Tracey: Hey Brian! Good to see you!

Tracey: Hey... Brett? Did I invite you?

Me: You too. Sorry I'm late.

Me: You did not. I found an invite in the trash.

Tracey: I still can't believe you got Third Eye Blind to play my party.

Tracey: Weren't you the guy who said he could get Third Eye Blind to play my party?

Me: Yeah, they're old friends of my uncle. Excuse me for one second.

Me: Yeah, my uncle is a lying sack of shit. Excuse me for one second.

Tracey: That was amazing!

Tracey: That- that looked really painful.

Me: It's nothing. Just something I picked up during the six weeks of guitar lessons I got for my 17th birthday.

Me: I think I need to go to the hospital.

Tom: Oh man, I'm sorry I made that up horrible nickname for you. You're actually a pretty cool guy.

Tom: Oh man, period-face totally ate it.

Tracey: Agreed. Also, since all your acne cleared up last week, you look a lot like that guy from Dawson's Creek.

Tracey: Shit, the cops are here.

Tracey: Let's have lots of no-strings-attached sex before we leave for college.

ER Doctor: You're spending the summer indoors.

I'm not uptight like other adults.

I'm a raging alcoholic trying to relive my glory days.

My son's friends are jealous that their dads aren't this cool.

My son's friends feel awkward watching me drink myself retarded.

All the girls here find my jokes hilarious.

All the girls here find my sexual innuendos really, really creepy.

I should play beer pong!

I should be at home with my wife!

Everyone's laughing at my hilarious antics!

Everyone's forcing nervous laughter so I'll shut up and put my shirt back on!

My son is so proud of me.

My son is never inviting me to anything ever again.

I've still got it!

I'm still as immature as I ever was! My family is ashamed of me.

Where's the after party?

"Where's my husband?"

Best. Night. Ever!

I'm dead on the inside.

You guys want to party next weekend?

Please. I'm so lonely.

The government is switching all television broadcasting to digital instead of analog.

The government is going to break your TV.

But you already have digital cable.

You have a television and the government is breaking televisions.

I installed your new TV over the summer and I'm sure it will continue to work perfectly.

I know everything about televisions and you should call me whenever you have a question about them.

People with analog connections can get a coupon for a converter box.

Coupon.

But you don't need it.

Coupon.

Your TV is fine.

Coupon.

You should stop worrying.

You should call and have this exact conversation with me again tomorrow.

Ok?

Actually, please call me every time you see that coupon commercial.

Cool.

I love you.

Once elected, I will immediately begin working for you.

Once elected, I will immediately begin working on getting re-elected.

I am constantly reminded of a single mother of four I met on the campaign trail.

I am constantly reminded by my campaign manager to mention poor people in my speeches.

My opponent is an elitist who is out of touch with the average American.

My opponent has a yacht that is 10 feet longer than mine.

Being born an American has given me opportunities most can never dream of.

Being born a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant has given me opportunities most can never dream of.

I can't thank you enough for your support.

I can't thank you enough for your money.

I approved this message.

...Unless you didn't like it. Then I had nothing to do with it.

I'm going to fight for each and every one of you.

I'm going to generalize you all into one big group, then do whatever I want.

My faith is important to me.

My faith is as important to me as you want it to be.

Those words were taken out of context.

Sh*t.

Sleeping for 3 months straight!

Having your mom ask if you're high for 3 months straight!

Building houses for Habitat for Humanity.

Building unsafe houses for Habitat for Humanity.

Interning.

Photocopying.

Road tripping!

Paying for gas!

Babysitting.

Watching TV and getting sh*t on.

Being a Production Assistant's Assistant.

Watching TV and getting sh*t on.

Waiting for you buddy to hook you up with that sweet job.

Watching TV and sh*tting on your summer.

Not making summer plans till June at the earliest.

Not finding summer plans till August at the earliest.

Not worrying/figuring something out.

Taking summer classes.

I'm amazed to see such a vibrant graduating class.

I'm amazed to see such a hung-over graduating class.

Months ago, I began thinking about what to say to you all this morning.

On the plane, I began thinking about what to say to you all this morning.

I'm glad to accept this honorary degree.

I'm glad to accept this fake degree.

I was thrilled when your school first contacted me.

I wasn't booked when your school first contacted me.

I understand many of you may not recognize me.

I understand many of you were hoping for Bill Cosby.

30 years ago I was wearing a mortarboard just like you.

30 years ago I was chugging vodka from a water bottle just like you.

You will all go on to do great things.

Approximately 1/3 of you will go on to do great things.

Now surely, some of you made mistakes over the last four years.

Now surely, some of you majored in communications.

Weeks, months and years from today, your alma mater will not forget you.

Weeks, months and years from today your alma mater will solicit you for money.

You now begin the most exciting and wonderful part of your life.

You just finished the most exciting and wonderful part of your life.

No Trans Fat

Lots of other kinds of fat

Made with real fruit flavors

Made with real fruit flavored chemicals

No sugar added

No extra sugar added

Made with Splenda

Made for fat people

A good source of calcium

A good source of irritated bowels

Part of a complete breakfast

Tell your parents this is part of a complete breakfast

Certified organic

Certified to go bad very quickly

Low carb

High Fat

Low fat

High carb

Low sodium

F*cking awful

Attendance is 1/3 of your grade.

Attendance is 0/3 of your grade.

The textbook makes a useful reference tool.

The textbook makes a useful paperweight.

I recently got tenure.

I recently stopped caring.

We'll be doing a lot of group work.

Five kids in the class will be doing "a lot of group work."

I'm published

I'm making you buy my book.

I'm a Ph.D.

I'm self important.

I post the class notes online.

I don't care if you show up.

I like class discussions.

I like wasting time.

Feel free to come to my office hours, even just to talk.

I'm so lonely.

Attached to the syllabus is my home phone number.

Seriously, I'm so f*cking lonely.

Are you going out with your friends tonight?

Are you going to make me cry tonight?

Let's fool around later.

Let's snuggle later.

My friend, John...

This guy who wants to bone me, John...

Wow, your bathroom stinks!

Wow, I just blew up your bathroom!

I'm soooo drunk.

I'm soooo about to embarrass you.

Ooh, can I borrow this DVD?

Ooh, this is coming to live with me now.

My dad is just protective.

My dad is just a dickhead.

Ugh, I look so fat.

Ugh, I look for compliments by insulting myself.

Ugh, that girl is such a slut.

Ugh, that girl is better looking than me.

What are you doing this weekend?

What are we doing this weekend?

How old is your sister?

Your sister is hot

Wanna see what's on ESPN?

Dude, stop watching Full House.

Wanna help me clean?

Want to pick your sh*t up?

Hey, my girlfriend is coming here this weekend.

Hey, you need to find somewhere to sleep this weekend.

Is it cool if I borrow your deodorant?

I borrowed your deodorant.

What time do you get out of class?

How long do I have to whack it?

Are you goin' to eat?

Can I whack it?

You goin' to throw out the trash?

Can I whack it?

You goin' anywhere tonight?

Can I borrow your car? Can I whack it?

I need to get some studying done.

Turn off your Lou Bega CD.

I like this shirt.

I'm borrowing this shirt...and puking on it...then sneaking it back into your closet without washing it.

Dude...I kissed your sister

Dude...I boned your sister

My internet connection is messed up.

Can I watch porn on your computer?

Dude I haven't gotten laid in so long.

Wanna hook up?

Just kidding.

Don't tell anyone.

Do you have any lube?

Do you have any lube?

Loves good conversation.

Loves arguing loudly, and in public.

Classy

Alcoholic

Athletic

Flat

Funny

Ugly

Curvy

Chunky

Thick--but in the right places ;)

Chunky and delusional

Frisky

Annoying

I'm a romantic who loves spontaneity.

I've seen the Notebook 400 times.

Hopeless romantic

Hopeless

This exam will begin at exactly 9am.

This exam will begin at exactly too early.

You will have one hour to complete the exam.

You will have 10 minutes less than you need to complete the exam.

You may not use a calculator at any point in this exam.

You will need a calculator at many points in this exam.

Answer "True" or "False" for the following statements.

Guess about the following statements.

You may use up to four pages in the essay section.

You should use your "big handwriting" in the essay section.

There are 100 short answer questions.

There are 100 chances to be wrong.

There are 3 extra credit questions.

There are 3 extra chances to be wrong.