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105% Percent

Issue #65

by 105%-o-matic 10 hours ago

We can't go two sentences without making a. Joke.

If pandas know Kung Fu, then how are they endangered?
-Dom Tetro
Am I the only one who thinks NASCAR would be a lot more fun if after the 250th lap they have to start turning right?
-Richard Conran
Darfur's poverty level is at an all-time high. Why not send some of your clothes to those less fortunate? Surely they'll wash them for you at a reasonable price.
-Patrick Cassels!slice
Pick-up Lines That Don't Work Like They Used To
- Are you smuggling sandbags in your skirt or do you just have the perfect hip structure to bear my children?
- You smell like sh*t.
- Don't worry babe, I can protect you from dragons.
-Tyler Reiriz
Drunk Math Geek
"Man I'm so hammered, I'm not even rating girls on a base 10 system anymore! It's all binary, baby."
-Kevin Slane
Worm 1: Feel that? Its raining.Worm 2: Wanna go out and die on the sidewalk?
Worm 1: God yeah.
-Jay Walker
More-Specific Snack Food Insults Beyond "Oreo" and "Twinkie"
Chicken nugget: short coward
Mixed nuts: multiracial lunatics
Ritz cracker: preppy white guy
Beef jerky: mean-spirited gym rat
-Hallie Cantor
I'm concerned about the environment and rising energy costs, so I'm making a serious effort to feel guiltier about my air conditioners.
-Jeff Rubin
I'd masturbate five times in one day, but I don't want to be a sore loser.
-Dan Gurewitch
Click here to submit your own 105%.
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Inquiries at the Fame Office

by Scott McDowell 11 hours ago
Los Angeles 2030:

Mike: Hi, uhh...is this the fame office?

Attendant: Yes, is there something I can help you with today sir?

Mike: Well, yeah, I'd like to use my fifteen minutes of fame now.

Attendant: Alright sir, let's get your file up. What's your name?

Mike: Michael O'Brien.

Attendant: Okay Michael, let me just get this up here. Oh dear...

Mike: What is it?

Attendant: Well Michael, I'm sorry to have to be the one who has to tell you this, but the majority of your fifteen minutes have already been used up.

Mike: What?! How?

Attendant: Well sir, it looks like you parents posted a video on YouTube of you laughing as a baby, and well, it was quite popular...

Mike: What? There's no way that could use up the majority of my fame!

Attendant: Sir, it received over fifty million views...

Mike: You've got to be kidding me! Well how much fame do I have left?

Attendant: Approximately 40 seconds...

Mike: This is just unbelievable! I didn't even get to enjoy it!

Attendant: I'm sorry sir, there's nothing I can do about it. However, you do have some time left, at least.

Mike: True.  Maybe I can date a famous girl or something.  Maybe, like, get a cup of cofffee spilled on me by some actor or something?  Maybe I'll...

Attendant: Ooh, sorry, I have to stop you.  Time's up.  You've spent the remainder of your time being a character in an online article.

Mike: What?  That's not being famous!

Attendant: It's relative.
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The Sixth Year Senior: Film vs. Reality

by aaron hertzog 13 hours ago
In Movies
It was either this, or Jeremy Piven from PCU.

Dude, you see that guy? Yeah, the one with the whole DZ house surrounding him. He is the man! He throws the sickest parties, everybody comes to them. I think he seriously knows every person here, I don't know how he does it. Every single hot chick on campus comes I'm not even lying. No, he's not a douchebag at all, he's cool with anybody. I saw him take this total acapella group dork and hook him up with a smoking hot babe. Yeah, he's been here a while but he's just making the most of his time in school. You know what he told me once? He looked me in the eye and said "Graduating from college is like retiring from fun." He's like f-ing Confucius. The professors all love him, they all practically beg him to take their classes. He's got this sweet job waiting for him when he decides to get out of here. Yeah he just said he "doesn't need the pressure of making like 750 thousand a year right now." How cool is that.
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CollegeHumor Movie Review

Hancock

by Scott Bennett 14 hours ago

Just 'cause he's a bum doesn't mean the man can't have style
Everyone knows that 4th of July weekend belongs to Will Smith. All you have to do is look back at Independence Day, MIB, Wild Wild West, MIB II, and I, Robot just to name a few to realize that Hollywood seriously knows how to bank on an actor as big as Will. Now I've been obsessed with and praising the talents of Will Smith ever since the days of Fresh Prince...and that's exactly why this is going to be so hard. I can already sense the tension in the air from that last sentence. Stay with me guys, breathe deeply, and believe me when I say this:

Hancock is a gigantic disappointment.

Seriously. I'm not talking about being sad because you strolled over to the vending machine and they're out of peanut butter Twix disappointment, I'm talking going to your best friends bachelor party to find out when you get there that the stripper who popped out of the giant cake turned out to be your sister level of disappointment. Now before you turn green and rip your shirts off, let me explain. Almost every question sent to me looked like this -

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Cyanide and Happiness

by Cyanide & Happiness 16 hours ago

More Cyanide and Happiness at Explosm.net
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An Illustrious Career Comes to an End

by Streeter Seidell yesterday
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Cute College Girl

Cute College Girls

Christina

cute college girl
YearSophomore
SchoolVCU
Seems pretty technical to me. What is the most interesting thing about you?
Wow, hmm. I'd like to think that there are a lot of things.
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CollegeHumor Movie Review

The Wackness

by Scott Bennett yesterday

Fresh and Delicious Ices comes in 1 award winning flavor: weed
Nowadays, Hollywood fires more gigantic mega million dollar movies at our faces than a crazed cheerleader with a high-powered T-shirt gun.  Every now and then a change of pace can be a little refreshing.  Enter, The Wackness.

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Gotham City Deja Vu

by Chase Mitchell yesterday

You probably can't tell from the silhouette, but these two are really enjoying themselves.

Officer Pat O'Hara, back with the GCPD after a 10-year absence, stares out the window of his cruiser as it makes its way downtown.

Officer O'Hara: Hey Michaels, what's the deal here?

Officer Michaels: Not sure what you mean.

O'Hara: You ever notice there's a lot less neon in Gotham than there used to be?

Michaels: Neon?

O'Hara: Yeah, remember that?

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Roommate Confessions

Issue 33

by Jeff Rosenberg yesterday

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

That was pretty clever hiding your porn within the thousands of files in your iTunes. Almost as clever as me changing your iChat away message to "Current iTunes Song". We're all still curious how cute the "18yo russian lolita gangbanged" was.

Joshua Deckard, James Madison University

You left your sh*t all over the room, never washed your clothes or sheets, and made our room reek of pot all year long. I never stopped you from hooking up with the fat ugly chicks you found in the bathrooms at the end of parties every weekend. I win.
PH, School Not Given

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