Things look a little different when you're drunk...

So the Vice Presidential debates were last night. Hopefully this is not news to any of you. What did you think? I personally would like to elect Joe Biden's teeth President. Those things put on a better performance than both candidates combined.

But enough about those fake, worthless public figures, let's talk about celebrities!

Let's start this off right with a little Winehouse, shall we? This week, Amy punched a fan in the face because she was 'startled' by all the 'flashbulbs.' Which sounds like a sign they would have outside the monkey cage at the zoo. It's official: Amy is so messed up she is actually devolving. (DListed)

Heather Locklear was arrested this week of a suspected DUI (which turned out to be false). Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the 'witness' who had called police was actually a bitter former Us Weekly employee, who then tipped off paparazzi of the imminent arrest. Holy crap, right? I'm as shocked as you that anyone would actually care that much about Heather Locklear. (IDLYITW, CelebSlam)

But never fear, Heather, everybody knows celebrities are above the law anyway. This week we learned that neither Kayne West (charged with vandalism) nor Shia LaBeouf (charged with a DUI) will face any consequences for their actions. Damn you, OJ 2.0. This is all your fault. (DListed, WWTDD)

The Textbook: Kind eyes, a precise five-centimeter half-ro extended off her shriveled skull, godlike pie-making skills, and a card-carrying Wheel Watchers member, the Textbook is the grandma we've all heard of yet never actually encountered. I'll admit, some grandmas come close, but they usually have a catch, like a gambling addiction or a club foot. Still, take what you can get, as any grandmother with a proclivity for baking who isn't girdle-deep in tears for her deceased husband is something to be cherished.

The No-Vacancy: Keep a "Caution: wet floor" sign around this grandma, because she drools more than Sarah Palin during an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle. If a No-Vacancy can walk, which they usually can't, it's only to the nearest window to talk to clouds. A No-Vacancy is completely checked out, will mutter in a way that makes Dikembe Mutombo seem articulate, and has all the composure of Michael Jackson in a moon bounce. If your grandma is a No-Vacancy, it's alright to be disappointed. Just remember: she never counts what's in her purse.

Primeval Barbie: Usually found thumbing through sports bras in Macy's, the Primeval Barbie is the grandma who clings to youth like a dingleberry that just won't come loose. Primeval Barbie has her cosmetic surgeon on speed dial, and thinks of herself as an intergenerational liaison, an idea that is flagrantly malformed and senseless. If you can't poop without supplements, you shouldn't be allowed to have a normal conversation with your granddaughter. End of discussion.