Who Brought It: Slightly Infirm Great Aunt
Why They Brought It: She can't really be trusted with an oven anymore, bless her heart.
What Else They Brought: A general reminder that death comes for us all.
Secret Ingredient: Oh god is that cat hair?
This year for Thanksgiving be thankful we put this together so you're not bored sitting at the kid's table. YOU'RE WELCOME.View the Gallery ▶
"My Nana's sweet potato casserole is the bomb!"
You're looking at a physical phenomenon. How could a human have gained this much weight in one week? Upon further investigation you realize that this friend's mom prides herself on her "home cooking," turning every meal into a practice round for the big show that is Thanksgiving. All of her recipes come from a Paula Deen cookbook and have enough calories to feed a third world village for a fortnight. All of which was funneled into your friends mouth for a solid week. But like a balloon, this friend will eventually deflate thanks to genetics designed to deal with this exact situation.
"Ugh, I stayed out till 3:34 a.m. and my mom was all like worried. God she's so annoying!"
Who cares if they gave me life and support me entirely, my parents won't let me go to that all night "Thanksgiving Eve Rave" at an abandoned warehouse in a neighboring city so they are the worst."
Upon return from their holiday you might hear this person talking about how much they missed the unlimited freedom of college or complaining about not having a place to hook up with a hottie that they could've "totally banged." You'll roll your eyes when they aren't looking but smile and nod to their face because they know the bouncer at every bar and you hate lines.
Consumers are easily misled by packaging and often purchase turkeys labeled "organic" that were in fact fed growth hormones. Here are some easy ways to tell if your turkey was fed growth hormones.
1. The turkey's batting average is above .400
While turkeys are natural sluggers, they rarely break .350. The perfect Thanksgiving turkey will bat around .270 with an OBP of .3100. Refer to your turkey card for precise statistics.
2. Your turkey's ergometer score is above 1,500/km per minute
Wow, your turkey sure can row -- but does crew experience really matter once he's roasting in the oven? Free-range turkeys never row above 200/km per minute, and actually prefer canoeing.