jack plays the trump card of calling Palmer, who owes Jack his ass and gives Jack’s plan – which involves giving the Chinese the component, getting Audrey back, and then killing the Chinese and/or exploding himself along with Cheng Zhi and the thing – the go-ahead.  I don’t care that Audrey has always looked a little like a young John Elway to me, the Chinese just went too far this time. 
When Jack finally gives Cheng the hard goodbye, it’s going to make Fayed’s strangulation-by-chain-thing death look like a hug from Jennifer Love Hewitt on Christmas morning by comparison.  And not some bullshit surfboard-leaning-against-the-wall hug either.  I lost track of what I was talking about.  Anyway, Doyle tries to give Jack crap about putting Audrey ahead of national security, but I think you can guess how far he got with that bullshit.  Doyle and some other CTU guys take off with Jack to make the swap/kill the Chinese.


Back in Washington, we get yet another dose of presidential power struggle.  Palmer puts the black back in blackmail, using Lennox’s tape of Powers and his assistant Lisa to force him to resign as Vice President.  After another creepy exchange with Lisa, who apparently hasn’t changed facial expressions since she got controlled by the aliens in “Invasion”, Powers writes up his resignation and probably has a few shots off-camera. 

Of course, before he can hand it over, Palmer holds a press conference to tell everyone to chill, but he fails to keep his pimp hand strong and collapses to the floor from a cerebral hemorrhage.  Palmer is definitely done for the day this time, you don’t walk away from shit like that after a strong cup of coffee.  So now it’s President Boothe, and his first act in office is to screw Jack.  The rescue mission is off, get him back to CTU, etc.  The funniest parts of the show are Buchanan telling his staff what’s up, them responding that Jack’s going to tell him to go to hell, and Buchanan saying, “I know.”  It’s good stuff.

Truth be told, Buchanan is in a weird spot.  He’s been around, so he knows that when you’re head of CTU, you'd better think hard about any decision to stand in Jack’s way.  Fight Jack, give him a bunch of crap, be a dick, etc., and you might wind up getting your head blown off by a dumpster like Chapelle.  Assist Jack and stay on his good side, like Tony Almeida did, and you might get some quality time with Michelle Dessler.  (Ok, sure, Dessler's a bad example given her past with Bill, but you get it.)  Think it through, Bill.

Bill walks the line here like a pro.  Technically following orders by ordering Doyle to bring Jack back, the order to “disarm Jack before he knows what's up” was an absolute joke that would never work under any circumstances whatsoever.  Doyle barely gets off the phone with Buchanan before Jack holds a gun to his face and abandons him by a fence off the side of the highway with no phone.  Jack will be going through with the mission alone, which is probably a better idea anyway.

Nadia’s minute: Not much going on for Nadia this week, but it was pretty funny that when Doyle called in, Milo had to take the call and hand the phone over to Nadia.  This is what you’ve been reduced to, Milo.  You think you had an in with Nadia just because you loaned her your computer password?  Nope, sorry, you’re just the office computer guy now.  When she sees you, she sees Edgar Stiles with a shitty beard, get used to it.
   
Ethnic stereotype update: Having Cheng Zhi take the reins as the main villain is bad news for Jack, primarily because he’s being played by Tzi Ma, who is pretty outspoken in his disapproval of prevailing Asian stereotypes in American television and film.  So, if you’re expecting him to play some sort of dumbshit like Fayed (“Maybe I should have just nuked downtown LA in the first place...”) or Gredenko (“Here’s the plan – first, chop my arm off... I will then bleed to death...”), it ain’t happening.  On the other hand, Tzi Ma’s efforts here are ironic, since his role as a complete asshole who will kidnap and torture people for whatever reason he feels like presents an even worse depiction of Asians than we had before.  Nice going, Ma.  Way to set back your people to the lowest point they’ve been at since Wo Fatt put Jack Lord in a sensory deprivation tank on Hawaii Five-O.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-17 01:59:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1727597">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726616 The Morning After: 24 (4/9) Tue, 10 Apr 2007 02:44:47 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726616 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

This is the fucking 24 episode we’ve been waiting for!  More ass gets kicked this hour than the whole season so far  (and part of last season) put together.  If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading now.  I’m totally fucking serious, find somebody with DVR or TiVo and do whatever it takes to watch this hour.  I don’t care if you have to have sex you’re going to regret for the rest of your life in order to see it.  Seriously, I don’t. 

The asskicking begins in the bunker, where President Palmer launches a nuke at the generic Muslim nation and coolly waits for them to call and beg to not be incinerated.  When the phone rings, well guess what, the Arabs just arrested General Habib, Fayed’s boss, and have started interrogating him. 
Palmer lets them dangle for a moment before aborting the nuke about a minute from impact.  As if Lennox isn’t blown away enough at the balls on this guy, Palmer drops another bomb on him: the nuke wasn’t even armed, it was a bluff.  Face it Lennox, he’s hot cuz he’s fly, you ain’t cuz you not. 

Back in LA, Jack and Doyle interrogate Fayed in a broom closet with the old “bad cop - bad cop” routine, but it’s going nowhere.  Fayed plays pretty tough, taunting Jack with lines like, “Are you having fun yet?”, but Jack actually gets a concerned look out of Fayed when he recommends going back to CTU to break out the pharmaceutical kit and quips, “Now we’re gonna have some fun.”  During transport back to CTU, however, a Brink’s truck comes out of nowhere and knocks the Jackmobile on its side, and Muslims come out firing.  Jack and Doyle try to get Fayed out, and take down a couple of shooters, but both get shot down and Fayed gets rescued, with the Brink’s speeding off into the night... or so it would appear!  The whole thing was a ruse to get Fayed to take them to the nukes, as Jack was pretty sure Fayed would never break.  Jack and Doyle get up and pursue Fayed’s new “friends”, yet another CTU team in disguise. 
Icing on the cake is that Nadia displays an ounce of concern for Doyle getting nicked up, which sends Milo into such a bitchy tizzy that he coughs up some of his extra chromosomes.  Basically, we’re being set up for Day 7 with Nadia in charge of CTU and Doyle heading up field ops.  Yes, we all miss Curtis Manning.

Anyway, the problem with CTU’s chicanery here is that Fayed’s evil, not stupid, and he won’t rendezvous with the nukes until he gets (1) a loaded gun (dude, never hand a terrorist a loaded gun, give him the one with the blanks, everyone with a TV knows that) and (2) a phone call from Habib.  Apparently as a result of Palmer’s subtle idea to threaten to kill his family (welcome back, Wayne), Habib calls Fayed and tells him to go to the nukes, and it looks like Fayed is buying it.  However, Nadia, in a rare display of doing something at work besides being hit on, catches that Habib mentioned another guy who’s been dead for a couple years as if he’s alive, and thinks it’s a tipoff.  Jack gets word of this to the team driving Fayed around, but it’s too late.  Fayed kills them all, plus a garbageman, and escapes for real in the trash truck.  Jack, however, caught up with Fayed just in time to hide under the truck and hitch a ride Cape Fear-style.

As Fayed arrives at Allah’s warehouse, the remaining terrorists get started on what should realistically have been their plan in the first place, blowing the shit out of downtown LA.  Jack, having none of it, breaks one dude’s neck and has just enough bullets to kill every terrorist in the joint except Fayed, so they bust it up hand-to-hand.  After smacking Fayed with a bigass wrench and getting stomped on a couple of times, Jack finally gets a hold of one of those big chains that are always randomly hanging around in places like this, wraps it around Fayed’s neck and hands, and hits the “choke Muslim to death” button on the control thing – but only after whispering to Fayed, “Say hello to your brother.”  Doyle sums it all up as he shows up and looks over the carnage, including Fayed’s dead ass: “Damn, Jack.”  Again, a perfect death from a great show at its best.

In the aftermath, Jack gets a call routed through CTU... from Audrey, who is alive and in the hands of the Chinese asshole that used to torture Jack, Cheng Zhi!  The Chinese look like they want to trade Audrey for something, and all kinds of shit is hitting many fans at once.  In some ways, this season has just begun.

Proposed Kimeo: Kim, drunk and disorderly in a Cabo
jail cell, ruins any potential “Caged Heat” scenario by noisily demanding her cell phone, a fish taco, to speak the embassy, American Idol results, etc., so thoroughly annoying the local constabulary that they call a cab to pick her up and dump her off at the airport just so they don’t have to deal with her bullshit.  They definitely could have stuck this in instead of Palmer and Lennox hugging it out.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-10 02:44:47 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725583 The Morning After: 24 (4/2) Tue, 03 Apr 2007 01:59:40 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725583 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Keepin’ it real continues to go wrong for President Palmer, as Powers Boothe calls in the cabinet to relieve him of his job.  After about a minute of deliberations, the cabinet (consisting of 13 old white dudes and one black chick with a blowout – dog, you gotta get more brothers on the cabinet, what were you thinking?) ends up in a tie, so Palmer’s safe... until Boothe reminds everyone that Karen Hayes resigned, so she can’t vote, leaving Palmer in the minority.  While Karen stomps around so brusquely that little puffs of dust fly out of her orifices, Lennox recommends that they leave this mess up to the Supreme Court.  Out of respect for his awesome work in Dragonslayer, the cabinet concurs, and this boring shit comes to a stop for a couple of minutes.
       
At CTU, Milo has given up on the arm-sling entirely so he can more effectively sexually harass Nadia.  This scene is mercifully cut short just before I jam a fork in my right eye by Ricky calling Nadia up to the office, where he sort of apologizes for slapping her around earlier (always an awkward conversation) and gets her to help him find out if Milo was responsible for the Russian hack earlier by not using the right security parameters.  Nadia finds out that Ricky’s right as usual, but Ricky blows her mind by helping cover up Milo’s mistake, keeping him out of jail and employed.  By way of explanation, Ricky quotes the Quran, which he’s apparently read (along with the Bible and some other made-up book) in an effort to find some “answers”, as if cruising around shooting and torturing people has left him spiritually conflicted or something.  The only possible reason Ricky would try to recast himself as a philosophical badass (like a poor man’s Swayze from Roadhouse) is to sleep with Nadia, and it’s a plan so crazy it just might work.

The big deal, of course, is Jack using Gredenko to find Fayed.  Gredenko calls Fayed, who insults him a few times before telling him to get his drunk Russian ass to the somehow abandoned Santa Monica pier in ten minutes.  Jack gets Gredenko there, puts a wire on him and implants his arm with a tracking device.  Gredenko hooks up with Fayed, loses the wire, and tells Fayed he’s got a plan for them both to get out alive.  So you know the plan’s going to be pretty good right?  That sneaky Russian....  Oh, whoops, no, the plan sucks all kinds of dick.  Part one was apparently for Fayed to chop Gredenko’s fucking arm off with an axe (at least anesthesia was unnecessary, given that Gredenko at this point is rolling on about thirty drinks and a tranq dart to the neck), and then have the whole crew run outside into a gunfight.  As Fayed’s crew gets shot by Jack, Gredenko and Fayed hit a crowded bar, where Gredenko – who has left part of a coat sleeve and a massive blood trail behind him – tells the locals that Fayed is the terrorist.  Fayed tries to shoot Gredenko (does this guy dodge bullets in all his films?), shoots a guy at the bar instead, and proceeds to get his ass kicked (Welcome to the O.C., bitch!) until Jack busts in and arrests him. Meanwhile, Gredenko has fled to the beach under the pier, where he collapses into the surf and probably dies.  If you missed it, you’re pretty pissed off, because the whole sequence was fucking outstanding.

Back in Washington, Veep Boothe is pretty sure he’s going to lose in the Supreme Court thing, but his “assistant” offers to commit perjury to help him out, and he’s cool with it.  A few seconds later, Lennox busts in and tells him that he got the whole thing on tape (seriously, if you’re a writer, that’s your job, and all you can come up with is the old “haha I got you on tape” trick, just kill yourself now), so he’d better drop this whole 25th amendment bullshit. 
His balls firmly in the tiny grasp of Lennox, Boothe complies, and Palmer remains president... just long enough to get a couple more adrenalin shots, suffer a schizophrenic break and decide to go ahead with the nuking of the Middle East!  Whatever.  Next week, Palmer yells at the Middle East president guy and collapses, Fayed escapes and Jack gets shot in the chest. 

Continuity error: At the Santa Monica pier, Gredenko did not pass by a douchebag in sunglasses on a cell phone, nor was he almost accidentally whacked in the face by a Mexican guy with a fishing pole.  It also would have been more convincing if he was eating a hot dog on a stick or something.

Contest winner announced: Although quite a few people sent in some nice insults for Milo, for the most part fitting a pattern that could easily be crafted into an Insult Generating Robot just for Milo (80s boy-band reference plus vague ethnic slur plus sex act that ends with Milo having shit on his face), there were a few strays (does Milo really look like Tony Kukoc?)
as well as a few pro-Milo posts.  Overall, a good showing, but the winning ticket was held by Bears Fan Guy from Indiana (actual name unknown, and even his sig is a bit off-color, albeit hilarious).  BFG’s insult, which involved an 80s boy-band reference, a vague ethnic slur, and Milo involved in a sex act that ends with him having shit on his face, wins him a sweet Jack Bauer lighter from eBay.  Congrats, and thanks to everyone who participated.  You’re all winners, ish.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-03 01:59:40 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724534 The Morning After: 24 (3/26) Tue, 27 Mar 2007 02:00:38 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724534 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

CTU goes all soap-opera this hour, with unfortunate results for everyone who respects Nadia as much as I do.  At the office next door to CTU where the drone pilot was hanging out, Ricky’s friend from Division, Johnson, finds a chip that proves the Russians hacked into CTU without inside help, clearing Nadia.  Johnson is trying to set Ricky up for failure, thinking that he’ll bury it to save his ass after going all KKK and sort of strangling her.  Back at CTU, Johnson tells Milo about the chip, prompting Milo to try to kick Ricky’s ass with his arm in a sling (sure, ok), but it turns out Ricky isn’t a dick after all.  He gave the chip to Morris to check it out, and Nadia is cleared and released by Buchanan.  Nadia stays on the job, but tells Milo it ain’t happening, prompting Milo to slam her against the wall and roughly kiss her as only an extra-chromosome-having shoe-bomber-looking dago computer dork can.  I was hoping that the whole Milo-Nadia thing was going to fizzle out once he didn’t defend her from charges of treason, but here we are.  Welcome to hell, where Nadia will now spend every moment on screen getting groped by greasy Frankenstein.

Washington isn’t much better off.  Karen Hayes cons Sandra into ordering the doctor to bring Wayne out of his coma, probably killing him.  Powers Boothe, walking out on Lennox as he chirps out damage estimates for World War III, finds out about Palmer and threatens the doctor, who apparently didn’t see Sin City and tells him to go to hell. 

The big deal this show is the usual matchup, Jack vs. the incompetent Russians.  Gredenko’s under pressure to get his shit together, since Fayed is getting tired of nobody dying, so he calls up this guy who also lives about a block from CTU and appears to be making breakfast for his autistic brother.  The guy (Hauser?  Don’t sweat it, he’s gone after this hour) is a security guy for a nuclear power plant, so Gredenko coerces him into getting security codes.  Naturally, it’s the Rain Man brother that’s going to hack the system and get the codes, because all autistic people have super math powers (this is not true – some of them have awesome three point shot skills).  Chloe finds out about the call from Gredenko about three seconds after they hang up, and Jack is there after the commercial.  Jack and the CTU guys (Christ, how many tac teams do they have?  Didn’t they lose about a hundred dudes this morning?) bust in and shoot the guy.  The guy initially refuses to help Jack find Gredenko, but quickly caves and dupes Gredenko into swinging by the house to pick up the codes from his brother. 
Unbelievably, Gredenko actually shows up, and CTU takes him down with a tranq dart to the jugular.  Even Jack must have been shocked that this plan worked.  Knowing who Jack is, Gredenko smartly offers to help him find Fayed, and also plays the ultimate 24-cliche: he wants amnesty and a promise that he won’t get shipped back to Russia, where it’s cold and there isn’t shit on TV.

So if you’re putting together a bracket of evil people that hate America, who’s your one-seed?  Russia is kind of like Duke: a perennial evil-empire one seed that is suddenly vulnerable and sloppy, you can’t put them higher than a 4.  The Arabs?  Nah, they’re dangerous, but so inconsistent.  9/11 was kind of like West Virginia almost getting into the Final Four in 2005, a huge deal that shocked everyone, but no terrorist attacks in the US since (in this analogy,
Pittsnogle would be bin Laden: scary dude with a beard, you haven’t heard from him in a while, but you know he’s out there in the mountains somewhere).  So who’s the one?  That’s right, China, who shows up now and then to mess with Jack and then vanishes into the darkness.  They’re not a threat to take the whole thing, but they’re always right up there.  Like what, UNC I guess.  You haven’t heard the last of the Chinese this season, just you wait. 

Back at Washington, Powers Boothe gives the order to nuke a random Middle East nation, but Wayne miraculously awakens and tells the sub to stand down.  Powers’ response is to decide that there are still a few square inches of the Constitution he hasn’t wiped his ass with and demands to talk to the Attorney General about having Wayne declared incompetent to serve as President.  I swear, if Boothe was black, the establishment would have 25th amendmented his drunk ass out of there by now.  So not cool.

CONTEST!  I’m running out of insulting names for Milo, despite the fact that this whole hooking up with Nadia thing has prompted me to hate him more than ever.  Whoever comes up with the best insult for Milo, I’ll buy some random “24" crap on eBay and ship it to you.  Dead serious.  Submit your best stuff below or at craftinvegas@gmail.com!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-27 02:00:38 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723701 The Morning After: 24 (3/19) Tue, 20 Mar 2007 01:55:01 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723701 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

The after-dinner hour starts with a heapin’ helping of panicky-terrorist time in the Mojave, as Gredenko freaks out about CTU finding out where he is, and Fayed promptly calls him a pussy and a fuckup as only Fayed can.  The one nuke they managed to load onto a drone and arm gets launched, and they unload the other two back into suitcases and bolt.  Gredenko’s stooge occupies himself with guiding the drone by remote and calling Gredenko every couple minutes to kiss his ass and make him feel better about the whole Fayed thing.

The big deal is back at CTU, where Marylin hits on Jack and informs him that Audrey Raines was in China trying to spring him, but she “died” in a “car wreck”.  Nobody told Jack, so he puts on a white halter-top and reads her death-file, complete with a charred passport and a picture of a hand. No, I don’t think she’s dead.  Somehow, Audrey is coming back.


Which potentially leaves Jack with a big decision to make: Audrey or Marylin?  It’s a close call which is the better option, so let’s break it down:



                        Audrey                              Marylin    


Money situation:


 Government employee          

  Heiress to the Bauer fortune

Advantage: Marylin




Conversation:



  Can relate to fighting terrorism thing   Mostly rich housewife bullshit           

Advantage: Audrey




Baggage:



  No kids.                               

   One kid, might be Jack's.

Advantage: Audrey




Ex-husband issues:



Dead, Jack pretty much responsible. Dead, Jack pretty much responsible.


TIE.




Monday television preference:



  So down with "24".     

   Might prefer "Heroes".

Advantage: Audrey



Hotness:



 Not as hot as Marylin.   Hotter than Audrey.    

Advantage: Marylin



So, based on the above factors, Marylin’s the right choice, because she’s hotter. 

Meanwhile, Sandra Palmer has teleported to the badunkadunker and spends the whole hour staring at Wayne, who is comatose with a mildly swollen brain.  Powers Boothe is pretty intent on nuking something, which means we get to watch Karen Fucking Hayes and Lennox boringly argue reason to him for about half the show.  I saw Tombstone, man, it’s not going to work. 

Back at CTU, Chloe finds out that someone is leaking info to the Russians so they can steer the drone around the satellite coverage and not get shot down.  The investigation is quick: about one second for Ricky Hitler to accuse Nadia of being a mole, and another three seconds for Chloe to find out he’s right.  Of course, it will eventually turn out that it’s not Nadia (her only crime is wearing pants instead of a skirt this episode), teaching us all a lesson about racial profiling, but for now Nadia is tied to a chair and generally manhandled by Ricky, who apparently has some Denver-related sadism in his past.


Anyway, CTU lucks out. Morris traces the leak from Nadia’s station to Gredenko’s associate’s location: an apparently unlocked and unguarded office next door to CTU.  This is like getting drunk and parking your car on the sidewalk in front of a police station.  Jack, in full-on wanting to kill somebody mode, joins Ricky and the team to walk over and take down the joint, which proves pretty easy.  Jack shoots three dudes in about five seconds and starts steering the drone away from its intended target, San Francisco.  The drone doesn’t get close enough for the nuke to go off (they had a GPS on it, it’s complicated), and Jack lands it on a dock, causing the bomb to bust open and irradiate the area.  Local firefighters show up, smart enough to get out of the truck with a Geiger counter, but not smart enough to wear something which might protect them from radiation, so they’re probably dead.   Karen and Lennox tell Powers that this is not so bad, but Powers decides to nuke Fayed’s home country anyway, predicting a death toll of 2000 people or so.  Dear God please tell me the nuclear button has a drunk-driver breathalizer thing hooked up to it.   Anyway, a nuclear sub will be ready to launch and start WWIII right about when next hour ends.

Next week, Karen looks like she convinces Sandra to give permission to Wayne’s doctor to wake him up so he can fire Powers or something, probably killing Wayne in the process.

Lamest spat of the week:  Karen and Lennox face off in the bunker, it's intense:
Karen:  "What happened to you, did you fall down a flight of stairs?"
Lennox:  "I tripped over your ineptitude."
What the hell is that supposed to mean?  Whatever, you both suck.

Major character deathwatch:  Gotta be the President, and not just because of the brain thing.  Looks like a dangerous show to be on in general if you're black.  If they don't knock this off soon, they won't be able to get anyone black to be on the show next season, just like they can't find any Arabs this year.  Then again, they might not care, especially if the entirety of Day 7 is Jack killing Chinese people in bloody kickass revenge.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-20 01:55:01 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722937 The Morning After: 24 (3/12) Tue, 13 Mar 2007 02:07:26 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722937 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>


The shit is going down, and down hard, at the Russian consulate.  None too pleased at Jack giving him non-elective Ronnie Lott surgery, Markov gets his pinky taped and orders Jack to be killed.  However, he’s employed an idiot to do it, Vasily something, who decides to ask permission before pulling the trigger, just enough of a delay for Jack to Indy-style whip his belt around the guy’s wrist and shoot him dead.   So, Jack’s on the loose, taking suckas hostage and demanding to use the phone. 

The other main storyline is Logan visiting Martha to get her to call the Russian president’s wife.  Martha is in an asylum and apparently hooked up with Agent Pierce, who has lost fifty pounds, is hooked up with some off-Saks gear, but still looks like shit.  After about thirty seconds of awkwardness and crazy-style chopping up of kiwis, Martha drops the awkward bomb and stabs Logan in the collarbone.  Unless Logan’s plan was to bleed to death on a couch covered in healthful snacks, I think it’s fair to say he failed, bad.  Another few minutes go by before Martha calls the Russian president’s wife, and this, combined with Markov’s grimacing defiance,  convinces the Russian president to agree to allow CTU to kill everyone at the consulate.               

Basically, the Russians are a joke at this point.  What happened to these
guys?  Remember when the Soviets were scary as hell?  Sure, there was a period between World War II and the wall coming down that their main job apparently was to get James Bond laid, but there was a time when fucking with the Kremlin meant your brother’s head was getting shipped to your house with a nasty note stapled to it.  Watching this debacle, however, what with Boris the Blade drinking all day in an airplane graveyard in the desert (homeless dudes have more on their plate) and the consulate staff being unable to contain an unconscious guy, not to mention the Russian premier or whatever handing the consulate over to Silver Spoons on a tip from the institutionalized ex-wife of a guy who’s main job was to almost cause nerve gas to be dumped on Moscow, it’s just pathetic.  Russia is no more a playa than the NHL is a major sport: both are slow, boring, involve ice, and you don’t even know what channel they’re on.

Back at CTU, Ricky Schroder is in from Fort Bragg to kick ass and/or take names.  Bragg’s an army base, which narrows Ricky’s job down to either being a stoned cook that vandalized my car or a Delta-force psychopath.  Given his haircut and his propensity for choking Morris for back-talk, I’m going with the latter.  Anyway, Ricky figures out how to take down the consulate, again, not too tough a task when you can basically roll thirty dudes up to the back wall of the joint undetected.  As Logan flatlines, Ricky busts in and many Russians eat cold death sucka.

At the bunker, Powers Boothe bullies Lennox into framing Assad in order to assist him in his plot to nuke the Middle East.  Whatever. 

Big problems for next week as Boris has met with Fayed, and the first drone is launched.  What’s the target?  Probably not anywhere near the Russian consulate, since everyone in on the plot is pretty comfy there and not making excuses to skip out early or anything.  Come to think of it, it’s probably a good place to wait this thing out. 

Straight from the headlines:   Actors Chad “Hilary Swank Dumped Me” Lowe and Fisher “Michelle Pfeiffer Was Clearly Out Of My League” Stevens, along with Rob “I Still Have a Career” Morrow, drifted off-course during a charity ski event over the weekend and had to be rescued by a ski patrol, and it made the fucking news.  I cannot imagine a lamer ski trip crew.  




Proposed Kimeo: Assuming the worst after the destruction of Valencia, Kim

could have escaped to the hills with Patrick Swayze to form a band of guerrilla high-school kids like in “Red Dawn”, complete with Swayze wasting C. Thomas Howell and Kim wearing an utterly impractical camouflage outfit that leaves little to the imagination.





Question of the week:  What the hell is Ricky Schroder doing here?  Is he going to kick ass or be a typical government douche?   Is he qualifed to say DAMMIT CHLOE, or should he go back to breakin' with Alfonso?  Submit your awesome predictions here or at craftinvegas@gmail.com!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-13 02:07:26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722937">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722054 The Morning After: 24 (3/6) Tue, 06 Mar 2007 02:27:35 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722054 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

What 24 frickin’ needs is to get the focus back on Jack.  Too much of this season has been burned up on Morris drinking, McCarthy talking on the phone with Fayed, and the President getting betrayed by a bunch of white dorks I can’t believe he ever hired in the first place.  Even Jack’s time has been watered down with all his family drama and post-traumatic stress disorder from having his hand fried and lightly gingered by the Chinese for the last couple years.  If you’re playing a drinking game involving Jack kicking ass or saying “Dammit!”, you probably walked into this episode alarmingly sober. 

So, does 24 get back on the kickass track this week?  Oh, yes, I would say so, my friend.  Logan takes Jack to the Russian consulate and talks tough-ish to Markov, the same guy that was ready to hand Gondor over to the forces of evil in Lord of the Rings.  Markov tells Logan he doesn’t know where Gredenko is, Logan doesn’t buy it, and Jack decides to bust in the joint and slap
a bitch.  Luckily, the consulate has roughly the same security as my back yard, so Jack is able to get in (armed only with a very, very weak Russian accent . . . oh, and a gun) and cut Markov’s finger off with a cigar-snipper thing, causing everyone watching to immediately kill their drinks.  Markov confesses and gives up Gredenko’s location as well as the fact that Gredenko is delivering the nukes for Fayed via remote control model airplanes, but Jack gets captured by the Russians before he can do anything else. 

Back at democracy’s most pimped-out basement, President Palmer is knocked out, probably done for the day with shrapnel in his neck.  Powers “I Got Shot By Wyatt Earp In Tombstone” Boothe, the VP, takes over and gets everyone back on the fascist track.  About a quarter of the episode is people asking Chad God Damn Lowe where Lennox is, including the warden from Shawshank.  The best part of the show, except of course for Jack disfingering Denethor, is Lennox playing it cool with Chad Lowe and the other white guy, convincing them that he’s game with the assassination, then turning sides almost immediately and having them arrested by the secret service.  I guess late balls is better than no balls at all.  Hopefully we’re done with Chad.  Later on, Lennox is disbelieved by the SS and bullied by Boothe, who might as well have a fifth of Ketel on a chain around his neck at this point.  Boothe fixes Hardigan’s bum ticker and announces to the country that the Constitution is fixing to be smoked by two-year-olds on the Today show and that American Muslims are about to get a whole lot of recta searched.  The only lesson here is to not involve Chad Lowe in a conspiracy, even if the conspiracy is to drink beer, watch television, draw oxygen, broadcast a television show, whatever. 

Karen Hayes is returning to Washington for some reason.  Everyone who cares kills their drinks and flips over to “Murder She Wrote” on WGN.

At the consulate, Markov stupidly decides to have Jack guarded by a guy who knows Markov is involved with Gredenko.  Jack tells the guard what’s up, and surprisingly the guard’s about to call CTU to give up Markov and Gredenko, but he fucks up and gets shot dead by another Russian guy.  CTU apparently is ready to drop the hammer on the Russians, and Powers Boothe is probably down with it.  He’s an asshole, sure, but he sure as shit isn’t taking any crap from the Russians.  This consulate (is this like an embassy?) is going down.

