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105%

Issue #80

from 105%-O-Matic 6 hours ago

This week's episode: "The Prague Heist!"

I really hate swimming. Except when I'm drowning. Then I suddenly think its awesome.
-Andrew Gundrum
Priceline Hostage Negotiator
Gunman: If you don't get me a plane, I'm gonna start offin' hostages!
PHN: Don't worry, I got you your plane! Here's the ticket.
Gunman: You're charging me $99 for a coach seat on a commercial flight with a layover in Atlanta? You're awful at this.
-Andrew B.
From time to time I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.
-Jay Walker
Academic research tip
I developed this new research technique for when I have a paper to write on a historical figure: I Google the person's name, except I drop the last name and anagram the first. So for George Washington, I'd Google "eorgge". The only problem is it does not work at all.
-William Way
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The Real "Rock Band" Tour Bus

from Jason Michaels 7 hours ago
Drummer: Driver, step on it!

Guitarist: Those fans are crazy. Someone threw a brick at me...like a real live brick...

Drummer: Enough bitching! What the hell happened to you back there Chad?

Guitarist: Umm, I started playing poorly?

Drummer: So you decided to just stop playing all together?

Guitarist: Well I missed like 12 notes in a row man. It was really embarrassing.

Drummer: Well, guess what? It was really REALLY embarrassing when I went into overdrive, covered for your lazy ass, and then you go mess up the song again...

Guitarist: I went backstage to heat up a hotdog. I told you that! Anyways, you didn't even give me that break to eat between gigs...

Drummer: You are so selfish bro. We were freaking 85% done and I already did that hard solo...

Guitarist: I'm sorry man, I just think we need a break...like maybe a month or two off? I don't think I can handle this many shows a day.

Drummer: What was that?

Guitarist: We've done over eighty gigs! In twelve hours! In nine countries! It is exhausting!

Drummer: Oh, so that makes it alright just to abandon a gig in front of 40,000 screaming fans?

Guitarist: You're right, it's not alright, but it doesn't change the fact that I am sick and tired of playing covers of Lit's My Own Worst Enemy. That song wasn't even that good.
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Cute College Girl

Cute College Girls

Tina

cute college girl
YearJunior
SchoolUniversity of the Pacific
What’s one thing all guys do that they shouldn’t?
Be stalkers. Ok, not ALL guys do this but I’ve had my fair share of guys who don’t know how to leave me alone when I obviously show no interest in them whatsoever.
Favorite position. For sitting:
Haha “for sitting,” right. Whatever I'm in the mood for works for me. I mean there are so many options :)
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Parents Just Don't Understand

10/7

from Susanna Wolff 10 hours ago

Do your parents not understand technology? Dothey ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages?Do they use words like "MyFace," "SpaceBook," or "The World Wide Web?"
If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here!
And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are!

Your parents' iPhone.

I bought a couple tickets on Ebay for a pre-season NFL game. They were E-tickets, so when I paid for them the "new at this" guy emailed me tickets to the wrong game. He then promptly noticed his mistake and e-mailed me frantically, asking me to please send that file back to him so he could send it to the correct person. I did.
Amber Higginbotham

My mother bought a Mp3 player and she asked me to put songs on it. I asked her what type of songs she wanted. She said the internet would know.
Aldo Mora

Last year, my dad accidentally grabbed my phone instead of his before he left for work. After school, I got the phone back from him and I realized that even though he has become familiar with cell phones, he has never encountered T-9, considering my phone had the following four text message drafts: "Thigh", "Thighigh", "Thighighighig", "Thighighighighigh" At dinner, he apologetically confessed to me that my phone is broken and he thinks he did it.
Austin Erickson

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Web Celeb

Montgomery Flea Market

In these tough economic times it's important to try to cut costs where you can. That's why all Montgomery residents are here reminded to shop with thrift at the Montgomery Flea Market which, I am assured, is just like a mini-mall.

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Cyanide and Happiness

from Cyanide & Happiness 13 hours ago

More Cyanide and Happiness at Explosm.net
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Today's BIG Thing

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals

This Saturday on SNL, Andy Samberg premiered what might be the first, best and only Mark Wahlberg impression ever done. This is SNL's first great sketch of they year, so I'm sure we'll see many, many sequels. I'm not complaining.

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CollegeHumor Classic

Excerpts From a Romance Novel I Wrote as a Child

from Brian Murphy yesterday

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Cute College Girl

Cute College Girls

Chelsea

cute college girl
YearSophomore
SchoolUNC-Wilmington
If you were stuck on a deserted island what 3 things would you bring?
My dog, a friend, and a lot of magazines. Or just a boat...problem solved.
Definitely or definately?
Seriously? DEFINITELY. Come on, it's in the dictionary.
Was there ever a nerdy/geeky/smart kid in high school you thought was kind of cute but never told him?
Well... A) If I think a guy is cute, I tell them. B) I really don't find anything remotely attractive about nerds. (sorry!)
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Roommate Confessions

Issue 46

from Jeff Rosenberg yesterday

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.

One of my roommates was a dumb redneck who never paid his rent, ate all my food, and brought back ugly and/or fat hoes that chilled at our place all the time. One day, I got a hold of some "magic mushrooms". I made some pasta and offered him some. Of course, that cheap loser won't ever turn it down. In his pasta, I added the 'shrooms. Right after we ate, I gave him beer. While he wasn't looking, I added some laxative to his beer. He drank the whole beer. About an hour later, this guy was freaking out. He would go into the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror and yell at himself. The funniest part came when he was tripping and he had the sh*ts. He was literally crying while he was talking a dump.
J Gritz, Western Illinois

You know how you asked me to feed your fish while you went away for the weekend? Well I completely forgot, and instead spent the weekend celebrating the fact that the RA (you) was away by smoking and throwing a ridiculous party in our apartment. I really didn't think you were going to cry about a fish, or spend three hours on the phone with Petco because you thought he was sick.
Deliliah Cosgrove, School Not Given

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