Tell us an original joke.
What happened when the thermometer fell on the ice? The temperature fell! Okay, so I read that on a Dixie cup when I was 5 and then proceeded to pretend it was my own design for the rest of my life. But my mom laughed, and probably thought I was pretty gifted.
What's the funniest thing in the world to you?
People! I could just sit and stare at people all day and laugh. I don't know, there is just something so amazing about people's personalities and reactions with each other. Growing up in a small town, it was me and my best friend's job to get reactions out of people whenever we could. After Christmas one year we bought a Dora the Explorer Playhouse for super cheap and built it in the target parking lot with a camera rolling. Then we just kind of hung out. Some people would try as hard as they could to pretend we weren't there, but others came and joined us. I believe at one point I asked an older lady if she would water our plants while we were on vacation, and she was the most adorable muffin of an old lady. I should've asked her for her number so I could actually get my plants watered by her now, I know she'd do it. Oh. And ask anyone, I'm completely amused by making up my own little songs on the fly. Their usually about my affinity for old people, which is a great genre that no one has really exploited yet. Now that I write this it'll probably blow up. If I turn on the radio and here Jay-Z rapping about denture cream. I got 99 teeth glued to my gums. www.myspace.com/noboysallowed, anyone?
What is the earliest time of day you're ever started drinking and why?
Yeah... so... I don't drink. Before you go checking your records and calling my college to make sure I indeed am enrolled in an higher level learning program, I just want to say I never had the desire to drink. I honestly am crazy enough sober, and I don't think I could handle myself. Haha. Not a day goes by where someone doesn't ask me if I am drunk or have been dropped on my head recently. There was a time a downed 5 32 oz green teas within a couple hours. I know. I survived though.
What song did you lose your virginity to? Did he even last through the entire song?
The Alphabet song during naptime in Kindergarten. Just Kidding. There wasn't music though I'm sure I had something from A Goofy Movie soundtrack in my head. It's just so good.
Do your boobs have names? If so what are they?
Small and Smaller? Haha. But I'm alright with that. I think if I had big boobs I would have to get an entirely new wardrobe. I have way too many looooow cut shirts. I'd also probably hit myself in the face a lot. And I've already had a dangerous amount of concussions.
If we all had novelty gravestones, what would yours say?
"Concussed for the last time" I am really clumsy. I am always hitting my head at the bottom of pools or while opening doors. Last week I dropped a goldfish cracker and hit my head on my counter while picking it up. I think there is a conspiracy against me.
Come up with a raunchy color name for a new Crayola crayon.
Beaver. That was actually a name at one time. Wikipedia that shit.
Have you ever made out in a movie theater?
Probably one of the most uncomfortable situations you can be in. I paid 8 dollars to watch the crazy antics of Steven Martin and Bonnie Hunt as they try to raise their 12 kids, please just let me watch it!
Most masculine attribute:
My humor. It probably turns a lot of people off but I will make more fart jokes than Beavis and Butthead if I'm in the right mood. I have probably 2 real good girlfriends, otherwise I've always hung out with the guys... or my dog. A lot of girls are just too uptight.
Have you ever been fired from a job?
Never! But I am super picky about my jobs. I never really liked the people in my town so I made sure I got jobs where I didn't have to work with them. Yeah, they were that friendly. I've been a Personal Care Attendant since I was 16, which means me one on one with a person with special needs. I felt like I should've been fired many a time because they would literally let me sleep on the job for 5 of the 9 hours I was at the clients house everyday at my first job. And have as many cookies as I want. Man, that was rough. They're lucky I didn't just quit right there. I shouldn't have to put up with such horrible work conditions.
× Share with friend
Get to know Melissa