Proposed Kimeo: At the 5:15 break, the screen splits into three shots, one of Jack, one of a gratuitously grimacing Markov, and a big one of Air Force One. 
Why not split it into four shots, including one of Kim, drunk in sunglasses and a bikini top, noisily snarfing oysters at the Bellagio?  No reason this shouldn’t be in there. 

This week’s pressing question: Would you still watch 24 if instead of Jack, it was Marisol Nichols cruising around in a little outfit stabbing suckas in the kneecap and shit to find out who they’re working for?  Just curious.  I’d watch the hell out of that.  Any proposed outfits or torture methods to be worn/used by Nadia are welcome at craftinvegas@gmail.com!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-06 02:27:35 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721086 Morning After: 24 (2/26) Tue, 27 Feb 2007 03:21:46 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721086 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Bullshit.  Far too much of this hour was spent with Morris screwing up on the job and having people figure out that he’s resumed drinking.  It’s not clear whether he’s actually missing stuff or not, but Nadia’s nose (not a crazy big nose here or anything, she’s of Mexican descent and playing an Arab, not sure what the nose-norm is, but her nose is fine by me)
is sniffing out a problem here.  Chloe defends Morris, and Buchanan keeps him on the job due to an indignant tirade by Morris after he shows up late to a briefing, but Nadia still thinks he’s screwing up.  Morris gets confronted in the shitcan by Chloe and swears he’s only had a couple of beers (this seems an odd defense to a charge of drinking at work), and promptly dumps out the last couple of shots from the 375 he bought earlier.

The whole Morris storyline is bullshit.  First of all, it’s out of whack with the overriding themes of 24.  24's big thing is “working for CTU will dick up your personal life”.   Erin Driscoll couldn’t pay attention to her daughter, so she killed herself.  Almeida was a frickin’ disaster.  Jack had to fake his death and became a heroin addict, not conducive to stable personal relationships, so I hear.  But this whole thing about Morris drinking a lot doesn’t cut it.  Morris has always been a drunk, it’s not some terrorism-related bender.  On the upside, it’s finally an accurate stereotype, especially if he’s Australian.  Props to you, Fox, you insensitive bastards.  As Mitch Hedberg said, alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having. 

Back at Palmer’s crib, the milquetoast conspiracy takes action.  Chad Lowe talks big game to Lennox and works the hitman, kind of an Ethan Rom type, into the bunker, which apparently has shit security. Guy probably could have got in with a big thing of balloons.  Anyway, Rom’s main job appears to be to demean Lennox and to fashion a bomb out of a mixture of Russian dressing and Frank’s Red Hot (a flavor explosion?) and hand it off to Chad for the detonation.  This is just dumb.  Rom must be mixing up Chad with his actually capable and murderous brother Rob, who totally 5-iron killed a chick in “Bad Influence” with a quasi-robotic indifference, among other offenses.  All Chad has ever accomplished is getting dumped by a chick who got an Oscar for playing a dude or something.  Anyway, I’m wrong, Chad quibbles but eventually sacks up and pulls the trigger, and the condiment bomb goes off.  Fortunately,
I think, the bomb only kills Al-Assad, who warns Palmer and everyone else in time for them to at least duck. Palmer’s hurt, but I don’t think he’s hurt or dead that bad.       

The other storyline is Jack hanging out with Charles Logan, who has grown a beard and is now under house arrest.  Instead of a lo-jack, the feds apparently are forcing him to grow facial hair and dress like a lumberjack.  He’s basically Al Gore, except without gaining 200 pounds and giving a shit about the environment.  Logan has supposedly found Jesus or something and is the only way Jack will ever get information out of the Russian consulate guy, the only guy who knows where Gredenko is. Palmer, who I’m pretty sure could kick anyone’s ass in the show except Jack, is ok with it.


Curiously absent is anyone calling bullshit on Jack’s dad.  Couldn’t Dad have called Logan in the first place in an effort to find and kill Gredenko and maybe avoided a fucking nuclear weapon going off in LA?  Gosh, also, maybe then you wouldn’t have to kill (or half-ass try to kill) most of your family, right?  Dick. 

Continuity error: Morris is wearing a Vegas-club shirt that is pretty much the same shirt he was wearing before he got tortured by Fayed.  Sensitive to all the crap he was getting for basically handing the terrorists the keys to four nukes, Morris would definitely have kept the shirt on that got drilled through when Fayed drilled a hole in his fucking shoulder blade, so if anyone gave him any shit, he’d just be able to turn around and say all what.

Random C-list celebrity whom Mandy could have slept with and/or killed by now: Jim Breuer, who would have gained another thirty pounds or so.
 
Have you thought of about five thousand ways Lennox, assuming he's not some kind of idiot, could have foiled this half-baked plot to kill Wayne Palmer?  One will suffice.  Drop us a line at craftinvegas@gmail.com!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-27 03:21:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720130 Morning After: 24 (2/19) Tue, 20 Feb 2007 02:31:49 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720130 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>


This was pretty much a waste of an episode, truth be told.  The main storyline is Jack hanging out with Marilyn and trying to save Josh (his son, for sure) and find his dad.  Milo holds off Jack’s dad’s goons long enough for Jack to show up and kill everyone but the guy with the beard, who helps them find out where dad is.  Dad is at a hotel chatting with Lil’ Kim, at one point creepily putting a hand on his knee.  I was pretty much expecting him to ask the kid if he liked movies about gladiators.  Jack puts an unlikely bulletproof flak-tanktop on Marilyn and rolls up to the room.  There are some tender moments between Jack and Rena, which probably would have been a lot more tender if Jack hadn’t spent the last two years having his junk
electrocuted by the Chinese.  Anyway, Jack gets to the room, only to find that Dad has taken the kid to a roof next door.  Jack goes over and tries to sacrifice himself to save the kid, but Dad pusses out and doesn’t kill Jack.  Instead, he vanishes and leaves Jack a phone number to call: the number of (wait for it!) ex-president Logan!  And he’s got his ex-politician Al Gore beard going!  Whatever.  I regret knowing about wikipedia, which ruined the half-ass surprise.

Meanwhile, back at the brunker, Lennox sort of looks like he’s going along with the assassination of Palmer, but he’s not, and apparently not slick enough to get past Chad Lowe, who whips him brusquely with a flashlight or something.  A gayer fight has never taken place on American television. Looks like the plot is to put an exploding Blackberry in a podium and blow up Palmer at his press conference.  The only other news here is that the guy playing Al-Assad kind of looks like the guy that played John Connor in Terminator 3.

The last story going on is that Morris drinks a lot.  He’s mopey because he caved after getting holes drilled in him by Fayed and will probably be responsible for millions of deaths, and also he feels like a fag compared to Milo, who has shaved his chest and gotten shot by Dad’s goons.  To compensate, Morris skips out of work and shotguns an ass-pocket of whiskey at a Circle K. Back on the job, everyone finds out he’s an alcoholic, something which likely would have been a good thing to know before they gave him the highest security clearance possible ever. 

Nadia’s minute: Looks like they’re only giving Marisol Nichols about a minute per hour to work it, but she filled it up pretty well this time.  Basically, Nadia rocked the skirt over to Morris to call out the no macho, changing her hairstyle to a possibly Buchanan-tossed muss in the process.  Buchanan wisely avoided contact with Nadia, obviously trying to cool himself off in preparation for the arrival of utterly spiceless and certainly bone-dry Karen Fucking Hayes. 

Continuity error: While Morris was at the Circle K, he did not drop five bucks on the California lottery.  It is impossible to hit a Circle K in California without doing so.

