Newest (Page 33)

Depressed Ogre Nightmare Girl Is the New Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Scene 2 – Supermarket

  1. Neil turns a corner and COLLIDES with GRUNILDA. She's overweight, with frizzy brown hair, tiny beady eyes, and terrible posture. She wears sweatpants and a large t-shirt. She speaks in a nasal, monotonous tone.

  2. Grunilda

    Sorry. I'm Grunilda.

  3. Neil

    Wow.

  4. Grunilda

    What?

  5. Neil

    That name, it's very… ugly.

  6. Grunilda

    Thanks. My parents were garbagemen.

  7. Neil

    Do you… maybe want to get coffee or something?

  8. Grunilda

    Nah. Coffee's boring.

  9. Neil laughs, charmed.

  10. Neil

    I never thought about it like that, but you're right.

  11. Grunilda

    Let's sit around on my couch and both look at our phones instead.

  12. Neil

    It's a date.

Continue Reading

10 Characters in Kids' Movies Who Must Have Been Scarred for Life

1. The Santa Clause

On Christmas Eve, Charlie Calvin's dad startles Santa Claus, which makes him fall off a roof and die. That is the premise of this family-friendly Christmas movie. This is horrifying. The kid sees Santa DIE, then his own dad becomes Santa, which leads his mother and step-father to revoke his custody because he's crazy and they think he's made Charlie crazy. That's bad enough, but the movie ignores another traumatizing thought, that Charlie probably thought of somewhere between the horrors of The Santa Clause 2 and The Santa Clause 3: the Santa he watched die was probably somebody else's Santa Dad. Try stay well-adjusted with all that in your head.

Continue Reading

Why I Assume People Fear the "Slippery Slope" of Gay Marriage

  1. Registrar

    As I'm sure you know, after gay marriage was fully legalized in 2013, there was soon no stopping men and women from marrying both animals and inanimate objects —

  2. Man

    Yes, of course. Who could forget the landmark 2016 Supreme Court Case, Holmes and Whiskers v. Church of Christ?

  3. Registrar

    Or the subsequent 2017 case, Resnick and Table v. Fairfield Church?

  4. Man

    I still remember President Obama's controversial support of Resnick marrying that table.

  5. Registrar

    Yes, Michelle gave a terrific speech. Thank Maddow that Vice President Joe Biden's talk show appearance — when he came out in support of people marrying inanimate objects — pushed her to finally evolve on the issue.

Continue Reading