The first round of auditions took place in scorching Phoenix, where the talent and landscape were comparably barren. Randy, still sporting a modest layer of blubber, was literally melting all over the carpet, much to the dismay of Manuel, the mop-wielding custodian with the villainous mustache visible in certain celebratory shots.

The first surprise of the new season was the fourth judge, Kara DioGuardi, the big-time songwriter/producer who must literally sit outside Disney World with an enormous net, as she is behind the, ahem, music of bubbalicious stars like Hillary Duff, Miley Cyrus, Raven Symone, Vanessa Hudgens, and, go figure, Carlos Santana. She and Paula totally had the girl power thing going on, and it was expectedly irritating.

Length of episode: 2 hours
What happened: a lot of stuff
Who showed up: the Top 12, the judges, Ryan Seacrest, Tony Bennett, Joe Perry, Taylor Hicks, Kelly Clarkston, Carrie Underwood, Smokey Robinson, Gladys Knight, some other black people who sang with Melinda, Doug E. Fresh, that girl who cries every time she thinks about Sanjaya, the African Children's Choir, some whiny bitches who sang about Darfur, Reuben Studdard, Margaret Fowler, that one guy who yells when he sings, the bush baby kid and his sidekick Baby Beluga, Bette Midler
Who phoned it in: Gwen Stefani, Darfur refugees
Things that were awesome: Joe Perry's guitar
Things that were awkward: Blake's entire performance with Doug E. Fresh, specifically 1) Blake's whiteness and 2) his total botch of the handshake at the end
Things that were not awkward at all: Simon and Ryan's mutual affection, how much I want to hang out with Bette Midler, how much I wanted the Happy Hands Club to perform while Bette Midler was performing
Things that make me feel extra racist: (besides not knowing any of the black people's names) the fact that, if not for their costumes, I would have had no idea which gender each member of the African Children's Choir was
Things I am legitimately excited about: the fact that the fat black guy from Hustle & Flow is going to be in a show about New Orleans "after the storm." I assume that will involve a whole bunch of him being like, "Why the fuck aren't any of the fast food places open past 10 pm?" I won't really watch the show, of course, but Hustle & Flow marks one half of the total number of landmark motion pictures of 2005 in which Terrance Howard punched Ludacris in the face, so it's clearly awesome.
People I had to hear sing Beatles songs: Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkston, Taylor Hicks, Reuben Studdard, the entire Top 12
People I like to hear sing Beatles songs: The Beatles and MAYBE Fiona Apple
Who won: Jordin. Obviously. I called that like two months ago.
Things that were not a complete and utter waste of my time: Joe Perry's guitar. That's it.

What an anticlimactic finale this was. And now the phrase I've been waiting three months to type: Marino out!

We're in the ginormous Kodak Theater, watching old footage of Jordin and Blake from the Seattle auditions and onward with the approximately 450,000,000 people who fill the venue tonight. I am reminded, during this montage down Memory Lane, just how stupid looking Blake's hair used to be: really, really stupid looking. Thank God he got on this show, if only to fix that 4-foot frosted party hat that used to live on top of his head.

Speaking of things that are stupid: Randy's Michael-Jackson-cum-Jacob-Marley jacket, Paula's frizzy hair, and the fact that Paula "tripped over her dog, Tulip" and hurt herself.

1. Blake - "You Give Love a Bad Name"
Wow. Blake learned how to sing higher notes without leaning his head back. Awesome. Additionally: Blake's dad looks like he'd be the recovering alcoholic assistant basketball coach for some team in a mid-western state. He seems like the kind of guy who spends all day on an old recliner on his front porch, wearing a stained wife beater and his boxers, watching reruns of Step By Step on a 10" black and white TV and drinking a 40 and laughing about how goofy Cody is. Good people, in other words. Paula's score for Blake: "10 + 10 + 10 + 10" So... 40. I'm not sure why they're even critiquing these kids anymore, really. People are just going to vote. And hopefully Blake won't win so he can do his own awesome non-solo album and have awesome productions on his tour and continue to rock my socks off. Were I wearing any. Which I happen to not be... ANYMORE.

2. Jordin - "Fighter"
Man, but that's a lot of words all at once. I would really like Jordin's shirt if it didn't have that retarded dip-dyed thing going on. Just black would have been fine. Who designs these clothes, and why don't they design them more to my tastes? Idiots.

3. Blake - "She Will Be Loved"
I take back what I said about him not tilting his head back. Oh well. I swear to God, Blake looks just like a gay, preppy Ryan Atwood. I assume, also, that if Ryan had been gay and preppy, instead of punching people all the time, he would have dressed in argyle sweaters and sung Maroon 5. He also wouldn't have ever put up with any of Oliver's shit. Damnit, why did the OC have to go off the air? I hate my life.

4. Jordin - "A Broken Wing"
Jordin's mom is a fucking retard. What kid can't talk at 18 months old? A retarded one, that's what. Parents with an IQ of 14 notwithstanding, Jordin is so much better suited to this championship than Blake. She's got that whole "big voice, sentimental songs, pretty, old people will really like her as well as young people" thing that so many of the other winners have shared. Except for last season. And the season when Reuben won. But still. Blake is from too far into the future to win this and not be stifled by the responsibilities of being the American Idol. Jordin would do well. She's still a kid. And I'm fairly certain that we've been led to believe that she's from each and every one of our next doors.

5. Blake - "This is My Now"
This song is laaaaaame. And it really highlights the fact that Blake isn't very good at singing at all. Also would you feel like such an L7 weenie if you and your bff won the American Idol songwriting competition? I guess they're from Seattle, though, so it was either this or suicide. This is probably a little bit healthier. I really really really want Blake to produce an album that is nothing more than covers of The Cure and The Police songs. Simon is all, "This song sucks. Disregard it, everyone." Blake's vest is super sparkly. That's pretty gay.

So it's 9:06 EST, during the first commercial break of this, what is perhaps the most important Idol elimination since the invention of TV, eliminations, and American Idol. Normally I wouldn't watch the show until much later, when I can conveniently 4x FF through the commercials, but I'm staying with my friend until I move to New York, because I sublet my apartment to some fancy (sorority, I assume) girls, so I don't have DVR now. To help me deal with commercials, I'm undertaking to drink a pint of scotch during this show. To be honest, either it won't get done, or it'll get done with a lot of throwing up, which is cheating. And no one likes a cheater.

Hmm I don't really feel like updating this entire thing, I guess. Results shows are boring. Maroon 5 is playing. I'm going to go have a cigarette and then come back and then talk about how much I hate commercials some more, probably, because I'm drunk. I probably won't even edit this later. I submit that drunk American Idol is the best kind of American Idol. Almost like Rockstar: Supernova . Did anybody else watch that last summer? I really wanted Delana to win but instead that emo bush baby kid won. What a crock of shit that was.

I never noticed, but Melinda has bad teeth. You're famous now, Melinda. Get some veneers! She looks very pretty tonight, actually. Probably because her mouth is closed so I can't see her need for braces. I like her hair a lot more lately. It makes her look 28 instead of 48. Her shirt says "Death Cheater" on it, though, and frankly, I think that's a rather liberal term for "someone who has managed not to die yet." I mean, really. It's not like Melinda is wearing a Dreamsicle suit, riding Gatorade-powered cupcake motorcycles through a village in Nebraska during the Dust Bowl or anything. She's hardly about to be mauled to death.

After a brief performance by Maroon 5, whom I had confused with The White Stripes for at least the first half of the song, because both band names contain colors and I'm clinically retarded, Melinda is VOTED OFF!!!! Sincerely, I'm excited for this finale. I love Blake and Jordin more than anyone will ever know. But still. Melinda? The best singer in the universe? Off the show? Bold choice, America.

Let's just get right to it. I'm sick of this bullshit.

2. Blake - Roxanne
Not as good as the Moulin Rouge version, which isn't saying much, because that version is possibly the best recording of any song ever in the universe. The positive points: Blake sounds not unlike Sting anyway, which is good, I guess. However, he can't do the gravelly "ROXANNE!!!!" thing that I so admire in the Moulin Rouge version, and he's decided to wear a sweater vest again, which, I mean, is fine, but really Blake? Are you secretly 68?

My prayers were literally answered tonight, as Phil and Chris went home, leaving a Final Four that is 75% black and 75% female. Affirmative Action? Probably. The best Final Four ever? Definitely.

Was it me, or at the beginning of the show tonight, did Paula not talk about Simon's flaccid penis? What the fuck was that about?

So of course I'll miss Phil, our resident vampire/advanced lymphoma patient/bad parent, and Chris, our nasally, ex-boy-band member, inexplicably adorable kid, but the important thing is that Jordin is still in the running for the title she so justly deserves.

So, just so everyone's sure: Chris and Phil went home, finally, and Blake, LaKisha, Melinda, and Jordin make up the Final Four. Which means we only have, like... a month left of this? The show will be in overdrive from now on, so hold on tight as we careen madly toward this season's winner (Jordin. I hope.).

I know what you're thinking: Top 6 again?! Boooo! I wanted to see the Top 5! I know, friend. Me too. But last week they decided not to send anyone home, so there are still 6 people here, and I still have to look at Phil's ugly mug. Unfortunately they're sending two people home this week, so we'll never share giggles and poke jabs at the contestants over a Top 5 together. There's always next year.

...This is worse than the time my parents forgot my birthday.

My only consolation (beyond the 70 million dollars [American] that Idol Gives Back raised, of course. To give kids in Africa mosquito nets. To cure them of malaria.) is that JON FUCKIN BON JOVI is the mentor this week. Well, him and his piano man. So everyone gets to sing super rockin awesome Bon Jovi songs and I get to watch a little promotional video for the band and be like, "Man, Bon Jovi is so cool."

1. Phil - "Blaze of Glory"
(Query: has anyone else seen Blades of Glory, starring Napoleon Dynamite, Gob, Gob's wife in real life, Pam, and Buddy the Elf? Because its title sounds just like the title of this song. Also it wasn't a great movie, and I'm not recommending it or anything, I'm just curious.) Phil confesses that he used to sing this song into his comb 15 years ago. Back before the ovarian cancer took all his hair, rendering a comb unnecessary. I hope he dies in a blaze of glory. You know, from the cancer. I hope his ovaries look like the Aurora Borealis. I'm being mean about his lady part troubles, but I'm actually worried that Phil didn't do the worst job tonight. God, I'm so scared I might lose Jordin!

2. Jordin - "Livin' on a Prayer"
Um... Jordin? We need to talk. Come, fantasy little sister, and cuddle under my vintage 1994 Little Mermaid comforter with me. First of all, you borrowed my purse the other night and you left a lip gloss in it, so remind me to give that back to you later. But more importantly, you sucked tonight, kid. What was up with that? Didn't you say right before you went and sucked that your mom has been throwing Bon Jovi in your face since your infancy? Shouldn't you have been singing into your comb for the past 15 years, too? Although, based on the appearance of your hair this evening, I doubt that you actually own a comb. Anyway, babe, you should know that you can't sing that song. No one can sober. I guess maybe because you're only 17 and kind of -let's face it- a square, you've never been at a party or in a bar when this song came on. Everyone sings along, and it's like magic. A magic that you get from alcohol. And you did not have that magic tonight. Also, I'm not even kidding anymore, your hair looked ridiculous. I imagine you got the impetus for those red streaks from How to Dress Like a Totally Punkass Rocker by Gina Glocksen. (God, Father the Almighty, please don't send my fantasy little sister home. She's young. She's still learning. And she's so pretty!)

LaKisha and Ryan are in love. So are LaKisha and Jon Bon Jovi. So are LaKisha and Simon. However, only Simon declared his love by kissing her on national television. Well played, Cowell. I had pegged you for a homosexual.

4. Blake - "You Give Love a Bad Name"(Why are all these song titles full sentences? Jeez.)  BLAKE WAS AWESOME!!!!!! I love Blake so so so so so so much. He was all "ziggity zzzzt zzt zt zt ztztzt SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOU'RE TO BLAME!" Man, it was sick hella uber mega way wicked awesome. Also he dyed his hair brown and it looks really cute. I think maybe Blake can be mine and Jordin's fantasy older brother. He's the gay one, and Jordin is the sports one, and I'm the mean one. Killer! (Oh yeah. I forgot to use that to describe the performance. Note it.)

5. Chris - "Wanted Dead or Alive"
So... should there be a colon in the title? Damn you, Bon Jovi, with your grammatically ambiguous lyrics! Anyway, my snuggly bear TimberFAKE looked really scary in the lights tonight. It was like he wanted me dead or alive! Hey wait a second... I kind of like the sound of that. Maybe if I pretend it was a sexually predatory scary face instead of a righteously murderous scary face, I can still masturbate while watching the muted performance. Um, for real, though, it wasn't that great. Simon was all, "Well, you did your best. Which still sucks." I think TimberFAKE probably deserves to go home this week. I'll miss him, but there's always youtube. So help me, though, if both he and Jordin go home. I will carve their names into a heart on my forearm with a rusty corkscrew.

6. Melinda - "Have a Nice Day"
I like this one because in this sense, "Have a nice day" means the same thing as when southern gentlewomen say, "Bless your heart": "Fuck you." And obviously Melinda is a pretty decent singer, so it was good. Also I love her hair more and more every week. It just keeps getting shinier!

I am unreasonably worried that Jordin will go home this week. Apart from her, I don't really care who else goes. But man, Holy Trinity, it sure would be awesome if, like, Phil and Chris could go! At least Phil. Come on. He'll be joining you in heaven soon enough anyway.

Oops, almost forgot! Speaking of God the Father, our fearless leader George W. Bush and his woman appeared (on the screen) at the end of the show to thank everyone for donating moneys to po' kids. Then George threatened to sing, but Laura was all, "Son, they already seen yo tired, cracker-ass dance moves! Them people don' wanna hear you sing! Day-um!" and that shut him up.

You know that scene in The Princess Bride when Buttercup is dreaming that she's married to Humperdink, and she's dressed all pretty and walking out of the castle into the crowd, and everyone is cheering except for that one old hag who's going, "Bow to her, Princess of Garbage! BOOOOO! BOOOO! BOOOOOO!" and the camera zooms in on her face, mangled with age, and it makes you shudder? Well, that old lady was me at my TV last night, specifically during the last five minutes of this show, but really also the whole time. It sucked.

I'm basically so disgusted by it that I don't want to talk about most of it, but the important thing is that at the end, Jordin and Chris were left waiting to see who would go home. And everyone is dressed in these bright white suits, like Morgan Freeman as "God" in Bruce Almighty or a lesbian at her commitment ceremony or something. And I'm pissed off, not just because I like both of them, but because really, how could Jordin possibly be in the bottom two? That's bullshit right there. Anyway, Seacrest tells them that they're both safe, because why would they send someone home during a show about charity and being good people? Geez, I dunno, because that's what happens on this program? Maybe? Everyone is happy forever until he announces that two people will get the ax next week, and then they're just happy for a little while.

Oh, American Idol, what trickery will you dream up next? On the plus side, they resurrected Elvis to perform tonight, which means that this has been the single most important musical event in the past, like, 45 years. Good for them.

This week is apparently Footage of Simon and Ryan Choosing Which Foreign Baby to Adopt to Raise as Their Own Week. Really it's some stupid special Idol Gives Back bullshit, which I am clearly really happy about. I don't care about donating money, I really, really don't. I just want to get on with the singing. Isn't that what we're all here for? Right? Please?

Oh yeah, and Bono was apparently their mentor, and PRAISE JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR that I didn't have to deal with him. After all these GAP ads and the AIDS iPod and a really unfortunate incident I had at the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame in 2003, I'm really pretty sick of Bono. I probably would have broken my TV with a shoe heel if I'd had to endure him talking about how Phil Stacey's singing is going to put food in children's bellies.

1. Chris - "Change the World"
I wouldn't call myself an Eric Clapton fan, per se, but I do think it's pretty cool that he's from England or Ireland or wherever (no need to look it up, I'm sure I'm close with the geography), and he still stole the shit out of the delta blues and made, like, "Crossroads," and "Sunshine of Your Love," and whatever. He's a good musician. As soon as TimberFAKE started singing this, I realized that his voice isn't nearly sexy enough, and I couldn't help but hate the performance. With a sexy voice (and not that Eric Clapton has a sexy voice, really, but it's a lot smokier than Chris "Penny Whistle" Richardson's. Oh well. The judges ate it up, but I think that TimberFAKE doesn't have a lot of time left in this competition. Then again, no one does, really.

2. Melinda - "There Will Come a Day"
Finally, something that sounds a little gospel-y. I realize this is a ... Faith Hill? song (some country woman), but Melinda was able to make it sufficiently black sounding so that Simon didn't have to get all up in her bid'nass about how black girls shouldn't belt out country songs because they don't know how to lasso or whatever. I forget what his actual problem with it is. Probably not good for marketing. Anyway, Melinda is still rockin awesome, in case you were worried.

3. Blake - "Imagine"
Blake looked really cute tonight. I think it was the combination of new hairstyle and "I know this is going to suck just because it's 'Imagine' and everyone can sing this song and everyone does and it's never as good as the original, especially not in the eyes of these judges." I'd go as far as to say that tonight was perhaps Blake's best vocal performance ever, in so much as that this was just a straight vocal, and he didn't fuck it up at all, really. However, he's been getting a little boring lately. What's the good of naming a song "Imagine" if you don't get to imagine new ways of producing it? Nothing. No good at all. Anyway, what I was thinking while I was watching this was, "Blake really should have sung 'The Rainbow Connection.' That would have been awesome." And, really, would it not have been?

4. LaKisha - "I Believe"
Poor poor LaKisha sucked sooooo much this week. I mean, she looks bored all the time, like she's struggling to force her mouth to form the words because she's just so tired and apathetic and whatever. She messed up some notes, it wasn't that great, fine. The worst part was that the judges, for the most part, ignored what was actually wrong with her performance and played the old "It's not you, necessarily, you're fine, you're just not ____(insert name of big screamy famous female singer here)____" card. Lame. She's probably going home this week.

5. Phil - "The Change"
Obviously Phil had to mention the Oklahoma City Bombing when he was talking about this song. Okay, when did that happen? 1995? A DOZEN years ago? What next, Mr. Stacey? Trail of Tears? I guess Phil ran out of recent tragedies to exploit to get sympathy or empathy votes. That's probably fine, though, because he's been sounding better lately. And by "better," I mean, like, it seems like he found a fresh batch of hosts to suck the blood out of so he can continue on his quest for immortality and eternal youth. Dude looks like a vampire. A vampire with advanced HIV disease.

6. Jordin - "You'll Never Walk Alone"
It was pretty good, I guess.

I think tomorrow night is some bullshit mega concert benefit show, and it's going to last two whole hours (minus 37 minutes of commercials). I think... Keira Knightly is going to show up? Maybe Kelly Clarkston? Maybe Gwen Stefani will make a triumphant return. I seriously haven't been paying attention to this aspect of the show. It will be quite the surprise for me.

I've spent a long time thinking about what I would say when this day finally came. Weeks ago, I would have been righteous and jeering, screaming, "TAKE THAT, YOU CREEPILY-GRINNING LITTLE BOBBLE HEAD!" At first, weeks and weeks ago, when there were still multiple dozens of these songbirds crowding my week with their "music," I would have been pensive, wondering, "What might he have accomplished, had he not been cut off in the blossoming youth of his musical career?" Now, as I amble through the shattered dreams of the likes of Gina and Stephanie, hands in my pockets and kicking absently at the debris of forgotten lyrics and sour notes that litter the stages in America's collective memory, I pause as something glittering and triumphant catches my eye in this graveyard of broken dreams and fleeting personalities: ahead, in the center of this haunted battlefield, emerges the brilliantly illuminated, towering mausoleum of Sanjaya's idolatry. It is massive and defiant and hairstyled differently from week to week. At is base burns an eternal flame fueled by Simon's hatred and the admiration of hundreds of thousands of teenage girls. The priests who attend this shrine wear the cloaks of unapologetic anarchy. They are revolutionaries; they have arrived in hordes to practice their democratic right in this last bastion of American voting over which they can still exercise some power: the reality television contest. Sanjaya has been their false James Dean, their rebel pawn, their metaphorical cigarettes and mohawks and rock n' roll music and beat poetry. An army of sexually frustrated Catholic school girls guards the entrance to his temple. War protesters with their guitars, PETA members with their red paint,  and those motherfucking wet blankets from truth.com with their self-important orange signs form a picket line guarding this solitary, miraculous entity from the licentious eyes of would-be assassins. Not since 9/11 has this country banded together so unanimously on a single issue: Sanjaya sucked. And millions of people very week made damn sure that no one forgot.

(I'll probably post a video later, but I didn't want to rush it. I need time to work on this. It's going to be the Citizen Kane of American Idol farewell videos.)

The lucky se7en get down with their bad selves this week in a country tribute hosted by Martina McBride. Obviously hardly anyone likes country, especially Simon, so this should be fun.

1. Phil - "Where the Blacktop Ends"
Phil claims to like country, and to be from Kansas (I think that's what he said), and to be really comfortable in this genre. Those are all fine claims to make, and they may well be true. It's hard for me to tell in which genre Phil feels most comfortable, because I can literally hear Phil dying while he sings. I am absolutely certain that he suffers from a terminal illness. He's probably on dialysis every second that he's not on that stage. And I'm not just saying this because he's bald. Listen to his voice. What's that? You can't hear it? It's too quiet? That's what happens when your body is struggling to fight against THE LAST STAGES OF SYPHILIS!

2. Jordin - "Broken Wing"
Jordin looked like a goddess tonight. I think she's pretty all the time, but tonight I really thought she looked like she emerged from the ocean, or maybe from a giant, vibrantly colored tropical flower, fully-formed and flowing and shimmery, just to sing to me the prettiest song I've ever heard. Okay, not prettiest. But it was a good Idol performance. Even Simon said so. He said she's going to win. Which means that Simon has finally decided to agree with me. For reals though, you guys, I'm totes in love with her.

3. Sanjaya - "Something to Talk About"
Sanjaya is dressed like a mechanic. Who is also a woman. Working on airplane engines. During WWII. The singing was sub-par, obviously (clarification: is was fairly good, for Sanjaya, but shitty for the standards to which everyone should be held). The judges have stopped humoring his billions of voters and decided to actually lay into him again this week. They were met with boos that, if they were arrows, would block out the sun at high noon. And then Simon would insult people in the shade.

4. LaKisha - "Jesus Take the Wheel"
Obviously SOMEONE had to sing a Carrie Underwood song, and I'm okay with that somebody being LaKisha. Personally, I thought she did a pretty good job tonight. She gave me chills on some of the big notes, her hair looked nice, and she managed to keep most of her boobies covered up. I even forgave her metallic golden space boots. The judges were all, "Fuh fuh fuh you could soooo totally do better," which I think is just a tactic they sometimes employ to get people to pity-vote for her. So they won't vote for Sanjaya as part of the American Revolution II: Electric Bugaloo.

5. Chris - "Mayberry"
Chris sucked at singing a little bit tonight, and because he looked like he was ready to cry all through his judging and offered his condolences and prayers to VT students and families, I'm guessing it was because of that, and really that just makes me love him more. He is from Virginia. I bet he's sincerely torn up about it. I mean, on a more personal level than your average sincerely upset person. This week I also discovered why I love Chris, exactly, despite his apparent lack of vocal talent: he's southern. I'd forgotten about that. I have a soft spot for southern boys. It's the accent, and the attitude, and their general love of whiskey and going barefoot and calling me "babydoll." Man, I cannot wait until Chris and I get married. Barefoot and whiskey-drunk.

6. Melinda - "Trouble is a Woman"
Melinda looks pretty fly this week. She got some sweet-ass hair extensions that seriously make her look about ten years younger. And although Melinda brings it, as usual, unfortunately it has already been broughten by Jordin, whom no one can touch this week. NO ONE. Not even Melinda, and you guys know how highly I think of her. Jordin FTW!!!!!1!!1!! (Spirit fingers!!!)

7. Blake - "When the Stars Go Blue"
Blake is a wizard. He made me love this song. He made me fall in love. Not with anyone in particular, but maybe with The Cure (again), I think, and Wilco, too? Anyone who has ever sung about stars or happens to sound like Robert Smith, which Blake kind of does, but more than that, it restored my faith in humanity. Because I've never heard the original version of this song before, but I'm sure it sounds a lot stupider than the one Blake sang. I mean, for sheerly mathematical reasons (that I doubt I will ever hear anything that sounds better than Blake's version of this song), but the point is that he took a song from a genre whose products I haven't been able to tolerate for the past ten years, at least, and made it awesome and clear and simple and vulnerable and lovable. Like a baby is lovable. I want Blake to kidnap me and carry me off to the cloud palace (designed by Le Corbusier) where he lives with his synthesizers and fog machines and light gobos. Also, Blake totally wore an argyle sweater and looked awesome in it. Remember when Jared tried to pull that shit? What a jell-o loving fool he was!

I seriously think that Sanjaya has a decent chance of going home this week. But who am I kidding? It'll probably be Phil, or, to the chagrin of my eternally broken heart, Chris.

P.S. In all sincerity, my best wishes to everyone who attends or knows someone who attends VT. I would hug each and every one of you if I could.

AW HELL YES BITCHES! MY DAY HAS COME!
Seriously, thank God for this. It's what's best for everyone.

You guys, tonight was the saddest night of my life. I had a video all ready for what I was certain would be Haley's inevitable dismissal, and then, of course, GINA had to go and fuck it all up. Thanks a lot, America! Now I have to wait one, maybe six more weeks to put that masterpiece to use! Okay, it isn't really a masterpiece. I was just excited because I'm going away this weekend and I have a whole shit ton of stuff to do, and I was all, "Ooh, look at me, I'm so ahead of the game with the American Idol business! Now I'll have so much time to pack and figure out train schedules and do my real homework!" That'll teach me to not procrastinate. Also, I guess I'm kind of sad to see Gina go (especially over Haley. I really wanted that to happen for Haley's own good.), but I'm a little comforted by the fact that her clothes will be returned to the 13-year-old goth girl from whom they were stolen.
[upload:1160608:large:center:"Grr! I'm so angry that I have to wear this stupid outfit! I wish there were some way I could stop being such a poser..."]

Tony Bennett arrives to act as musical and spiritual guru for the nine Idolers who are left, which promises for a boring show, if nothing else. Mr. Bennett, winner of 15 Grammy Awards and Las Vegas's favorite octogenarian, claims that the music he sings is comprised of the "best songs ever written in America." If that's true, then he his newest album will obviously be featuring "White Houses" and "Gin & Juice." Also, as my roommate so astutely observed, Paula is dressed like the Hamburglar tonight.

1. Blake - "Mack the Knife"
I am so much in love with Blake and how he is from the future that I am willing to ignore the fact that his pants and his jacket didn't even pretend to match tonight. Coordinate, maybe, but "coordination" isn't really good enough when Seacrest is dressed like Regis Philbin and Paula is threatening to burger-nap everyone's dinner. Since you can do whatever the fuck you please with jazz standards, Blake obviously chose to sing this song with as few strobe lights and robot voices as possible. I was a little disappointed, of course, but I'm fairly certain that he was born in 2056 and has come back to our comparatively primitive era to teach us about music, and if future Americans still respect these oft-crooned musical gems enough to not tamper with them, then so must we.

2. Phil - "Night & Day"
Phil unnerves me lately. Sure, he looks like a physical collaboration between Vince Vaugn, Billy Zane, and Sadako of and the Thousand Paper Cranes, but he's actually sounded very good the past two weeks. Stop singing well so I can start hating all of you again, Mr. Stacey. At least I can rest assured that he cares about this talent show more than his most recently born child.

3. Melinda - "I Got Rhythm"
A couple of days ago I was on the phone with my mom, and we were talking about Idol, obviously, and she was like, "That Melinda has such a weird face! She looks like a gorilla. She looks like Magilla Gorilla's girlfriend. They should call her Melinda Gorilla," and I was just like, "Oh, Haley" (that's what I call her... it's not her name, but... actually, what I call my mom is really none of anybody's business) "that is perhaps the most racist thing I've ever heard you say." My mom is apparently the kind of person who would actually try to take back the term "porch monkey." P.S. Melinda was awesome and her dress was really cute.

4. Chris - "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"
TimberFAKE, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways: 1) I loveth the way thou appeareth on stage, striking a silly pose against a blinding flash of white light. 2) I loveth the way thou alloweth thine suspender straps to hang, useless, across thine pert buttocks. 3) I loveth the way thou cannotst actually singeth very well, but how thou hast captured mine heart despite it. 4) I loveth the way thou makest out with me in mine fantasies, then pauseth to grabeth for me another beer from the frige, then resumeth of the making out once I have taken two or three swigs. 5) I loveth the way thou wilt surely asketh me to marry thee someday. Please.

5. Jordin - "On a Clear Day"
I think Jordin is great and I want to invite her to hang out at my secret club house so we can talk about boys and take quizzes in Seventeen and eat Cheetos and say, "Oh, these Cheetos are going to make me sooo fat!" but know that we don't really care. The judges talked a little bit of smack about how it wasn't as extra-super-awesome and new-fangled as TimberFAKE's song, but unless you're willing to make your voice all silly and half-pretend to be Michael Jackson, it's kind of hard to make a jazz standard all "current" in a way that won't cause the judges to berate you for fucking it up. I think Jordin is going to win this whole thing, and I say that with complete confidence in the knowledge that I will never vote for her or anyone else.

6. Gina - "Smile"
Tony Bennett was all, "This song reminds me of 9/11, because I like to mention national disasters for no apparent reason because I'm 80," and I was like, "I guess that's fine, Mr. Bennett. Thanks for totally ruining the mood." Gina sang very prettily tonight. Honestly, I think these slow, emotional songs are better suited to her voice than the "rocker" malarkey Simon would prefer her to sing, but it's not up to me, I guess. Once again she looks like she stole her outfit from the rejected costume bin on the set of The Craft, and once again I wish she realized what size she actually wears. Stop sausaging yourself into clothes, Gina baby. You're prettier than that.

7. Sanjaya - "Dancing Cheek to Cheek"
Sure, Sanjaya's suit was too big for him and of a stupid color, and sure his hair was smoothed down with enough oil to keep my car's engine functioning properly for the next 3,000 miles, but don't you think it's kind of wonderful that the judges have officially washed their hands of this kid? Sanjaya has some sort of genius ulterior motive, and when his plan finally comes to fruition, one of two things will occur: the Apocalypse as foretold in the Book of Revelations or global thermonuclear war. In the case of the latter, it will become apparent that Sanjaya has merely accidentally begun said war while playing what he thought was a game on his 1987 desktop, and the only way to stop the bombs from detonating is to make it to the Finals of American Idol. Also, even if you hate him, you have to admit that it was pretty adorable when he started dancing with Paula.

8. Haley - "Ain't Misbehavin'"
I'm so sorry for Butterface. She knows that the only way she can stay afloat in this competition is to act like a lounge singer. She's prostituting herself for votes. It's not worth it, kid. You seem like good people. Put away the top half of your mermaid costume and retire to the loving arms of your fiance. Get out of here before you resort to performing a striptease on stage while singing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road."

9. LaKisha - "Stormy Weather"
Lalalalalala Boob-sha sang pretty awesomely. The LaKisha I fell in love with five weeks ago is back, having apparently sent her far more boring, bling-mongering doppleganger off to get a breast reduction or cosmetic dentistry or a better haircut.

Who do I hope will go home? Haley, for her own good.
Who do I think will go home? Again, hopefully Haley, but you never know. It could be... Sanjaya? Phil? These predictions are getting tough.

I made a photo montage to commemorate our loss of Chris Sligh. I'm a bad singer, so I guess you'll just have to deal with that.

The Morning After on Vimeo

Editor's Note: How strange is it to hear Katie Marino's voice?  Discuss.

-Street

I'm going to admit something to you, America. I used to be a huge fan of Tragic Kingdom. Back in 5th grade, as far as I was concerned, No Doubt could do No Wrong. Sometimes I look back on my 10-year-old, body-glitter-as-eye-make-up-wearing self and I think, "Self, that's a great pair of royal blue platform Sketchers sneakers you're wearing. Now, why I called is-" and at that point, I see 10-year-old me covering her ears with her hands and yelling, "Sorry! I'm not home right now! I'm walking into spider webs, but leave a message and I'll call you back!" 10-year-old me is kind of an asshole.

Also, and I know this is a really unpopular opinion, but up until tonight I was convinced the Gwen Stefani was one of the most beautiful women in America. I'm not going to bother to defend that opinion, first of all because it's a matter of taste, and secondly because after I saw her on Idol tonight, I became convinced that she's actually not a woman at all. Guys, Gwen Stefani is a robot. A really, really boring robot. And without her signature red lipstick, she looks like she has no mouth. And she's stupid.

1. LaKisha - "Flashdance"
I know it's pretty had to be boring on a song that contains both the words "flash" and "dance" in the title, but despite the fact that she had stacked her deck, I think LaKisha did a good job tonight. I'm back to liking her and wishing she would get some cosmetic dentistry.

2. Chris S. - "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
I've lost all the faith I once had in this dweeb. First he lied about being adept at various needle-based arts, and then he couldn't even stay with the beat on this song. Really, Chris? At any given moment, someone in the world is singing this song in the shower. Not even along with the radio, just singing it. And they're probably closer to being on the beat than you. Then he made up some shit about having to "learn about music" and not just "open his mouth and let pleasant sounds fall out" and "think while also walking around holding the mic stand like an idiot." Also he looks like the live-action incarnation of the improbable love child of Governor Ratcliffe and his pug, Percy.

3. Gina - "I'll Stand By You"
Gina actually did a really good job. She managed to stand still and not point unnecessarily, and this song suited her voice. Or vice versa. I still can't like her because she's still a giant poser, and when I say "giant," I'm referring specifically to the way her flesh seems to be encased in her clothing every week like ground-up animal parts in so much pig intestine.

4. Sanjaya - "Bathwater"
No... words... should have... sent... a poet...

San-gay-a, mohawk?
You're lucky people only
Care about your hair.

Hey? Maybe next week,
You could try relying
On your "talent," whore.

5. Haley - "True Colors"
Leave it to Butterface to manage to sing poorly the only song in the entire universe that I thought, up until this point, was literally impossible to screw up. Cyndi Lauper did it all upbeat, Eva Cassidy did it all mellow, and thousands of other people, like the ones who record it to play over a 30-second commercial-slot-filling "message" about the Boys and Girls Club of America, have managed to make it unassuming yet beautiful. All Butterface managed to do was look hot in a minidress and remind me of being in the waiting room of my orthodontist's office.

Well, America, I'm sad to report that the British Invasion is over, and just as Peter Noone and Lulu must sail back over the pond to their flats and lifts and loos, so must Stephanie Edwards make the long journey back to wherever it is that she's from. I'm not too worried about her, though. Something tells me she's a "Survivor."

What bothers me a little more than Stephanie leaving (which I'm fine with, and predicted) is the fact that my beloved TimberFAKE was the other half of the Bottom Two. Probably because he's not a great singer, but just look at the way his eyes sparkle! Sanjaya has nothing on him! Except maybe like a bushel and a peck of hair.

So there's your Top 10: the ever-huggable TimberFAKE, pocket-sized Melinda, LaKisha and her bling, Phil and his weird alien head, Gina and her anarchy t-shirt, Chris Sligh and his lisp, the unabashedly beautiful Jordin, Blake from the future, Butterface and her mile-long legs, and Sanjaya and his fancy hairdos. Odd how their most defining features are not their voices.

Light two lanterns, America, because the British are coming! Yes, that's right, this week is BRITISH INVASION Week, and you have no idea how badly I wish I could make those letters be gigantic and flash red and blue. I happen to really like '60s British pop music, and most everyone happened to be pretty good tonight, so it was one of those rare occasions when I actually really enjoyed this shitfest.

1. Haley - "Tell Him"
Tonight I think it became abundantly clear why I have dubbed this girl "Butterface." That child has some gorgeous gams. Her French braid was on the stupid side (It's BRITISH Invasion, you nitwit, not FRENCH In...braid...sion. Shut up), but she looked pretty amazingly adorable in her little hot pants and backless halter top. She also looked pretty amazingly adorable the way she was prancing around the stage, all happy and pretending she can sing well. Good job, Butterface. Keep showing off those mile-long legs of yours, and there may be hope for you yet.

2. Chris R. - "Don't Let the Sun See You Cryin'"
It made me laugh pretty hard when Peter Noone was talking about how stupid TimberFAKE's voice is. Hasn't he been paying attention to the wildly successful career of J.T.? Historical precedents and my illogical love for TimberFAKE notwithstanding, I wasn't as completely enamored of him tonight as I usually am. The judges all liked his little "sit on a stool and make it painfully obvious that my voice sounds like a dry squeegee on a windshield in the desert" shtick, but I think I appreciate him more when he's bouncing around and smiling at me. Also, I always assumed he was kind of short, but TimberFAKE looks like a giant next to little elfin Seacrest. I kind of really want to snuggle with him in a bean bag chair and watch Ten Things I Hate About You and rub his buzz cut. He reminds me of a teddy bear. A teddy bear who probably always remembers to get Dunkaroos when he goes to the grocery store.

3. Stephanie - "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me"
Lulu told Stephanie that she reminds her of Beyonce, and Stephanie did a pretty good job of acting like she'd never heard that before. Maybe she really hadn't, though, because tonight she cranked her Sound Like Beyonce dial up from "Cause Recognition" to "Unadulterated Copycat Overkill." The song was all boring, and I really wished I could just run up on stage and smack her and be like, "Wail on this song, you stupid-haircutted emulator!" I just felt like she could have done a very good job, but instead she decided to pretend to be Beyonce for four minutes, which I sort of understand, because Beyonce is pretty and I wish I reminded people of her, but at the same time... Play to your strengths, Stephanie, not to someone else's. Also, I wrote a little math equation while I was watching: boots + dress + jewelery = : ( She needs a new stylist.

4. Blake - "Time of the Season"
I am incredulous regarding the degree to which I find Blake sexy. I mean, the guy looks like Robin Williams in One-Hour Photo. He should be super creepy, but he is such a goddamn musical genius, and when he sang that "Who's your daddy?" line... I dunno. I kind of shivered and blacked out, and when I came to, the stage was still covered in Easter-egg-colored lights and Blake was still dancing all awesome, kind of like a mime who's trying to move so slowly that you can barely tell he's moving at all, but then you notice all of a sudden that he's twelve feet away from where he started and he's somehow holding a basket full of puppies, and they're yipping along to the beat. Also, Seacrest is a bad dancer. Also, Simon and Seacrest are so totally gay for each other and they're sooo not even trying to hide it any more, you guys.

5. LaKisha - "Diamonds Are Forever"
I mean, I like LaKisha. I think she's a good singer and all. But for serious, she gets more and more boring every week. This week she wasn't even trying. She was just all, "Look at my bling, sparkly sparkly sparkles," and I was like, "Zzzzzzzz." Kick it up a notch, lady! Just because you're better than mostly everyone else doesn't mean you get to slack off. God, black people are so lazy.

6. Phil - "Tobacco Road"
I always feel like Phil is yelling at me through his songs, like he's shouting, "LOOK AT ME! LIKE ME! I AM TALENTED!" and I'm just nervously inching away from my TV like, "No! Stop! Please don't yell anymore!" He's really aggressive, but it seemed like the band was overpowering his stupid little shouty voice tonight. Also, I don't know this song, but I really want to play it on Guitar Hero. That would totally rock. Oh, ALSO, I hope Phil gets shot in the face.

7. Jordin - "I Who Have Nothing"
Jordin and Lulu were adorable together in practice. Jordin is gigantic for a 17-year-old. I mean, I've been the same height since I was like 12, but I didn't start to look like a woman (I still don't, but at least I've started) until, like, last year. Anyway, speaking of becoming a woman, Jordin is the prettiest girl ever in the world, and she has excellent eyebrow control, and when she sings I get chills all over my whole body. What I'm trying to say is, I'm pretty sure Jordin gave me an orgasm with her voice. And I'm not kidding about that. Best. Four minutes. EVER.

8. Sanjaya - "You Really Got Me"
I think it needs to be said that before Sanjaya performed, Peter Noone was all, "This is not a singing competition. Sorry, Simon. It's a voting competition." And then Simon proceeded to froth with rage and look like a sourpuss pouty face for the rest of the night. Anyway, once Sanjaya got onto the stage, I could not help but erupt with laughter, because 1) he was wearing, like, a shirt with a hole in the sleeve for this thumbs to go through (?) under a blazer than looked like someone attached a printing press to a truck tire and then drove through white paint and across the front of his jacket and 2) there was a little girl in the audience who was just weeping the whole time. And, I mean, she was like 8 or 9, she wasn't young enough to actually be crying for no reason, and she wasn't just, like, happy crying, she was SOBBING. It was totally nuts. Also, Sanjaya just sucks. There's no way around it. He's completely awful, and I think that girl might have leukemia or something, and this is her Make a Wish Wish, or whatever, so imminent death is a pretty good reason for tears, but still. It appears that she was crying so hard because Sanjaya was just that bad at singing. (It wasn't even singing tonight. It was weird yelling awful bleh.)

9. Gina - "Paint It Black"
Gah, Gina is SUCH a motherfucking poser. I'm pretty much over her. I just... she sounds okay, and everything, but it just pisses me off that one day the judges were like, "Quit being you and be more ROCKER... that's who you really are." And she was just like "Shredded shirts and unnecessary head banging, here I come! Let me just make sure I have my superfluous chains on my pants... okay, check. Now I just hope I don't forget to point to the ceiling for no reason while I'm singing!"

10. Chris S. - "She's Not There"
I THINK this song is about a dead girl? Mr. Sligh seems less impressive to me every week that I realize he might actually be gaining weight. That's not healthy. It makes him all panty while he's running around the auditorium and singing. He sounded okay, as usual. His voice is pretty, but it was still kind of meh. Also, at the end he and Seacrest were all like "Fro Patro!" and the judges got all mad at Seacrest for promoting a single contestant, and they were like, "Ryan! We'll talk about this later!" and I was like, "OOOOH, Ryan got in trou-ble!"

11. Melinda - "As Long As He Needs Me"
Okay, so you guys know I think Melinda is the greatest thing to ever happen to the music industry or America. It's no secret that I want to carry her around in my bike basket and buy her ice cream and dress her in baby doll clothes. [upload:1007579:small:right:If that isn't the cutest couple of kids who just got their driver's licenses, I don't know what is.]That being said, when I was in 11th grade, my high school put on a production of Oliver! that was, if I do say so myself, pretty badass. And I was Nancy, the female lead who sings this song, no big deal, and I was totally in love in real life with the guy who played Bill Sykes, who is the guy Nancy's singing this song to in the show. And all I'm saying is, Melinda sounded really good, and she really sold the song, but I also sounded pretty good (for a 16-year-old white girl), and I actually really truly meant the words, because I actually was in love with the dude. So. Just saying. I obviously really miss high school.

Tomorrow we find out which singers will comprise the Top 10, as if that's somehow a lot more exciting than the Top 12 or 11.

It's time to meet your Top 12, nation! Instead of writing about this episode, I've taken the liberty (because we're in America, where freedom rings) of graphically representing the results using my extra-good drunken Paint skillz. See if you can guess who everyone is! It's just like a really easy, not-that-fun game!

[upload:976586:large:center:boys]

[upload:976590:large:center:girls]