Ethnic stereotype fuckup: Gredenko, a Russian over the age of eight, has not been shown drinking bottom-shelf vodka out of a coffee mug.  No.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-20 02:31:49 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1719054 The Morning After: 24 (2/12) Tue, 13 Feb 2007 02:26:46 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1719054 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Today is the longest day in Morris O’Brian’s life.  And he used to be married to Chloe, so there ya go. 

The early afternoon opens with traffic conditions remaining relatively calm in post-apocalyptic Los Angeles, and McCarthy and Nikki Ziering trying to take Morris to Fayed.  They are rapidly found and followed by Jack in a helicopter, but they lose him under the I-10 interchange. 
McCarthy feels pretty smart about this, plus the fact that he gets Fayed to agree to pay him $7 million, but feels a lot stupider when Nikki blows his haggis all over the driver’s-side door with his own gun. 

However, Nikki, for her part, actually is stupider than McCarthy.  Her plan is to drop off Morris and for Fayed to just let her go.  Nikki, come on, everyone who works for Fayed winds up exploded or shot.  When Morris refuses to arm the nukes, he gets the shit whacked out of him for awhile, and eventually caves when Fayed drills through his fucking shoulder blade with a drill and shoots Nikki dead.  While CTU closes in, Morris makes a device for Fayed to arm the nukes. 

In the final analysis, is Morris an idiot, a puss, or both?  I’m not bashing him for giving in after getting a hole drilled in him, that ain’t right.  But lookit, they need you to arm nuclear weapons, they’re obviously not going to kill you.  So where’s the escape attempt when all you have to deal with is Nikki Z?  24 wouldn’t show the part where Nikki uncuffs Morris from the little coat hanger thing, takes him out of the car, and forces him into Fayed’s shitty apartment building.  Why not?  Because he could have just run down the street screaming and saved millions of lives.  You suck, Morris. Chloe was right to bitch-slap you.

Luckily, Jack does not suck. After craftily pulling a fire alarm and shooting everyone in Fayed’s apartment but Morris in the face with a shotgun, he finds out that Fayed is gone and a nuclear weapon is about to go off in the breakfast nook.  Chloe tells him how to disarm it, so that’s two bombs down, three to go.  Be on the lookout for a bald, pissed-off looking Greek guy with three suitcases, most likely talking on a cell-phone.
               
Still not quite sure what Buchanan’s job is.  He basically answers the phone, asks Jack and Chloe to take care of everything, and hangs out with Nadia.  It’s pretty cush.

Back at the executive basement, fascism suffered a setback over lunch when President Palmer refused to arrest all the Muslims, which further alienates an obviously drunk Powers Boothe, still in full-on Sin City mode as a rather brusque and surly Vice President.  The move also leaves Frodo Hitler and Bilbo Mussolini to kvetch about how everything has gone to shit.  Chad Lowe, taking orders from another white guy in a suit, tries to get Lennox on board with killing Palmer, and they eventually meet in an electrical closet or something.   I assume that if they got caught, their cover would have been that they were doin’ it.  Anyway, Lennox plays along, but he’s obviously tape-recording the whole thing.  So who knows.  Meanwhile, Palmer is trying to get Al-Assad to tell all the Muslims to turn in Fayed, and Al-Assad tells Palmer to be paranoid of everyone. 

At CTU, the trail goes cold until Marilyn tells Jack about Graham meeting with some Russians, which is huge because Milo found out that “Boris the Blade”
Gredenko, the Russian general who brought the nukes over, is crazy and more involved than previously believed.   I like Marilyn because she’s kept in shape, she’s actually quite helpful, and she isn’t particularly bothered by the idea of Jack murdering her husband.  Graham had quite a slide down the drain, no?  Last season he was telling the President over the phone to blow his brains out, and he was going to do it.  Today, he’s just another dork who gets pissed on all day by his wife, eventually dying by lethal injection in his own game room.  Whatever.  Anyway, Marilyn is off to help Jack find Boris’ house, but Jack’s dad diverts her to a different house by threatening to kill Lil’ Kim.  When Jack and his team bust into the house, it explodes, killing most of the crew (not Jack).  Milo and Marilyn flee the scene, pursued by Jack’s dad’s goons.  Props to Milo for some kickass driving.

Proposed Kimeo: When Nikki Ziering shoots McCarthy, a stray shot could have ricocheted, smashing a goldfish bowl being carried by a surprised Kim, who may or may not have been wearing board shorts.

Most awesome moment we didn’t get to see: When Jack’s 85-year old, 7-foot dad checked into an LA motel with Marilyn’s twelve-year old son, we did not get to see the horrified, creeped-out expressions on the faces of everyone in the hotel reception area.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-13 02:26:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718108 The Morning After 24 (2/5) Tue, 06 Feb 2007 03:20:25 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718108 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

The worst day ever for modern black America continues from noon to 1:00. President Palmer is starting to regret his decision to fill his staff with hobbit nazis, Curtis Manning remains dead, and Matrix guy has had his ass beat down by a group of Arabs with internet access. But the main story is Jack’s war against his own jacked-up family. Let’s recap, shall we?

The hour kicks off with Graham exhorting his hired goofs to kill Jack and to
“make sure everything goes according to plan”, but he has apparently forgotten that Jack isn’t an invalid. The stupid master plan was to ask Jack to jump into a pit that would at some later time be filled with concrete. Jack, not being retarded, foils the plan and kicks ass. Dad helps somewhat, but then suspiciously kills a goon that Jack had subdued. Jack then locks down Graham at his house, busts in, and starts interrogating Graham. Graham takes a shitload of pain intravenously, and gives up that he was behind the deaths of David Palmer, Almeida, and Dessler. Jack’s about to kill him for this, but the soothing 90-year old face of his 7-foot dad somehow stays his hand.  Later, before Graham can get taken to CTU, Jack’s dad kisses Graham’s weird bald head and kills him with an overdose of pain stuff. So Jack’s dad is behind all this shit, maybe, whatever.

Regardless, Graham basically was too stupid to live. I can’t believe this guy pulled off the assassination of David Palmer. Dog, chief, if you’re in the game with big money, why you fuckin’ it up with budget tactics? Think it, if you had unlimited funds, would you assign the death of Jack “American James Bond” Bauer to two trigger-shy flunkies? No, because you’re not an idiot. I realize that Cro-Cop might not be available as a bodyguard due to his parliamentary
duties, but anyone savvy would do better than this. Whatever, goodbye, Nerdy McLamesauce (name stolen from Big Fig, thank you).

Meanwhile, in the worst storyline of the show, Matrix guy gets a Nelly-bandaid on his face and regrets selling out the Muslim gang at Fullerton Community College detention center. The ham-fisted lesson is going to be that if you put all the Muslims in jail for whatever, even the non-crazy Muslims will hate you worse. Hate backfires! Take that, every voting American with an IQ under 40!

On the flip, McCarthy reveals that his ho’s name is Rita, and that he has found a guy to fix Fayed’s nukes. Shit is, they are going to use Morris O’ Brian, Chloe’s ex, unwilling though he may be. I’m legally required here to give props to Jenko, who inexplicably called this during the season opener. Here’s how the props went in live action:

      Me: You’re like a Korean Einstein with tits.
       Jenko: You’re welcome.

The preview indicated that Jack will kill people next week. Again, this cannot be called a spoiler. The only thing that's "spoiled" is our chances of seeing Kim rockin' board shorts and getting Kimnapped. 


