I woke up and this was outside my door.

You can keep the 30 cents.

From otiose321

Sings about "Someone Like You," won't say who "You" is.

From therealscumbagsteve

If art degree remains valuable for more than four hours, call a doctor immediately.

From caedis

He had to change his Twitter handle to @reputationdestr0yed.

From King of Pith

As long as she doesn't try to dance, it's wildly attractive.

From oldghost

He has her tweeting out of the palm of his hand.

From Food Network Humor