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Your Future Roommate

by Jake Hurwitz 11 hours ago
Dear future freshman... Somewhere in the world, your roommate just filled out his Roommate Selection Questionnaire.



 


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The Weekly WYR

May 15th

by Jake Hurwitz 13 hours ago


It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, submit it at the bottom of this or any WYR article.

Would You Rather...

  • Have a sweet car that turns into a Transformer like Bumblebee from the movie, or have the female Terminator from Terminator 3 be your personal body guard and sex slave? From jack
  • Live in the Narnia Kingdom, or live in Harry Potter's magical place? From Jimmy
  • Fart every time you orgasm, or orgasm every time you fart? From Mike
  • Be admired by ALL men in the world, or be loved only by the one woman you choose? From Cesar (Bruce)
  • Have sex with the hottest girl in your class, or have sex with every other girl in your class? From James
  • Never be able to wipe your butt after pooping, or never be able to dry off after taking a shower? From Dale
  • Have sex with anyone in the world anytime for a month., or get free food for the rest of your life? From Bradly
  • Never watch Lost ever again, or be forced to watch each new episode with someone who's never seen it before and tell them exactly what is going on? From Xavier

Finally, this week's winner of the You Don't Have Bad Sex With Jake Hurwitz Award is Jake's Dada, who sent in this.

  • Have terrible sex with Jake Hurwitz and never get off or have sex with a cousin and always be able to get off? From Jake's Dada

Sorry man, it just doesn't happen.

If you have a good WYR, submit it below. Check back every Friday to see if yours made the cut.

  • First Name:
  • Last Name:
  • Would You Rather...

    or
 


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Celebrity Now

Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

by Kate Spencer 13 hours ago


Is there a presidential election going on? Because all I see see is skin.

Kim Kardashian loves looking at herself in a bikini, and so do I. [Egotastic]

On the other hand, Lily Allen gets naked to go swimming, and she looks exactly like what you imagine your sister to look like naked. Judge for yourself here: [Egotastic]

Jessica Simpson's boy toy Tony Romo cheated on her with another plastic looking blonde with fake skin. See a pattern? [DListed]

  KEEP READING


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How to Get a Girl While Moving Out of Your Dorm

by Susanna Wolff 16 hours ago
This is your last chance here, gentlemen. That girl from your floor whom you thought was kind of weird until you saw her in a towel and reconsidered? She can still be yours.

There are a few standard ways to start to charm her: if you've got some upper-body strength, help her with boxes. If you're tall, help her with posters. If you're a short, pathetic weakling, supply the Goo-Gone. You know, work what genetics/a trip to the hardware store gave you.

But, just knocking on her door and offering to help is not exactly subtle, so what you're going to want to do is dip your head into her room and ask if she has something she almost definitely won't have for you to borrow (i.e. a wrench or a squeegee). Once she says no, you are free to casually come to her aid in one of the previously mentioned ways.

While you're helping, flirt. (Duh.) If you don't know how to do that (jeez), here's an obvious suggestion: make fun of her. (Yes, college really is just a less educational version of 2nd grade.) Don't be, like, mean mean, but pick on her enough to elicit a little embarrassed laughter. Because she's laughing, she'll start to think you're funny even though all you did was make fun of her for owning "The Cutting Edge" on VHS.
  KEEP READING


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Assorted Jelly Beans - Babar

by Ben Schwartz 17 hours ago

Here is the second installment of RejectedJokes.com's Assorted Jelly Beans - the one panel comic written by Ben Schwartz and brilliantly illustrated by Steve Dressler.

 


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If 21st Century Girls Had 17th Century Standards

by David Siegel yesterday

Tricia and Kara, two extremely hot girls, are laying out in the quad.

Tricia: Oh my god, Kara, take a look at Henry Popper over there laying on the bench.

Kara: Wow. Look at that healthy, full gut. He must be like, totally well fed and wealthy.

Tricia: Seriously. He must get to eat rich, dairy-based foods and meats, like, all the time.

Kara: Compared to Biff Ryland over there playing Frisbee, all sinewy and shirtless.

Tricia: Effing gross. Look at those abs and well-defined delts. Uhh, can you spell "field laborer?"

Kara: Haha, you're such a bitch, Tricia.

Tricia: It's true! Ew, and that bronze tan? Girl I want a man that owns the land, NOT works on it.

Kara: Ew, Biff even has that "cut V" thing going on near his crotch.

Tricia: Sheesh, why doesn't he just wear a sign that says, "I don't get to eat figgy pudding with gravy very often."  KEEP READING


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Home Plate

If My Boyfriend's Penis Was A Motivational Speaker

by Mindy Raf yesterday



My BF's Penis: Hello boys. Thank you all for being here today. By a raise of shafts who here is new? Okay, good! Welcome. And how many 3-6 month relationshipers do we have with us? Good! Keep at it, it's good you're here now. And what about a year or more...? Great. Kudos to you all.

Okay, first off, I know what you're all going through. I'm going on two years and three months. Some days are awesome and others, man, it's an uphill battle. But you gotta keep your eye on the PRIZE. You gotta FOCUS.

Have her techniques and tricks gotten old? YES! Have her choke holds and thrusts become more and more predictable? HELL YES! But here's the thing fellas: he loves her and he's not going anywhere, so we have to keep on keeping on!
  KEEP READING


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Roommate Confessions

Issue 25

by Jeff Rosenberg yesterday


It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been alot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out thetop 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

Freshman year, that creepy guy at the crosswalk gave us both a miniature bible. You threw yours away and somebody made a joke about you going to hell for throwing away a Bible. When you weren't looking I took the bible out of the garbage and hid it in your sock drawer. Then when you asked me two weeks later whether or not you had thrown it away, I just said "I thought so." Then I took it out of the garbage again and hid it in your closet drawer. When you found it and freaked out, I played it cool. I knew you were suspicious of me, so I looked for it for a few days before I found it in your porn stash(which was well hidden, by the way). Then I checked every day until the bible was gone (you must have thrown it away in the dumpster.) then I put my identical bible in your drawer. Then when you were really scared and told me what was going on, I was a total dick and said you should probably tell your priest. I'm really sorry, I didnt think you'd actually tell your priest that you hid a bible with a bunch of porn.
Andy, USD

We have a super annoying roommate. Basically everything she does makes us want to slap her. She goes home to visit her mommy every weekend so we throw parties when she's out of town and let anyone who wants to have sex on her bed. It usually happens a few times every weekend. What's worse is we've never seen her wash her sheets.
Kendall, UIC   KEEP READING


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Senior Citizen Video Games

by Thomas Murray yesterday

Due to recent record profits in the video game market, many video game companies have decided to try and profit from the single largest demographic: Baby boomers. Fortunately, I was able to get a hand on some of those video games. Here's a first look:

  KEEP READING


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