Best upper-middle class euphemism/metaphor for boning: When Jack tells Graham’s wife Marylin that Graham is involved in all kinds of terrorist shit, Marylin says, “He hasn’t confided in me in years.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Insert your own Graham/ skeet-skeet-skeet joke here.

This week’s “NO SHIT” moment: In a call to Jack, Buchanan breaks out his analysis of the situation as follows: “As it stands, McCarthy is our only link to Fayed. We need to find Fayed before he can arm the nukes.” Thus, Jack knows that he needs to find McCarthy and/or Fayed. You could handle Buchanan’s job.

Question of the Week: President Palmer says that he was “elected” in the first few minutes of the show. However, he was not Vice President or anything like that as of 20 months ago. Is this mathematically/constitutionally possible? Maybe!  Give your explanation below or at craftinvegas@gmail.com!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-06 03:20:25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718108">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1717122 The Morning After 24 (1/29) Tue, 30 Jan 2007 02:23:24 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1717122 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>   

From 11:00 a.m. to noon, it appears that everything has returned to normal in recently-nuked Los Angeles, where nobody is rioting and you can still drive from place to place.  We should nuke Los Angeles suburbs more often.  However, even under this thin veneer of fictional sanity, democracy takes several roundhouse kicks to the face, and it looks like we’re pretty much screwed for sure this time, even if Jack kills everyone.

The main story is Jack hanging out with his brother, Graham, as they look for dad and a link to the nukes.  Jack takes Graham to McCarthy’s office, but doesn’t find anything but his dad, who’s at least 85 and at least 6'5".  From this, we know that when Jack’s dad was 50 or so, he hooked up with Jack’s mom, who probably checked in at like 4'3" considering the heights of the kids.  A porny flashback spinoff is hopefully not in the works.  Anyway, dad’s company got a contract to dismantle the suitcase bombs from the Russian general, but Graham hired McCarthy, who sold the nukes to Fayed.  Graham alternately plays dumb, cries, calls Jack simple-minded and sadistic, and eventually turns the tables on everyone, using his hired goons to kill some pasty CTU guys and truck dad and Jack out to the desert to be shot.   Meanwhile, McCarthy cruises around with a Nikki Ziering knockoff and looks for scientists to help Fayed set off the nukes.

Still constipating the whole show is the Matrix guy’s stint at Inglewood Elementary detention center, as he attempts to infiltrate the Boyz ‘N the Jihood. In a completely incredible display of pickpocketing skills, Matrix guy steals a cell phone from one of the Arabs and feeds info to Chloe, who determines that these guys don’t know anything.   Matrix guy then gets his ass kicked by the Arabs. 

I hope to Allah that this story arc closes up at this point, but I know it won’t.  So far, the whole “America Becoming Nazi Germany” thing has been suspiciously tame, with only two “lessons” being “taught”.  Lesson one is apparently that black Muslims are peaceful and generally not down with shit/Valencia getting blown up.  Lesson two is that American detention centers are pretty low-key, at least for the first two hours of operation.  While this is probably roughly 50% accurate, doesn’t it seem like this whole season would meet with Fox News’ approval?  They would probably be cool with reporting the whole thing, except all the cavity searches.  This country was not built on anally violating Muslims. 

Back in President Palmer’s crunker (the bunker will be referred to as the “badunkadunker” if Sandra Palmer checks in before the day is out), Lennox (the guy from Ally McBeal and Dragonslayer) finds an equally dorky nebbish to conspire with, Chad Lowe.  I’m unaware of anything Chad Lowe has ever been in aside from a rough breakup at the able hands of Hilary Swank.  Anyway, these two shits engineer Karen Hayes’ resignation, enabling her to go back to Los Angeles and hang out with Buchanan, while they get back to lining bird cages and wrapping fish with the Bill of Rights. 
This has upside and downside.  On the up, it increases the odds of her getting killed, giving my prediction of her death some juice.  On the downside, we have to see Karen and Buchanan together.  Good God, why?  Everyone who would be interested in this relationship already went to bed at 4:00, right after Murder She Wrote. 

One unfortunate side-effect of the anti-Muslim coup is that very, very hot Nadia Yasser has been flagged by homeland security, limiting her access to CTU’s database and, apparently, our access to seeing her in a skirt.  This is why fascism will never fly in the US.  We don’t compromise on hot chicks in skirts, sucka. 

The best part of the show this week is the preview, which must have clinched the record for the least-spoiling spoiler of all time.  Looks like Jack takes out the goons who were supposed to kill him (no way!) and resumes kicking Graham’s ass (you’re shitting me!). 

Moment of Gravitas: “I love the constitution, but I won’t be ducking behind it when the next nuke goes off.” – Lennox.

Proposed Kimeo: Kim, while flying into LAX from a disastrous honeymoon in Maui, could be imperiled as her new husband, Anthony Michael Hall, admits to her that he has snuck at least 8 pounds of marijuana onto the flight, and forces her to duct-tape it to her stomach, as he is more likely to be searched due to his biker gang affiliation.  BONUS:  Mandy, also on the flight, remote control-detonates a car bomb in the airport parking garage for no discernible reason.

Do you have a plausible scenario where Kim is hot, kind of dumb, and imperiled?  Or a scenario in which Mia Kirshner pulls some crazy shit?  The internets need you.  Drop us a line at craftinvegas@gmail.com.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-30 02:23:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715981 The Morning After: 24 Tue, 23 Jan 2007 01:56:09 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715981 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

It's 10:00, and the nation spends a few minutes reeling from the destruction of part of Valencia.  In the meantime, Jack takes a brief detour to help some guy out of a crashed helicopter, and then finally snaps out of his Chinese-induced funk to get back to the business of kicking ass.

And not a moment too soon.  Fayed was not blown up by the nuke, but his nuclear scientist was, so Fayed contacts the nondescript McCarthy (not the Scots, too!) to get a new one.  McCarthy is tough to figure.  He’s obviously got more going on than meets the eye, given the smokin’ blond he picks up. But his plan is to escape Los Angeles by driving to Vegas?  On an average weekend, the traffic is such shit that that’s like a 9-hour trip.  Does he think the traffic will be lighter after a nuke has gone off?  No, dumbass, it won’t.  In any event, McCarthy has some names for Fayed, so Fayed promises everyone the bombs will be going off later on. 

In the meantime, CTU just isn’t what it used to be. I’m fine with Chloe having brown hair this year, as she was clearly far too hot as a blonde to be convincing as a government employee, but some of the dramatic downgrades from the cast of Day 5 are showing themselves.  I suppose it’s a natural side effect of killing half the cast every year, but really, is there any excuse for super-sketchy Milo Pressman taking over the Edgar Stiles role? 
He looks like a greasy version of the guy who tried to blow up that airliner with a bomb in his shoe.  Milo brings nothing to the table but a few extra chromosomes, and all the hair gel in the world won’t slick that back.  Anyway, CTU gets a lead from Assad to a Russian general who knows Jack’s dad. 

Like anyone cares, Matrix guy gets roughed up by, ironically, some feds who look like Matrix agents.  He tacitly agrees to wear a wire and tries to blend in with some guys who actually appear to be of Middle Eastern descent at the detention center/gradeschool.  Sandra Palmer disapproves over and over, and gets told to shut up every time.

President Palmer’s main role this week was to roll down to the White House bunker, where his midget-nebbish advisor proposes taking the opportunity to drop a deuce on the Constitution, and some admiral recommends nuking like five Middle East capitals.  Fortunately, Karen Hayes shuts up mini-Hitler, who previously had shut up the admiral, so I suppose democracy is intact and war put off for another hour.  Palmer’s part this hour ends with a walk to his desk, the only ten feet he’s walked so far without his hand suavely in his pocket, to tell everyone to chill out. 

Jack, however, did not get the memo, and remains non-chilled out.  On the hunt for his estranged dad, he visits Graham, the wormy conspirator guy from Day 5, who turns out to be Jack’s dwarven brother! 
Better yet, Graham’s wife is played by still-kinda-hot Rena Sofer (apparently the only person not affected by 24 running at the same time as Heroes), who had some kind of thing with Jack in the past.  Graham, who really should know better, isn’t very helpful to Jack, so Jack punches him out, ties him to a chair and puts a baggie over his head.

Proposed Kimeo: In an attempt to flee Los Angeles, Kim could have jumped into the back of a pickup truck and hidden under a blanket.  Unfortunately, the driver would turn out to be an escaped convict played by Lou Diamond Phillips.

Major character deathwatch:    Probably too early to tell, but I’m going with Karen Hayes.  Buchanan and Hayes are apparently married or something, but why?  Has 24 simply lost touch with the kinds of relationships we’re interested in watching?  Almeida and Dessler, that worked.  Anything involving Elisha Cuthbert, we’re game.  But these two 60-year old sacks of sawdust, I could not care less if they hooked up.  The only purpose this relationship can possibly serve is to give Buchanan’s character some depth by having Hayes get ‘sploded.

Do you have an awesome theory as to who’s dying next, or any other brilliant predictions?  Let us know at craftinvegas@gmail.com.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-23 01:56:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1714441 The Morning After: 24 Tue, 16 Jan 2007 01:26:15 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1714441 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>




I have to admit, I’m a little wary of the new season of 24.  I mean, it’s already my favorite show, why do they think I need to hear how good it is from Stephen Fucking King?  If I want advice on Maine or a possessed car, I’ll call King, but that’s about it.  An endorsement from a weirdo billionaire who thinks America needs thousand page books about clowns is not a positive sign.  Why not have an endorsement from Nick Lachey saying, “This season of 24 is better than sex with Jessica Simpson”?  Hell, I’d watch Gilmore Girls if it had that going for it. 






The story opens with Buchanan and resident badass Curtis Manning picking up Jack at the airport.  The Chinese have apparently been torturing Jack for two years, with methods including gluing a big fake beard to his face and making his hand all scabby. President Wayne "Don Cheadle Was Not Available" Palmer has given the Chinese something valuable to get Jack back, but Jack’s still screwed.  Terrorists are blowing up buses in Texas, so Palmer’s going to trade Jack to one of the terrorists, Abu Fayed, in exchange for the location of the terrorist leader, Hamri al-Assad.  Fayed wants to kill Jack because Jack killed somebody, his brother or something. 

Jack’s down with the plan, and tells Buchanan not to notify Kim or Audrey, so we won’t be seeing them this season, most likely.  Honestly, Audrey I can do without, but Kim being off the show hurts me deeply.  I suppose it was unavoidable.  Ever since she hogged up half of Day 2 with her crappy babysitting, she's had a smaller and smaller role every year, culminating in Day 5's five minutes of screen time where she shows up, hangs out with a hopefully fake-bearded Soul Man, watches Edgar choke to death, and then flees the city. 

As the plot moves forward, I’m pretty sure that Fayed isn’t the real threat.  He’s just not competent enough.  His first move is to explain to Jack that he is the bad terrorist, and Assad is actually trying to stop the violence.  His second move is to basically let Jack go.  Sure, Jack escaped by biting through a guy’s throat, kind of a less-sexy version of Rosario Dawson biting Alexis Bledel in Sin City.  But still, Fayed, why not just shoot Jack?  Know how the bad guys in Bond films always lose?  Why are you copying their tactics?  Idiot. 

But the biggest giveaway that Fayed sucks is that his right-hand man is Kal “Kumar” Penn.  Don’t get me wrong, he was awesome as Taj in Van Wilder, and I’m glad he’s in the show. 
But terrifying he is not.  Did he get the gig because every Arab actor objected to being in the show?  Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure the guy who blew up the bus in Texas was Filipino, and Fayed is Italian at best, so maybe.

But you can’t really blame an Arab actor for not wanting to get involved with 24, what with Day 6's potentially-insensitive plot involving detention centers for Muslim citizens, not to mention 24's history of being so hit and miss on its ethnic stereotypes.  Sure, David Palmer was legitimately black, probably too legitimately black to be president.  And sure, the Chinese torture prisoners, which technically isn't a negative stereotype in their culture.  But aside from that, 24 is just unacceptably lazy for the 21st century.  I mean, come on, that chick who was shacked up with Salazar in Day 3 might as well have been played by Charo.  And in Day 1, that Serbian assassin guy was way too sophisticated.  As the only Croatian guy I know remarked, "Hah, no Serb would ever wear sunglasses on boat."  Hopefully this year they’ll be giving the world's various peoples proper respect, even if they're all portrayed as terrorists.

Anyway, after he escapes from Fayed, Jack saves Assad a few minutes before helicopters blow up his hideout.  They interrogate a guy who tried to betray Assad, with Jack sticking him in the neck with a pen and Assad stabbing him in the knee, then killing him.  They find out about a plot by Fayed to smuggle a really small bomb onto a subway, and pretty easily put a stop to it.  As a result, Palmer gets on the phone and offers Assad amnesty if he renounces terrorism and generally tries to help.

In the meantime, Palmer’s sister is hanging out with the guy who dicked up the defense of Zion in Matrix: Revolutions, and America is going all Nazi Germany on the Muslims, a trend which leads Kumar to kill a redneck, bitch at his neighbor for saying his name wrong, and then take the family hostage.  Kumar’s redneck attack left him bleeding badly, so he has to force the neighbors to be his stooges, delivering the trigger to a nuclear suitcase bomb Fayed has.  Eventually, Jack finds Kumar, Kumar gets shot, and Jack finds out where the bomb is.

The last act of the opener was surprisingly brutal.  Manning hates Assad because he beheaded some of his friends, resulting in Jack having to shoot Manning in the neck to save Assad.  Afterward, Jack pukes his guts out, and I almost do too.  I really hoped Manning would stick around, as he’s the only Manning that traditionally delivers in January.  Kumar bleeds to death, another way too early exit.  Finally, the tac guys arrive too late to prevent Numair, a terrorist-scientist that Fayed got sprung from a mini-Gitmo in the Valley, from fixing the bomb and setting it off, destroying a chunk of LA.  Even worse, Matrix guy, after being cavity-searched at a detention center, overhears some Arabic which indicates there are five suitcase bombs in play.  Looks I may have been premature in dismissing Fayed!

Future episodes appear likely to showcase Nadia looking hot and Jack torturing the wormy conspiracy-guy from Day 5, both of which are compelling  developments.


This week’s Moment of Gravitas: Jack saying, “I didn’t want to die for nothing.  This way I get to die for something.”

Proposed Kimeo: When the storage thing explodes, a hunk of debris could have flown out and bonked Kim on the head.  Disoriented, Kim would run into the forest again, where she is imperiled by a badger.


Questions, comments?  I'm at craftinvegas@gmail.com.  The picture over here is of Nadia, not me.






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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-16 01:26:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />