This is a good crowd, you guys are great. G-R-A-T-E.

Audience Member: That's not how you spell great.

Anyways, yesterday I went to the Home Depot, or as I like to call it, the Home Depositum, that's latin. I like to speak latin sometimes, it's something that I do. Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. Delenda est Carthago mutha fucka! D-E-C, owww!

So anyways I was at Dairy Queen, the DQ, the Monarch of dairy goods, as I've been known to call it.

Audience Member: I thought you said you were at Home Depot?

I was ordering a cone, a twist cone. When it comes to ice cream I'm very indecisive. I don't like being backed into a corner and forced to choose chocolate or vanilla. I like them both. I'm very diplomatic. My friends call me Zalmay Khalilzad When I come over they say "Hey get Z.K. a beer!"

Audience Member: Who the fuck is Zalmay Khalilzad?

And I really like doing pranks, so I have this prank I do at Dairy Queen when I order my ice cream. I keep a real straight face, I put on my Shania Twain face.

Audience Member: That doesn't even make any sense.

And whenever you go to buy ice cream, there is always that one guy in line, you know who I'm talking about.

Audience Member: Um….

There's always that one guy who orders a fuckin M&M Frosty. Every single time! You'll be standing there and the guy in front of you goes "Um, yes my son would like an M&M frosty please". And it just makes me SOOOO mad! So what I did was I took the napkins dispenser and I threw it at the kids head, PEWH! Just like that, it made that noise when it hit the 11 year olds head-ish section. PEWH!

Audience Member: Why would you throw something at an 11 year old, he just wanted some ice cream?

Audience Member #2: And also, you just made that up. There is not always a guy at Dairy Queen who orders an M&M Frosty.

Well ladies and gentlemen, looks like we've got a heckler.

Audience Member: I'm not heckling you, I'm just pointing out that these aren't even jokes, you're just telling made up stories that aren't funny.

Ummm…. Delenda est Carthago mutha fucka! It's Z.K. in the house! Owwww!

Audience Member: Let's leave, I can't' believe I paid $150 for this.