Home Page Archive
The Seven Types of Grandma
from Steve Ethridge October 03, 2008The No-Vacancy: Keep a "Caution: wet floor" sign around this grandma, because she drools more than Sarah Palin during an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle. If a No-Vacancy can walk, which they usually can't, it's only to the nearest window to talk to clouds. A No-Vacancy is completely checked out, will mutter in a way that makes Dikembe Mutombo seem articulate, and has all the composure of Michael Jackson in a moon bounce. If your grandma is a No-Vacancy, it's alright to be disappointed. Just remember: she never counts what's in her purse.
Primeval Barbie: Usually found thumbing through sports bras in Macy's, the Primeval Barbie is the grandma who clings to youth like a dingleberry that just won't come loose. Primeval Barbie has her cosmetic surgeon on speed dial, and thinks of herself as an intergenerational liaison, an idea that is flagrantly malformed and senseless. If you can't poop without supplements, you shouldn't be allowed to have a normal conversation with your granddaughter. End of discussion.
Awesome Animated Radiohead Video
The animation in this fan-made Radiohead video is so cool that you can enjoy it even if you hate the band. It's weird and trippy. Just zone out and enjoy. It may even blow your mind if you're inebriated.
The song is called "Reckoner" off the album In Rainbows.
CollegeHumor Live: NYC - Craig Baldo
from CH Staff October 02, 2008
University of Delaware alum Craig Baldo has made a name for himself as a favorite in the NYC comedy scene. The Madison, New Jersey native got started in stand-up just under a decade ago, after getting kicked out of the William Esper Acting Studio. Since the rejection, Craig has scored performances on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and NBC's "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," as well as been featured at the Just for Laughs festival in Montreal. Now he tours nationwide with an energetic and snarky delivery, discussing his unique dating tactics, issues with the Princeton Review and everything in between.
If you'd like to book Craig at your club or college, please contact Kate Magill with Sophie K Entertainment at (212) 268-9764 or kate@sophiek.com. For more information, visit www.craigbaldo.com or myspace.com/craigbaldo.
Come to the next CollegeHumor Live: NYC show. October 23rd, 9:30 at the UCB theatre. Only $5! For reservations, click here.
Pre-Debate Vice Presidential Desks
from Owen Parsons October 02, 2008
| Year | Sophomore |
| School | Charleston |
- Funniest sex term:
- Beat the Meat! My Nanny Peay is a great cook and every time she makes me cook and meat is involved, when she says "Now Hannah-Lee the next step is to beat the meat until....." I always crack up and she doesn't know why!
- What's the fattest fat person food you like?
- McDonald's french fries, it's just something about all that salt and grease that wins me over!
It's Jake's favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, submit it at the bottom of this or any WYR article.
Would You Rather...
- Say a popsicle stick joke every time you meet someone or a Snapple fact From Danny
- Get a hand job from the pokemon geodude, or get a blow job from charmander From ricky
- Work at the Max and be able to always have a threesome with Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa without being caught, or win over the hearts of every girl at Bayside High, but those three From Paul
- Have to chug every liquid you drink, or have to drink it through a twisty sprialy straw From Aaron
- Have too much salt on everything you ate or never have salt on anything you eat From Trevor
- Have a Mcdonalds in your house. or Live in the playboy mansion From Justin
- Eat three dozen normal sized cockroaches, or eat one giant cockroach the size of a housecat From Joe
- Have something stuck in your eye all day, every other day, or a dental floss lodged in the back of your throat forever From mike
- Put poop chapstick on your lips and rub them together, or use a poop cell phone until your next upgrade From sean
Finally, this week's winner of the I'd totally pay $10,000 for either of those Award is Optimus, who sent in this.
- Piss silly string or ejaculate those snakes that pop out of joke peanut cans? From Optimus
You'd have the coolest dick ever, and probably get arrested.
If you have a good WYR, submit it here.
Check back every Friday to see if yours made the cut.
The Sexile Contract
The Civil War pretty much started because two people couldn't agree on something. Don't let that happen to you and your roommate. Get the Sexile Contract today and agree to its terms at once. Only by doing this will you be able to avoid a costly and protracted war of passive-aggressiveness with your roommate.
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Magic Growing Rock
It's not really magic, it's mercury thiocyanide. You've probably seen those little growing snake fireworks before. This is like that, but on a much larger scale. It looks like a demon growing out of the ground. Science is awesome.
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Inside the Cartridge: Duck Hunt
from Simon Rich October 01, 2008SCENE: GRASS PATCH RD.
-Thank God. The barrage is finally over.
-How many have perished?
- . . .
-Please, father. I'm old enough to know the truth.
-Thirty-six, son. Thirty-six of our fellow ducks . . . with thirty-six bullets.
-I don't understand. How could the killer have such perfect accuracy?
-Simple. He holds the gun so close to our bodies that it's physically impossible for him to miss us.
-But where's the sport in that?
-It isn't the challenge of the hunt that drives him, son. It's his sick thirst for blood.
-Jesus.
-There's more. It is said that the killer . . . is a child.
-Impossible.
-I'm just repeating what the elders have said.
-How could a child possibly have so much rage?
-I don't know. He clearly has emotional problems.
-How could his parents allow him to attack us like this, for so many hours a day and so many days in a row?
-They are blind.
-Good Lord . . . I think I hear something!
-It's starting up again.
-I hope he chooses to shoot clay discs this time.
-Hope is a dangerous thing, son.
Excerpted from Free-Range Chickens by Simon Rich Copyright © 2008 by Simon Rich. Excerpted by permission of Random House, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
