This is a good crowd, you guys are great. G-R-A-T-E.
Audience Member: That's not how you spell great.
Anyways, yesterday I went to the Home Depot, or as I like to call it, the Home Depositum, that's latin. I like to speak latin sometimes, it's something that I do. Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. Delenda est Carthago mutha fucka! D-E-C, owww!
So anyways I was at Dairy Queen, the DQ, the Monarch of dairy goods, as I've been known to call it.
Audience Member: I thought you said you were at Home Depot?
I was ordering a cone, a twist cone. When it comes to ice cream I'm very indecisive. I don't like being backed into a corner and forced to choose chocolate or vanilla. I like them both. I'm very diplomatic. My friends call me Zalmay Khalilzad When I come over they say "Hey get Z.K. a beer!"
Audience Member: Who the fuck is Zalmay Khalilzad?
And I really like doing pranks, so I have this prank I do at Dairy Queen when I order my ice cream. I keep a real straight face, I put on my Shania Twain face.
Audience Member: That doesn't even make any sense.
And whenever you go to buy ice cream, there is always that one guy in line, you know who I'm talking about.
Audience Member: Um
There's always that one guy who orders a fuckin M&M Frosty. Every single time! You'll be standing there and the guy in front of you goes "Um, yes my son would like an M&M frosty please". And it just makes me SOOOO mad! So what I did was I took the napkins dispenser and I threw it at the kids head, PEWH! Just like that, it made that noise when it hit the 11 year olds head-ish section. PEWH!
Audience Member: Why would you throw something at an 11 year old, he just wanted some ice cream?
Audience Member #2: And also, you just made that up. There is not always a guy at Dairy Queen who orders an M&M Frosty.
Well ladies and gentlemen, looks like we've got a heckler.
Audience Member: I'm not heckling you, I'm just pointing out that these aren't even jokes, you're just telling made up stories that aren't funny.
Ummm . Delenda est Carthago mutha fucka! It's Z.K. in the house! Owwww!
Audience Member: Let's leave, I can't' believe I paid $150 for this.