Cute College Girls

A bit about Sidney...

What would be your favorite part about being a guy if you were one?

Let me just preface this question by saying that I actually used to be a guy. And I don't mean all you lame ass girls who say "I'm a total tomboy, lulz!" NO. SHUT THE F*CK UP. I had a Ringo Starr circa 1964 haircut, I was super overweight, had braces, and with no real chin. I got f*cking yelled at for walking into a girl's bathroom in 5th grade by a teacher who thought I was a boy. Suck on that, you faker tomboys. That being said, I'd really enjoy peeing standing up. I've always wanted to spell my name in the snow with my urine. Oh man, some days I'd probably have enough ammo to write a paragraph, maybe even a novella? Too far?

Are you hot?

Well if I'm not, what a cruel joke on your part. Thank you for slashing my self confidence at your own amusement, CollegeHumor.com. I hope you get your karmic retribution and a horse steps on your face. Or you get Syphilis AGAIN.

What is your favorite 80's song?

Okay, it's going to have to be a tie. Firstly, "Within You" by David Bowie, because he is God, and I am his eternal worshiper. And secondly, "Big Log" by Robert Plant, because the title makes me think of poop, and I laugh every single time I hear it.

If you could live anywhere, where wouldn't it be?

Anywhere with a Walmart. I think there's a direct correlation between lameness of a city and presence of Walmart.

If any fantasy creature could be real, what would you choose?

Maybe this is just my fantasy, but I wish I could have a bunch of large animals be miniaturized and I could keep them as pets. Picture it, an elephant the size of a chihuahua or a guinea pig. And then you could squeeze your mini elephant and he become a squirt gun! That'd be awesome.

I have a theory that girls can't whistle, can you?

Simon & Garfunkel taught me how to whistle with "Me & Julio Down by the Schoolyard". They've taught me so many things. How to love, how to feel groovy, how to be a rock, fifty ways to leave my lover.

Can you unwrap a Starburst with your tongue?

No, but I've developed a good exit strategy when faced with this challenge. You put the Starburst in your mouth, and pretend to be unwrapping it, and then, when your friends are watching closely and it seems you've accomplished the feat, you spit the whole thing in their face and run away. Foolproof.

Zack or Slater?

Screech! I am not even joking. I have the most bizarre taste in boys. They have to be either gawky and gangly, or so ugly that they're cute. I like to call this the bulldog complex, because bulldogs are so ugly they're cute. My biggest celebrity crushes in elementary school were Jeff Goldblum, William H. Macy, and Steve Buscemi. Enough said.

What's the fattest fat person food you like?

My mom used to make cheese filled hot dogs wrapped with bacon and pickles. You feel like you are publicly masturbating when you eat them, they are THAT SHAMEFUL, and yet it feels soooooo good. And if you're in the mood for something sweet, combine peanut butter, chocolate chips, honey nut cheerios, and chocolate syrup in a bowl, and enjoy. Oh god, you will enjoy.

Sex is cool, right? When was the last time "you got yours"?

Right now. This very second. In fact, I'm typing with one hand. Now I'm typing with my nose. It took me twenty minutes to write that.