CollegeHumor: Train Of Thought Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728983 My Train of Thought Before, During, and After A First Kiss Fri, 27 Apr 2007 17:23:14 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728983 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Get yourself together! You’re Cruise, you’re Pitt… no, you’re Swayze. You’re “Ghost”-era Swayze, and she is your pre-Ashton Demi. Like them, what you need right now is the Hand-on-Hand. A gentle Hand-on-Hand will be your romantic traffic light. If she accepts, it’s green, and you go. If she accepts tentatively, it’s yellow, and you go. What would Swayze say if he were here? He’d say “The red bulb is broken, baby,” and then he would play a guitar solo on a moving motorcycle. Let’s do this.

You’re Hand-on-Hand, but oh man, your palms, your palms! She probably thinks you just crawled through a vat of diced honeydew. No, that’s ridiculous, why would she possibly assume that you were hello, she’s moving her thumb back and forth! This is monumental. This is the moon landing, this is the fall of the Berlin Wall, this is a Hall & Oates reunion tour. Now, focus. Distract her by pointing to an “owl” so you can get out your Certs and eat one, fast. You don’t need a lot of Certs – just one singular Cert will do.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-27 17:23:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 204 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720157 My Train Of Thought On A Long Car Trip Tue, 20 Feb 2007 10:24:32 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720157 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> All right, just me and the open road. Big old open road. Road road road. That's a weird word. Road road road road road. Towed on the road. Toad road. I'm in toad road mode.

I'm really glad fish don't live on land, because they'd get in the way. Probably couldn't even drive… too many fish.

Man, I could go for a Filet-O-Fish. No… a Fishamajig. "Friendly's: 10 miles." Boom. You're mine, Fishamajig. Fishamajiggawhat? In my stomach is what.

"Friendly's: 8 miles." I wonder who makes signs. How do you become a sign-maker?

I saw the sign
It opened up my eyes I saw the sign
No one gonna bag it up
Toboggan the light, where you'd be wrong

I should be a singer. Who's that black guy that makes up songs on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" Anybody can do that. I'll do that right now.

The man next door with the big old hatchet
Went outside and dug a hole in the platchet f*ck this.

Hello, Mister Man in the Pickup Truck. Mister Beard Man, Mister Oh No My Beard Is Eating My Face Man, Mister Beard Monster Man. Too bad about the beard monster, Mister Man. Shouldn't have worn your beard so tight.

Man, I'm horny. Why do I always get horny when I'm bored? Maybe I should try jerking off at 70 miles per hour. God, that would be tough. I would be a true champion. No. Because what if a bad song comes on the radio? I couldn't change it, and then I'd be stuck rubbing one out to Josh Groban. I wouldn't even finish by the time I stop at Friendly's. And then I'd have blue balls all through my Fishamajig.

Road road road road road. Toad road mode. Maybe I'll call my mom.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-20 10:24:32 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 179 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />