1. People who are arrested for breaking and entering & attempted murder are put in a magical jail cell where they are easily able to break out in two years, just in time for a sequel.
2. "The Sticky Bandits" would make a great band name.
3. It was highly plausible to accidentally get on an airplane traveling to New York City pre-9/11.
4. You can survive in New York City with nothing but a Talkboy and a Polaroid camera.
5. Being attacked with countless paint cans, having your skull lit on fire, and being shot in the face close range with a staple gun will never reduce any attempted acts of aggression against innocent children.
6. Four bricks thrown from the top of a two-story building will simply leave a red mark on your forehead.
7. In the end, it pays off to befriend a crazy person that you met in Central Park.
8. It is possible to have a $967 room service bill consisting of only ice cream purchases.
9. Catherine O'Hara and John Heard are silly and forgetful.
10. Catherine O'Hara and John Heard are also horribly inadequate parents.

1. Apparently the Titanic had survivors?? And as of 1997, they were really old.

2. Chicks love mysterious, artsy guys.

3. Or do they just love guys named Jack?

4. Or only guys that look like Leo DiCaprio?? Whatever.

5. If you stand at the front of a boat and hold your arms out, it's not lame at all. In fact, it's really romantic.

6. What boobs look like.

Editor's note: When I started this column, I had only planned on featuring current movies, but Tommy's insanely outdated contribution has inspired me. Feel free to post a review of ANY movie, and we can all reminisce together. Happy 10 year anniversary of your first theatre boner.

2. From now on, ride with Rhodey.

3. It is much simpler to build a supercharged battery/electromagnet that fits in a permanent hole in your chest cavity than it is to schedule a heart surgery.

4. Fire-extinguishing robots are needy and insecure.

5. It will only take me a few minutes to fly from California to Afghanistan, because the truth is, I am Iron Man.

6. Jeff Bridges will shave his head and murder you if he has to.

7. Should I strap on the additional super-suit and help my friend fight his power-hungry nemesis who stole his heart-battery to power an iron suit the size of a school bus? Nah. Next time, baby. Next time.

8. Gwyneth Paltrow would sooner name her child after a fruit than make out with Robert Downey, Jr.

2. Being forced into a police lineup is a fun way to meet new friends.

3. There is a country out there somewhere producing men with accents like they have received a tracheotomy from a blind carpenter.

4. Wind is strong enough to blow Gabriel Byrne's hair into a Beatles mop cut, but not strong enough to change the course of a flicked cigarette butt.

5. Stephen Baldwin is, in fact, capable of not stripping a film of all of its credibility.

6. Murdering your wife and kids instantly garners you legendary status within both the criminal underworld and law enforcement communities.

7. Drug deals are best done on highly elaborate and explosive watercrafts.

8. Upon joining the FBI, you are immediately transported to a time when smoking a cigar in an intensive care unit is the right thing to do.

9. Kevin Spacey looks stunning in a pin-striped suit and fedora.

10. You can fool a customs agent using only a coffee mug and the resolve to keep your hand contorted for 45 minutes.

11. Criminals are able to urinate with the precision of a table saw.

2. I'm a disgusting human for noticing/commenting on this.

3. At any given time, the person you're involved with has feelings for someone else. That's what makes it a romantic COMEDY!

4. If you stab your boyfriend in the back and ruin his career, he'll dump you. Oh wait, I already knew that, and I'm not a dillusional r-tard like Rachel Weisz's character.

5. The location scout for this film has never tried to rent an apartment in New York City. Last time I checked, two grad students could not afford a duplex.

6. When casting your life, make sure to fall in love with exactly one blonde, one redhead and one brunette. No more, no less.

But seriously, this movie was cute, no?  Who knew Van Wilder could be so romantic?  Besides Tara Reid, I guess.  Yikes.  You've come a long way, Reynolds.

1) Interactive comic books will be the next big thing.

2) Entry-level computer programmers make enough money to rent and furnish a lavish NYC apartment.

3) You can get a job with zero experience, no background information, and without filling out a W-2.

4) Women find men with a childish personality charming and attractive, and want to sleep with them.

5) Knowing how to play the piano will land you a big promotion.

2. All other black people drink nothing but Krystaal and Hypnotiq on Ice.

3. If you end up running an airline, always drug test your pilots. Especially if their name is Snoop Dogg.

4. Central Park can be used as an emergency landing area for a 747.

5. All people in Texas either look like Hoss Cartwright (from Bonanza) or Laura Ingalls (from Little House On The Prairie).

6. There don't need to be any snakes to make a bad movie about air travel.

1.) Crispin Glover was born to play the role of George McFly... and therefore has no particular reason to still be alive.

3. In the rock business, even if you look like you're 12, people will believe you're 18. No questions asked.

4. In 1973, writing the article on the cover of Rolling Stone would only net you a thousand bucks.

5. If you are electrocuted by your mic in front of 20,000 horrified fans, you are still expected to finish the show.

6. Tripping on acid with townies is actually a good career move.

7. Even pilots are stoked when they make it out of a thunderstorm alive.