CollegeHumor: Timeline Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759768 The Post-Collegiate Path of the Aspiring Novelist Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:45:34 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759768 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Age 21: "Now that I finally don't have to worry about finishing all this schoolwork, I should have plenty of time to work on my novel. This is great!"

Age 22: "Wow, I forgot how long it takes to beat Super Mario 3..."

Age 23: "Watching all the seasons of Lost back-to-back should help give me some ideas on how to develop my characters."

Age 25: "I'll just take this T.G.I. Friday's gig to pay the bills before my writing career really takes off."

Age 27: "You know, J.D. Salinger didn't publish Catcher in the Rye until he was 32, so I've still got a good five years to finish my masterpiece."

Age 29: "Really? You think I'm assistant manager material? Yes, I can say 'In here it's always Friday' with a straight face. You won't regret this, Mr. Johansson!"

Age 32: "I think I'm going to make the protagonist an assistant manager at T.G.I. Friday's. That's something a lot of people can relate to, right?"

Age 34: "Marrying Jennifer is going to provide me with so much more material to write about. Plus, she said her dad is going to hook me up with a cushy job at his company. I hope it's a publishing firm."

Age 34.5: It's not.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1596776"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/3/collegehumor.d37a7ef9cdc4df6326f3e0333c14e777.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-28 23:45:34 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1596776">Eddie Small</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:300"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 35 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737912 Joke Hat Becomes Real Hat Mon, 06 Aug 2007 17:34:34 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737912 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hey...hey guys, check out this hat! Haha. What's cookin' good lookin'? Brotha, can ya spare a dime? So funny. Oh man, can you believe, like, our grandfathers wore this kind of retarded hat around for real? Man, how they managed to find girls willing to bone them is beyond me! Why I oughta! Haha. Oh man, I can't believe this was just laying around! This hat is so mine.






Two days later
Oh dude, remember that hat I found the other day? I was wearing it this morning and...yeah, I just, like, laid it on my bedside table last night and then put it on when I woke up or whatever...and it makes my hair do this awesome flippy thing. No, I'm not gay, dickhead, I'm just saying. See how my hair is kind of flipping out today? It's from wearing that hat. Chrissy said it looked good, too. I mean, yeah, that hat is gay as sh*t, but you can't deny my hair looks straight slamming today.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-06 17:34:34 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 80 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736944 Underneath It All Wed, 25 Jul 2007 11:26:02 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736944 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-25 11:26:02 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 98 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733313 Excerpts From A Gen Ed. Law Class Fri, 08 Jun 2007 11:35:12 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733313 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The end of class, day one.

[upload:1483913:small:right:State school law class 101] Professor: (chuckling) And now you'll know, ladies and gentleman, the next time you get pulled over, and the police officer asks if he can search your car that you can tell him, politely of course, not without probable cause sir, I know my fourth amendment rights.

Student: (excited) Wait, so like, if my friend got pulled over and he's got like weed in the trunk and sh*t, he can tell the pigs to go to hell?

Professor: Um, well, in a way, yes.

Student: And like what if I was like selling coke and--

Professor: Why don't you save your question for another time. Have a good weekend everyone.
_____________________

Mid-class, day four

Professor: ...and according to Lochner v. New York, the right to free contract is implicit in the due process clause of the fourteenth amendment. You see, in early 20th century America--

Student: That's kinda like the time I got busted for buying E. See I used to work in this pizza place, right? My boss was this older guy, and he'd sell me some stuff sometimes. So, like, we had a contract, right? It was like a verbal contract that I'd buy E from him every week before I went out. But then one day the f*cking cops came in and busted both of us, but we had a contract so uhhhh... They were in violation of our fourteenth amendment rights, right?

Professor: Not quite. You see, the Lochner decision relates more to contracting in the sense of employment conditions, otherwise we could contract for anything and it would be legal under US law. Murder doesn't become legal if you hire an assassin either.

Student: Hey what if I'm smoking in my room, but, like, I'm just BLASTING this Moe show I downloaded and that hard-*ss RA comes in to tell me to turn down the noise, but then she see's me tokin'. What happens then?

Professor: This doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, now please, no more interruptions.

Student: Wait, but what if ... Well, I have a  housing contract so--

Professor: No more interruptions, moving on.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.aefefba05adec0eb158d18dd8d36a1b2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-08 11:35:12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:631494">Kevin Corrigan</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:344"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 53 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729208 Two-Week Window Mon, 30 Apr 2007 13:00:45 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729208 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Here's the breakdown:

Day 1: Wow, I met the most awesome girl last night at my friend’s party.  She’s like, THE perfect girl for me.  I can’t believe she watches SouthPark too. I thought only dudes, and lesbians watched that show. She’s not a lesbian, I don’t think so anyway. Yeah, no way. She’s so hot.  I should probably call her today.  Eh, I’ll wait a day, don’t want to come off as needy. Definitely a call tomorrow though, she wants to DO lunch. I’ll do lunch with her. I’ll do it so hard, she won’t even know what happened.





Day 3: So we DID lunch the other day, I even paid for half of it. Anyway, I’m going over her place tomorrow night for a “Sex and the City” and “the L word” marathon. We should be on her bed or a couch or something. Maybe a futon. A sofa would be nice too. What’s the difference between a sofa and a couch? I never got that. I’ll ask her tomorrow, she’ll think I’m deep as sh*t.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/9/collegehumor.45397a4c6c8241522ef776b95348cf0f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-30 13:00:45 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:326">Jeff Rosenberg</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 106 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730516 The Real World - What to Expect Fri, 11 May 2007 12:24:49 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730516 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It’s that time of year again, where many students are harshly thrown from the comfort of their off-campus housing, back to the towns and cities from whence they came.  Young men and women across the nation become nervous as they head towards the inevitable next step: The Real World.

But fear not, former undergrads.  The Real World is not as scary as your parents would have you believe.  While you may find yourself with a new “job”, chances are, you won’t actually be doing any “work”.  As a matter of fact, I’m willing to bet that most of you had a harder time making Blizzards at your part-time job in high school then you will have with your new career.

Let me give you an example of what you can expect in a typical work day:

9:17 AM – Arrive at work late.  Think about the fact that no one notices or cares that you’re never on time. Look over the walls of your cube and ask if anyone wants to go get coffee or a bagel.  Another co-worker who is also hungover will accompany you.

9:35 AM – Return to your desk with coffee and bagel.  See if anyone left you a voicemail.  Start scrolling through your bookmarked web sites: CNN, ESPN, Gmail, Facebook, CollegeHumor.  Debate whether or not you should finally make a MySpace page.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 39 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />