CollegeHumor: Wendell Blatt Articles This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775378 Wendell Blatt's 8th Grade Graduation Speech Wed, 06 May 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775378 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Principal Smith: Hello graduating class of 2009! I want to introduce to you our salutatorian AKA the smartest kid at school who still looks retarded compared to Wendell Blatt. Here she is, Mindy Kang.

Mindy: Hey everyone. I don't have much to say...

Stephanie McKinley's Mom: Boo! Bring out Wendell Blatt, he's so cool!

Randy: Yeah right, Wendell wears sweatpants all the time. Even in the Summer.

Stephanie McKinley's Mom: Wow, you're stupid and annoying. Sweats are comfy and practical. Plus I like seeing Wendell's huge bulge.

Mindy: I just want to say that even though my grades were better than Wendell's everyone knows he's the smartest kid at school. He just doesn't have to prove it by doing math.

Principal Smith: No sh*t.
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/1/collegehumor.2618616bb5cffc06c7d7b8216893ee97.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-06 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298">Jake Hurwitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:55"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 287 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754765 Wendell Blatt Goes Swimming Wed, 07 May 2008 16:44:25 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754765 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
She wants it.
Male Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?

Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.

Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?

Female Lifeguard: Yes.

Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.

Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.

Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/1/collegehumor.2618616bb5cffc06c7d7b8216893ee97.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-07 16:44:25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298">Jake Hurwitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:55"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 308 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738027 Wendell Blatt Signs His Own Cast After Breaking His Arm Wed, 08 Aug 2007 10:46:06 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738027 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:981690"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/2/collegehumor.7da4664f89f09b2b8af819d267938f7c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-08 10:46:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:981690">CH Interns</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 149 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736885 The Imagination of Wendell Blatt as He Practices Karate In His Room With the Shades Left Open Tue, 24 Jul 2007 14:36:35 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736885 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Mr. Maloney: Holy mackeral, Sue. Do you see Wendall Blatt over there?
Mrs. Maloney: In the window of that tiny house on the corner?
Mr. Maloney: That house looks small, but it actually has two bedrooms in the attic and the basement is completely finished and has a foosball table and a pinball machine! Plus, Wendall's dad has a really cool apartment in town.
Mrs. Maloney: Of course, I should have realized.
Mr. Maloney: Oh and his parents AREN'T divorced if that's what you're thinking. They're separated and that's not the same thing.
Mrs. Maloney: I know that.
Mr. Maloney: Anyway, that's besides the point. Look at those punches, he's lightning fast!
Mrs. Maloney: Whoa, you are right dear. Holy cow was that a roundhouse kick!
Mr. Maloney: It was. A devastating roundhouse kick. That move is really great because it looked like Wendall fell down afterwards but he was just going into a tuck and roll move.
Mrs. Maloney: Obviously. Wow, who do you think Wendall is going to use these incredible moves on?
Mr. Maloney: Who knows? Dragons, Evil warlocks, Randy Johnston.
Mrs. Maloney: That kid is so jealous.
Mr. Maloney: Yes.
Mrs. Maloney: Doesn't Wendell date that cute little Cynthia girl from down the street?
Mr. Maloney: They don't technically date but everyone knows she's so into him.
Mrs. Maloney: Because he's smart? Or is it because he's so good at fighting?
Mr. Maloney: Probably both.

Mrs. Blatt exits the house and gets into her car.

Mrs. Maloney: Oh dear, you don't think Wendall's mom is going on another date do you?
Mr. Maloney: No way
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/1/collegehumor.2618616bb5cffc06c7d7b8216893ee97.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-24 14:36:35 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298">Jake Hurwitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:55"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 107 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734227 The Imagination of Wendell Blatt, Nerdiest Kid in School Mon, 18 Jun 2007 16:04:55 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734227 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Mr. Sanders: So we're agreed then.
Randy: We're agreed.
Cynthia: Can we go over it one more time for the class?
Mr. Sanders: This isn't hard, Cynthia. Tomorrow during gym, we're doing "trust falls," and when Wendell goes, we'll all move out of the way so he falls on his back.
Randy: You guys get it?
Class: Yeah.
Cynthia: Isn't this dangerous? Wendell could get seriously hurt.
Randy: That's the idea.
Cynthia: Don't you think he might figure out that we're conspiring against him?
Mr. Sanders: You think we haven't thought of that? That's why we're all going to do a trust fall. Wendell will watch as each one of you guys gets caught by your classmates. That way, when he goes, he won't suspect a thing.
Randy: This may paralyze him.
Tucker: That would be so boss.

Mr. Sanders nods.

Cynthia: It's not fair, why do we just pick on Wendell, is it because he's so smart?
Randy: Yes.
Cynthia: And you're jealous because you wish you were as smart and good at math and science as Wendell is?
Randy: Of course.
Cynthia: Now I get it.
Mr. Sanders: If Wendell were a real genius he would skip gym class tomorrow.
Tucker: What about his perfect GPA?
Randy: Guess Wendell has a real conundrum on his hands.
Cynthia: He could always get a note.
Mr. Sanders: Yes I suppose so, he could get a note.
Tucker: That sounds like his best bet.
Cynthia: Where is Wendell, I want to have sex with him.
Randy: He's off fighting dragons.
Cynthia: (gushing) He's so brave
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/1/collegehumor.2618616bb5cffc06c7d7b8216893ee97.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-18 16:04:55 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298">Jake Hurwitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:55"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 55 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739176 Wendell Blatt Goes To College Thu, 23 Aug 2007 16:16:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739176 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Dean Cain: Hello Wendell, welcome to Yarvard- the hybrid of Yale and Harvard we had to create when you got 1 million on your SuperSATs. I'll be your Dean, Dean Cain- TV's Superman.

Wendell: Coo.

Cheerleading Team: Hey Wendell!

Wendell: Sup?

Cheerleading Captain: Is that a dragon on your silk shirt?

Wendell: Yes.

Cheerleading Captain: (Flashes her breasts) I love you.

Quarterback of the Yarvard Football Team: Here, you be QB, I suck compared to you.

Dean Cain: Hey, do you want some diamonds?

Wendell: Sure.

Dean Cain: (Dumping a bucket of diamonds on Wendell) What's that orange stuff under your fingernails?

Wendell: Cheeto cheese.

Dean: Sweet.

Cheerleading Captain: (Licking it off) It's delicious.

Mr. Blatt: I'm proud of you, Wendell.

Mrs. Blatt: Your father and I are getting back together.

Cheerleading Team: Let's be roommates!
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/1/collegehumor.2618616bb5cffc06c7d7b8216893ee97.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298">Jake Hurwitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:55"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 83 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />