Old Steve Jobs Reads Biography Of Himself

Back when I was underage, I was at an apartment party down the hall from where I lived. After two or three noise complaints, the cops showed up. Upon seeing them, despite my significant intoxication, I cunningly went into the kitchen and stuffed my 5'4 body into a little cabinet. I then proceeded to pass out. I awoke to a throbbing pain in my back and legs from being... Read More » squished for so long, and, despite hearing the cops presence still lingering in the apartment, I crawled out of my hiding spot. An officer saw me and asked for my ID. Luckily for me, I left my ID in my next-door apartment and had given my keys to a friend who passed out a few hours before, accidently locking the door on his way in. After knocking on my door-with no response from my passed out friend- the officer told me to walk down the hall and wait with another cop who was issuing citations. As I walked down the hall towards him, I saw the cop telling three hysterically upset girls they could go home, but he'd see them in court the next week. As I approached, I told him that one of the hysterical girls was my girlfriend (lie) and that I really wanted to walk her home (lie- she was fugly), and that I gave the officer standing outside my door my identification and information (lie). The three second pause he took to contemplate the authenticity of my story made my heart stop; I was only 18 years old and didn't want more charges caused by lying to an officer piled on top of my underage drinking charge. He flagged the officer who took me to my apartment over, but he was preoccupied and didn't notice. I offered to walk down the hall and bring over the officer to validate that he had my information. This offer seemed to convince him I was being honest. Luck was with me this night and I was one of two that escaped that underage party. In the end 23 underage students were arrested and 5 of age students who supplied the party were arrested. The officers never realized I slipped away.

February 24, 2012