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105%

Issue #67

by 105%-o-matic 35 minutes ago

The truth is out there. At least that's what we were told.

There Will Be Blood is easily the best name ever for a period piece.
-Adam Newman
I feel bad for my friend, he's obviously getting married for all the wrong reasons. Like, he must think his fiance is good looking.
-Amir Blumenfeld
If professional golfers choose to take the day off or retire, would they start to do actual work?
-Owen Grove
An Unpopular Comedian
"I just flew in from the battered women's shelter and boy are my arms tired!"
-Ving Pranson
On Friday, Christian Bale pretended to be Batman, on Sunday he fought with his mom. He basically spent the weekend acting like me at 13.
-Patrick Cassels
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CH Live in NYC

from Streeter Seidell 2 hours ago
CH Live in NYC

Just a reminder that tonight at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in NYC CollegeHumor will be hosting its first stand up show. Things will get going at 9:30 and, once going, will feature Christian Finnegan, Jacqueline Novak, Pete Holmes and Jake & Amir. Jeff and I will host what promises to be, in the words of one fan, "An hour-long comedy show featuring comedians telling jokes on stage."


Reservations are sold out but there will be a standby line and tickets are just $5 if you're not in the first 100 through the door. Just be sure to get there early and wait it out on New York's beautiful public sidewalks (or, as the locals call them, "toilets").



Hope to see you there!

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Gotham City's Job Postings Over the Years

by Scott Bennett 4 hours ago

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Epic Burn

by Dan Gurewitch 5 hours ago
Every day, the anonymity granted by the Internet flips the a-hole switch for thousands of otherwise decent humans. My coworkers and I have developed thick skins, but we never stop wondering what motivates certain commenters to unleash such brutal tirades, determined to sprinkle everyone else's perfectly good Internet salad with sh*t pepper. We just can't get inside their heads... until now.

Two days ago, a CH reader named Claudio insulted my dear friend Amir's performance in our Font Conference video, noting that "suicide is an option." Amir usually welcomes such constructive criticism, but this time, he made an interesting discovery about his history with Claudio. The full exchange follows.



We know that not everybody will enjoy everything we do, and we love hearing your feedback (good and bad). That said, let this kind of shameless hypocrisy be a lesson to all would-be purposeless haters: Negativity for negativity's sake is gayyyyyyyyyyy. (Keep reading for responses to the burn.)

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Summer Code of Conduct

by Tommy Wilder 7 hours ago

Dear Mr. Thomas "Tommy" Wilder,

I have received reports indicating that you have violated at least seven summer housing policies. Your alleged behavior infringes upon the Summer Housing Code of Conduct (2008 ed.), which prohibits:

   "4. Sloth, including (but not limited to) the failure to maintain adequate hygiene, wash one's own garments, and/or wake up before 1:00 pm. Neglecting to do dishes, mow the lawn, take out the garbage, and/or other tasks that help us to function as a happy family with a cleaner, lovelier home than the McFaddens."

   "7. Quarreling, which includes all instances of purposely directing verbal, physical, or emotional detriment towards your brother and sister. The stealing of remotes, the community computer, and/or the last bowl of Reeses Puffs is strictly prohibited."

   "253. The ingestion of any foreign substance (tobacco, alcohol, and so forth) is forbidden both inside and outside of the home. Furthermore, it's bad for your health. Just look at Uncle Steve. You don't want to turn out like him, do you?"

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Rick the Stick: Amateur Porn Star/Driving Instructor

by Jason Michaels yesterday

Rick's First Prom
Rick The Stick:  What's your name pretty girl?
Lisa:  Lisa.
Rick The Stick:  Alright Lisa.  Well, we will be driving that white Yukon over there.
Lisa:  Wow, that's big...
Rick The Stick:  Tell me something I don't know...
*The two enter the car*
Rick The Stick:  I forgot how tight this feels.
Lisa:  Umm, maybe you can adjust your seat?
Rick The Stick: It's super warm, too.
Lisa: Should I put on the a/c?
Rick The Stick:  Don't be silly angel.  It feels good.
Lisa:  ...Oh, Ok.
*Lisa turns on car*
Lisa:  Alright, well I checked all my mirrors, my seat belt is fastened, I'm ready to go.
Rick The Stick:  Ready to go?  Already?  Amateur.  I could go all day... And I do.
Lisa:  Huh?  Ok, well I'm going to pull out of the parking lot then.
*The car pulls out onto an empty street*

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Cute College Girl

Cute College Girls

Amanda

cute college girl
YearJunior
SchoolHofstra
If you could choose one Dinosaur to not be extinct which one would you choose?
Definitely the Tyrannasaurus Rex strictly because he seems like a bad ass.
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Lamest College Mascot

by Jeff Rosenberg yesterday
Are you ready for the most epic battle of our generation? The most talked about event in sports history in at least a decade? The most fantastic, intimate, erotic and thrilling event to ever grace your filthy computer monitor? Well here it is ladies and gents, the duel of fates over whose college possesses the lamest mascot in America.
We pit George Mason's freakish green Gunston against the devilish St. Louis Billiken. Who comes out on top when U-Tulsa's deformed mutant Captain Cane goes head to head against whatever the hell Brutus the Buckeye is? And that's just the beginning folks. It's up to you to decide in the greatest battle of our generation and you can do it here, now, so go and experience the true pandemonium of trying to figure out what drug the people at Arkansas were on when they came up with BollWeevil.

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Straight Cash Homey

CH Sports Weekly: Now With 0% More Tour-de-France Action!

by Amir and Ethan yesterday

Ethan: How about that British Open? Man, pretty golfy, right?

Congratulations to 2008 British Open champion, Some Dude Who Is Not Tiger Woods.
Amir: There's a British Open now, too? Man, the PGA is going to be screwed when Tiger finally retires in 2035.

Ethan: Probably a bad sign for golf that the most compelling non-Tiger figure out there was what was left of Greg Norman. Still, give Harrington credit for winning his second straight Claret Jug.

Amir: I have no idea what any of that means.

Ethan I think it means that people would rather see Tiger Woods play Golden Tee then watch anybody else play real golf. What do you think would get better ratings?

Amir: I'd rather watch Tiger play one of those bar games where you try to shoot the deer with the plastic gun. He would stalk that buck with such quiet intensity.

Ethan: Does Jason Taylor put the Redskins on top of the NFC East?

Amir: No. It doesn't even put their defense on the top of the NFC East. Cowboys secondary is great, Eagles added Asante Samuel and the Redskins trade some picks to get Jason Taylor who publicly stated that this is his last year in the NFL. This is what they get for having one of Clinton Portis' characters in charge of player personnel.

Ethan: Are you kidding me? Kid Bro Sweets is like Drew Rosenhaus himself, except he likes Reese's Pieces more. The Redskins' D wasn't all that bad last year, but their offense was pretty stagnant. Maybe Jim Zorn can fix it, but I'm also sure he's already in last place on my list of NFL coaches. (I go alphabetically, not based on ability.)

Amir: Is it that time of year for us to rank every offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator in the NFL?!

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Man, that Elliot kid can't take a joke

yesterday
Man, that Elliot kid can't take a joke

Matt and Jack,

I am so sorry. My roommate just explained to me what shaming is. The other day when I woke up and I was on fire, and you guys were both there laughing, well... I'm totally over it now. It's totally cool. I get that it's just something friends do to friends because they like each other so much. I think it's hilarious, now. When the scabs on my nuts come off I'll have a scar that looks like Abe Lincoln, which is great. So, yeah. I'm really sorry I panicked and had you both sent to prison. Misunderstanding.

Again, so, so sorry.

-Elliot

Link
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25786594/
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