-Will you be Mein (Kampf)?

-Be my valentine and heil love you forever.

-Love me or I'll end you. I f*cking swear to god I'll end your life.

-This Valentines Day I can't bear to be without you (maybe draw a picture of a cute bear?)

-I reich you a lot.

-Our love is pure.

-You've blitzkrieged into my heart.

-I will f*cking kill you if you won't be my valentine. I will f*cking cut out your heart.

Valentine's Day comes in a close second to Christmas as the most commercialized holiday in America. And by commercialized, I mean “dreaded like a herpes infection spread by one Hallmark card at a time.” Window decorations let you know that it's just about a month before gift-giving obligations find guys standing awkwardly outside Victoria’s Secret.

Since I’m decidedly single this year, I'm starting to sympathize with the plight of pagans in December. Let’s face it: "sex blogger" doesn’t crack the top ten list of Best Person to Take Out to Dinner. Take into account my morbid obesity by Asian girl standards and I’m out of luck when it comes to finding a date for the holiday of love. Finding a Kama Sutra partner is a different story.

At the end of the night, it’s not who you break bread with that counts– it’s who you break off. And there are definitely ways to score ass even if you’re single. This year, I’m finding Valentine’s Day action a little hard to come by. My hookup of choice has made the poor decision of spending the holiday with his girlfriend. Girlfriend? Sounds pretty lame to me. But hey, I’ve got it fairly easy as the proud owner of two boobs and three orifices. If I spread ‘em, they will come … where they’ll come is another matter.

First off, Happy V-Day. Listen, I don't think we necessarily HAVE to go out to dinner. Before you freak out, just let me explain. Hear me out.

[upload:890042:small:left:Soooooo good.]First off, you know I haven't gotten my paycheck in two weeks. The stupid Food Services people in the dining hall are notorious for giving their checks out late and you know that. I talk about it all the time. I've actually made a point to talk about it a lot in the past few days- in order to cushion the blow I knew I would deliver by not going to dinner.

Secondly, where is there even to go? Like, there are maybe two good restaurants that we even know of, and we have to take the bus to get to either of them. Plus we've been to both of them. Remember when your parents visited? What's the difference if we go out and pay 100 bucks for dinner or if we stay in and pick up sandwiches from Miami Subs?

Also, Valentines Day isn't all about you right? It's not like it's your birthday. Valentines Day is about the couple and doing things for the other person. In this case the other person is me. And I don't think we should go out to dinner. And don't start with your whole, "Come on,Blake, we can split the bill" Crap. You know we never do that because I always get stuck paying the tip, then you'll want dessert somewhere afterwards- You think we'll split that too? I don't.